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6 yo so disrespectful--rant and a plea for advice... - Page 2

post #21 of 33

I haven't read the responses. 

 

Our son is 6.5. The disrespect overflowed. I don't believe in punishment. I do believe in GD.

 

What worked (out of desperation) was to make him earn what is dearest and nearest to his heart--computer time and desserts.

 

We homeschool and he spends his sister's naptime on the computer (usually how it's made.) He also is a sugar addict (though he only gets one sugary food a day.)

 

Quickly we learned that having to work all day to earn something in the evening did not work. It was too long and theoretical. So we started the day working towards afternoon computer time. He needed to be respectful and kind to earn the computer. Then second half of the day was spent earning dessert. If he did something that kept him from earning afternoon computer he immediately started working on earning dessert. It didn't take him long to turn into a rather polite child and the whole earning "rule" went away. Though we randomly bring it up if his behavior is getting borderline.

 

In some ways this is like punishment in that we are taking away a privilege, but it does come out more pro-active in practice. He is working to earn something.

post #22 of 33
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chamsia View Post

I appreciate everyone's input!  The struggle continues.  But I realized that *I* need to get more sleep and to take more deep breaths so as not to escalate things.

yup yup!!! this is absolutely KEY. that is great you are taking care of yourself.

 

also, this is the time to increase chores. or as i like to call it responsibilities. our kids want to help around the house. they want to do things. it makes them feel so important. 

 

of course be careful when you ask them to do it, and be willing to hear a NO. that i feel is ok. 

 

things like setting the table. like putting away dry dishes. or anything you might feel they might 'enjoy'. for some like my dd from age 5 she did a lot at home - washed some dishes, did laundry, sous chef and making me breakfast.

 

i know my friends son was kicked that he learnt how to use the coffee maker and took the morning coffee maker v. seriously.

 

one thing you will notice is when this stage ends, boy the kids change HUGE but subtlely. they become soooo mature and understanding. and when you say no, they accept it. you will be surprised. 

 

in the meantime you have to find the language and strategy that works for your family. and honestly when you as the parent are rested and relaxed, its easy to find that strategy. 

post #23 of 33
Quote:
Originally Posted by meemee View Post

yup yup!!! this is absolutely KEY. that is great you are taking care of yourself.

 

also, this is the time to increase chores. or as i like to call it responsibilities. our kids want to help around the house. they want to do things. it makes them feel so important. 

 

of course be careful when you ask them to do it, and be willing to hear a NO. that i feel is ok. 

 

things like setting the table. like putting away dry dishes. or anything you might feel they might 'enjoy'. for some like my dd from age 5 she did a lot at home - washed some dishes, did laundry, sous chef and making me breakfast.

 

i know my friends son was kicked that he learnt how to use the coffee maker and took the morning coffee maker v. seriously.

 

one thing you will notice is when this stage ends, boy the kids change HUGE but subtlely. they become soooo mature and understanding. and when you say no, they accept it. you will be surprised. 

 

in the meantime you have to find the language and strategy that works for your family. and honestly when you as the parent are rested and relaxed, its easy to find that strategy. 

 

i love this. my DD (who shares a lot of these issues) asked to make me lunch the other day and was totally thrilled about doing it. it was yummy, too :) the coffee maker is a great idea!!!! makes me want to revert to drip coffee instead of either tea or a press/pour over... :) :) 

 

maybe we could throw some other creative ideas for responsibility out there? whenever the cat escapes the apartment door, my DD is in charge of going to get her. we're re-homing the cat, but in the meantime, it works. :) 

post #24 of 33

I'm responding to your OP without reading the responses. My boys also have a "morning list" and "bedtime list" hung up in their room. I've had the idea for awhile and now have instituted a new rule that they cannot get out any toys until the list is done, and they show me. Also, they have to have all the toys put away at night before I start to read aloud and they do their "bedtime list."

Since there is really only one toy they care about -- pokemon cards -- they now have to check those in to a "toy library" and then check them out in the morning after breakfast and chores. There is also a box of Legos and a box of magnets in there.

I have become much more firm and much more simple in my approach. We have a firm 4:00 snack time. Now, it's also a firm rule that they must have cleaned the upstairs (whichever room they were playing in that day) before snack. If they pass 4:15, no snack that day.

I also can't stress enough that I feel having a good relationship with each child individually is the only thing that makes the firmness work and not feel coercive and yucky. My goal is to be calm, firm, and cheerful. As for the backtalk, the more I call my kids out on misbehavior in a calm voice -- "Do not say that to me please, it's rude, " or "I won't have that kind of rudeness," the more they respect our boundaries and direction. I've recently had to call one or the other out on lying, selfishness, verbal insults, and stealing from a sibling. It was all new stuff, not things they had done before, and I made a huge deal of it and let them know I did not expect it to be repeated. So far, so good. I can feel that they are looking to me more as a compass and guide for their behavior and want to know their parents are proud of them.
 

post #25 of 33

I don't think this is AT ALL hormonal. I think it's habit, pretty much everything is. If they try something once, and get away with it, or see that mom and dad are not serious, they may feel it works for them and keep doing it.

I also say "Try that again," or "try another voice," immediately to any kind of whining, demanding, or complaining. I notice that my kids know who they can whine to, because it will work with some people. Just not with me :) I will also say, "I do not say that word to you and I don't expect you to say that word to me, your sister, or anyone."

And reading a few other responses, I totally agree with more responsibilities. If we can keep the kids busy, they are less likely to have time to dream things up or spend energy on arguing. I often remind my husband, people are happy when they are useful. So we always look for ways we can make that happen. I try to find things for them that I know one of them will like, or be challenged by. New things are better than the same -old, like shredding papers or harvesting vegetables or cleaning the bird bath. But still, they do have things, like wash hands and set the table, that have to be done 3 x a day :)

post #26 of 33

 

Try to remember she is only 6 or 7 by now, they are not adults or understand like adults they are children trying to find their way in the world and learn from everything they are shown. Best of luck. 

In the early school years, you won't see dramatic changes in motor skills because this is a period of refinement, when coordination improves and fine motor skills are sharpened. But you will notice remarkable changes in social and thinking skills. Your child is now building on the base of skills developed during early childhood and moving toward greater independence, both intellectually and emotionally.

Here are some of the milestones you can expect of a 6-year-old:

Motor Development

  • may still be somewhat uncoordinated and gawky
  • able to learn to ride a bicycle
  • can move in time with music or a beat

Language & Thinking Development

  • moving toward abstract thinking
  • develops reasoning skills
  • shifts from learning through observation and experience to learning via language and logic
  • wants it all; has difficulty making choices

Social & Emotional Development

  • grows more independent, yet feels less secure
  • craves affection from parents and teachers
  • friendships are unstable; can be unkind to peers
  • needs to win and may change rules to suit herself
  • may be hurt by criticism, blame, or punishment
  • can be rigid, demanding, and unable to adapt
  • increasingly aware that others have may have different feelings

Tips for Parenting a 6-Year-Old

At 6, your child is curious, active, and becoming engrossed in school and new friendships.

  • Provide consistent structure at home to help your child adapt to the disciplined world of school.
  • Give lots of opportunity for physical activity to help develop skills.
  • Make a point of attending your child's school and sports events. It's important for her to show off her accomplishments.
  • Be patient with her selfishness; it will pass.
  • Be generous with praise.
post #27 of 33

We have the same issue. Nothing has worked. Taking away privileges or rewards. We've had a bag of prizes from which she'd get to close her eyes and pick a reward, we made charts, tried just about every thing. Of course I threaten to take a privilege away like you won't be able to go to a bday party and of course she doesn't want that and will listen but only because it's a threat. I guess it is just a phase from some posts I read and am glad to know it is. Phew! No one warned me how hard parenting would actualy be. :eyesroll


Edited by Neera - 10/15/13 at 7:57am
post #28 of 33

The fact that you are trying means a lot to your child, whether she appreciates it or not. Sometimes heart to heart talks are good, and telling her how it affects you. But beyond a certain point I think sometimes it just takes time. Just try to have dates with your child, some stuff like card games or other things where it's fun and no pressure. 

 

I had one child who was extremely spirited, sometimes horribly disrespectful, and always tried to push the rules. It was like playing chess: I made a move and she made a countermove. I stopped having expectations sometimes, just because when I did, I was disappointed or stressed out. This child-- who I sometimes didn't even like-- but still loved with all my heart and soul, finally grew up. Her awareness of the feelings of others developed. I remember the first time I cried in front of her because she had hurt me so badly with her words, she was shocked, scared, and extremely apologetic.

 

I think when I reacted to strongly in a sad way-- which was a lot less confrontational or challenging or power-struggle friendly than getting angry-- a lightbulb went off in her brain. She hated seeing me sad and hurt and realized how powerful those emotions were. She's turned out to be a great kid, has great empathy towards others, and really makes my heart swell. I think the turning point was me showing her how hurtful her words and actions could be to the people she loved.

post #29 of 33
Yes, my six year old son is going through this- he's not following simple instructions, becoming defiant, and speaking to us disrespectfully. I will admit that I am not handling it well by allowing him to see my frustration. I'm starting to deal with it by a) putting the ball into his court by making him feel the threat of real world consequences for some behaviors (nothing health or safety:) for a strong willed kid, it does work. b) starting him in an earning cycle for privileges - so I'm not spending so much time taking things away or threatening to take things away. If he focuses on polite, cooperative behavior, he will have earned treats like screen time. I hate the constant ultimatums that come out of my mouth and how controlling I'm becoming as he is showing less control, so I'm trying a more positive, practical approach.
post #30 of 33
Quote:
Originally Posted by tryingharder View Post
 

 

Try to remember she is only 6 or 7 by now, they are not adults or understand like adults they are children trying to find their way in the world and learn from everything they are shown. Best of luck.

In the early school years, you won't see dramatic changes in motor skills because this is a period of refinement, when coordination improves and fine motor skills are sharpened. But you will notice remarkable changes in social and thinking skills. Your child is now building on the base of skills developed during early childhood and moving toward greater independence, both intellectually and emotionally.

Here are some of the milestones you can expect of a 6-year-old:

Motor Development

  • may still be somewhat uncoordinated and gawky
  • able to learn to ride a bicycle
  • can move in time with music or a beat

Language & Thinking Development

  • moving toward abstract thinking
  • develops reasoning skills
  • shifts from learning through observation and experience to learning via language and logic
  • wants it all; has difficulty making choices

Social & Emotional Development

  • grows more independent, yet feels less secure
  • craves affection from parents and teachers
  • friendships are unstable; can be unkind to peers
  • needs to win and may change rules to suit herself
  • may be hurt by criticism, blame, or punishment
  • can be rigid, demanding, and unable to adapt
  • increasingly aware that others have may have different feelings

Tips for Parenting a 6-Year-Old

At 6, your child is curious, active, and becoming engrossed in school and new friendships.

  • Provide consistent structure at home to help your child adapt to the disciplined world of school.
  • Give lots of opportunity for physical activity to help develop skills.
  • Make a point of attending your child's school and sports events. It's important for her to show off her accomplishments.
  • Be patient with her selfishness; it will pass.
  • Be generous with praise.

Thanks, this post helped me. Since I've read it my attitude has changed toward dd. Many times, sometimes in one single day, dh has to intervene saying that I don't know how to handle her... blah,blah. Since the last couple of days I am the one correcting him. Dd is asking for me for whatever, like helping her put on her shoes etc. She has been telling him he's mean which we both tend to get. I know it's got a lot to do with my attitude in the first place but when I'm overwhelmed I just forget. I also try to simplify by not prioritizing other things over her. Simple things like if she needs a hair cut, normally, I'll get her to do her home work as soon as possible so we could go get the cut. And then of course if things dont' go as scheduled I'll get frustrated. Now, if I am losing my patience, I'll just postpone the hair cut and it's not a big deal.

post #31 of 33

We have had this problem off and on since our son was 3 1/2; he is now 8 1/2.  Aargh.

 

The most important things I have learned are that I won't change his tone by using an unpleasant tone myself, and that it's crucial to stick to the original subject instead of digressing into an argument about who is or is not yelling, being disrespectful, etc.  I have learned this through many miserable experiences of hearing my partner bellow, "I AM NOT YELLING!!!" at the kid--it's much easier to see how wrong this approach is when someone else is doing it--but still it isn't easy to control my own behavior when I'm the one who is being jaw-droppingly disrespected.  The basic approach that works at least medium-well when I manage to use it is this: I consciously speak in the pleasant, polite tone that I would like to hear.  I say, "Use your nice voice.  You want X."  Once this is said, I can let him try again to explain why he deserves X, or I can explain that it will be just fine to do X, or I can tell him that the glue and scissors need to be put away before he can do X, or whatever.  But it's important to use MY nice voice, to keep my complaint about his tone brief, and to return to the subject of X.

 

I know that when I have strong feelings about something, it is difficult to modulate my voice and be polite.  I get very upset when I am trying to talk to my partner about something I really want or need and all he says to me is, "Stop whining," and, "Quietly!" and I feel that he's so focused on criticizing the WAY I'm saying it that he's not listening to WHAT I'm saying, and of course when I feel I'm not being heard I'm tempted to get louder and phrase things more strongly.  Children feel strongly about a lot of things, in the moment, that are not as important to adults.  So I try to let my son feel heard, while also speaking up a little when his approach hurts my feelings.

post #32 of 33
My 6yo is like this too. I use time out ( if you are not respecting others then be alone) and remove privileges. I don't really think this is helping her behaviour though just establishing the boundary. I agree with those who said chores and physical activity. I also used Honey I Wrecked the Kids/Positive Discipline (same thing) to help me handle the situation.
post #33 of 33

I recently read a book called Duct Tape parenting. There's lots of great advice about dealing with troublesome behaviors that annoy parents. Much of the advice centers around making children more responsible for what happens in her day. I really enjoyed it, although I'm not sure how well I've incorporated it into my life. 

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