Is it possible to AP twins...felling like a failure - Page 2

[twinsmama9]

I don't have an older child I have a younger infant (4months) AND 1 1/2 year old twins, a whole different challenge (but I'm glad I had twins first). Twin parenting is about survival and doing your best. They'll love you no matter what because you're THEIR Mommy :-) This is your new family, and your parenting will have to adjust. Don't be hard on yourself! They're going to cry, unless you can hire a nanny or have volunteers come in 24/7 to help you, this is inevitable with twins. I am amazed at how little my 4 month old baby cries, because generally I can quickly attend to his needs and he is breastfed/cosleeps part-time. The twins cried a lot for minutes at a time because I had to triage their needs and act accordingly based on urgency. I had to breastfeed/PUMP/Formula feed the twins and gave up the breastfeeding/pumping routine after 2 months because they'd scream while I pumped and one would scream while I fed the other at the breast and vice versa. It was too stressful. We coslept off/on until 6 months, but after that they wanted nothing to do with my bed and think it's a party if we bring them to sleep with us.

The bond with my girls, in my experience, has grown stronger as they grow up (they're currently 1 1/2). Each one is so special and has her own unique personality and it's awesome to watch them grow as individuals and together. One thing that helps me with bonding is getting each twin out individually to spend quality alone time with Mommy at least once a week. I even babywear them when they're in the mood for it on our adventures, so if you cannot babywear your infant you can babywear later on when you can get them out separately. We go to free classes, paid classes, the mall, target, dinner, or grocery shopping etc. My husband feeds the little one a bottle of pumped milk while one of my girls and I spend time together.

Anyway, good luck. It does get easier, I promise! Just be easy on yourself, you are doing the best you can!

[13pumpkins]

Oh, I hear ya and my heart aches with you.

My extended (so lucky we could manage and work supported a 4 mo maternity leave) ends at the end of December and I have yet to get my girls to latch on.  Parenting multiples is compromise and it is hard.  As I type this, I am hooked up to my Lactina Select with baby A sleeping in my arms, Baby B in eldest DD's lap, Baby C next to them sleeping, and DD 2 out with DH.

What has helped me is appreciating the small things and the successes.  Things like chubby cheeks and the babies beginning to smile and coo.  Big successes like being able to pump enough for the babies to be fed breastmilk exclusively.  I cuddle as much as I can but as a family with 5 kids 5 and under, it is hard.  Two of my girls are tongue tied making nursing even more difficult.  I have two that refuse to latch and one that had a poor latch to now she does not even want to latch at all.  It is heart breaking.  I do not even have the time to properly work with them and I am frustrated when I see other trip moms were able to...especially when I have been so damn good at breastfeeding in the past. 

Multiples is about survival but it is also a lot of fun.  I try to just focus on the great things.  Great things like days we get out walking vs. days I am stuck on the couch staring at the wall because they all need to be held and jostled together.  It's silly but parenting multiples is like my stroller.   As a babywearer, having a rely on and lug around a 28 lbs stroller (it's about 60 lbs all loaded up these days) seems like the last thing I wanted to do parenting wise.  But I'm thankful for the blasted contraption because it gives us freedom to safely go out and both do necessary tasks and enjoy life (ie:  take my older girls to the park and get us all some fresh air).  I might not be able to babywear as I did in the past, but we can participate in activities as we would have with a singleton.

It's hard. So very hard.  But I look at their faces and marvel at what a treasure life has given us.  The same love I had for one baby, I have for all 5 of my children.

[YogiMegs]

Thank goodness for this thread. It's so nice to know I'm not alone with the feelings of guilt and inadequacy. I've been taking my 4 1/2 month twins fussiness pretty personal lately and feel like I am not being a good mom. It's so hard. Then I talk to my support who encourages me to get out of the house. How is that possible? There doesn't seem to be any time when one of the babies isn't eating, napping, or I'm trying to put them down for a nap. Of course, they hardly ever nap at the same time. I'm also struggling with the babywearing. Mostly because I can't get dressed until noon and don't think my carriers fit well over my robe. They have been teething for quite some time now and then a friend told me her ped said "teething" is a myth-babies dont fuss over teething. Cue more momma guilt. My only saving grace is that we room share and they sleep well at night for which I am do grateful. Thank you for the 'hold the space' reference. I'm going to keep reminding myself that I'm doing the best I can and they know that somehow.

[siddal]

Hugs to you, YogiMegs.  You are doing a GREAT job.  Know that and believe it.  Your babies are still small and are bound to go through bouts of fussiness.  I have 3 month old twins (born 3 week prem) and I just had a day where the morning as golden and lovely, and the afternoon was a total meltdown of craziness, where I could never get anyone to nap, as one twin was always waking the other up.  It is so hard sometimes, but we will both get through this.  I just keep telling them how much I love them and knowing that they can feel it.

The thing that has been a great comfort to me is reading in various places that babies mature in small steps, often taking some steps "back." Like 13pumpkins said, take the small things and successes for what they are and enjoy them.  I think babywearing is awesome, but it is also one of those things that will only work sometimes for twin moms.  And I feel your pain on getting out and about.  We moved to a new city when I was mid-pregnancy, and everyone keeps asking me if I have made any friends yet, or if I'm getting out.  I try to stay calm and not take their heads off, because I know they are just trying to be nice and are concerned.  But really, other than my mom, who comes to help me when she can, most people have no idea how hard it is to parent multiples.  (not that it isn't hard having more than one kid/s of any age; just a different kind of hard, I would imagine).  My mom was here visiting earlier this week and even with her help, I almost had a melt down yesterday trying to get the girls ready for a walk.  It was the first time I took them out w/o my husband, or more than one other person (went for one walk with my inlaws on a visit), and I thought I would lose it.  I cannot even imagine doing it on my own at this point.

Maybe I am totally wrong, but I'm sorry, I do NOT believe that teething-induced fussiness is a myth.  I have known too many little ones in my time.  And besides, it has to hurt to have swollen gums with teeth breaking through, and most babies get a fever at some point too.  How can that NOT make them fussy??  That doctor sounds wack to me.
 

[AngelBee]

Wonderful thread! Taking it all in. These are the things that keep me up at night right now. Just trying to figure out the "hows".

[siddal]

Try not to worry AngelBee.  You will be fine! Looking at your signature, I see you have lots of mom experience   And honestly, looking back over the last 4 months I think a lot of the things that consumed me with worry were mostly things that all first-time moms would have been concerned about....not just a mom of multiples.  I don't say that to discount your worries at all; mothering multiples is definitely a different experience than mothering one tiny baby at a time. But I just wanted to offer some words of encouragement, and to say, mama, you've got this!   And your older children will be such helping hands to you...that will be awesome!  Congrats on your twins xx  All of us other moms of multiples will be here to share the journey with you.

[AngelBee]

Thank you for your kind words!!! It put some peace in my heart and a smile on my face. :

[christyc]

For me, the thing that helped the most was staying away from local MoM groups and online groups in which routine cesarean, scheduling, expecting breastfeeding failure, and anti-cosleeping sentiment were the norm. It was hard, because you really want to connect with other moms of twins, but I found that when I did, I got the kind of advice that made me doubt myself and my ability to attachment parent them. I connected online (in this forum and a few others) with naturally parenting twin moms, and in person with naturally parenting singleton moms, and somehow found my own way. It wasn't easy, and you do have to modify some things about AP that just don't fit quite as well with multiples as they do with singletons, but overall I was happy to be supported by moms who understand how much the natural family living and AP meant to me.

I hope all of you expecting mults (or with little ones) find your way and grow in confidence as you learn with and from your babies!