Handling of new boy's mother...

[whatsnextmom]

My DD 15 has recently started dating a boy (and they are just dating as of yet... no labels.) He's a sweet kid certainly. DD seems happy. Her best friends have always been boys but no boyfriends. This is sort of new territory for us.

Anyway, my question is how to handle his mom. Every single time our kids get together, she wants to get together.... not to hang out with the kids so much as just hang out with me. I certainly like her enough but I don't know, it makes me a little uncomfortable too. I'm friends with several of my kid's friend's parents but I guess I'm a little thrown by the level of intensity in this particular situation. Plus, I don't know if I'm ready to hear all the baby stories and particulars of a boy that DD hasn't even decided how she totally feels about yet.  Plus, I have to skirt around so many topics as I don't know how much mom is feeding back to her DS. I mean, DD may not be ready for him to know about her quirks and past friendships. Maybe that's it... I feel like I'm intruding on DD. On top of that, I have a younger child and DH who I want to spend time with too.

Anyone BTDT? I don't want to alienate her but I also am not ready to be her confidante.... and I don't want to mess things up for DD as she really has been happier than I've seen her in a long while.

[philomom]

Yep, you are right. This is not a playdate and you have the right to make your own plans. Your dd could also use a measure of privacy with the new fellow. How much privacy is up to each individual family, of course. That other mom must be lonely but do give her the polite, firm idea that you have stuff to do.

[karne]

It sounds like you are needing to set some good boundaries, which is uncomfortable, but ultimately may be a good model for your dd as she embarks on this new relationship.

[mtiger]

I wonder if his Mom is concerned about how well the kids will be supervised... I know that I have een surprised with both of my kids how poorly they've been supervised when visiting a b/f or g/f.

How far away do they live? Could it be that she doesn't want to drive him to wherever they're hanging out, go home, come back, etc.? So is looking for something to do in the meantime?

[ollyoxenfree]

Tricky situation.  I haven't been there, but I agree with a pp about maintaining boundaries - politely and firmly. 

I wonder if she's trying to get a handle on your DD by getting information from you - hence her own over-sharing about her DS. Kudos to you for respecting your DD's privacy. 

Is it possible to discuss this a little with your DD? Not your feelings or discomfort with the other mom, but whether your DD is at all uncomfortable with the idea of the 2 moms hanging out together. If your DD isn't perturbed by it, it may alleviate some of your feelings of intruding in her new relationship. OTOH, if she finds it uncomfortable too, then it will give you a little extra strength to maintain boundaries when the other mom bumps up against them. 

[ollyoxenfree]

Originally Posted by mtiger 

I wonder if his Mom is concerned about how well the kids will be supervised... I know that I have een surprised with both of my kids how poorly they've been supervised when visiting a b/f or g/f.

I hope this isn't too far OT, but I'm wondering what you consider an appropriate level of supervision. I ask because yesterday afternoon I left 16 y.o. DD at home with a male classmate while I went out for an hour or so. They were working on a class assignment. It didn't occur to me that I needed to supervise them or that another parent might be upset about it.  

She hasn't had a  romantic relationship yet, but it's only a matter of time, and I'm sure that they would be left alone from time to time. Her older brother had a serious 2-year relationship in high school, and other than asking him to keep the bedroom door open, we didn't really "supervise" him and his girlfriend when they were together. To be honest, the open-door policy was DH's rule and I didn't really regulate it myself.  I have discussed and reinforced personal responsibility in romantic relationships with both of them though. 

[whatsnextmom]

Originally Posted by ollyoxenfree 

I hope this isn't too far OT, but I'm wondering what you consider an appropriate level of supervision. I ask because yesterday afternoon I left 16 y.o. DD at home with a male classmate while I went out for an hour or so. They were working on a class assignment. It didn't occur to me that I needed to supervise them or that another parent might be upset about it.  

She hasn't had a  romantic relationship yet, but it's only a matter of time, and I'm sure that they would be left alone from time to time. Her older brother had a serious 2-year relationship in high school, and other than asking him to keep the bedroom door open, we didn't really "supervise" him and his girlfriend when they were together. To be honest, the open-door policy was DH's rule and I didn't really regulate it myself.  I have discussed and reinforced personal responsibility in romantic relationships with both of them though. 

I'm not one that feels we should micro-manage our kids too much. If they can't be trusted to be alone at 16, how in the heck are we going to send them off to college at 17 and 18. Plus, 16-year-olds drive. They are alone with others all the time. A 16-year--old should be able to handle an hour alone with a classmate on a project even if they are the opposite sex. My DD 15's best friends have always been male. She's everyone's little sister. While being home alone with these guys hasn't been an issue (kids in our circle really don't do much "hanging out at friend's houses")  certainly, I could imagine going down to grab some groceries while they were working.

I admit, I'm not keen on the idea of this particular boy being home alone with my DD because there are romantic feelings involved but again, that's not the issue at the moment and I'm sure my position will develop as their relationship develops and I get an idea of how she is handling things. The underlying truth is, I trust DD because she's spent her whole life being a trustworthy kid. My parents trusted me and they were right to. 

This particular mom doesn't really seem to have an issue supervising the kids. She doesn't exactly want to hang out to watch THEM (as we are usually nowhere near them.) I think it's just a habit really. She's homeschooled him from day one and she's used to all their activities being homeschooling group activities. It's like playgroup when my kids were little. Everyone went everywhere. It's just sort of odd when it's 15-year-olds and I'm expected to hang with mom while the kids play. She's used to being directly involved in everything he does where my kids have been in public schools, in activities totally independent of me and had friends that I haven't known since diapers. She's admitted that this is a real transition time for her and I understand it... I went through it last year for sure. I just need to find a way to pull back on the "mommy dates" without hurting her feelings. Sometimes I DO have other things that must be done and she accepts that but sometimes, I sort of just want to spend that time with my family.

[mtiger]

I hope this isn't too far OT, but I'm wondering what you consider an appropriate level of supervision. I ask because yesterday afternoon I left 16 y.o. DD at home with a male classmate while I went out for an hour or so. They were working on a class assignment. It didn't occur to me that I needed to supervise them or that another parent might be upset about it.  

It would depend. Both of my kids have had close opposite-gender friends, who I have known well, and leaving them home alone together wouldn't be an issue. A new roantic interest, at a young age, who I don't know? I might run out to the grocery store, but I likely wouldn't go off window shopping at the mall for hours on end. If there was a several year age difference, as well? I'd likely want to get to know the other kid a bit better first.

Yes, I trust my kids. But I don't offer up trust to people I don't know.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by whatsnextmom 

This particular mom doesn't really seem to have an issue supervising the kids. She doesn't exactly want to hang out to watch THEM (as we are usually nowhere near them.) I think it's just a habit really. She's homeschooled him from day one and she's used to all their activities being homeschooling group activities. It's like playgroup when my kids were little. Everyone went everywhere. It's just sort of odd when it's 15-year-olds and I'm expected to hang with mom while the kids play.

I think she sounds like a complete loon. Treating a child's date like a play date is just weird. She has boundary issues. I suspect your best bet is to politely say "no." 

I suspect she'll be a real piece of work as a mother in law, and I would be hoping the relationship ran it's course quickly. Modeling to your DD how to politely set boundaries will be helpful to your DD in the long run, however this relationship plays out.

I think its more healthy when parents stay LESS involved in their DC's love life because relationships come and go at this age, and our attachment to someone or to their family can just complicate things for our kids.  What if you and this woman really hit it and and become best buds, and a couple of months from now, one of your kids dumps the other kid? How awkward would that be?

On the "lack of appropriate supervision" issue -- if one parent feels that another parent isn't providing appropriate supervision, then they can tell their own child "no, you can't go to X's house and hang out because I feel their isn't appropriate supervision."  It isn't OK to tag along to supervise yourself.