Feeling like a failure.....

[IshaMT]

I'm feeling like a failure today regarding DD's sleep. I had been feeling pretty good because she has made some major improvements, but we had a terrible night and awful nap, and my husband gave me a really hard time, blaming me for her sleep patterns (and has done this several times before). He actually doesn't really sleep with us anymore because we all sleep better this way. However, his parents were visiting overnight, so we all slept together. She woke up, and wouldn't settle down for close to two hours. She was so tired and it seemed she couldn't get comfortable. She wanted my pillow, then another pillow, wanted me to stroke her hair..... we went round and round with this. She'd fall asleep, then soon wake up. I guess this really wouldn't have bothered me very much normally, it was just the middle of the night fight my husband and I got into. We still aren't really talking. I'm too tired. Today when I tried to get her nap, it just wasn't happening, and I started to become increasingly depressed, feeling like a complete failure, and that I have screwed everything up by having her sleep with me from the beginning, and basically always giving into her wants and needs at night. She is close to 2, and I am 37 weeks pregnant. She had been sleeping absolutely terrible until about two months ago when I night weaned. Then recently we started having my husband put her to sleep, and she has done really well with this. He, however, is resentful that he now has to pay the price for what I have done in regards to her sleep. (The plan is that he will be sleeping with her when new baby comes). I periodically go into a panic over this. The other night I tried sleeping by myself while he slept with her. I never really fell asleep. I finally went into their bed at about 3am, and dozed here and there until I had to get up at 6.

Anyways, what I have done all along is what has felt right, and has felt necessary. From the first night in the hospital I couldn't put her down once she fell asleep, and this continued on since that point. Having her in the bed next to me was what worked, and seemed to be what she needed. I have felt pretty alone in this process until he started helping recently.

Sorry for the rambling post, I guess I am just venting. I really have no one to talk to about it right now. I know a big part of how I am feeling is related to my complete exhaustion. I haven't been sleeping too good with the pregnancy recently, and DD basically pushing me off the bed most nights with her positioning. Hopefully it all works out, it has to right?

[Mama505]

It WILL all work out!  I was in a similar boat just a few months ago.  My son was weeks away from turning 2yo and I was very newly pregnant again with horrible insomnia of my own.  So, whenever I could fall asleep I really felt I needed it.  My lack of sleep had me at a short fuse with everything and I just couldn't understand why my DS couldn't sleep still, or longer, or whatever nonsense I was frustrated with.  Finally my SO and I built DS a sidecar bed out of an old futon.  Now he has room to squiggle in his own area!  One problem solved!  I ended up putting a bolster between he and I so that he wouldn't just roll over into my breasts and start nursing (b/c he will have my shirt open and be latched on before I even notice).  The bolster only stays there for 4-6 hours but that makes for a lot of rest when you actually sleep!  Soon after we solved the space issue DS was having some seriously erratic sleep patterns and acting really needy (back to nursing through the night, needing to be touched, covers on and off and on again).  His two year molars were(are) coming in!  As soon as we realized the problem it became a lot less frustrating for all of us.  Molars are big!  The bottom two are in, but it took a LONG time for them to break through.  Luckily the sleeping got better after a couple of nights even though the teething continued until they were halfway up.

I am sorry that you don't have more support through this.  I think you are right to listen to yourself, it is what's right for your DD and you.  Have you asked your DH what he would prefer?  Maybe there is a compromise that can be reached?  Maybe a toddler bed in the bedroom and a cosleeper for your new arrival?  Maybe there is someway to both be happy.  "From the first night in the hospital I couldn't put her down once she fell asleep, and this continued on since that point." <I totally get this!  I couldn't fathom having my DS apart from me at all, let alone in another room!  And I still feel this way, even though our bed is going to be crowded once again...

Good luck to you Mama!  Hope this helps!

[katelove]

You aren't a failure. Some babies just struggle with sleep more than others. I have. Coslept with my 2yo since birth as well and I would call her an average sleeper. I know people who have never coslept whose babies don't sleep as well as mine and cosleepers who sleep better.

I'm afraid I don't have any advice but I wanted to say its not your fault.

[Mama505]

I was thinking about this a lot last night.  I agree with the last poster... some people struggle with sleep more than others!  I certainly don't attribute my present insomnia to anything my mother did or did not do for me when I was small.  That said, I personally would prefer to be sleeping with my DS so that I can comfort him through all of his early sleep struggles.  You are there for your daughter, you aren't a failure to her... and that is what matters!

[transylvania_mom]

you aren't a failure, and a baby sleeping through the night is not a mother's accomplishment!!! Some kids (and adults) just need to wake up at night. Some kids and adults need naps. What we have to do is meet our children's needs and also take care of ourselves in the process. It's not fair of dh to let you struggle with night parenting for so long and then blame you for something it's out of your control. Why didn't he take over night wakings and night feedings, would he have done it better?

You need his help and support, not criticism. Hugs.
 

[motherhendoula]

There is no guarantee that putting your baby in a crib in a different room at the end of the hall will get that baby to sleep soundly through the night!  You didnt ruin her sleep patterns by sleeping with her!  Your DH needs to relax himself right now as this cant be easy to be 37 weeks pregnant and be caring full time for a 2 yr old and have your in-laws over....DH ever think it was the general excitement of g-parents visiting that kept your DD up at night and for her nap?  Even good sleepers have a bad night (or couple of nights) from time to time. 

Maybe your in-laws will be gracious enough to take DD on a loooong walk before bedtime tonight - (and you can catch a nap!)

[Redmom]

Aw mama I just wanted to say that you are NOT a failure.

I have come to believe that some kids are very resistant to having their sleeping habits influenced in any way - ie they sleep the way they sleep and it's mostly to do with their temperament.  You can't force them to sleep no more than you can force them to eat foods that they don't like.

I say this as a mother of an 18 month old who is a very light sleeper and wakes a lot - and we have tried all sorts of things to affect his sleep with no real change - when he has made "improvements" he does so spontaneously without any input from us.

I honestly don't believe that you are responsible for the way your little one sleeps.  As the other posters point out,there is no guarantee that if little one sleep in a room by themselves they would be any "better" a sleeper - the only difference being that you or DH would have to walk down the hallway when they wake.

And I just have to say this - my DH is really supportive of nightime parenting - I'm sorry to hear that your DH is not, especially since you are pregnant and no doubt exhausted.  Partners should pull their weight when it comes to nightime parenting.

And please bear in mind - that ALL parents have a rough night/night nap every now and again - even those whose kids are "good" sleepers.

[IshaMT]

Thank you everyone for your words of encouragement. I just came on here after having a particularly difficult time getting DD to sleep tonight looking for a relatable thread and saw these responses. I don't know how things are going to go when I have this baby next Friday, but we shall see. She has been sleeping terrible these past few nights. And even though I know it's because of a very stuffy nose it has me feeling very anxious. I just have to believe it will somehow all work out! Thanks again!