I don't know whether this is helpful or not....
This is not an issue we have, not because I'm a better parent (we all have our own struggles), but because I never put up with it. Not at any point in time.
My boys are 9 and 6. We have a convo in my house a couple times a year, along the lines of - when I ask you to do something, you need to do it right then, if there is an emergency, I need to know that you are going to do what I tell you so we can be safe. We use those words a lot - so we are safe, so you are safe. In this world, with so many crazies running around, it's important for me to teach my kids to be safe, and that starts with listening to us and doing what we ask them to do. We don't open the screen door to strangers, because it isn't safe. We don't cross the street when cars are close, because it's not safe. We don't run in parking lots, because it is not safe. It has nothing to do with restricting their fun time, they get a lot of that. It is 100% about keeping them safe. And they get that.
The safety thing covers everything. Putting on shoes, getting ready for bed, getting things done during the day, getting in the truck, whenever I say stop, etc. There are no arguments, things just get done. I listen to what my husband says about weapons and how to take care of the truck, so we can be safe. The boys listen to me and their dad, so they can be safe. Yes, sometimes it takes one or two reminders - where are you supposed to be, what are you supposed to be doing. And my 6yo just started asking why with everything. When I asked him why he asks why, his response was "because I like to know". I can roll with this, and put a short explanation with my request.
I am quick with consequences that fit the crime.
* No shoes - then we either go and they have to be in the cart, or we don't go, or we go and they can't play, or they stay home with Dad and I go by myself.
* Not picking up toys - toys get restricted, no tv time, no game system time, etc.
* Not listening - usually is because the tv is on or they are involved in the game system, it gets removed until an appropriate time.
I am very to-the-point. "You are not listening, that is not ok. Get up, go do xyz, we need to abc." I do not make threats I'm not willing to follow through with. And my kids have learned that I mean exactly what I say.
And they understand that their behavior is their issue, and results in consequences that fit their choices. If they don't do what they are asked to do, then there is a consequence for that. They chose this consequence because they chose to not listen. Had they chose to listen, then they wouldn't be dealing with the negative consequence.
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Quote:
Neera - So, even though she is begging for her toy that is going, we follow through and don't give it back. So, I now think I am teaching her to be stubborn.
Remind her it is her choice. She chose to not listen, and she understood it meant her toy was going to go to the SA, so she chose not to keep that toy. Maybe next time she will make a better choice and will be able to keep her toy.
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My kids are by no means angels. But they are decent kids and people tend to comment about them. So either I'm doing something right in this part of parenting, or the beatings every night keep them in line. :)
Just my thoughts - hope it's helpful. :)
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