Lately I feel my good, patient, loving and kind day-time parenting is completely cancelled out by my horrible night-parenting.
I feel like I completely shift from my normal self into some irritable monster of a mother at bed-time. It's not every night, though I'm finding this feeling to come on fairly frequently lately, and I come away from putting my sons to bed feeling guilt-ridden over how much I either lack compassion or just plain completely lose my cool. I come away from these bed times feeling so guilty for how I conduct myself. I talk myself down realizing I can just take a few minutes to breathe through it the next time and choose to be better. But often fatigue and the nasty sleep-deprived version of myself comes to the forefront and the next bed time may not be much better at all.
My boys are just over 10 months old now. I've been so fortunate they're big, strong and healthy, and have been from the get go. Which means I end up rocking, bopping, and desperately trying to get my 22 & 24 lb. boys to sleep. I'm tired. My biceps are tired.
I'm not into the CIO methods- I'm sure most involved with the Mothering community are not, and so my bedtime method involved me pretty much always nursing them to sleep. Now though, they're going through a phase of kicking up, not wanting to nurse, then becoming completely unsettled and unruly and I can't seem to calm them at all without picking them up and bopping them about. By this point, I can feel tension well up in my own body, I'm tired and want a break- I especially don't feel like having a baby attached to me- and I often end up just having to plunk one of them down a literally get away from them to go slam a door or have a little yell elsewhere to release what I'm feeling. So in the end, they end up stuck on their own to cry, which I was trying to avoid in the first place.
No doubt, others have felt this. No doubt, this is coming off a little rant-y, as I type this just moments after I finally got them off to bed. But can someone relate? I think I'd see a glimmer of hope in myself if I even had someone to say, "Yeah, that's me too". Sure, we're not really solving anything. But that whole misery loves company thing...
I'm off to my own bed myself now. Letting go of the sucking at bedtime guilt, and giving it a better go tomorrow. Here's hoping.
Edited by AndreaJay - 5/29/12 at 6:03pm