pregnant and alone
Oh honey, I wish I was there to give you a hug. I don't know any magic cures for you, but posting here is a good start. I think you'll find lots of support here. You've got a lot of different hormones running through your system now then before, and some of those can foster depression. Sometimes it helps a tiny bit to realize the depression is biological, but it's still hard to deal with.
Maybe there is a community organization near you that can help and provide some support resources?
Keep hanging on...
I agree with Danube. Very tough position you're in, but you need some serious support now more than ever. Try googling for community groups or if there's a birth network in your area. If you're still in school you should have access to free counseling on campus. Start there and they may be able to hook you up with some resources. And I would try talking to your mom. You may be exaggerating her reaction due to your mental state. Worse case scenario, you have the same support you did before and best case scenario, you have your mom to help.
As tough as it is to say, abortion is still an option for you. If you've definitely decided against it, you could start talking to an adoption counselor to see what kinds of options you have.
As Danube says, the crazy mix of hormones can do things to your mental state that are totally unexpected. You may hit the second trimester feeling much different about things, so hang in there, but most importantly get some support as soon as possible so you can start thinking through options and taking some control. Best of luck!
With my first pregnancy I was totally freaked out I was 18, and even though I lived with my bf, my conservative, judgemental mom did not approve of shacking up, so I just knew she'd be angry about a surprise pregnancy. To my delight, she was excited and cried tears of joy about her first grandbaby! She was only about 39 or 40. Now I have another baby, and even though this second one was what I had wanted for 6 years, I spend my 1st trimester quite depressed. It's normal for the hormones to have that effect. I encourage you to talk to your mom, and then find a counselor you can talk to about your feelings. Even if you don't keep the baby, a unbiased professional will be a great way to talk through it and help you decide what's right for you. Single parenting has its benefits, and I bet you won't regret an adorable little baby that loves you more than anything.
There is an adoption forum on here and I know some birth moms hang out on there, you might try posting there and see if they will talk with you about their experiences.
As far as prenatal care, do keep taking your vitamins everyday, and make sure they have folic acid in them. Make sure your are drinking plenty of water, especially if you are starting to get morning sickness and throwing up. Ginger can be a great help in that area, also eating small, frequent meals with plenty of protein.
I think you are probably fine to wait a few weeks or so to start care with an ob or midwife unless you are unsure on your dates and wanting a early ultrasound to get a better idea, but you will want to establish regular care by 2nd trimester (13 weeks). Of course if you feel something is wrong or you have bleeding do see about being seen right away.
We have due date clubs here too so if or when you decide you are ready you could join your months and be able to discuss issues with other women who are are due around the same time.
I am on the fence about telling your mom, I think it would totally depend on the dynamics of your relationship with her. If you are close and only not telling her because you are afraid of dissappointing her then I agree with the others. If on ther other hand you think she would react abusively and attempt to force you into a decision you do not want to make then I would not do it at this time. From the tone of your post though it seems the former is true. Perhaps it might be easier if you wrote it out first.
April 2012, this is a tough situation you're in right now. Any woman who finds herself unexpectedly pregnant is going to be anxious about the future. I can see that you are trying to figure out what to do and have many questions and thoughts going through your mind. As the others mentioned, your hormones are going haywire and that is probably contributing to your depression. I know that when I was pregnant, my emotions were all over the place. I was excited and happy one moment and crying and scared the next.
I am glad that you are receiving a lot of support from your friends as well as from here. It breaks my heart that you said that you feel so alone. As hard as it may be, it is important that you talk to your mom about this. So, I'd take the advice that was suggested and sit her down and let her know what is going on. I know how beneficial it is for me to have a network of family and friends to be there for me when making major life decisions. I know that you are going through a lot right now. Another suggestion that you might want to consider is looking into getting some assistance from a local pregnancy resource center. The staff are caring, non-judgmental and can provide counsel. And, I know you can locate centers in your area by giving OptionLine a call at 1-800-712-HELP. Their site offers a great deal of useful information about issues related to unplanned pregancy. This might be worth checking out.
I will be praying for you and this precious little one!
I am sorry you are in this position. My only advice for you is to explore ALL your options -- from keeping the baby to having an abortion and then decide on the one that has the least serious consequence for you. You are young. You have your whole life in front of you. It is time to think of what you envision that life to be.
I was also 20, unmarried, in school when I got pregnant with my first. The family was disappointed when I told them thinking that my life would be over. My mom quickly changed her mind when she heard the baby's heartbeat. It's not always easy (life never is when you think about it) but it's been a great adventure. Wishing you peace in your decision.
Also, those pregnancy hormones can be awful - I suffered from perinatal depression with both my kids. I found Rescue Remedy helpful. All the best to you...
Another suggestion that you might want to consider is looking into getting some assistance from a local pregnancy resource center. The staff are caring, non-judgmental and can provide counsel. And, I know you can locate centers in your area by giving OptionLine a call at 1-800-712-HELP. Their site offers a great deal of useful information about issues related to unplanned pregancy. This might be worth checking out.
Yes! I second that! Find your local Crisis Pregnancy Center (CPC). They are excellent about helping to walk you through all your decisions. They will also help you tell your mom if you need their support.
One thing to remember is that no matter what choice you make it will have life long ramifications. CPC's are there to walk you through each of those. If you choose to keep and raise the baby they are there to assist with maternity clothes, baby clothes, furniture, car seats, parenting classes and emotional support. If you choose adoption they will help you get connected with an adoption agency/attorney who will facilitate the process and will continue to provide counseling for you before and after the baby is placed for adoption. If you choose abortion they do offer post abortion counseling classes because besides it being a physical procedure there is also a lot of emotional and psychological after math that will come up after the fact.
Hang in there. I am sending you hugs and you are welcome to send me a personal message if you need someone to talk to.
I was a client at the CPC when I was 18 and then much later in life I was a volunteer and was able to give back the support that was given me all those years before. I can not say enough about what a tremendous help they are.
I feel your pain! I too am pregnant and alone! I wish I had some friends in my area but unfortunately I don't! My b/f left a month after I found out I was pregnant (I'm now 21 wks) and although my family is somewhat supportive they too live far away! I have been going to my local CPC and they are wonderful there! They have provided counseling to me and also my other 3 children! I know it's rough, I never thought I'd be able to raise 1 child on my own let alone 4 but I have gained strength and you'd be surprised how much strength you have until you have to do something like raising kids on your own! I wish you the best of luck on whatever choice you make! If you ever need someone to talk to you can also message me! Stay strong momma it'll all work out *hugs*
I realize that you are concerned about telling your mother....but you live with her and she sees you...and it's going to become obvious soon enough. Perhaps it is better to tell her now while you still have choices and can use some much needed support. If she doesn't support you, you will have no more support than you currently have, but since she's been in a similar situation, you may just get support you weren't expecting. A counselling center is also a good idea but you are still going to have to tell your mother. As for the stress of telling her, it seems that not telling her is also very stressful, and probably moreso. The stress of not telling her is probably adding signficantly to what you're going through and it might just be better to tell her, get it over with, and then move on. Unless you are planning to terminate the pregnancy early without ever telling her, you will have to tell her sooner or later and in the meantime you will have a tremendous amount of stress because of your fears over telling her, which may or may not be realistic.
i got pregnant with my 1st when i was 17 and was pregnant most of my senior yr of high school. I come from a conservative, religious family, so telling my parents was one of the hardest things i've ever had to do, esp. my dad. I knew how my mom would react so i was ready for it, but I had no idea how my dad was going to react. It did break his heart, he didn't talk to me for days. Then he got a job overseas and left when i was 2 months along (supposedly so he didn't have to see me pregnant i later found out). It was awful. My b/f at the time turned into a total asshole after i got pregnant, we struggled through our relationship and finally ended it when our son was 4 months old. little did i know i was already working with my future husband, whom i started dating just 5 months later when I was totally not looking for another relationship, it kind of just slowly evolved into one. We ended up getting married a couple years later, he adopted my son, then we got pregnant with our 2nd baby, then 3rd, and i just found out friday that we're having #4 (and last) and i'm only 26, DH is 29. I'm actually terrified to tell my mom about this pregnancy and i'm a grown woman! she always has a bad reaction when i tell her i'm pregnant...even though i've been married for the last 2. She's going to think i'm crazy for having 4. But she will get over it, like she did with all the others. Telling your parents is really hard, but it's not the end of the world. I hope you can figure out what YOU want to do and be happy with your decision whatever it may be. But having a baby at 20 is do-able, it will be hard, but you can do it if you want it!
I was 20 when my first child was born. I also hadn't finished school and I wasn't married, and the guy I was with was a total jerk--I was considering breaking up with him when I found out I was pregnant. I also had a lot of anger, depression, and fear. Now that I've had another child, I've realized that a lot of that was hormonal (in fact, I knew when I was pregnant with my daughter almost instantly because I became incredibly angry at something really stupid).
I almost had an abortion and then changed my mind at the last minute. I felt like I should, because I was in such a bad situation to bring a child into, but in my heart I really wanted my baby.
A really good friend of mine had just had a baby at 19, in similar circumstances, only she was in love with her boy friend and wanted to marry him, but her family hated him. She lived down the street and I would often go and hang out with her and hold her baby and she would tell me how hard it was to tell her parents and how awfully they reacted. It made me feel so much better and not as alone. Also, holding her sweet little baby was really encouraging. If anything, I wish I could pass that on to you.
I am separate from that same situation by only eight years, and my life has turned out to be not what I thought it would after all. My mom was horrible to tell, but at the time I wasn't living with her, so it was a bit easier. My dad was actually happy for me. He loves children, and they had always wanted another child. I ended up moving back home once my relationship with my boyfriend deteriorated. I had a good birth in the same birthing center my brother was born in. My boyfriend was there, but that was kind of a mistake. I really tried to make an effort to get along with him, since we were having a baby together, but in the end I realized it was better to let that go and be on my own--in so many ways he made everything harder by being a jerk. He is still not involved and doesn't care to be--he got a new girlfriend really fast and they had a baby together and he did the same thing to her (big surprise).
It turned out to be a good thing for me. I had been kind of indecisively drifting around in life, and having a baby made me be much more grounded. I did work hard--it is difficult to be a single mom in some ways, but much easier in others. I treasure the memories of those days. It made me change what kind of a guy I would want to be in a relationship with. Of course, when I was single I thought I would be single forever and had given up hope of ever having one of those sweet, cozy families that so many other mothers in the mom's group I was in did. (interestingly, quite a few of them are divorced now).
Only a year later, I met a really nice guy I had gone to middle school with, that I ended up marrying when I was 22. This year is our 6th anniversary, and we still get along great. We had another baby when we were 23, and now I'm pregnant again (this one was planned).
One thing that really helped me was to be involved in a local mom's group. It was nice to meet other mothers with babies the same age, and there I was able to meet several other mothers who needed childcare, too, so we traded. One of them even lived just a few blocks away from the college. It worked out great, and it was a relief to me to know that my baby was being well cared for while I was at school or working.
I also realized that it wasn't as important to have a father as I thought. Babies are so attatcched to their mothers at first, and being alone at first meant that I got to establish what was normal for my family--I didn't have to argue with a husband about vaccination, or midwives or co-sleeping. I've heard so many mothers saying they would like to do such and such, only their husband isn't ok with it. My husband, being completely inexperienced with children, has just let me do all the deciding about such things, since that was already what I was doing. I was even disappointed with my second child, thinking I would have a lot more help with a husband, but found out that she only wanted me to hold her for the first year anyway.
Anyway, good luck to you! I hope it all works out for the very best for you as well!