Article/blog about importance of SAHM?

[bluedaisy]

My DH is from a culture where most moms with small children have a live in nanny/cook/maid who is very inexpensive so the mom can work.

I have always wanted to be a SAHM, and have always been up front with him about.  He just doesn't understand - he doesn't understand why I would want to SAH and why it would be important for our kids to be with a parent.

It's hard for me that he doesn't get it because it's somethng that is so important to me.  I have a advanced education (masters) and was very successful, but now I just want to be with my kids - at least for hte first 3-5 years. Since DD was born 3 1/2 years ago, I've had to work part time but have been lucky that it's been a very flexible job and she's only had to be with a babysitter for 12 hours or less a week.

We are moving to a culture where we will have full time help, and I'll likely work part time (less than 20 hrs per week) - but DH doesn't understand why I would still want to be with the kids so much when we will hire someone to do most of hte cooking and cleaning.

Do you know of any short articles that talk about the benefits of young children being with their mothers, or about mothers who were successful career women who decided to be at home? 

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by bluedaisy 

I have always wanted to be a SAHM, and have always been up front with him about.  He just doesn't understand - he doesn't understand why I would want to SAH and why it would be important for our kids to be with a parent.

It's hard for me that he doesn't get it because it's somethng that is so important to me.

My take is that this isn't so much about SAHM vs Working, but a fundamental problem with your marriage -- he doesn't care what you think, what your opinion is, or what you value.  He doesn't listen when you talk, or he just doesn't care what it is you say.  (My take would be different if you didn't have a 3 /12 year old -- but you guys have been through this conversation a zillion times now, and he isn't listening).

Rather than attempting to convince him that there is value in you spending time with your children, I suggest getting to the root of the communication problem -- mostly because I suspect that this root problem will play out in a variety of ways while you guys raise kids together. You are still fairly early in this journey, and you have so many decisions in the next 15 years and you guys will need REAL SKILLS to make those choices.

Marriage counseling. Start building a real foundation for how to make decisions together, how to make sure you both feel heard, how to find compromises and value what the other person (and their culture) bring to your family.

[bluedaisy]

Thanks Linda, I agree some of it is a communication problem - I do sometimes feel like he doesnt really understand where I am coming from.

Being a SAHM for me hasn't been a realistic choice at this point - we got a surprise pregnancy months before DH was supposed to start grad school, and I was able to find a very flexible job that provided housing, utilities, internet, and food.  We have been financially strained and DH has also made some significant sacrifices for our family - working a full time job that he HATED so we would have enough money and health benefits.  So I feel like we've both sacrificed for our family to make things work.

If we were in a financial position for me to stay at home, I don't think he would object to it - and I think I'll be able to arrange my new schedule in our new home to still be with the kids a lot.  So it's not that he is preventing me from doing it, he just doesn't get why it is so important to me because he doesn't see SAHMs in his culture.  I wish I could communicate that having a strong desire to be WITH my children is completely normal for a young woman, and that kids NEED a secure attachment and benefit from being with a parent as their primary caregiver. 

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by bluedaisy 
Being a SAHM for me hasn't been a realistic choice at this point -.....

If we were in a financial position for me to stay at home, I don't think he would object to it - and I think I'll be able to arrange my new schedule in our new home to still be with the kids a lo

Providing him with research that his absolute best effort to provide for you and for the child you have together hasn't been enough, that damage has been done to your child is NOT going to help. At all.

As much as I see benefits for children having a stay at home parent (I stayed home full time until both my kids were teens) there are other things that are MORE important, and food and shelter are on that list. Mom and dad getting along is also on the list.

Do you really want your husband to tell you that your child would be doing better right now if you had never worked? Is that really what you want to hear from him?  (in your situation, I think I would find that a little heartbreaking.)

If he really doesn't care how much you work, why do you need him to validate you being home? My DH doesn't care either -- I find that freeing. I'm not boxed into what he wants me to do, and instead can make my own choices and change my mind. It's actually easier this way. I'm not sure that being married to man who feels that all moms *should* be home with their children would be better/easier than being married to a man who feels that no moms should be home with their children. I would find either way confining.

[porcelina]

Hi, I can understand where you are coming from. I have seen numerous references on mothering to articles/books suggesting how important it is to have a stay at home parent. I'm sure if you did a search on google with "site:mothering.com" included in there, you would get a lot of information.

In psychology, early childhood development stresses the importance of attachment and a child's primary caregiver. From what I can tell, it is optimal for a child to have a primary attachment figure until age 2.5 or 3 (depending on child), and then he or she can develop more complex relationships with care providers and peers. You can do a search on Bowlby and find some interesting information there.

Of course, ultimately, a child needs happy parents, and that means different things for different people! But, it sounds like for you, that means staying home. Good luck to you!
 

[erinleee]

hey,

I hope you and your husband can figure this out so that you are both happy and your children are happy!  I see first hand that I am a way better mother when I am not working and stressed out.  I am pregnant with my second and definitely will be staying at home for a long time.  It seems we all know how important that attatchment is... those years fly by so fast.  Its great that you want to be at home, doing that work and take the time to appreciate your kid!

I recently read a VERY good book talking about how important it is to have someone at home caring for kids, making food and making it a comfortable, happy home.  Also tells of how its fully possible financially, but its a matter of changing our homes from a place of consumption to a place of production.

Its called Radical Homemakers. Here is my blog post about it!

good luck, keep following your heart!