June 2012 Infertility One Thread- June Bugs Bring Spring Births - Page 6

[lilacvioletiris]

I made it through a baby shower today with a girl who was one of my students 4 years ago (she graduated from high school in 2007) and I saw another of her classmates (also a former student) who is also due to have a baby this July.  I didn't break down.  No one asked me when I am going to have a baby.  I think that helped me the most. 

I have been watching extreme makeover: weight loss edition - Jacqui is losing weight so she can get over PCOS and have kids.  She started out at 355 pounds.  The first hour of the show is over and it is amazing to see the transformation.  It reminds me just how focused I need to be to lose weight even though I am not as overweight as she was to begin with to get where I need to be. 

[Sourire]

Kristin - Welcome!

Deborah - unless you were planning to move to Quebec, IVF is just as expensive in Canada. I am lucky enough to live in the only province where it's free.

toothfairy - I'm going to see my RE next Tuesday so that's when I'll find out! Sorry to hear about the spotting but I'm glad your cycle has improved.

lilac - baby showers suck! You're so strong for making it through that!

AFM - went to the barbecue yesterday at my newly pregnant friend's house. I managed to talk to her about her pregnancy without getting emotional. I even talked about my infertility. I was so proud of myself! Then I came home and pretty much cried for the rest of the day.
Edited by Sourire - 6/11/12 at 6:22am

[deborahbgkelly]

Sourire- It was going to be Ontario, though I did briefly look into Universite Lavalle. My French is now very rusty, but at the time it was very good.

[BucketOfRain]

Lilac and sourie: good work on staying strong in tough situations...

My appointment today was a bit of a mess. I am cd 11 today, I had 2 follicles. on the left I have one that was 18mm and on the right one that was 15. Plus a few smaller ones that the doc said wouldn't get big enough. My uterine lining however was "very thin" but I don't know the exact measure. They did blood work th is morning which confirmed that my lh is indeed surging so ovulation is happening soon. So, The plan going forward for this month is : I started estradiol, 2mg 2x/day. Tomorrow morning I am supposed to give myself ovridel and wednesday I am going in for an iui. She can't do it tomorrow for some reason so gave orders to dtd tonight so there is some sperm in there before I ovulate, if I have not already.

This was not at all what I expected so I am feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all. She said that if this cycle doesn't work she does not recommend I do clomid again as I didn't respond all that well. I ovulate on my own so to only have 1, maybe 2 good follicles really stinks. Plus the impact on my lining. Anyway, next cycle she suggests injectibles...yikes!

[Sourire]

deborah - that is where I went to university

bucket - if clomid gives you lining problems, ask for Femara. It's much better! Though you'd probably only have 1-2 follicles on Femara as well. I find it very odd that they want you to take Ovidrel tomorrow if you're already surging. BDing tonight is good advice though!

[toothfairy2be]

Sourire & lilac- you'e both strong women to make the best of a tough situation. No woman should have to experience repeated heartache like this by constant exposure to others' success, we are a strong breed. Then feigning happiness on top of that just stinks.



Still just waiting for AF over here, Booooo.

[deportivo4]

I did end up going to the baby shower! I did choke down some tears. I did wince quite a few times, and almost wanted to poke my eyes out.

Very very difficult, I knew it would be. There is just no way to prepare yourself ever for how I am going to have to cope.

At one point she did announce how the doctor told her to just continue on getting pregnant. And that she could have as many kids as she wanted.

I couldn't help but think how ignorant that comment is. No one knows how many children they will be able to have. I once thought I could have a large family because I am from a large family and fertility seemed to be a given, but some women just do not have a choice whatsoever.

It sucked to hear some women blabber on stupidly! Even if I was pregnant, I would have found them to be ignorant. But some women are, and some women are very understanding. Some women never have to think about it ever!

So, the sting of jealousy is going to stick with me for a bit now. I am going to avoid the rest of her pregnancy.

Now more than ever though, I am finding that the biology of the child is not mattering to me as much as before. Even fostering a child would give me more of a purpose in life.

so I will see what I can do, and what I can't do.

After the shower, me DH, SIL, FIL,MIL and couple of their friends stayed to have dinner. MIL came outside with a child size life vest! I just guiltily felt a wave of jealousy at that moment. FIL announces, that's for the baby you know! Like duh. who else would it be for. I can't get that moment out of my mind. Itls like some comments just stick with me and hurt like hell.

I don't know how anyone does this, I don't know how I have been able to do this! Its awful, so awful. You just Bury that jealousy and pang in your heart so so deep down. I don't know how all this is going to end. I will never forget the pain not in a million years.

 

Married to DH ,forever missing (02/08)@ 8wks.,08/10)@ 8wks.,and(26/01/12)chemical pregnancy.Hopeing, praying and wishing for my first baby to be born healthy!

[Smilesarefree]

Sourire - Sorry you had to cancel your cycle but it sounds like if you do end up doing IVF you'll have lots of eggs! 

Deportive - I don't know what to say, sorry you are in so much pain, imagine we have all been there, I am thankful that the sting is not hurting me as much as it used to I guess that I am slowly getting used to it.

Deborah - I love Nova Scotia, I went to University there, hope you have a great trip!  Also hope that you get all of your pains figured out.

Sila - Sorry for the BFN, that bites.

Milk - Hi!  Always wondering about you.

Bucket - Welcome!

TF2B - Come on AF!

AFM - Had my HSG last week, that was uneventful.  Still have to do my day 22 progesterone to see if I ovulated this cycle and the way things are going I can pretty much guarantee that I will not have.  I have a follow up the first week of July to discuss all of my results and if it doesn't look like menopause then we will discuss what my next steps will be.  I keep feeling that my hot flashes are coming back but so far they haven't, I am terrified of them coming back  because that would just be another thing pointing towards menopause and because they are just so darn uncomfortable.

We need some BFP's around here, everytime I come here I hope to see some good news, if it can't be me then I want it to be one (all) of you.

[deborahbgkelly]

Smilesarefree- We love it too. My dad and I went in 2005 and are going back again, this time with DH. I'm pretty sure recent pains are O pains.  AFM-I had a positive OPK (it was pretty dark, but didn't match perfectly- however, I have no line now, so I am assuming the surge happened yesterday afternoon), I have a little spotting, but not sure if it is O spotting or irritation spotting. I think I O'ed last night, but can't be certain yet. If I did, then our timing was perfect as we had been DTD every day up until the day before yesterday and TCOYF says the day before ovulation is ideal time for intercourse.

[stretch358]

I'm currently in the MIA Section, but you can move me I got pregs and now have a 14 mo boy.  Conceived on my 4th IUI (2nd injectables cycle).  We are actually hoping to start trying for #2 this summer if my cycle comes back.  I will probably start off in the TTC while nursing thread, but I fully expect to end up back here at some point.

Wishing everyone on this thread the best.  I was ready to give up on assisted reproduction, but DH urged me to give it one more try, and we got lucky.
 

[deborahbgkelly]

Welcome back Stretch! Congrats on your little boy! Good luck conceiving #2.

[deborahbgkelly]

Welcome back Stretch! Congrats on your little boy! Good luck conceiving #2. Let me know what you'd like in your blurb.

[lilacvioletiris]

sourire, I was curious about which province does IVF for free - DH was from Ontario so I guess living there wouldn't have fixed the $$$ issue with IVF that we face.

deportivo, I am so sorry that the baby shower you attended caused you such pain. I find it hard when I am surrounding by those that are "happy" and my internal mind is playing a story they have no knowledge of that makes me so sad. I have to remember to tell myself the truth about the situation and recognize that others are not maliciously trying to hurt me, but are usually simply clueless about how what they do hurts me.  I remember you asking about finding a counselor and I hope you can find one where you can let the jealousy and hurt out.  We are here to encourage you and I hope good things happen for you soon.

AFM, the RE meeting went well today.  More testing for me - FSH since today is CD2 (yep AF showed up yesterday).  Thankfully it didn't come early otherwise I wouldn't have been able to get the CD2 FSH test done.  Yeah for some small things.  Dr. ordered karyotype testing and chromosome testing for my DH (which I think may give us more information about why he only has 25 sperm rather than 40 million or more).  DH and I got our blood drawn today after the RE appointment.

The doctor gave us promising visions of doing the IVF with ICSI.  He did encourage us to have DH's sperm frozen now so if for some reason the sperm disappear we at least have some genetic material from DH to use while we figure out when we will actually do the IVF with ICSI procedure.  $$$ is a determining factor in when we do IVF with ICSI.

[SimplyRochelle]

Sorry about the canceled cycle sourire! I am in awe at your commitment to your principles. I bet IVF will be a huge success for you!

Buckets- I hate that you didn't get the response you wanted from Clomid. It makes me wish my dr monitored my lining! Good luck with injectibles!

toothfairy....still waiting on AF? when will you test?

deportivo, take it easy on yourself these next few days. It could take a while to get past a night like that. 

deborah, crossing all appendages that you caught this egg!

Welcome back stretch, I recognize your name from when I was here forever ago too. 

lilac, I'm glad you're slowly getting things figured out and I hope that all the financial things that need to happen, fall into place quickly. 

AFM, I ended up taking my Clomid a day later than intended this month so I took 150mg on cd4-8. I'm on cd14 today but no where near positive opks. I have been having an insane amount of cramping, especially right after my run yesterday so I guess something it going on down there. My husband lost his job this week (no fault of his, just one of the things that happens when you care for people with dementia) so that's some added stress this month. I am working 4 different part time jobs right now and it's starting to get to me. I didn't sleep for over 36 hours on Saturday/Sunday because as soon as I went to bed Saturday night (after working at 2 of the part time jobs that day/night), I got called by a doula client to a birth. It was an awesome VBAC but I didn't get home until around 3:30pm on Sunday and I've been so exhausted since then that I can't fathom finding the energy for sex. Hopefully I can make that change tonight...like putting "PM" into my chart is going to magically make it happen. 

[Sourire]

deportivo - Wow that baby shower sounds tough. It was very generous of you to go because I know it was so hard for you. It must be such a relief that it's over now, I know this has been stressing you out for ages!

Smiles - Stay away hot flashes! I'm praying you get some positive results in July.

Deborah - Sounds like you got some great BDing in!

Stetch - how wonderful to hear a success story like yours! Best of luck with TTC #2.

lilac - I hope all these tests give you some answers!

Rochelle - thanks for the support. Sorry to hear about your husband losing his job.

AFM - wow things have not been going well with me.

I recently started hanging out on another infertility forum because a lot of people from my fertility clinic go there and it's interesting to compare notes with others who are doing the same protocols and seeing the same doctors. Well after I posted my decision about cancelling my cycle, I got a whole bunch of negative comments about what a stupid decision I had made. It really made me doubt my decision and it's stressing me out so much. Of course it's too late to go back and change my mind now. I understand that most people would have gone ahead with the IUI, but most people don't have the same feelings I do about twins/high order multiples/selective reduction, and also most people don't have access to free IVF with no risk of multiples (though all the people on that board do have that option). I've been feeling horrible about the whole thing.

I've also been feeling pretty bad physically with a lot of nausea, headaches, fatigue, dizziness and pain around my ovaries/uterus. I haven't ovulated yet so I guess most of my follies are still growing and making me feeling miserable. And I've been extra emotional too.

So yesterday I was kind of having a stressful day at work and still upset about the cancelled cycle and feeling like garbage in general, and I guess it was all just too overwhelming because I kind of lost contact with reality for a while. I was at the cafeteria eating lunch, and everything I looked at starting looking really strange... I'd be looking at a fork and it felt like I had never seen a fork before and it looked so odd, and when I saw people I couldn't understand why people have legs, and people's faces kept changing etc... and it got worse and worse until every single thing I saw looked bizarre and I got totally freaked out and I closed my eyes so I wouldn't see anything anymore and then I was too scared to open them so I couldn't leave the cafeteria. I stayed there for like an hour (my coworkers who were sitting with me apparently didn't give a shit and basically ignored me and then left without me) and finally I managed to leave and I went to see my therapist. She says that what I experienced is called derealisation (when everything seems unreal) and it is a form of anxiety attack. I really hope it doesn't happen again!

Man this is all so hard sometimes. I don't know how I'm going to manage to keep going.

[deborahbgkelly]

SimplyRochelle- Thanks. Also, that sounds rough. Hope you get a chance to rest after somehow finding energy to DTD. Thanks to you too Sourire.

Edited by deborahbgkelly - 6/13/12 at 11:43am

[monkeyscience]

shesaidboom - I know you're most likely not checking in right now, but... CONGRATS ON BEING MARRIED!!!!!! Hope you are having an awesome honeymoon. I'm glad the rain decided to stay away, and I can't wait to see more pics!

Sourire - Eek - that sounds awful about the panic attack! And about the cancelled cycle - tell other people they can suck it. Sorry, I really shouldn't be so crude, but it is a PERSONAL decision. Honestly, people are probably just jealous that you responded so well. Really, I'm kind of surprised you were even really given a choice in the matter. Considering that you had 4-5 follicles the doctors thought were in the definite possibility zone, going forward would seem like risking a lot more than twins, which is a lot riskier all around. And since you're uncomfortable with the risks of even twins, I can certainly see why you wouldn't want to take chances with even higher-order multiples. And others may feel differently, but I find it really, really hard to understand how anyone can be okay with selective reduction after going through so much effort to get pregnant. I hope I don't step on any toes saying that, but it really boggles my mind. Anyway, what I think about it doesn't matter, anyway. YOU weren't comfortable with going forward, and I assume your dh was with you in that decision. That's the two people whose feelings matter!

Cait - Hoping AF has somehow magically stayed away for you this time. Still hoping for that 6 months post-lap thing to work out for you!

Rochelle - Good to see you again! I remember you from BSLs, I think, and have wondered sometimes what happened to you. Sorry you're having such a crazy sleep-deprived time!

everyone else. Also... did someone say they were in the Houston area? I swear they did, but now I can't find it. If so, hi! Gem and I are both from the Houston area, too!

AFM, still trucking along. Lots of novel-length posts on the grads thread. Still hoping to see more people head that way from here. It's hard looking at the roster and seeing how few people are on it compared to the number of you wonderful ladies still trying. I want to fix it! I wish I had some magic baby dust for you all. For now, you have my cheers and my prayers!

[shesaidboom]

deportivo - that's nice that it happened naturally for them after IVF, but yeah, it's not "just stress". Do you think you could get your RE to give DH a bit of a reality check? Maybe explain why things can happen naturally like that after an IVF cycle?
I'm so sorry the baby shower was so hard. You are a gem for going and hanging through. It is so hard.

Sourire - I'm so sorry you and your RE are butting heads. I agree that selective reduction IS a big deal, especially for someone who knows it will be for them. What dose of Puregon are you on? I'm glad you got a second opinion!
Oh gosh, 6 follies now? I think I would have cancelled the cycle too, as hard as that is. Big hugs to you.
WHOA about that other fertility forum. People can be so awful! For what it's worth, I think you made the right decision for you and that is all that matters. I hope your therapist gave you some coping techniques in case any anxiety attacks come on again. It's little wonder you experienced one. You are going through so much right now.

Deborah - What happens if you make less than 4 follicles during an IVF cycle? They just cancel? My RE has said that if my test results were right I may only make one or two even with all the meds.
Day 11 was the earliest I've ever O'd and that was on a Puregon cycle.

SilaMarila - I'm thinking good things for you this cycle!

lilacvioletiris - Hurray for a longer LP, but ugh to the frustrations. Happy birthday to you! Also, congrats for making it through the baby shower. I know how very hard that is.

bucketofrain - I'm so sorry your cycle did not go as hoped. I hope you still get that BFP and don't need to worry about injectibles!

Cait - come on AF!

Smiles - I hope those hot flashes stay away! I agree that we are definitely due for some wonderful BFPs!

stretch - congrats on your wonderful news! I hope that #2 is much easier o conceive.

Rochelle - It sounds like you are going through a very stressful time right now. Big hugs to you. I hope things get easier soon.

monkey - thank you so much!

AFM, the wedding was incredible and I did have a great time. I barely focused on our missed deadline, so that was good. The only problem is now we're getting all those "when are you having babies??!" questions. It hasn't even been a week yet! Another issue is that people are posting wedding pictures so I've been checking facebook a lot and of course there are the usual "omg we're pregnant!" announcements. Two just yesterday. It always hurts, even if I am happy for people. I just want that to be me.

Another annoying thing, AF decided to show up yesterday. It's still a few days away from the honeymoon so the worst of it should be over by then, but I was hoping to get right into a cycle when we got back, and now we'll have to wait at least a few weeks. I know in the grand scheme of things that's nothing, but it is still frustrating.

Some good news is that I've lost 8 pounds over the wedding weekend and since, so hopefully that'll continue and we'll be in a better position when we do start IVF. I guess adding those extra few weeks because of AF may be a silver lining.

[Sourire]

Thanks so much for the support guys. You have no idea how much it helps me to hear these things from you all! I am feeling better already!

monkey - yes me and my DH made the decision to cancel the cycle together and he totally agreed with it. We both agree that if ever I get pregnant with 3 or more, I will do the selective reduction (because statistically that is the best thing for mother and babies), but if I ever had to do it I think I would be absolutely traumatized and need therapy for years just to get over it. I've read testimonials of people who did it and apparently the horror is even worse after the babies are born because you are thinking to yourself "omg it could have been one of these 2 live ones that I killed! and I probably would have loved the other ones as much as these!". So I want to make sure I'm never in that situation! I still stalk you regularly over on the grads thread!

shesaidboom - I was on the lowest possible dose of Puregon (50IU), and I only took it for 3 days, so I'm pretty flabbergasted by my reaction. I was also taking Femara though so maybe that has something to do with it. My therapist did give me some tips for future panic attacks, but I'm really hoping I don't need them.

I'm glad your wedding was nice. I hope you have happy memories of it for the rest of your life! I was getting the babies comments at my wedding. In fact my boss's boss actually said to me "I hope you don't have babies too soon because we can't afford to lose you". Which was sort of a compliment but also kind of rude because I was planning to start TTC immediately! I guess he must be happy that I ended up with IF :P Though I no longer work for him so I guess it's moot. Urg to facebook. Last weekend 2 of my ex-boyfriends posted newborn baby pics on the same day and they have the cutest babies ever... but I was like "seriously universe??? 2 in one day!!!!". Congrats on the amazing weight loss! Can I have your 8 pounds? lol

[deborahbgkelly]

Shesaidboom: They just would have converted to IUI for me. Day 11 is when I think I O'ed and this is only my 2nd full cycle since we lost the boys so it is only mildly whacky that it's not my normal pattern. My LP is usually 11 days, so to O before day 14 for me is rare. However, a 22 day cycle would be really short for me. Maybe I'll just have a longer LP which would also be okay.