Hi all, I have been reading along and identify so much with what you all have to say. My dd just turned 3 last month, she took 10 months to conceive, which felt long and painful at the time but now seems like nothing. I had been on BC for 15+ years and once I stopped it took about 7 months for my cycle to sort itself out and then I got pregnant. So of course I thought that this time around it would be immediate. We’ve been ttc #2 for over 2 years now. Over the last 2 years my periods have been getting more and more erratic, sometimes disappearing for months on end sometimes coming every 3 weeks so I finally went to get checked out. My day 3 blood work showed my FSH in the 50’s which is menopausal range, I am 37. Anyways to rule out a lab error my doc had me do the test again, I go back to see the doc next week, I am not expecting good news. DD has just started asking me for a little sister, she BEGGED me last weekend for a “real live baby” and it made me so sad. For a long time I struggled with the age difference, I wanted my 2 kids to be fairly close in age but of course I have given up on that. Now I have been at this so long that I don’t even know what I am doing this for anymore, do I just want to be pregnant again? Do I just want to experience the baby stage again? Do I just want a sibling for dd? I don’t know anymore everything is so jumbled together. What I do know is that when the doctor told me about my FSH level at my last apt I was a wreck. I want a definitive answer to whether or not I can have another child. If the answer is no then it is time for me to let go and move on, rid my house of all the baby stuff and maternity clothes and change the plan that I had. It won’t be easy, I’ll need time to grieve what won’t be and the worse thing is that I think that I will never give up hope that it may miraculously happen.
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Secondary Infertility (so far) Mamas - Page 2post #21 of 447/24/12 at 7:11ampost #22 of 447/24/12 at 10:53am
I want a definitive answer to whether or not I can have another child. If the answer is no then it is time for me to let go and move on, rid my house of all the baby stuff and maternity clothes and change the plan that I had. It won’t be easy, I’ll need time to grieve what won’t be and the worse thing is that I think that I will never give up hope that it may miraculously happen.
Hi there and hugs to you, mama Something you said really struck me (above) - this wanting of a definitive answer. I think you will be disappointed looking for this yes or no answer because it doesn't exist - like you said, even if someone told you that you wouldn't be able to conceive, you would still think, "well, maybe it could happen." That's what makes this such a challenging journey - we all want to know if and when, but we can't. We all want to have our efforts rewarded. We all don't want to feel like we've "wasted" time or been silly about having hopes about something that may never manifest. So we each keep moving forward in whatever way we see fit in that moment. Maybe one month it's taking a TTC break. Maybe the next it's Clomid. Maybe we break down and think it's never going to happen, maybe we feel hopeful sometimes. The black and white, definitive answer is the thing that none of us can have (except in rare rare cases). I completely understand that you either want it to be happening or want it done so you can move on - all the baby stuff and maternity clothes out, chapter closed, false hopes over. But even so, even with all of that seemingly done and out of your sight, would it really be? As long as there is a shred of hope, there is possibility. And shoot, even when there isn't hope, there is possibility. One of my favorite sayings of all time is: In a box of crayons, there are more colors than just black and white. That has helped me to see that yes and no - happening or not happening - are just two of the million scenarios (colors) out there (in TTC and in life)post #23 of 447/24/12 at 11:22amThread Starter
Hi all! I'm glad to see all the activity here. (Though sorry you are all in this situation.)
I thought I would never stop trying either, but turning 45 has really caused me pause. In the last few weeks my close in vision has really gotten worse and I need reading glasses more than I did before (which was almost never). That has really shifted things for me. I feel like my body is telling me it is moving into an older phase and having a baby doesn't go with that (for me, in my gut). It is weirdly clear. I wonder if those thoughts will stick? I also have been looking at the little ones of friends and been struck by what a very long time they are in the little one stage. I'm not sure I want that. This is all so radical for me. I am enjoying my ds very much. I'm looking into adopting an older child (maybe 3 or 4), though our financial situation isn't good right now, so I don't think this is quite the time. As you can see...post #24 of 447/24/12 at 11:26amThread Starter
Smilesarefree, my heart really went out to you when I read about your dd begging for a baby. That sounds really heartbreaking. I know it is not the same, but maybe you can find a baby that can be in her life. Now that I'm thinking it is more likely that ds might not have a sibling, I'm trying harder to have him spend time with close family friends that have kids of other ages. I wish he had more cousins.
happy2bamama I love what you said about the crayons. Thank you.
post #25 of 447/24/12 at 6:04pm
Happy2bamama - You are right about a definitive answer not existing, I will keep hoping no matter what the outcome, I think I could have my uterus and ovaries removed and some part of me would still have hope. I also loved what you said about the crayons!
Waturmama - It will be interesting to see if your new thoughts do stick, I am glad to hear that you are enjoying your ds. I try to put ttc on the back burner of my thoughts and give dd my full attention.post #26 of 447/26/12 at 8:12pm
Hello, I'm new here. I've been lurking for a few weeks and I've finally decided to join in the chat. I just got done with two months of "doing nothing" and am back to the Dr tomorrow to start a new round of treatment. A little about me: I have two daughters - one is 9 and was conceived while on the pill in college, the second is 3 and was conceived two cycles after removal of the Mirena IUD. Thought I was Fertile Myrtle but that turns out not to be the case this time around.
We have been trying to get pregnant since Sep. 2010 so closing in on two years. I did have a bizarre miscarriage in Feb. 2011 at 9 wks although it wasn't discovered until 11 weeks and not removed until 14+ weeks. So far I have done three cycles of Clomid 50mg, two months off, two cycles of Clomid with IUI, one cycle of Clomid 100mg but no IUI because my lining was too thin. Then the two months I just took off and now I am starting a cycle of Femora (sp?), injectables, and IUI. I feel like I don't know nearly as much as all of you here on the boards and that is making me think I need to ask more questions of my dr...
Anyway, I just wanted to introduce myself and hopefully find some support for this journey. There is so much to talk about that is hard to do with people who aren't or haven't gone through this. It's especially difficult to hear the "well you can enjoy the two you have" comments. Yes but... my family is not complete yet! Sigh...post #27 of 447/27/12 at 2:00pm
Smiles-I can really relate to so much of what you said. Especially the part about closing the chapter and wanting a definite yes or no. I struggle with this too. I have noticed. howwever. that the longing is in my heart and if I ignore it than it just gets buried, but is still there. I read a book called The Fertile Female that gave me a lot of hope. I keep it on my nightstand and when I am feeling low, I read a chapter. There are many success stories on the Fertile Heart website. Here is a great one. Best of luck to you.post #28 of 447/27/12 at 2:02pm
Here is a great video about longing.post #29 of 447/28/12 at 8:16am
Peanutgirl - Thanks for the link for the story, I understand the part about not feeling like a complete woman. Sometime I feel like a leper, I know that is harsh but on a low day that is how I feel. I told my SIL (who is a fertile myrtle) that I felt that way and she just could not understand even a little where I was coming from.
Planegreen - Hi!post #30 of 447/28/12 at 11:28pmThread Starter
Welcome Planegreen! I can so connect with what you are saying about people that say you should be happy with you're too, though in my case it's that I should be so happy I at least have one. As if we don't know how very precious the ones we have are! That's not the point, is it? The point is about not feeling complete. I wish I could see that video about longing. (I'm longing to. :) ) When I clicked it I got a message that the owner had removed it. Did anyone else get that? I think I'll try again another day. I appreciated the article. Thank you peanutgirl.
Today I was noticing how my ds's ears look perfect to me. I wondered if I had a second child, would I have two ideas of perfect ears (and belly buttons, and noses, and little feet, etc.). Lately I think I'm getting used to the idea that this isn't going to happen for me, and then I have thoughts like that (about the ears), and suddenly the idea that it might not happen really surprises me. I've thought I'd have multiple children as long as I can remember. Sigh.post #31 of 447/29/12 at 2:18pm
I had two daughters who struggled with infertility and they share their stories along with 45 other couples in my book Dear God, Why Can't I Have a Baby? A Companion Guide for Couples on the Infertility Journey. I have a chapter on Secondary Infertility and daughter Shannon shares her story: after having a successful IVF, she thought the second would go the same way...but after 7 years and 4 failed IVF's she was beginning to lose hope.
Your idea of a virtual support group is awesome! Shannon is an advocate of support groups where others know how you're feeling without you even having to say a word.
One woman shared in the book that while doing tests for secondary infertility, she discovered she really shouldn't have had the first one. Her child became so much more precious to her then.
Here's a quote from the book that might help put things into perspective:
"Spend time with the child you have. While you're longing to give your child a sibling, what your child really wants is you--loving, not longing, parents. Be careful not to shift all your emotions and efforts to creating another child and lose sight of God's creation in your arms."
Janet Thompsonpost #32 of 447/30/12 at 2:11pm
Waturmama - I thought that was just me! My DD has lovely curly hair. I was thinking the other day as I helped her fix barrettes "I hope the next baby has hair just like hers". There is no next baby in sight. But is was still a sweet thought, hopeful, not really sad, until I over-thought it. I never thought I would be a mother, now I am struggling to accept that I will most likely be a mother to just one child.post #33 of 448/1/12 at 11:49ampost #34 of 448/1/12 at 4:31pmThread Starter
Thank you JThompson for your support. I appreciate hearing those stories.
Wow, julieven, that is wild. It is good to know I'm not alone, though I am sorry for your struggles.post #35 of 448/2/12 at 9:44pm
Dear mamas, after more than two years of ttc for our second we are finally pregnant. Five year old DS was conceived pretty quickly, and it somehow just didn't feel right to go the medical route in trying for our second child. So I stuck with just trying and hoping...until I recently came across this energy healing system which works on similar principles as reiki and other alternative systems of healing. It is free and do-it-yourself and I felt moved to give it a try. I just used a glass of water for the charging, and did the infertility combination for both DH and myself. I noticed some changes right away. My ovulation time which had been around CD 14 all my life had started to slip back to CD 12 in the past year or so (though my cycle continued to be 28 days long). After I started this therapy, my ovulation day moved back to CD 14. After about 50 days of the therapy, we conceived. I do think doing this helped us, and I just wanted to put it out here in case any of you mamas feel it may be right for you.
The hardest part of the journey was the being in limbo - not knowing whether we'd have another child or not. I'm just glad the waiting is over :) All the best to each of you on your journeys. Wishing you much peace and love and light.
ETA: I have to add though, that I learned such deep lessons in surrender and letting go these past two years that looking back, I wouldn't want it any other way. It was worth the wait. And it would have been worth it even if we had not got pregnant.
Edited by keeptryst - 8/2/12 at 10:06pmpost #36 of 448/5/12 at 8:47pmpost #37 of 448/6/12 at 10:47ampost #38 of 448/6/12 at 8:56pm
peanutgirl, I think I saw the health articles from that site regarding diet and lifestyle posted on a yahoogroup with the source url mentioned. I was impressed with the article, had looked over the site, and bookmarked it. In the past few months the thought kept coming up that I should try the energy healing for infertility I'd seen on the site. I thought well, there'd be no harm in giving it a shot...after all, all it involves is charging a glass of water with some energy patterns and drinking it. The rest is history :)post #39 of 448/18/12 at 7:23pm
I have not been using Mothering lately, but came upon this thread tonight. May I join you?
My husband and I are each 34, and have a 3.5 year old son. We've been trying to conceive another child for a year now. We've not had any testing or medical consultation, but think we'll approach that soon. I've had some acupuncture and Chinese herbs for a few months, but stopped that in May due to multiple factors. I'd like to think about going back, but feel it'd be best to have some idea if there are specific conditions to address. I have normal cycles and we conceived our son in 7 cycles, which seemed so long at the time, but like a dream come true now!
I can so identify with what many of you have described as you journey through the emotions associated with fertility/conception/parenthood. I ask myself many of the same questions; how do we deal with the longing, and what (exactly) are we longing for? How to cope with the envy? How do we stay present with our wonderful son, and how do we cope with his beginning to notice that most of our circle's children have sisters and brothers, while our family does not? How to respond gently to folks who ask us about when we're having another child when we're feeling raw and ungentle with ourselves about it? Where are we willing/able to go with diagnosis and treatment?
As some of you have expressed, there's so much urge toward wanting to know what will happen. All this wanting...it's hard to let it go!
I've found energy work to be beneficial, in the form of craniosacral therapy. My therapist is a wonderfully wise and inuitive woman who helps me to feel my best, to be gentle to myself, to pay attention to now and to access my spirit instead of just my mind/logic. Talking with supportive friends helps. Giving myself a break over the summer from charting my cycles obsessively was a great way to let it go a bit. After talking with an OB/GYN MD colleague, I think I will proceed to having some bloodwork, a semen analysis for my DH, and go from there. We're unwilling, at this point, to use medical intervention to try to conceive, but would consider using supplements, acupuncture, etc.
Anyhow, that's me and thanks for having this thread. It's always helpful to hear about others' experiences in similar situations, and to see a different outlook from the expressions of entitlement and frustration to be found on some other forums from those trying to be pregnant.
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