Can I say anything to parents who don't see what's going on?

[redheather]

Right now at my child's preschool, which is small and very loving in a private home, there is a child just over 1yo who has terrible, painful constipation. The parents insist on feeding her nothing but conventional milk. Her stools take a long, painful time to pass and are just hard, pale marbles. She has had bleeding and hemmhoroids too, all this at her young age. She cries and cries. The teacher has spoken with them about it, but they turn a deaf ear. Instead they give the child medicines, which do not seem to be helping (and how could they, that's not the problem).

For me, this edges into the realm of child abuse. It leaves me incredibly upset. But what can I do? What is my place? I have a background in herbal medicine and worked in the field for ten years, but I don't think they will care. They are not on WIC or anything like that; they are both college professors and have enough resources to make the needed changes.

[pammysue]

Honestly, as hard as it is to see a child so uncomfortable, I don't think there is anything you can do. You don' know the whole story.

I also don't really understand why you know so much about this other child and the teacher's cpnversations with the parents. Unless you are personally witnessing this, it really needs to be confidential.

[tinyblackdot]

 My daughter has and has had HORRIBLE constipation.The only relief we have found after limiting her diet, making her take nasty meds or aloe vera juice, seeing GI Dr after GI Dr, are crasins and flax seed muffins.

 Could you add things to her diet while she is in your care? Nothing medical of course, but maybe make some healthy muffins with flax and crasins in them, or fresh pear juice?

 The parents may just be exhausted from talking to Drs about it. I sure was! Still to this day the only answer i get is to add Miralax to her diet. UGH, so frustrating!!!
 

[redheather]

Yes, pammysue, you're right, this is between the parents and the teacher, but I have been at the school for normal parent activities and have observed the child then. And that's exactly why I don't know how I could say anything. Yet how is it ethical to stand back and watch something like this? No, they are not outwardly physically abusing her, but they are ignoring her body's urgent signals. I consider some forms of neglect to be abusive. But what can one do? we certainly can't step in when someone is yelling at their child. We don't know the history.

And I hear you too, tinyblackdot, that it is a big puzzle sometimes. But with this family it is so clear that the cow's milk is the problem, because it is basically all she eats.

The teacher has spoken to them, so I should just let it go. But as an herbalist and a human being it pains me to my core to see a helpless child suffer for no reason.

"Oh well."

[AbbyGrant]

No, you can't, particularly in this situation since you probably shouldn't even know everything you know (what kind of milk the parents "insist" she get, what her poop looks like, the fact that the childcare provider has discussed the issue with them), and you don't know the whole story, and you think the way they are handling situation by giving her medicine is child abuse. It couldn't go well.

[redheather]

You're right. I'm doing better now, having spent time with my counselor on why this is triggering me so much. I won't be talking to them.

[pammysue]

I'm glad you had reasources there to help you work through this. I know it can be so hard to see a child suffer and think "if only..."

[rubidoux]

I agree that it's not your place to do anything about this.  I wanted to chime in, though, because I've been witnessing a situation that I want to talk to the parents about, but I know it's not my place, but it is really bumming me out.  These parents have two boys, a four month old and an 18 month old, and the first time I met them (at an indoor play place that we have a membership at), I was floored by how badly the mom treated the older boy.  The little one was probably only about a month old then, and this mom was being so strict and punitive with the older one the whole time they were there.  I felt so horrible for him.  It seems to me that it must be such a sensitive time in his life, yk, just after having a new baby in the family.  So, I ran into them at this place probably 3 or 4 times and she was always the same way with him, very punitive and nothing about her seemed loving to him at all.  And then a couple of days ago, the dad came with them and was just as mean and on top of this kid as the mom.  I was so heartbroken for the little guy and I've obviously not been able to totally shake it.  I hadn't even thought of the idea that there might be a dad just as bad at home.  

So, while I don't think you can or should say anything...  I certainly can see where you're coming from.  I'm not saying anything either, but I don't feel great about it.

[serenbat]

No, you can't, particularly in this situation since you probably shouldn't even know everything you know (what kind of milk the parents "insist" she get, what her poop looks like, the fact that the childcare provider has discussed the issue with them), and you don't know the whole story, and you think the way they are handling situation by giving her medicine is child abuse. It couldn't go well.

this is what it means to me- WOW! If the OP knows this- what do others know about the OP's or her child?

I would be far more uncomfortable keeping my child in this situation given the "info" that is getting out- good bad, what ever- it's the idea of loose lips that really is so disrespectful -IMO

 I'm doing better now, having spent time with my counselor on why this is triggering me so much.

is this info being passed to other parents? etc

I don't feel this "caregiver" is helping this or any other child if this much info is out there. I would not use this daycare.

[1love4ever]

OP, I totally understand where you are coming from!  I have a friend who's child was in a similar spot in the past at about that age.  She was the one telling me about it, and it was so hard for me to refrain from telling her that maybe she should feed him fruits and vegetables and not just eggo waffles, candy and cows milk from the store.  When she finally did ask for my help one day, I explained a bit to her about how fruits and veggies could help with that, about how kiwi's and prunes can be of particular help if he needed relief, and that a ton of waffles, candy and cows milk were not helping his system.  You know what she did?  She said "yeah....... well I dont think that's it.  If diet mattered at all with his constipation, the doctor would have told me, and she didnt, she just told me to give him laxatives, so that's what I'm going to do."   At first I thought, well why the heck did you ask for my help if you were just going to ignore what I said!?  (she knew how I was, how I fed our family, etc, and she could have guessed that my answer was going to be focused on diet).  But, I guess there is nothing more I can do, and I actually GOT the opportunity to talk to her about it, she just wouldnt hear it!   She even told me that he wont eat prunes and kiwi, I asked if she had ever tried them, she said no, but that she wasnt going to because he probably wouldnt like them. 

And, I have seen parents being mean to little kids too, and it is so hard for me, because on one hand I think that a person should stand up for someone who is helpless, who is being bullied, that it is the decent thing to do for a fellow human being, that we should feel sorry for that person enough to act, not just sit back and let injustice happen, that I would want someone to stand up for me if I was being bullied.  But on the other hand, there is I dont know the whole story, parents are going to raise their kids how they feel fit, it is not my place, there are SO MANY injustices going on in the world and this is so minor, ETC, I mean, what do you do?  This is an issue in my mind that I have not gotten worked out.  So far, no I dont say anything, but I feel so bad and I feel guilty for letting these things happen, and maybe that is what should have happened is me say something about it, otherwise why would my concience bother me so much?  IDK,  obviously I am confused as to what to do....