midwife bringing her child to my birth? - Page 3

[jgale]

I attended a home birth as a 'second pair of hands' with my 3-month old daughter. The midwives in the practice (who had delivered my kids) had 2 deliveries happening at once so they called me to see if I could help out. I think since I was the second midwife and because the laboring woman had a lot of support, it worked out okay. As it happened, there was a bit of an emergency with the placenta and I had to hand my baby off really fast to the lady's sister so I could help. Up until that point, I had mostly been creeping around the house, trying to stay out of everyone's way.

When I had my second baby, one of the midwives (who was also my very close friend) had her baby there for part of the time. I wasn't really aware of it at all--until I saw the sweet pictures afterwards of my toddler playing with him.

I would never attend a delivery as the primary midwife with an infant or toddler in tow--I'd be way too distracted. And I would second what everyone else has said, which is that if you're not comfortable, it's OK to say no. Best wishes and good luck J

[LionessMom]

Originally Posted by IdentityCrisisMama 

LM, out of curiosity, is your MW providing the doula or are you? 

i contracted the doula and paid her myself. she has never met the midwife. or the second midwife. 

also, i only paid the first midwife and did not know right away that there would be a second one there. i have never had a homebirth before so i was not sure how it is supposed to go. they are all independent midwives but they like to attend births in 2's. just in case the second is needed. i got the impression this is not the first birth this child has followed her to. i really like both midwives. i am just having doubts as to whether or not i would feel comfortable with the baby there. i was thinking that if he started crying it might distract me from where i want my mind to go. 

i appreciate all the comments from everybody. it has really helped me feel better about it all and i now realize that different areas and different people have different expectations for their birth. i have another meeting with them in 2 weeks. it is my home visit where everybody gets to meet everybody else and i get to show them around my home to where the stuff is stored. i am sure we will discuss it again then. 

[pickle18]

Originally Posted by Cyllya 

Is that really what you think that would happen? If you were in any emergency situation that required action on your part while your child was present, is that how you would act?

e.g.

Your husband: "Honey, the house is on fire. We need to evacuate."

You: "Hold on, the baby is crying."

(And then you plop yourself down in your favorite nursing spot while the house burns around you.) 

Sure it's best to respond to your child's hunger ASAP, but regardless of whether you're a stay-at-home mom or a professional bringing your child to work, I think there are inevitably going to be times where you can't drop everything and put your kid to the breast right that second. That is a bummer for the kid, certainly, but if people were irreparably harmed by that happening a couple times throughout their infancy, I don't think humanity would have survived this long.

Yeah, I sincerely doubt that this scenario would play out that way...and whatever "damage" occurs to the child for having to wait could very well be ALOT less than Mom jumping up and leaving them with whomever she can find in a hurry.  Particularly if they are not used to being left - someone mentioned that "a baby that age can be left" - maybe, maybe not - my DS certainly couldn't!  If the child is easy going, used to being left with a trusted caregiver who is available, maybe.  But the 24/7 nature of the job means that perfect scenario might not line up - and alot of babies are *very* sensitive to being left, to abrupt changes in plans, etc.  I know if it were me, I'm WAAAY more likely to be distracted by imagining my child freaking out at my absence than by him snuggling safely on my body.

The only real issue I see here is whether the baby crying would possibly add to the chaos and stress of a true emergency.

...there's a difference between, "You should turn this midwife down if you don't want the baby there," and "This midwife is unprofessional and incompetent for wanting to bring a baby."

  I don't think anyone has said that the OP should force herself out of her comfort zone and accept a baby being present at the cost of her emotional wellbeing.  If it would be distracting for you, perhaps decline.  But I don't get the downward slide into judgment going on...

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Originally Posted by LionessMom 

i contracted the doula and paid her myself. she has never met the midwife. or the second midwife. 

Ah, OK. I am sort of accustomed to MWs coming with a second set of hands that they work well with. I kind of assumed that your MW knew the doula and the doula was her active support person and the MW with the baby was her 3rd pair of hands. Give this new info, I would be a little more hesitant.  It will be really nice to have all three people there at your home visit. 

Quote:

Originally Posted by LionessMom 

also, i only paid the first midwife and did not know right away that there would be a second one there. i have never had a homebirth before so i was not sure how it is supposed to go. they are all independent midwives but they like to attend births in 2's. just in case the second is needed. i got the impression this is not the first birth this child has followed her to. i really like both midwives. i am just having doubts as to whether or not i would feel comfortable with the baby there. i was thinking that if he started crying it might distract me from where i want my mind to go. 

If you're working with an independent MW - she will have back-ups. I personally would always want a MW and an assistant at my birth. If you do decide you'd rather not have the MW with the child there you can probably see if your MW has an alternate. With my last MW I started to get concerned with her back-up MW (not her assistant). Towards the end of my pregnancy I felt I needed to request specific people be called. My MW was super understanding. 

Quote:

Originally Posted by LionessMom 
i appreciate all the comments from everybody. it has really helped me feel better about it all and i now realize that different areas and different people have different expectations for their birth.

That is interesting isn't it? 

[LionessMom]

Originally Posted by IdentityCrisisMama 

Ah, OK. I am sort of accustomed to MWs coming with a second set of hands that they work well with. I kind of assumed that your MW knew the doula and the doula was her active support person and the MW with the baby was her 3rd pair of hands. Give this new info, I would be a little more hesitant.  It will be really nice to have all three people there at your home visit. 

If you're working with an independent MW - she will have back-ups. I personally would always want a MW and an assistant at my birth. If you do decide you'd rather not have the MW with the child there you can probably see if your MW has an alternate. With my last MW I started to get concerned with her back-up MW (not her assistant). Towards the end of my pregnancy I felt I needed to request specific people be called. My MW was super understanding. 

That is interesting isn't it? 

all 3 will be at the home visit, along with my mother who is to care for my other children, my husband who wants to be hands off lol, and my children. everybody who is supposed to be at the birth will attend. i am thinking i should have snacks on hand that day. :)

i really really like the 2nd midwife. almost as much as the first. i only met her once but she exuded confidence and knowledge. made everyone around her feel relaxed and secure. i do want her to be there as well. but like i said, i was unsure how it will work out with her child there too. 

it is all very interesting to me. i love studying people and why and how they do what they do or feel how they feel or think, etc. the way i make decisions is first i have a gut feeling. then i ask everybody for their opinions. i digest it all and try to see it from their perspective before i either change my mind or stay with my original thought. having heard from women whose midwife brought a child and how it worked for them helps tremendously. bc then i can work out in my head all the scenarios and how it might work out here. i think the unknown is what gets me the most. it is a new thing for me. but knowing all the different ways it can go prepares me and gives me an idea of what can happen. it gives me more security. 

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Originally Posted by LionessMom 

it is all very interesting to me. i love studying people and why and how they do what they do or feel how they feel or think, etc. the way i make decisions is first i have a gut feeling. then i ask everybody for their opinions. i digest it all and try to see it from their perspective before i either change my mind or stay with my original thought. having heard from women whose midwife brought a child and how it worked for them helps tremendously. bc then i can work out in my head all the scenarios and how it might work out here. i think the unknown is what gets me the most. it is a new thing for me. but knowing all the different ways it can go prepares me and gives me an idea of what can happen. it gives me more security. 

Oh, me too!  I think it's super interesting the range of responses from HB mamas on this thread. It's a credit to the huge variety of practices and personalities within HB. When I think of my two planned HBs and imagine a 8-10 month old I think of a few things. 1st is at that age the baby has a over 50% chance of being asleep. In both of my births I needed two sets of trained hands to help me for some of the time. For my second birth we had a minor emergency situation and my MW needed a co-worker, someone who knew where to find her supplies and someone she worked well with. But, this was only for about a half hour out of the whole thing. If you're whole support team doesn't mind pitching in where needed I think it would be fine. 

Let us know how the home visit goes! 

[LionessMom]

Originally Posted by IdentityCrisisMama 

Oh, me too!  I think it's super interesting the range of responses from HB mamas on this thread. It's a credit to the huge variety of practices and personalities within HB. When I think of my two planned HBs and imagine a 8-10 month old I think of a few things. 1st is at that age the baby has a over 50% chance of being asleep. In both of my births I needed two sets of trained hands to help me for some of the time. For my second birth we had a minor emergency situation and my MW needed a co-worker, someone who knew where to find her supplies and someone she worked well with. But, this was only for about a half hour out of the whole thing. If you're whole support team doesn't mind pitching in where needed I think it would be fine. 

Let us know how the home visit goes! 

i will. lol. 

after all the responses i have decided that i am not worried about it anymore. my mom will be there to watch my children. my husband will be there to help find things. my 17 yr old will be there to help children if my mom needs to help me or he can help find things. he said he would help if needed but he prefers to stay in his room until he can hold the baby. the 8 yr old will help grandma with the 5 and 2 yr old. then i have a doula for hands on labor support. for cool rags or counter pressure or physically helping me change positions. then the midwife to monitor everything and make sure everything is going smooth and helping me to catch the baby and throw down chux and clean up birth goo. lol. so there is no need for a second midwife unless the first needs support herself or they need to help the baby right away or i start bleeding etc. the doula will make the placenta smoothie after the first midwife checks it and gives her the appropriate sized chunk and then she will fridge it. and i am sure that if the second is needed for an emergency, someone will help her baby as there will be all kinds of old enough people to hold a baby so she can be on hand. i am confident it will work fine now.

[purslaine]

Originally Posted by LionessMom 

all 3 will be at the home visit, along with my mother who is to care for my other children, my husband who wants to be hands off lol, and my children. everybody who is supposed to be at the birth will attend. i am thinking i should have snacks on hand that day. :)

If you are going to have numerous people the second midwife could hand the baby off to in an emergency (such as your mom, if she is willing) I would be concerned less.

My real objection is that in rare circumstances the second midwife is needed, and really needs to be able to focus.  If there is someone else who can watch the baby for her in the event she is needed (even if that someone is at your house) then it is all good. 

Edited to add:  it seems you have come to a similar conclusion.  It seems I should read the entire thread before I post!  Congrats on the pregnancy and have an amazing birth!

[elus0814]

No way would I have been ok with someone else's baby tagging along to my homebirth. As it was I didn't even want my own children in the house. They were on the second floor during late labor/the birth and the faint sounds of their playing, talking, walking, etc. drove me nuts. I'm a pushover in labor so I never said "no, this is my birth space and I need/want quiet".

I do feel it's unprofessional. Unless the midwife was taking you on without pay I think it's inappropriate to ask you if a child can tag along. Maybe if you go into labor and your babysitter and your backup babysitter are ill and you can't find someone else maybe I could see bringing a baby along to a birth.

This is the reason why I'm not a doula or midwife. I would like to be but I would have to bring my children and that's not fair to a laboring woman.

I can only imagine the uproar if a female OB asked if she could bring her baby while attending births! A midwife is a professional just like an OB. If she is unable to find childcare spur of the moment 99% of the time she needs to reconsider her profession. I know that's harsh but it's how I feel.

[elus0814]

I want to add that I wouldn't be offended if the midwife asked. I wouldn't find it super professional but it wouldn't bother me all that much.

[fruitfulmomma]

Just remembered this... the ob who attended my 3rd birth brought her child when she was doing rounds the next morning. Not the same as having her there during birth,  but just to point out that it isn 't just midiwves who sometimes include their children in their work.

[Friday13th]

I find the range of responses and situations fascinating. I certainly get the "it takes a village" mentality of there being other people to hand a baby off to in case the midwife is needed but I would never have agreed to have an 8-10 month old at my birth. I couldn't even stand my own child being there, it was far too distracting and there wouldn't have been anyone to hand the baby off to. And at 8 or 10 months, my kid would be crawling after me, sobbing, if I had to suddenly put him down to handle anything and I feel like that would add a whole additional level of stress and chaos.  If she was proposing bringing a newborn who'd be sleeping in a sling and nursing, I'd be more likely to agree, although still hesitant but my kids were loud and mobile by that age.
 

[Youngfrankenstein]

Originally Posted by AlexisT 

This isn't about her role as a mother. This is about trying to perform 2 jobs at once. It is not about "being a mother." She's still a mother even if her child isn't there at the time. She can be a mother; she may not be able to perform childcare while doing another job. Men aren't generally allowed to bring their children with them to work either, so really, it's about parents and parenting, not mothers.

The client is paying for the midwife's time, and therefore, the client has the right to say that she wants the midwife's undivided attention. If the midwife doesn't want to provide that, it's up to her. But there's nothing wrong with the client for saying that's what she wants.

IMO, a baby is a distraction and given what's going on at a birth, the midwife needs to be sure she can focus 100% of her energy on the client if it comes to that.

I agree.  That is one of the reasons I hired a mw who's children were grown.  The other one I was considering had 7 children, 5 of them still living at home.  That really was a big factor in hiring the mw I did.

I get the whole "village" thing and I would have no problem more babies being around in general but I would want as much attention on my and my family as I could get from my providers.

[phathui5]

 A midwife is a professional just like an OB.

At least around here, the relationships midwives have with their clients is very different than if you are seeing an OB. We have hour long appointments for all the prenatals, we do social things together, sometimes there are kids around the office (I don't bring more than one at a time with me to work though). It's not at all like the distanced "professional" relationship one has with an OB.

[elus0814]

Originally Posted by phathui5 

At least around here, the relationships midwives have with their clients is very different than if you are seeing an OB. We have hour long appointments for all the prenatals, we do social things together, sometimes there are kids around the office (I don't bring more than one at a time with me to work though). It's not at all like the distanced "professional" relationship one has with an OB.

Things were different between me and my homebirth midwife compared to how it was with an ob but midwives are still medical professionals, being friends doesn't change that.

Phrased differently: It has nothing to do with a professional or unprofessional relationship. A midwife is a medical professional regardless if she goes to her patient's/client's birthday party or is cold and distant. A professional, in my book, does't bring a baby with them to work unless all other options have been exhausted.

I was friends with my midwife and would have been shocked if she allowed one of her assistants to even ask if they could bring their kid/kids to the birth. 

[philomom]

Originally Posted by elus0814 

Phrased differently: It has nothing to do with a professional or unprofessional relationship. A midwife is a medical professional regardless if she goes to her patient's/client's birthday party or is cold and distant. A professional, in my book, does't bring a baby with them to work unless all other options have been exhausted.

Thank you. Just like zinemama, you hit the nail on the head here.

[lovebeingamomma]

Originally Posted by Friday13th 

I find the range of responses and situations fascinating. I certainly get the "it takes a village" mentality of there being other people to hand a baby off to in case the midwife is needed but I would never have agreed to have an 8-10 month old at my birth. I couldn't even stand my own child being there, it was far too distracting and there wouldn't have been anyone to hand the baby off to. And at 8 or 10 months, my kid would be crawling after me, sobbing, if I had to suddenly put him down to handle anything and I feel like that would add a whole additional level of stress and chaos.  If she was proposing bringing a newborn who'd be sleeping in a sling and nursing, I'd be more likely to agree, although still hesitant but my kids were loud and mobile by that age.
 

yeah I laughed when I saw someone post that the baby had a 50% chance of being asleep...yeah, right!  My babies at that age were bouncing off the walls and would rarely fall asleep in public.  But even IF it were an infant, that still doesn't mean they wouldn't be awake and needing mommy's constant attention.

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Originally Posted by elus0814 

A professional, in my book, does't bring a baby with them to work unless all other options have been exhausted.

I, personally, would like to see that change! 

Originally Posted by lovebeingamomma 

yeah I laughed when I saw someone post that the baby had a 50% chance of being asleep...yeah, right! 

Well, that was me! :-)  I said that because babies that age normally sleep more than 12 hours/day. I also fall under the category of the "side" that assumes that this MW knows her child and thinks this could work, which means that her child likely sleeps pretty well in "public". I mean, the question isn't whether or not YOU should bring your baby to this birth.  

I think a lot of the difference of opinion on this thread may come from what each of us is interested in assuming. I assume that this MW thinks this is a good idea, that this choice will not interfere with her client's birth, that her parenting style fits with this scenario, that her child will be comfortable.  

[delfin]

I believe the birthplace is sacred and vulnerable, and that adrenalin is contagious. We do not want adrenalin at a birth, since its antagonic to oxitocin. For a birth to be peaceful, the mom has to be relaxed, away from logic, conected with the primitive part of herself. Its hard to know how is a baby going to interact with that. Its hard to know if the baby is going to be comfortable there, knowing his/her mom is busy, in a different house, different semlls, a women making noises, screaming. That could upset the baby, and upset the mother. Too many variables. The less people at a birth, the better.

[Tizzy]

The tone of this thread really shocks me (once again, what happened to MDC?!?).

Our children accompany us pretty much everywhere and it's amazing what we accomplish with them around and/or helping.

If someone asked if it was okay if they brought their child to my birth, I would actually consider it. Very hypocritcal of me to automatically say no and accuse them of being unprofessional as I am very pro-attachment parenting.