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SOMEONE HELP!!!!!

post #1 of 17
Thread Starter 

Ok where do I begin... My son since birth has always been a handful.  He has been terrible going through every stage since he was born from drinking baby formula to getting teeth and the list goes on and on and on!  Any ways here I am 3 1/2 years later and i'm still dealing with issues.  Fortunately up till this point everything has worked itself out.  But not this one.  About 6 weeks ago I was told it was a must to take my sons pacifier away from him so I did it.  I started cutting the tips of them off and finally talked him into getting rid of it if I bought him a 450$ jeep! So the day came where he said he was willing to give up the pacifier so we through it in the trash and I ran out and bought him his jeep.  Needless to say things have gone down hill ever since.  For the first 3 weeks or so he cried himself to sleep which took on average 2 hours every night and I kept on going back in every 30 minutes or so to cover him back up.  Then things took a toll for the worst.  His cry time at night went from 2 hours down to about 30 minutes a night only to wake back up at 2am screaming and crying.  I tried letting him cry it out at 2 am for almost a week straight before I broke.  He was staying up screaming till almost 4am every night and I physically was unable to function at work anymore so I had no choice but to let him in my bed when he woke up at 2am.  So at this point my son started going to sleep in his room after crying for 30 min a night and coming in my room at 2 am and I could deal with that but now within the last week or so my son is back screaming for 2 hours when I put him to bed that he wants to come directly into my bed.  It has been a week now that I put him in his bed at 8:45pm and he screams and cries till 11pm EVERY SINGLE NIGHT! I go in and check on him every 20-30 minutes just to cover him up.  At the beginning of the week I tried talking it out with him but that wasnt working so I decided to say very little to him, covering him back up and telling him good night and walking out of the room.  This child is relentless and I am starting to lose my mind.  I don't know what else to do he is going on 4 years old and he is crying it out for 2 hours a every night and still getting up in the middle of the night coming in my bed.  It is putting him in a terrible mood during the day and I don't know if I should just give him the pacifier back at this point or what.  I don't even know if that would help anymore because he doesn't even ask for it anymore.  It's almost like I took something away that he depended on and now he needs to be by my side or he is going to throw a fit.  I thought when all else failed the crying it out method would work like it did when he was 1 1/2.  He would scream then for 2 hours a night and finally after two weeks he stopped and slept great up till now only this time crying it out isn't working and its not getting any better.  Someone give me some idea's even if it is giving him the pacifier back I will do it I just need some peace in my life already! He has been crying it out for a month I don't know what else to do someone help...

post #2 of 17

God give me the courage to step away from this thread!

post #3 of 17
Thread Starter 

I don't understand am i doing something wrong please explain I won't take offense i am sincerely looking for help and if I am doing something wrong than by all means please let me know. 

post #4 of 17

Seems like he really needs your comfort right now.  Instead of putting him down to sleep by himself, you can try snuggling with him and holding him as he falls asleep.  Let him know you're there for him, with him, rather than letting him cry by himself.
 

post #5 of 17
Thread Starter 
Sorry im so frustrated I left this part out of my timeline out. The week prior to him crying it out I spent ftom 8:45 to 9:45 each night sitting next to his bed rubbing his back and every night when I went to leave after that hour he cried for two hours straight . He wasnt going to bed untill midnight thats why after a week of it I felt like I had no other choice but to let him cry it out because the hour of comforting wasnt doing anything but pushing bed time back an additional hour.
post #6 of 17
Quote:
Originally Posted by mvalenti View Post

Sorry im so frustrated I left this part out of my timeline out. The week prior to him crying it out I spent ftom 8:45 to 9:45 each night sitting next to his bed rubbing his back and every night when I went to leave after that hour he cried for two hours straight . He wasnt going to bed untill midnight thats why after a week of it I felt like I had no other choice but to let him cry it out because the hour of comforting wasnt doing anything but pushing bed time back an additional hour.

You are new, so I am assuming you don't realize that we are a community of people who actively discourage CIO, and other harsh training methods. There is a big "sticky" note on the "life with a babe" section, and the "nightime parenting" section. You just happened to be having a problem with your toddler and totally missed the notice, I am assuming.

 

CIO has been proven to be harmful to children, and as you are experiencing right now...It does not work long term. If you are interested we can point out different studies, or you could google it yourself. What's done is done, though so don't fall into despair--just do things differently for now on. :-) Before I new better, I made my eldest CIO and quickly discovered that it "worked" until each new stage, each new tooth, etc. and then I would need to "re-train" her. Sadly for her, I stuck to it for about six months until I went looking for a better solution.

 

In your situation, you did teach your son how to sleep--with a pacifier. I have no idea how long it was taking him to go to sleep on his own, or how many times he was waking and taking comfort in the pacy, I doubt you would notice either if he was quiet--I know I would have slept through a kid waking quietly in another room and putting himself back to bed. The point is, you gave him a tool, now you would like to remove that tool, so you need to figure out something else that will work.

 

If he is coming into your bed anyway, why not let him fall asleep with you for the next month or so and stop the rotating bed drama? You're not sleeping well and neither is he at this point, maybe a few weeks of solid sleep will help you both adjust to life without a pacifier. He well might need two hours to fall asleep, and if you are being anxious about it, he will stay up later I can promise that--kids feed on our energy and the times we most wish they would sleep are the times they.just.won't!

 

If you can, just relax about it. I am not sure I would give back the pacy at this point, but you're the Mommy and you get to decide this stuff. I have never researched extended pacy-use, and don't know the state of his teeth--but maybe you didn't need to take it away? Only you can decide that. Three year olds really don't understand deals, so even though he agreed and you bought a spendy present, it is normal that he tried to go back on the deal as soon as nap-time, or bed-time rolled around. They just can't predict this stuff, or think long term at this point.

 

I wish you both well, and hope this helped some. Written quickly, but with love and honesty I hope

 

 

In you

post #7 of 17

He's 3 1/2.  He doesn't actually understand throwing away a paci for a Jeep.  3 just doesn't understand as much as you think he does.  Give him back the paci.  Screw what other people say and work out a better solution of slowing getting rid of it rather than abruptly taking away something that comforts him.

post #8 of 17

I'm walking the fine line between exhausted and incoherent so pardon if I come off as abrupt.

If your lo wants the paci, give it to him. 6yo dd sucks her thumb and while she's working on stopping during some times of the day she still uses that thumb  to soothe.

If your lo is coming to your bed in the middle of the night after crying for hours I'd say he's clearly needing something. I'm guessing that something is you.

I do like the suggestions sarafi gave you OP. Suggesting that your lo may well need 2 hours to go to sleep might be quite valid and maybe you need that snuggle time to get through this period of paci transition. I can't help but suggest that you be sure your lo isn't needing more outside time each day or activities. I find that my dc don't sleep as well unless they've had a full day. A proper diet may also play a role in some children's sleep habits.

You're here asking your questions. Somewhere in your heart you know CIO isn't the way for you lo. You might consider searching for support in getting through this stage.

 

GL

post #9 of 17

Why do you feel taking the pacifier away is so important at this point? This comes from someone whose kids never used pacifiers so I am not sure if there is a big draw back to them. If there are no problems with his continuing to use the pacifier then let him? 

 

Also, maybe you can wean him off the paci at a slower, more gradual (therefore less traumatic way).  The way things are going right now, neither one of you are benefiting from the process. It is not working at all. You have to change your game here and try something (gentler) instead. 

 

As for the crying for hours straight, well ... that is not working either, yes? He is 3 1/2 years old. Can you just imagine the terror and discomfort he is feeling as he does this? At this age, he not only has instincts but also a thought process in which he uses his experiences to form potentially life long emotional imprints. I do not know what to tell you. Just try to be gentler and try to attempt to see the situation from his perspective greensad.gif.

 

Raising kids is hard. Kuddos to you for looking for advice here. I am sorry that you and your son are going through a rough time.

 

Good luck.

post #10 of 17

Clearly his comfort has been taken away and he is now looking for something else to comfort him - something else to depend on to give him the sense of security so that he can relax enough to fall asleep.  I would be weary of anyone who give such harsh advice as he's 3yrs old and needs to loose his pacifyer... says who!!??  Every child is different so some may need comfort items longer than others... I suggest that you take a step back and try to reconnect with your son and restablish his feelings of safety.  cio and other harsh types of sleep training methods create insecurities and mistrust - who the heck would feel safe to fall asleep after their cries were ignored night after night?  If you are so adamant against your child sleeping in your bed then will you at least be open minded enough to allow him to sleep in your room?  I don't meant to come off as harsh but I think you need to be more compassionate towards your son and realize that he is still very very young and dependent on the adults in his life.

 

Good Luck. 

post #11 of 17
Thread Starter 

Thanks for the advice, just to clear things up I have no problem with my son sleeping in my bed if he comes in the middle of the night but I can't have him going to sleep in my bed at 9pm otherwise I am confined to my bed with him and will never be able to do anything after 9:00.  As far as taking the pacifier I have been fighting with my in laws and a few other outsiders who's kids didn't mind giving up the paci.  I was definitely hesitant and should have stuck with my gut feeling which was not taking it away period. My only issue is at this point is it too late to go back since he doesn't even ask for it any longer?  I would hate to get him hooked back on the paci and still have the problem causing myself even more grief in the end!
 

post #12 of 17

When my little ones were that age, I would lie down with them in my bed to get them to sleep and then get up and leave them there until I went in.  Having them in my bed made all kinds of things so much easier.  I bet it will help a lot with what's going on with your son.  Sounds to me like being close to you is what he's really wanting now.  Good luck!

post #13 of 17
I agree with the others. I think it us awesome you are looking for advice and are open to trying different ways to help your son sleep. If it were me is start the night out with him in your bed for now. As he recovers from this stressful period you can work on getting up after he falls asleep our getting him back into his own bed. I think he needs to be close to you after all this CIO. It will go a, long way toward helping him. Maybe buy a pacifier and tell him the choice is his. Hugs to you!
post #14 of 17
Quote:
Originally Posted by mvalenti View Post

  It's almost like I took something away that he depended on and now he needs to be by my side or he is going to throw a fit.  

 

I think you put it really well---your son had his comfort item taken away from him, and now he's feeling upset, vulnerable, and probably confused. If YOU don't have a problem with the pacifier, I would try giving it back to your son and see if that helps. It doesn't really matter what your in laws, or anyone else think. Your son will probably give up the pacifier when he's ready--when he no longer needs that form of comfort. If you don't want to give it back to him, then I would second what PP have said and give him the comfort he's looking for by cuddling and staying with him at night until he falls asleep. In fact, even if you do give him back the paci, it might be a good idea to offer more closeness at bed time. It sounds like this has been a pretty traumatic and stressful experience for both of you, and your DS would definitely benefit from some extra love and cuddles right now. Like rubidoux said, maybe you stay with your DS until he falls asleep, or until he's calm and drifting off, and then leave the room?

post #15 of 17
Quote:
Originally Posted by mvalenti View Post
  I thought when all else failed the crying it out method would work like it did when he was 1 1/2.  He would scream then for 2 hours a night and finally after two weeks he stopped and slept great up till now only this time crying it out isn't working and its not getting any better.  Someone give me some idea's even if it is giving him the pacifier back I will do it I just need some peace in my life already! He has been crying it out for a month I don't know what else to do someone help...

 

OP

 

What made me walk away from your post were the above lines. It broke my heart to read that your son - at 1.5 yrs of age - cried for 2 hours every night for two weeks and was made to learn that crying for cuddles and comfort and reassurance - even for two hours each night for 2 weeks was futile and learnt to sleep by himself.

 

What I am writing WILL come off as supercilious and judgmental but try and look past that because I am not good with words and will put it as I see it. 

 

My DD is 3 years old and for me she is still a baby. In many ways she is self-assured and independent but during night time and boo-boo time or just cuddle time.. for me she is still a very very small human being. In those aspects I am willing to give her as much time as she needs to "grow up".

 

I realize that not every one can give that to their children since they have constraints and jobs and responsibilities but it still hurts me when I think of the wee ones - I cannot help myself.

 

You got excellent advice from the previous posters. I feel you have some 'making up' to do (forgive me). It is not too late. Let him sleep with you. You will be surprised - yes the problem is the solution itself. Problem: he is wanting to sleep with you ? Solution: let him sleep with you. Give it some time. Make him feel welcome. Soon you should be surprised by how easy this can be.

post #16 of 17

You could probably ask your son if he'd like his pacifier back.

 

Sometimes, one or two nights when your kid needs to go to bed in your bed, and you can't get anything done after 9 that you want, are okay and meaningful to that child.  And it's more important than the things that you 'need' to get done.  And it won't be forever. 

post #17 of 17

My daughter is only 2, but I would think that at your sons age you may be able to work this out with him in an open conversation.  Ask him what he needs at night, if his pacifier would help or not, etc.  If he takes a really long time to fall asleep, maybe you could agree that you will give him some time alone in his bed, then come back when he's really ready to fall asleep.  It may not be the case that he wants as much from you as you think he does.  It may just be that he needs that you will be there when he really needs you.  You won't know what he really needs unless you ask him and really try to listen to his response.
 

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