Losing it « Back to Group Discussions

[KM84]

I'm getting pretty close to my breaking point. DD doesn't sleep. She's up all night fussing, up all morning fussing, fusses all evening, and when she does finally go to sleep it's for maybe two hours. She'll wake up suddenly and start screaming. My husband is back to work, and I'm not getting any sleep.

My husband's grandmother is here helping out while he's at work, and I'm glad to have her, but I can't totally relax when she's in charge. I went up for a nap (which didn't work, I have never been able to nap during the day and still can't) and when I came down grandma had put DD to sleep on her stomach. I realize that one stomach nap is probably not the end of the world, but the principal of the thing upsets me.

I already cracked and broke out the pacifiers, even though I hate them and think they're gross. But at some point I need my boobs/pinky to myself to sleep and this baby has an intense need to suck.

I wanted to wait until 4 weeks to introduce a bottle (for expressed milk), but I'm so tired... if I don't get some rest I'm going to crack. And I think a nipple-confused baby with a loving mom is better off than a ebf baby with a completely cracked-out nutjob mom. She's two weeks now. I'm hoping if we lay some ground rules for bottle feeding we can keep her nursing too.

I'm so tired of people telling me to go take a nap, because I can't. I just lay in bed staring at the ceiling. I've finally started going up and just laying there for an hour or two to get people off my back.

I know I should call the doctor but my husband is out of town on business today and I am much too tired to safely drive a car. And I"m not sure I can handle a trip to the doctor with grandma.

I'm just so tired... :(

[H Jane]

I'm so sorry you're having a hard time.  My in-laws were visiting at 2 weeks also, so I know what you mean about not being able to relax.  The LC at our hospital gave us a manual pump and bottles (we went back at day 4 b/c my nipples hurst so bad I was screaming when she latched on).  Before that I thought there was no way I would give her a bottle, even of my own milk, but sometimes sanity matters more!

Basically we only pumped and immediately gave it to her at the times when I was just crying from pain/exhaustion.  This was about once a day (usually during the night) for a week.  I really just had to tell myself it was ok and "let go" of what I thought I *should* be doing.  Now at 4.5 weeks she's doing great and things have really turned around.  I say give yourself permission to let go, and take care of yourself first.  It definitely will get better.

[Just1More]

*hugs*

It's still very, very early.  And your body is still worn out from all that hard pregnancy work, and now nursing work.  It takes a big toll on a person, and it's very good to realize that and be gentle with yourself.

And, it's also very good you recognize that you are tired.  I know that sounds silly, but I've been so sleep-deprived before that I didn't realize that's what was wrong.  My body just got into this "go" mode, and I couldn't nap, nor sleep at night.  It was horrid, and I couldn't even see that was my problem.

So, firstly, try to address that.  An exhausted Mama just can't think straight.  That's coming from somone who is sleeping about 4-5 broken hours a night, and taking care of a newborn, a boy with a broken leg, and 3 other children 7 and under for 10 hours a day.  I'm tanked.  But, the difference this time is that I am totally willing to let it all slide.  Our living room has been turned into little kid central.  There's basically nothing in here except couches and toys.  The kitchen is full of food that dh picked up and is super easy, so easy that dd1 can make it if I need her to.  In the middle of the night when the baby is up (still!?!? again?!?!), I just wander into the other end of the house so we don't wake up everyone, and flip on a movie.  I deal with all the screaming and such, then plop in the rocking chair until I'm sure she's gtg.  Then we wander back to bed. Repeat if necessary. 

In the morning, I am doing as minimal as I can.  Dh is picking up the slack for me in the evenings.  It's just so critical to rest and heal up.  This will pass.  It's hard, and totally draining, but it will pass.

However, for the screaming...can you figure out maybe what's going on?  I've had a few with a touch of dairy sensitivity in the early days, and one with a full blown wheat issue.  Also, oversupply can cause issues.  Block feeding is essential in that case.  A good look at poo habits can often clue you in on what may be going on, if her fussing is digestive. 

But, mostly, just do your best to roll with it.  Look at it like a marathon, and pace yourself.  Snack all day, don't stand when you can sit, don't sit when you can lie down.  Conserve your energy, and boost it by snacks and vitamins as best you can.  By the time you have figured it out, it will be something new, so just do your best to relax into it. 

I know that sounds nuts, but it really is coming from some one who had a baby that screamed for about 9 hours a day until he was two.  It started with food issues, and turned into sensory issues.  When I finally hit that magic combo for him, it was amazing.  Living with Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde is hard.  But, lots of Mama's do it.  And you can, too.  (And, that little person is worth it.  He's the most awesome little boy now.) *hug*

[Mami_Feliz]

I felt that way with DS1 - he fed constantly and never seemed to sleep for more than two hours at a stretch. I was completely exhausted and had some pretty bad moments, particularly in the middle of the night. Looking back, I wish I had asked for more help before getting so, so exhausted. Do you have a good friend that you really trust who can come by to help out while you at least have a little time to yourself?

Anyway, just sending you a hug, and some reassurance that this phase won't last long. It really does get much better and much easier very quickly.

[cookie_]

Even the "easiest" of newborn babies are tough and exhausting, so when your baby is a little more challenging, it doesn't take long to reach that feeling of complete and utter exhaustion. I had this with my first, and I remember how traumatic it was. try not to freak out about the pacifiers. Just because you give one right now doesn't mean you'll have a 4 year old running around with one in her mouth! Try not to freak out about giving her a bottle of expressed milk. I had to pump 85% of the time the first 6 weeks with my first because of latch/damaged nipple issues, but was able to transition back pretty smoothly to mostly breast once things got worked out (nursed for almost year and half after that). In fact, at this point, letting your husband handle at least one overnight feed with a bottle so you can sleep (esp since it's so hard for you to nap during the day) for a few uninterrupted hours might help save your sanity a bit. I know the feeling of "he has to work during the day so he needs his sleep, I am home so I should be able to handle this by myself" might pop up, but erase this thought from your mind. If you're exhausted, you won't be able to properly care for yourself or your baby. I didn't do this the first time around, and I spent the first 8 months in a state of exhaustion and mental duress.

As far as the baby's overnight issues go, have you noticed any symptoms of silent reflux? There are a lot of reasons she could be fussing, but this is one that isn't always recognized. It will definitely cause fussiness, inability to sleep and sudden wake ups with screaming. http://www.pollywogbaby.com/refluxandcolic/silent-reflux-infant.html  Our solution to it was feed baby, keep him upright for 30 minutes after (either he slept on my chest, I put him in the ring sling tummy to tummy hold, or sometimes I put him in the bouncy seat if I needed to be truly hands free for a while), then if needed (depending on what kind of sleeping arrangements you do), transfer baby to co-sleeper/bassinet/whatever that had the mattress slightly inclined. He got the hiccups a lot and the pacifier helped him work those out, esp since my nipples were too damaged/I was too tired to let him soothe himself on me constantly. You could also try a little gripe water, which might help with any gassiness/tummy bubbles that are causing her pain or discomfort.

I don't know if any of that will help, but it's worth a shot. At any rate, I hope you can get some much-deserved rest really soon!

[Astraia]

I'm saying reflux or food intolerance or something like that as well.

DD was like that- never sleeping for more than an hour or two at the most, never napping during the day for more than 20 minutes, screaming- always screaming. Waking up from a dead sleep to scream inconsolably. I had no idea what was going on, and when we talked to a doctor (twice) we were told, "well, baby's cry." It wasn't until she was 2 that we realized she has a dairy intolerance, and started complaining frequently that her tummy was hurting. She definitely had reflux symptoms as well, and having had reflux for the first time ever this pregnancy, I can say for sure, that shit hurts. Add into that oversupply and overactive let down and then a sudden drop in supply when I was surprised with another pregnancy when she was 5 months old... ugh, those first few months were not so good.

I also second getting your husband on night duty, if you can. If you're able to express milk and she'll take the bottle then go for it- assuming it helps. If you'll just lay in bed listening to a fussy baby and thinking, "I should be out there" then you're not any further ahead. I can't nap either, so I know how annoying it is when people say things like "just sleep when the baby sleeps." 

Sleep deprivation can do BONKERS things to your head. I've been in the same place as just1 where I'm so sleep deprived I don't know I'm sleep deprived. I remember driving somewhere once and getting distracted/entranced by the rain drops on the windshield and forgetting I was driving- scary! I've also been so sleep deprived that I was convinced at one point that my daughter was trying to kill me- somewhere in the dark at 4 am after 3-4 hours of straight crying, I started thinking she was some kind of demon. I had to turn on the lights and look at her for awhile so I could convince myself it wasn't true. I hit some serious burnout.

If you need to take a cab to the doctor or you need your husband to take a day off work and take you and the baby to the doctor then you should do it. Admittedly some babies are just rotten sleepers and there are no health or food issues causing the problem- but if there's something you can be doing now to make a difference, then do it. A pacifier is nowhere near as big a deal as a burned out, exhausted mom. Mommy burn out is pretty terrible.

I also let my second belly sleep- but only during the day, only in the bassinet right beside me where I was positive it was a firm mattress, nothing in his face. It made the difference between 10 minute naps and 2 hour naps. As stupid as it is, overtired babies don't sleep well either :/

[Sky]

Originally Posted by cookie_ 

Even the "easiest" of newborn babies are tough and exhausting, so when your baby is a little more challenging, it doesn't take long to reach that feeling of complete and utter exhaustion. I had this with my first, and I remember how traumatic it was. try not to freak out about the pacifiers. Just because you give one right now doesn't mean you'll have a 4 year old running around with one in her mouth! Try not to freak out about giving her a bottle of expressed milk.You could also try a little gripe water, which might help with any gassiness/tummy bubbles that are causing her pain or discomfort.

This and I had to pump for Sång  for 4 whole weeks while she was in the NICU I could not be there every feeding! talk about stress, Once I knew she was OK from being born 10 weeks early, I was so scared and worried that she would only take a bottle and never nurse form me as our older two kids were EBF and weaned at age 4! Sång  had to have bottles because she had to eat and there was no way I could be in the NICU 24/7.  I pumped and pumped and pumped and fed her in the NICU at least 2 to 4 feedings a day! then when she came home I did what the LCs call triple feed (first nurse her then give a bottle then pump) at every feeding as I was determined to EBF.... YIKES it was exhausting at every feeding for like a week strait, but after that she was full time EBF I do Pump now but just to keep a small stash for when I go to the gym or now and then the store etc. without her. I know how it feels to be absolutly tired (hugs) it does get better. I think its a good idea to talk to DH and your doc though., It could just be gassiness like colic and gripe water does wonders you might want to try it and see, hugs.

[MeredithA]

((Hugs!!))

Everyone has given such great advice. I second (third, fourth!) going easy on yourself, relaxing about the pacifier, and getting DH to help with night feedings.

I wanted to add that Deacon fusses & seems to have bad gas at times and I let him sleep on his tummy for naps. I'll even let him tummy sleep at night if he seems more comfortable that way. I got the Angel Care monitor for his bassinet - it sounds an alarm if baby stops breathing - so it makes me more comfortable about allowing tummy sleeping. It can really make a difference in how long he sleeps.

[forestmushroom]

Do you have a copy of Happiest Baby on the block?  Has great suggestions for soothing a fussy baby... my guy seems to sleep better when it is a bit noisy and not too quiet.

also, it may help to learn to nap during the day.  Even a 15 minute nap can do wonders! drinking camomile tea, reading for a bit.  Or if you can't sleep, take a brisk walk around the block and get some fresh air and away from baby with grandma there... that can be quite refreshing!  I hate to say this, but learning to deal with baby waking a lot is a necessity since it can last awhile...

I will also put a fussy baby on his/her tummy for a nap during the day... never at night, but would during the day for a nap. 

My DD had dairy/Soy intolerance and it caused fussiness, sever diaper rash that couldn't be cured by anything, even not wearing diapers... and eventually had colitis. Cutting out dairy and soy made everything better and she slept much better. 

[KM84]

Thanks for the suggestions everyone! DD finally slept last night!  Now I'm just tired, not insane! She got one 4-hour stretch and a couple 1-2 hour stretches. She's like a totally different baby today. She's been up sitting quietly with her great-grandmother for about an hour.

My mother-in-law came over so I could nap until my husband got home at midnight, and he took care of her until 4am. We watched the Happiest Baby movie :) It helped, though what they don't explain is how to set your baby down afterwards and have them *stay asleep* I'm still not stoked about plugging her up with a pacifier, but it's the difference between her sleeping for 1/2 hour and 2+ hours, so I guess I have to let it go.

I cut out obvious sources of dairy 2 days ago, I'm not going as far as to read every label (or pass up cake) but I got almond milk for my cereal and have been skipping the cheese. 

I'm enjoying my cuddly happy baby today, hopefully we'll have more nights like last night and fewer like the first half of the week. :/

[MeredithA]

KM that is wonderful news! So glad she slept and is in a good mood today! :-)

[cristeen]

I'm so glad you got some sleep.

The one thing I was going to ask is whether you've had her weight checked.  I dealt with the extreme fussiness with DS until he was almost 3 weeks old, never realizing that the issue was he wasn't getting enough food.  Once we weighed him and realized he wasn't gaining, and got the problem "resolved", he was a totally different baby. 

But, some babies just don't tolerate being put down to sleep for a while.  If you don't have a Moby or a sling, I highly recommend it, since that will at least allow you to have your hands to yourself while baby sleeps. 

[alittlesandy]

KM, just wanted to offer hugs and sympathy. Hang in there, it's gets so much easier after 2-3 months, which I know sounds like a long time, but it flies by.

Happiest Baby was a lifesaver when I had my son. Remember, the swaddle has to be tight and the shushing has to be loud.Aria loves the swaddle but I can't get her to take a pacifier. Don't beat yourself up about the pacifier! You have to do what works and what keeps you sane.

I agree with the posters who say to let everything else go (housework, being social, etc). It really helps my mindset when I don't expect myself to get dressed, cook, clean, or get anything done. It also helps me to completely ignore the clock.

[KM84]

The moby has been a total lifesaver, it's the only way my husband could get anything done. When even that wouldn't calm her down, that's when I started thinking something was really wrong. But whatever it was has seemingly passed (fingers crossed), today I have this amazingly adorable baby who is alternately alert and peaceful / asleep. I don't know who snuck in last night and swapped out my little monster for this angel, but I'll take it.

I'll keep in mind to check her weight. I've been using a postage scale, and so far she's gaining like she's entered a hot-dog eating competition or something. She's well over a pound above her birth weight.

The biggest changes I've made that seem to have immediate effect is block nursing (she can nurse as often as she likes, but only gets a fresh boob every two hours) and feeding her in a more upright position. It looks silly, with me lying on my side and holding her in a kneeling position at my boob, but she doesn't spit up nearly as much. We managed to go an entire day without an "exorcist puke." Is it sad that I now consider that a major victory in my life?

[alittlesandy]

Originally Posted by KM84 

The moby has been a total lifesaver, it's the only way my husband could get anything done. When even that wouldn't calm her down, that's when I started thinking something was really wrong. But whatever it was has seemingly passed (fingers crossed), today I have this amazingly adorable baby who is alternately alert and peaceful / asleep. I don't know who snuck in last night and swapped out my little monster for this angel, but I'll take it.

I'll keep in mind to check her weight. I've been using a postage scale, and so far she's gaining like she's entered a hot-dog eating competition or something. She's well over a pound above her birth weight.

The biggest changes I've made that seem to have immediate effect is block nursing (she can nurse as often as she likes, but only gets a fresh boob every two hours) and feeding her in a more upright position. It looks silly, with me lying on my side and holding her in a kneeling position at my boob, but she doesn't spit up nearly as much. We managed to go an entire day without an "exorcist puke." Is it sad that I now consider that a major victory in my life?

Lol, I love your comment about entering a hot-dog eating competition. That's Aria!

Block feeding has been a life-saver for us. It cut down on her gas and fussiness so much that I'm rethinking going on an elimination diet.

Major victories? Today mine was extricating a large booger from three-year-old DS's nose. Welcome to motherhood! :)