or Connect
Mothering › Groups › January 2013 Due Date Club › Discussions › I feel disconnected from my partner....

I feel disconnected from my partner....

post #1 of 9
Thread Starter 

I'm really struggling with my partner right now and I remember having similar feelings when I was pregnant the first time, with my ex-husband.  I haven't spoken to DP for over a day at this point after having a huge fight yesterday where we both said some hurtful things.  My issue is that he is the type who does maybe half of the house work but NEVER cooks a meal and we both work about the same hours in a week, but he has this inflated sense of what he does and really thinks he deserves a pat on the back for stuff I do in stride.  He is a 34 year old man and this will be his first child.   After dating him and his ego for nearly three years I can honestly say this will feel like my third child since he's a bigger baby about a lot of things than my son, lol!  So, what sparked this fight is this:  Two months ago, I miscarried.  I had a very hard time dealing with it and he made matters worse by saying ALL the wrong things (literally looking at an ovulation calendar within an hour after I found out I was miscarrying to see when he could get me pregnant next, etc), making the experience about him and HIS loss.  He's very self-centered and not exactly sensitive/compassionate.  A few nights back a friend of his was having a surprise birthday at a bar and I knew a lot of his friends would be there so I told him to go, say hi, have a beer or two.  Normally the rule is when I'm pregnant we both abstain from pregnancy no-no's, so this was an exception.  Right before he left I went to the bathroom and noticed I was bleeding, which made my heart sink.  He went out anyway.  I spent the evening feeling so sad, worried, crying and the sob came home at two a.m. drunk.  I don't know how to get it through to him that after the way he dropped the ball during my miscarriage two short months ago I really needed him to be with me while I was scared, or at least to come home sober enough to talk to me about it.  It makes me feel so alone, like he doesn't understand where I'm at in the least and we have no common ground to stand on.  I feel his behavior was the epitome of disconnected, selfish, and uncaring.  His response is, "You said I could go".  I guess what I'm wondering is if anyone else struggles to remain connected to their partner during the hormonal tides of pregnancy and maybe if there's something I could DO about it.  I want nothing to do with the man right now. 

post #2 of 9

Did you tell him you needed him home? He's right - you said he could go. That is probably all he had in mind.

 

I have Aspergers syndrome. Because of that, I don't always pick up on why my husband is in a mood and I don't always know what he expects from me. He has to tell me. It doesn't always occur to me to act on something right away. Additionally, he doesn't always pick up on MY moods and needs, so I have to tell him. 

 

Be more outspoken about your needs. Verbalizing it may help your communication and help you feel closer to him.

 

Are you still spotting or bleeding? I hope not. :( hug.gif

post #3 of 9
Thread Starter 

The thing is, I told him he could go BEFORE I was bleeding.  And I would have been absolutely fine with him going to the party, the issue is that he not only chose to go knowing that I was in a funky place emotionally but that he came home drunk.  He could have gone out for an hour or two, had a few beers and come home sober enough to be there for me.  He didn't need to take whiskey shots with his buddies and come home wasted.  My feeling is, it's OUR baby, and I seem to be the only one concerned about it's welfare.  I was the one nervous and upset, he was the one at the bar without a care in the world.  Our realities are incongruous and it makes me feel disconnected from him.  

 

No part of his behavior was supportive or understanding during my miscarriage and we talked and worked through that.  It feels like a slap in the face that I *could* be going through the same thing, again, and he didn't choose me over the party.  Let me put it this way, since there's a lot of back story I won't get into:  I have always been there for him, he is only there for me when things are 'easy'.  He's like a fair-weather friend, so to speak.  When the going gets tough, I'm on my own.  Normally I'm a tough enough cookie to handle it because I'm pretty independent, but now that I'm pregnant I feel more vulnerable and needy and he just doesn't know how to be there for me.  Does no one else find pregnancy to be isolating?

post #4 of 9
Thread Starter 

And yes, still spotting here and there, though less.

post #5 of 9
Quote:
Originally Posted by hotsauce View Post

The thing is, I told him he could go BEFORE I was bleeding.  And I would have been absolutely fine with him going to the party, the issue is that he not only chose to go knowing that I was in a funky place emotionally but that he came home drunk.  He could have gone out for an hour or two, had a few beers and come home sober enough to be there for me.  He didn't need to take whiskey shots with his buddies and come home wasted.  My feeling is, it's OUR baby, and I seem to be the only one concerned about it's welfare.  I was the one nervous and upset, he was the one at the bar without a care in the world.  Our realities are incongruous and it makes me feel disconnected from him.  

 

No part of his behavior was supportive or understanding during my miscarriage and we talked and worked through that.  It feels like a slap in the face that I *could* be going through the same thing, again, and he didn't choose me over the party.  Let me put it this way, since there's a lot of back story I won't get into:  I have always been there for him, he is only there for me when things are 'easy'.  He's like a fair-weather friend, so to speak.  When the going gets tough, I'm on my own.  Normally I'm a tough enough cookie to handle it because I'm pretty independent, but now that I'm pregnant I feel more vulnerable and needy and he just doesn't know how to be there for me.  Does no one else find pregnancy to be isolating?

 

Ohhh, wow, this definitely gives a little more insight. I also felt totally unsupported during my miscarriages, though the 2nd time was a little better than the first. 

 

How does he do if you tell him directly, "Hey, I feel -x- and I need for you to say/do -x- to help me feel better." ?? Would he listen? Or would he still just zone out and be a fair-weather friend? 

 

I don't feel alone during pregnancy, but I have felt alone other times. It's usually been due to a completely ridiculous lack of communication and once we get that figured out, it's better. But pregnancy, generally, is good.

 

Surely someone else out there would understand this a little better than I. :-/

 

I hope the spotting is nothing. :(

post #6 of 9
Thread Starter 

We're still not talking to one another.  I literally haven't seen his face in two whole days, but we've been working opposite schedules and he's been sleeping on the couch.  I woke up at five a.m. suddenly with my thoughts so focused and clear, I knew exactly how and what to say to him so I sent him a very long e-mail expressing myself and my feelings.  He just sent me an equally long email back basically letting me know that his intentions are good and he's very willing, he just hasn't ever been here before.  A lot of our relationship is me (Pisces woman) teaching him (Aries man) how to not be so selfish and me, me, me all the time.  Pregnancy is not a time when a man can be me, me, me.  I explained how our roles are different and how nature exacts a tax from the mother by default, father's need to choose to be giving.  He gets it, he's a smart man.  I just wish I knew of exercises we could do together to help him bond with me and his growing baby.  He doesn't feel included in what's going on and I think that might be a common thing for men.

post #7 of 9

Oh, WOW. Sometimes email is the BEST way for us to communicate, as well. 

 

Maybe google how to include an aries man?? (My 12 yr old is also an aries! I am a scorpio.)

post #8 of 9

hotsauce in my experience (2 kids by 2 different men) the bond grows as the baby does.  It's really hard to connect to someone (or something, as they often think of tiny babies) that is tiny and growing in someone else's body - think of the amount of love you could muster for a niece or nephew growing in your sister's womb - you can relate, to a degree, to what your sister is going through, but you cannot really begin to separate your love for her from your love for her baby until it is rolling and kicking under your hand, you know?  And even then, only when it is born can you and it begin to have a relationship, a relating to one another, that is separate from that which you have with your sister.  Ok, you say, but this is HIS baby, but my analogy is as close as it's gonna get for him, it's not inside him, it's not changed everything for him, it's not demanding his attention via bladder, stomach, head, heart every 3 seconds.

 

Both my baby's daddies love their kids, the first one was selfish and i left him for it, rather than stay unfulfilled and lonely, BUT he loves his DD, and her sister (he's playing with both kids in the backyard right now!).  The second is not selfish, he is wonderful and we're having another kid now.  But in both cases their love has grown as the babies did, they did not have the fierce injection of hormones to make them defensive of them like i did.  They did not ache with tiredness, heave with nausea, toss and turn to find SOME WAY to lie without their boobs complaining.  The whole thing, until the baby is big enough to be able to kick them in the back when you spoon them in bed, is cerebral.  Cerebral involvement is noble, but it's more of a chore to REMEMBER to be involved (think of flour babies or those teen-abstinence baby dolls!) than when one is physically compromised.

 

Your DH will get it, about the baby, WITH the baby, in time.  Right now he's trying to adjust to how YOU are, and you're trying to adjust to all these changes, all this physical and emotional and hormonal stuff which is overrunning your normal self.

post #9 of 9
Thread Starter 

GoBecgo, thank you for that.  With my first husband I felt very alone in a similar way and my partner knows that.  We have talked at length about how unsatisfying that was for me and how a lot of my reasons for leaving my ex actually stemmed from stuff that happened during my pregnancy and my labor.  Things transpired that I forgive him for, but after my son's birth I just knew I would never want to have another child with him.  I told my partner about how, when pregnant with my son, we went to a bookstore.  I bee-lined for the family/pregnancy/child-raising section as my ex went, as usual, towards the books on green building, art, architecture and design.  I kept waiting for him to join me in perusing the family books but he never did.  In the car on the way home I remember flipping out in a hormone-induced way, yelling, "I was ALONE in the family section!  I shouldn't be ALONE in the FAMILY SECTION!"  It's funny to me now, but the whole experience left me with something to be desired.  I really want to have a baby WITH someone.  To include him in the process and feel supported. Just because it's happening in me doesn't mean he can't educate himself and be a part of it.  I told him he can start being a good father by practicing his nurturing skills on mama right now.  He's working on it.  He's reading a history of birth right now, as well as a book on fathering.  He brings me fruit salad to work, buys me flowers, is keeping the house clean and helping with my son so I can rest.  He brushes my hair before bed and massages my feet. He's getting it.  It's not so much that I want him to bond with his baby as I want him to be there for and with me during this.  Last time, my pregnancy divided my ex and I.  I would like this experience to bring my partner and I closer.  What hurt me so much is how much of a complete asshat he was after my miscarriage, which I worked to forgive him for.  Two months later, knowing I was feeling like I was in that same boat again, he wasn't there for me.  We've gotten through it mainly because he tries so hard and is willing to learn, he just isn't that intuitive of a man and sometimes I wish I didn't have to spell things out to him.  I know he can't bond with the baby yet, I just want him to be intimately involved in MY process, to experience this vicariously through me.  He is a great step-father to my son and will be a great dad to his own, and I truly feel like this baby is meant to round out and complete our family.  He/she will be the missing and perhaps final piece.  My last birth was not so great in both the actual labor/delivery aspect and also in that I didn't have the educated, present, respectful kind of support I needed.  In order for this to be the healing experience I desperately want to have I need to work to ensure he and I are in it together, on the same page.  

  Return Home
  Back to Forum: January 2013 Due Date Club
Mothering › Groups › January 2013 Due Date Club › Discussions › I feel disconnected from my partner....