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Not including my MIL

post #1 of 27
Thread Starter 

My MIL is a pain in the...ya know.. and I've had her present at two labors, and just wanted to punch her in the face(to put it lightly). She's just beyond annoying when I'm not pregnant and in labor, add on the intensity when I -am-.  I do NOT want her there for our homebirth, but DH is mad that I don't. As I see it the people I want present are: myself, DH, midwife and her assistant, doula, and the kids. MAYBE my best friend if I feel the kids need someone to distract them, but I'm hoping for another middle of the night birth or the neighbors(we're close friends and right across the hall) to take them if need be. I don't want to call ANYONE, not just my MIL until a few hours after the birth. Is this being selfish? 

post #2 of 27

no it's not.

post #3 of 27

Youre not being selfish at ALL - i sooo wish i had been so selfish.  My MIL wasnt here for the birth - but as my DH said "my parents would like to come and see the baby as soon as its born."  ok, sounds reasonable .....both parents, Grandma, TWO brothers AND a family friend  all piled into my living room ....there were so many people i didnt even get a chair!  My DH was busy getting everyone drinks - AND they didnt leave for close to 3 hours!  As if that wasnt bad enough, tehy came back and did it again the NEXT night!!   Frankly, i think it impeded breastfeeding a little! 

give yourself 24 hours before sending out the invites - not selfish AT ALL!

post #4 of 27
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by motherhendoula View Post

Youre not being selfish at ALL - i sooo wish i had been so selfish.  My MIL wasnt here for the birth - but as my DH said "my parents would like to come and see the baby as soon as its born."  ok, sounds reasonable .....both parents, Grandma, TWO brothers AND a family friend  all piled into my living room ....there were so many people i didnt even get a chair!  My DH was busy getting everyone drinks - AND they didnt leave for close to 3 hours!  As if that wasnt bad enough, tehy came back and did it again the NEXT night!!   Frankly, i think it impeded breastfeeding a little! 

give yourself 24 hours before sending out the invites - not selfish AT ALL!

Oh no, that's awful!

Unfortunately, at the very least DH will inform his mom the baby was born within a few hours, regardless if we say come or not, she'll show up *sigh*. I'm rooting for a middle of the night birth where we go to sleep right after for the day :)

post #5 of 27
How selfish of you...wanting to get to choose who is in the house when you push a baby out that you carried in your body for the past nine months.
post #6 of 27

You shouldn't feel bad at all. I didn't want anyone at our birth other than dh, my midwife and her assistant. I waited so long to call the midwife that I ended up with just dh and that was way better than having a bunch of people there.

post #7 of 27

Absolutely not selfish at all.  My birth will be hubby, doula, and OB/nurse.  My mom didn't take it well that she wouldn't be in the room, as she felt it was her right since she wasn't at my wedding (we eloped... NO ONE was at our wedding).  I love my mom, but she can be very overbearing and bullheaded when she wants her way, which I do NOT want to deal with when I'm in labor.

 

Your body, your birth, your choice.

post #8 of 27

Not even a little bit. It's paramount that you feel comfortable during your labor and birth. It's not a social gathering, it's not a party, and it's not about anyone else but you and your ability to pass your child through your body and into your arms. If anyone is being selfish it's your husband and MIL. Maybe your MW can have a chat with the two of you on the importance and sacredness of your birth space? 

My MIL lives 3 hours away and likes to show up, hold my newborn when I should be bonding and nursing and sleeping and then have nothing to do with him/her from then on out. She doesn't watch the kids so her son and I can rest, wash a dish, ask how she can help, make a meal, nothing. It's about her experience with her freshborn grandchild and nothing more. That won't be happening next time. She can wait a week to put forth her one and only effort to see this next babe. This will cause a fight, I'm sure. Too bad.  

post #9 of 27

I feel you .. my MIL is not THAT annoying but she has been at all 3 of my births..  with #3 (my first homebirth) i decided at the last min (well, last month) that i really didn't want her to come, but DH just didn't understand .. I just wanted to not call her and he 'couldn't do that to her'  - he waited til i was in labor and then called, next time, we're waiting longer .. she did stay out of my way/sight more in my homebirth than my hospital births though.. and she didn't talk .. which was nice.
 

post #10 of 27

My mom was really pissed that I didn't want her at my son's birth (she is SUPER high maintenance, and I just couldn't handle it). It ended up just being me, husband, and midwife (at home). I can't even imagine my MIL wanting to be there--and I adore her!

 

If your husband has a hard time understanding, tell him to try imagining having YOUR mom watch him poop. Yeah. Just think about that for a second. Or either mom watching you have sex. In my opinion, having a baby is somewhere between those two experiences in terms of the amount of privacy you might need.

post #11 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by nilatti View Post
If your husband has a hard time understanding, tell him to try imagining having YOUR mom watch him poop. Yeah. Just think about that for a second. Or either mom watching you have sex. In my opinion, having a baby is somewhere between those two experiences in terms of the amount of privacy you might need.

This exactly!  I don't really understand why she would really feel it was necessary to be there.  I have never thought I needed to be at anyones birth other than my children's :)  i find it really odd that HE would care so much?  His focus should be on you and you only- not his mom- that is weird.  Anyway- I will have DH, our MW, her apprentice, and perhaps one of our family friends- who is insanely perfect and would be a pleasure to have around :)  I also wouldn't be shy about wanting visits to be super quick.  With our last baby- our first home birth- I stayed in my nightgown sprawled on the couch and didn't get up or give up the baby until it was my idea.  I think DS bf for almost all of every visit.  Which is they job of the baby and you :)

post #12 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by nilatti View Post

If your husband has a hard time understanding, tell him to try imagining having YOUR mom watch him poop. Yeah. Just think about that for a second. Or either mom watching you have sex. In my opinion, having a baby is somewhere between those two experiences in terms of the amount of privacy you might need.

When my SO mentioned a bunch of his friends coming over for my last labour and birth he didn't understand, no matter how I phrased it, my need for a private environment. He said everyone he knows has a party environment and they all bond. He thought I was weird. Regardless, he never mentioned it again and respected my wishes. Hopefully the OPs partner is more understanding redface.gif

post #13 of 27

Ask you MW to help -- she may well be able to "prescribe" some alone time with you and your baby. 

post #14 of 27

As a partner, and the the birthing person in the relationship, I have to agree that your DH is being unreasonable and it should be your choice in who attends your birth.

BUT, also as the partner, I know that I am super nervous about my ability to be a good support partner for my wife during her labour and the birth. It causes me anxiety. Part of me wishes that I had someone there to help in that process.

For our last child, a good friend of ours was there and amazing help. (plus the MW's). I was very thankful.

My wife is going to have twins, in the winter, and I am already nervous. I do feel comfortable and confident that the MW's will be a wonderful help and relief of pressure for me.

 

Maybe your DH wanting his Mum there is a relief to him because he doesn't feel confident in being a birth partner to you?

Maybe having him feel more comfortable with the doula, or going over what his role is and what their roles are will ease some pressure?

 

Or maybe he just knows his Mum is high needs and annoying and he finds it easier to argue with you than to argue with her? Maybe he never learned to say no to his Mum and so he is hoping you will give in so he doesn't have to say no to her?

 

Good luck.

But you are not being selfish and you have all the right to decide who will be present.
 

post #15 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by kawa kamuri View Post

When my SO mentioned a bunch of his friends coming over for my last labour and birth he didn't understand, no matter how I phrased it, my need for a private environment. He said everyone he knows has a party environment and they all bond. He thought I was weird. Regardless, he never mentioned it again and respected my wishes. Hopefully the OPs partner is more understanding redface.gif

This is quite possibly the most bizarre thing I have ever heard... Really?   Giving birth in a party environment?  Has he ever witnessed a birth?  Cause I want dim, silence, and still.....  sooo the opposite of party...

post #16 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by iowaorganic View Post

This is quite possibly the most bizarre thing I have ever heard... Really?   Giving birth in a party environment?  Has he ever witnessed a birth?  Cause I want dim, silence, and still.....  sooo the opposite of party...

 

The man has some incredibly bizarre ideas and is often mentally removed from anything resembling the reality that I know. When he said this he had already experienced a home water birth with another woman AND me. The birth with me was quiet, peaceful, and only attended by the bare minimum of people. It was gorgeous. So yes, the idea of him inviting friends I don't really know, one of whom brags about having had sex with him, was not ever going to happen. 

post #17 of 27
Thread Starter 

He brought up again(all mopey and was like "Wah wah wah you just dislike my mom"...which isn't far fetched, BUT...haha), and I just told him flat out, if HE wants to know when I'm going into labor/about to birth the baby HIS mother IS NOT attending. He shut up pretty quickly :D

post #18 of 27

What? There is no way that I would invite your mil (or mine, though mine would not be quite as bad). I think your dh does not seem to get birth at all... and I am really surprised that you have endured having your mil there, twice. Crazy!

 

If anyone tried to demand to come to my birth, I would laugh... That is just bizarre. Is FIL stil alive and married to MIL? Maybe you could suggest that next time they are intimate you should be allowed to go sit in the room. Not that you would want to, and not that is is exactly the same... but still.

post #19 of 27

Hell, I don't even like my MIL to see me in a bathing suit.  In labor?  Not in a million years, my friend.  No, no, no.

 

It is the most personal, intimate moment imaginable.  Not a spectator sport UNLESS EVERYONE is on board and delighted for that to be the case.

 

Goodness gracious.

post #20 of 27

A birth, especially a home birth, is about the mother and baby. Making the mother comfortable (both physically and emotionally) is second only to safety for the mother and baby. If not having anyone else there, especially a person who gets on your nerves on a good day is what it takes to make you comfortable then your husband should respect that. It doesn't matter that she has been at your 2 previous births. I personally can think of a whole list of people who I'd invite to my birth, and it doesn't include my MIL or my mother.

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