June Chit Chat - Page 4 « Back to Group Discussions

[jbk21]

I hope you are feeling okay today, Christina.  

We are all sick here.  Dylan has his first real illness.  He has gotten the sniffles a couple of times while his older brother had a cold, but this time Dylan is truly sick and it is affecting his sleep and nursing.  It is the saddest thing.  I am sick too, and I am thankful for that since now he'll get all the antibodies!  Here's hoping we're all better soon.

[Jaimee]

Sorry you're all sick, J!  No fun at all.  I hope you feel better soon!

Christina, how are things going today?

[LunaLady]

Things are better today. I did end up talking more to my DH last night. Not necessarily about ME, really, more about us and life in general. I feel like I really need a change. A big change. An uprooting. I want to sell everything and move to the South of France. Or buy an RV like Abra and travel the country. I feel like I have very little to change about my day to day life to help myself feel better (I don't want to get a job, or put R in daycare or the like) and so changing EVERYTHING seems like it would create a 'reset'.

But, who's to say I wouldn't just be bringing my sucky attitude to the South of France???? 

Edited by LunaLady - 6/25/12 at 10:43pm

[birdhappy85]

I totally daydream about those kinds of things too, Christina. I specifically always wanted to move to a foreign country. Preferably a Scandinavian one. They're my fave and give me a feeling of "home". Must be in my blood. At this point I'd settle for just moving anywhere else that gives me an excited feeling of change. I get so annoyed with the same ole same ole. When I was a little kid, I always moved around the furniture in my bedroom regularly because it made me feel better and excited me. I'm sure my family thought I was weird. lol. I just love that stuff. Unfortunately my DH is so different from me and has no interest in uprooting or cutting out anything from our lives. *sigh* But at least he's on board with my 5-year plan to move further out and get a bunch of land so I can have goats and chickens. 

Okay that daydreaming was super fun. I think we should start a "dreams" thread! I know I forget to think about my goals and dreams as much as I should. I still haven't made a dreamboard that I've been talking about doing for years. These dreams won't manifest themselves, will they! 

Abra, will you still have access to the internet while on the road? Several of us will be living vicariously through you! 

[birdhappy85]

Gah, I meant to start my post by saying I'm glad you're feeling better today, Christina! That was crappy of me! 

[Jaimee]

Originally Posted by birdhappy85 

Abra, will you still have access to the internet while on the road? Several of us will be living vicariously through you! 

I think so b/c she's asking for new names for her blog as she tells us of her adventures in the bus!

[jbk21]

Christina, I believe that you are going to feel a lot better someday soon.  It is possible.  Trust me.

I'm going to be really clear and reasonable because one day (soon) you are going to look back and realize I don't say this to hurt you.  I am not trying to hurt you, trust me.  I am saying all of this in love. 

You need therapy.  Possibly even medication.   You don't need to move.  You don't need a change.  You need help.  Those feelings are quite likely a manifestation of the problem.  I understand the drastic searching for solutions.  I have tried it all.  "If I just.... If I could do this differently.... If I make this choice..... If my husband would just......." 

Those might all work for a little bit.  I'm sure you've been testing out different solutions over the past 8 months.  I would venture to guess that's the case because you have come back to the DDC on at least 4 separate occasions telling us how you feel hopeless, you hate life, you hate being a parent.... but then you always come back and apologize for "complaining"- everything is "better" now, etc.  

Girl, that cycle is only going to stop if you get help.  You don't need to have discussions with your husband about moving to France.  You need to have discussions with your husband about the fact that you are having suicidal thoughts.  

You have a child and you can't change that fact now.  One day (SOON!) you will enjoy your life as a mother and discover an all-consuming love for your son.  You can't do that on your own.  This is not an attitude that just needs to be adjusted.  This is a real mental health issue that requires a professional.  Period.

I am concerned about you and Rhyko.  I can't overstate this.  Please, make some calls, have your husband call, let ME call FOR you.  I'm begging you.

[MrsKatie]

I have to echo what J said.  Please read it carefully and take it to heart.  It is pure truth.

Christina, the solution is not an "uprooting."  I get the allure of that fantasy - I really, deeply do.  But it is just one more mental escape and it is not the answer.  Your thinking is skewed by severe depression.  It is dangerous to make major life changes when your thinking is skewed.  You need to stabilize and feel better FIRST, and the major life changes FOLLOW.  Please, please believe us here.  I promise you that making decisions under the influence of mental illness is a guaranteed recipe for disaster.  We love you and want you to feel better - please talk to a professional about this, ok?

And KEEP TALKING TO US!

[KayPea]

Christina, I am so glad that there are friends on the board who care enough to tell you tough things, and who genuinely want to help you. Will you do us all a favour? Check in often, and let us know you are still out there, still fighting. We are all so worried about you.

I just want to relate two experiences of mine that I'm hoping will help impress upon you how serious it is to be having suicidal thoughts. The first is a friend's - she was feeling suicidal after having her son, and her husband took her to the emergency with their 7 week old in the middle of the night.  Not "let's see how you feel in the morning" but "you need help immediately." The other is my own - my therapist and nurse practitioner, when working with me on my PPD/A after DD, would ask me twice during each session if I was having thoughts of harming myself or the baby, once at the beginning and once at the end, and at the end of each appointment they both passed me a paper with the number of the crisis line should I be feeling like that, and I was to call it immediately, day or night. I was given dozens of these pieces of paper, it was so so important to them that I act IMMEDIATELY on suicidal thoughts.

It is literally life and death.

Tell someone that you have thought about killing yourself. Please. Anyone. 

[TalkToMeNow]

I also agree with J and Katie, Christina. I have felt the same way as you do. But your issue isn't a sucky attitude. You can't run away from your problems. It just doesn't work. If you are depressed, you will be depressed anywhere. You need to feel better regardless of where you are.  

[jbk21]

One more thing I just thought- have you struggled with depression in the past?  Are you familiar with the symptoms?  Do you know that people who are depressed might not always feel down, but have ups and downs?  I wasn't aware of that, so on my good days I was always like "Oh see!  I'm fine!"  But that is not the case.  I'm so glad I don't "bottom out" anymore.  I want that for you.  We all struggle with things, we all have hard days, but it doesn't have to be SO HARD.  It doesn't have to feel SO awful.  You can feel WORLDS better, you really can.  But you can't do it alone.  

Ditto to Kaypea.  Please check in with us. 

[KayPea]

So many things going on in the Chit Chat right now! I can't keep up. 

Abra, I'm excited about your bus, and I'll be interested in how it works with the other family too. 

AFM, we've been really involved in a big change as well. We're in the process of joining a cohousing community, along with another family, that is part of an ecovillage. 

http://www.yarrowecovillage.ca/

We'll be cohousing within cohousing with this family!  Between our two families we have 5 children 3 and under. It's an amazing place - village life on the farm, town and country, walkable, sustainable live-work. Amazing. The cohousing community is sandwiched between the 20-acre organic farm and the future "town square" which will be commercial. It is also in the existing town of Yarrow, which already has a grocery store, bank, deli, hardware store, etc, but is really just a little street in the middle of a bunch of farms. It's 10 minutes from a larger town though, and an hour from Vancouver. Our unit isn't built yet, and likely won't be done until next year, but we've been attending community meetings and work parties in the lead up to making it official. 

And also meal-sharing and co-parenting with our other family already, of course. 

It seems that change is in the air for lots of people. I've heard that 2012 is supposed to be a year of change. 

[birdhappy85]

That community/ecovillage sounds awesome, KayPea! I'm so happy for you. And 2012 is a year of change, eh? I wonder what's in store!

Christina, the other ladies are spot on, it is so so important that you seek professional help and don't shrug anything off as just a bad day or bad attitude. Please share your feelings with your husband. He loves you so much and I know he would be there for you. It's okay to break down and fall apart, whatever it takes to utter the words "I'm having suicidal thoughts sometimes" to him or someone else IRL. Even if you aren't feeling it at this very moment, the thoughts still come and go and no doubt torture you when they're present. You deserve to feel better!  And you can!

[jbk21]

Sorry I just thought of something else- Joanie's words reminded me that I had to write it out for my husband.  I couldn't say it.  I wrote on a piece of paper "I think I have postpartum anxiety" and he has been my biggest support.  

[CDsMom1031]

Christina, I'm sorry you are having tough times. I wish I could add more but everyone else has already said anything I would have. All I can offer you are some internet hugs.

Edited by CDsMom1031 - 6/3/12 at 9:05pm

[birdhappy85]

Originally Posted by CDsMom1031 

Why do I have baby fever right now?

.................... I'm so crazy. I barely see my son as it is.

Must resist temptation. Keep the eye on the prize... VBAC!

You are not alone, sista. I wish there was a magic pill to take away any urge of procreation I'd ever have again. I bet I'd be a much happier and productive person. Ha!

[MrsKatie]

Christina, the other ladies are spot on, it is so so important that you seek professional help and don't shrug anything off as just a bad day or bad attitude. Please share your feelings with your husband. He loves you so much and I know he would be there for you. It's okay to break down and fall apart, whatever it takes to utter the words "I'm having suicidal thoughts sometimes" to him or someone else IRL. Even if you aren't feeling it at this very moment, the thoughts still come and go and no doubt torture you when they're present. You deserve to feel better!  And you can!

Sorry I just thought of something else- Joanie's words reminded me that I had to write it out for my husband.  I couldn't say it.  I wrote on a piece of paper "I think I have postpartum anxiety" and he has been my biggest support.  

YES and YES.  There were times I felt so ashamed that I couldn't look at DH while I was admitting some of my feelings.  I'd cover my face with a pillow or something while I told him.  He was always so much more tender and compassionate than I'd given him credit for.

[Abraisme]

I just spent so much time reading, that I ran out of time to type much!  

Yes, we will have internet, it's very important to us.  I plan on keeping a blog or at least a dedicated Facebook page.   My sister, her partner and 3yo will be joining us as well.  We are modifying the bus with bunks for the kids and 2 queen beds for the adults.  We will also likely have kids/adults sleeping in a tent too as the weather permits.  We intend to spend a lot of time outside!  

Christina, you've gotten some great advice here, I really hope you'll take it to heart.

[Becky Wheeler]

I honestly think a change would get you out of the slump you're in, ya know?

[Becky Wheeler]

Originally Posted by Abraisme 

I just spent so much time reading, that I ran out of time to type much!  

Yes, we will have internet, it's very important to us.  I plan on keeping a blog or at least a dedicated Facebook page.   My sister, her partner and 3yo will be joining us as well.  We are modifying the bus with bunks for the kids and 2 queen beds for the adults.  We will also likely have kids/adults sleeping in a tent too as the weather permits.  We intend to spend a lot of time outside!  

Christina, you've gotten some great advice here, I really hope you'll take it to heart.

I am just in AWE of what you're doing. This is so cool, and like Joanie said, we'll all be vicariously living through you. LOL