6 yo so disrespectful--rant and a plea for advice... - Page 2

[SundayCrepes]

I haven't read the responses. 

Our son is 6.5. The disrespect overflowed. I don't believe in punishment. I do believe in GD.

What worked (out of desperation) was to make him earn what is dearest and nearest to his heart--computer time and desserts.

We homeschool and he spends his sister's naptime on the computer (usually how it's made.) He also is a sugar addict (though he only gets one sugary food a day.)

Quickly we learned that having to work all day to earn something in the evening did not work. It was too long and theoretical. So we started the day working towards afternoon computer time. He needed to be respectful and kind to earn the computer. Then second half of the day was spent earning dessert. If he did something that kept him from earning afternoon computer he immediately started working on earning dessert. It didn't take him long to turn into a rather polite child and the whole earning "rule" went away. Though we randomly bring it up if his behavior is getting borderline.

In some ways this is like punishment in that we are taking away a privilege, but it does come out more pro-active in practice. He is working to earn something.

[meemee]

Originally Posted by Chamsia 

I appreciate everyone's input!  The struggle continues.  But I realized that *I* need to get more sleep and to take more deep breaths so as not to escalate things.

yup yup!!! this is absolutely KEY. that is great you are taking care of yourself.

also, this is the time to increase chores. or as i like to call it responsibilities. our kids want to help around the house. they want to do things. it makes them feel so important. 

of course be careful when you ask them to do it, and be willing to hear a NO. that i feel is ok. 

things like setting the table. like putting away dry dishes. or anything you might feel they might 'enjoy'. for some like my dd from age 5 she did a lot at home - washed some dishes, did laundry, sous chef and making me breakfast.

i know my friends son was kicked that he learnt how to use the coffee maker and took the morning coffee maker v. seriously.

one thing you will notice is when this stage ends, boy the kids change HUGE but subtlely. they become soooo mature and understanding. and when you say no, they accept it. you will be surprised. 

in the meantime you have to find the language and strategy that works for your family. and honestly when you as the parent are rested and relaxed, its easy to find that strategy. 

[rosadesal]

Originally Posted by meemee 

yup yup!!! this is absolutely KEY. that is great you are taking care of yourself.

also, this is the time to increase chores. or as i like to call it responsibilities. our kids want to help around the house. they want to do things. it makes them feel so important. 

of course be careful when you ask them to do it, and be willing to hear a NO. that i feel is ok. 

things like setting the table. like putting away dry dishes. or anything you might feel they might 'enjoy'. for some like my dd from age 5 she did a lot at home - washed some dishes, did laundry, sous chef and making me breakfast.

i know my friends son was kicked that he learnt how to use the coffee maker and took the morning coffee maker v. seriously.

one thing you will notice is when this stage ends, boy the kids change HUGE but subtlely. they become soooo mature and understanding. and when you say no, they accept it. you will be surprised. 

in the meantime you have to find the language and strategy that works for your family. and honestly when you as the parent are rested and relaxed, its easy to find that strategy. 

i love this. my DD (who shares a lot of these issues) asked to make me lunch the other day and was totally thrilled about doing it. it was yummy, too :) the coffee maker is a great idea!!!! makes me want to revert to drip coffee instead of either tea or a press/pour over... :) :) 

maybe we could throw some other creative ideas for responsibility out there? whenever the cat escapes the apartment door, my DD is in charge of going to get her. we're re-homing the cat, but in the meantime, it works. :) 

[webjefita]

I'm responding to your OP without reading the responses. My boys also have a "morning list" and "bedtime list" hung up in their room. I've had the idea for awhile and now have instituted a new rule that they cannot get out any toys until the list is done, and they show me. Also, they have to have all the toys put away at night before I start to read aloud and they do their "bedtime list."

Since there is really only one toy they care about -- pokemon cards -- they now have to check those in to a "toy library" and then check them out in the morning after breakfast and chores. There is also a box of Legos and a box of magnets in there.

I have become much more firm and much more simple in my approach. We have a firm 4:00 snack time. Now, it's also a firm rule that they must have cleaned the upstairs (whichever room they were playing in that day) before snack. If they pass 4:15, no snack that day.

I also can't stress enough that I feel having a good relationship with each child individually is the only thing that makes the firmness work and not feel coercive and yucky. My goal is to be calm, firm, and cheerful. As for the backtalk, the more I call my kids out on misbehavior in a calm voice -- "Do not say that to me please, it's rude, " or "I won't have that kind of rudeness," the more they respect our boundaries and direction. I've recently had to call one or the other out on lying, selfishness, verbal insults, and stealing from a sibling. It was all new stuff, not things they had done before, and I made a huge deal of it and let them know I did not expect it to be repeated. So far, so good. I can feel that they are looking to me more as a compass and guide for their behavior and want to know their parents are proud of them.
 

[webjefita]

I don't think this is AT ALL hormonal. I think it's habit, pretty much everything is. If they try something once, and get away with it, or see that mom and dad are not serious, they may feel it works for them and keep doing it.

I also say "Try that again," or "try another voice," immediately to any kind of whining, demanding, or complaining. I notice that my kids know who they can whine to, because it will work with some people. Just not with me :) I will also say, "I do not say that word to you and I don't expect you to say that word to me, your sister, or anyone."

And reading a few other responses, I totally agree with more responsibilities. If we can keep the kids busy, they are less likely to have time to dream things up or spend energy on arguing. I often remind my husband, people are happy when they are useful. So we always look for ways we can make that happen. I try to find things for them that I know one of them will like, or be challenged by. New things are better than the same -old, like shredding papers or harvesting vegetables or cleaning the bird bath. But still, they do have things, like wash hands and set the table, that have to be done 3 x a day :)