A Peaceful Pregnancy

[writinglove]

Inspired by a Sane 2WW created by zenquaker, this thread is a place for pregnant women at all stages of the process to come together to explore their emotions during pregnancy, particularly the unsettling ones such as fear, anxiety, and impatience. Together we can help one another frame pregnancy as a sacred time, offering compassionate suggestions and discussion to one another.

This is a place to prepare our minds, bodies, and spirits for what is to come. Let's not discuss nursery design or debate the merits of a favorite baby carrier (worthy pursuits, definitely, but better discussed in other places).

All religions, spiritual practices, and atheists are welcome to this discussion!

Resources to help guide you through a peaceful pregnancy (listed in no particular order; most resources have been mentioned in this thread one way or another -- if you feel misrepresented, please ping OP)

(A work in progress!)

Trust Tending: Transforming fear with trust

Bountiful, Beautiful, Blissful: Experience the Natural Power of Pregnancy and Birth with Kundalini Yoga and Meditation by Gurmukh Kaur Khalsa

Yoga with Gurmukh Kaur Khalsa

Sheryl Paul: A psychotherapist on Conscious Transitions and Conscious Motherhood

Freebirth educator Jeannine Parvati Baker

An inspiring article about being absorbed in life: An Absorbing Errand by JANNA MALAMUD SMITH

Anji fertility meditations (this one is on healing after loss)

Mindful breathing meditation for pregnancy, and info on the book Mindful Motherhood: http://www.noetic.org/library/audio-experientials/mindful-breathing-meditation/
Edited by writinglove - 1/8/13 at 1:17pm

[kawa kamuri]

Great question! Control is an illusion 

[writinglove]

kawa, as the mother to 6, soon to be 7, kids, i imagine that you learned the lesson of letting go of control a long time ago! tell us more about how your relationship to control has changed as your family grows.

[Momma41]

Thank you for this thread.  I really need to hear this question "How to let go of control" during your pregnancy..

It is especially difficult for me because I have had so many miscarriages, and feel so out of control. But I do need to release that feeling and just be.

I feel better after writing that. 

I plan to meditate more and enjoy the moments! Namaste.

[LizzieStewbutt]

Yes, indeed. Thank you for this thread! I am in a wait, a limbo, the floating around in what-if's, worse case scenarios, the unknown....I am waiting to see if I will have a developing, healthy baby in my uterus on the 22nd.

I go in and out of obsessing over every symptom or lack thereof. in and out of crying about whether or not God has blessed me with a viable pregnancy...I have been jumping back and forth from positivity that I am pregnant and thinking about what I'll do if I'm not. IT is so consuming...

So yes, it is all in an effort to control the outcome. Somehow, If I do all the right things, eat all the right foods, exercise..practice yoga, drink tea, etc...that the baby will be there. But, that's just not how it works. It can be so challenging to accept. I try to keep my feelings at bay after seeing the ease that some women have to conceive and give birth, only to fail at cherishing such a blessing with neglect, apathy, etc. I try to not allow myself to indulge in negative thoughts...like I am a failure because I can't sustain a pregnancy...I waited too long to start trying...I had too many boyfriends and too many lovers...I should have never been so wild in my 20's and focused on my future rather than the next party...God has other plans for me, and being a mother ain't one of them...it goes on and on.

I know I have no real control over any of this, so how can I truly let go...? I find it to be constant discipline to surround myself with as many reminders as possible that God/(insert religious/spiritual belief) is in control, so I might as well nurture myself. It slips so easily though, doesn't it?

It slips, and I end up slinging snot in the shower, holding my belly, and hoping I'm holding my baby.

[LizzieStewbutt]

Oh I like that you say "mom to your spirit baby". I have one, too. I have a peace lily in honor. I wake up every morning and see it. It comforts me.

[Momma41]

Wow Lizzie, you gave me chills. You write so beautifully.  I am so touched by how you expressed your feelings.  The way I think of it sometimes is that it all happens for a reason.  I know it is cliche but that is the way to get through this stuff. I completely understand your obsession.  I am right there with you girl.  Maybe try to concentrate on everything else that is Lizzie.  Focus on what makes you happy besides being pregnant. I know it is so difficult when your body is giving you all these mixed messages. Enjoy this moment, then the next....then the next.  All the best.

I am sending you good energy.

[writinglove]

Welcome Lizzie and Momma, I hope this thread helps you to find the peace you are looking for.

Pregnancy is such a great time to learn about life and all its joy and existential pain. I once heard that self-blame is a way of asserting control in situations that are otherwise out of our control. It rings so true for me . . . and no time does it seem more relevant to me than during pregnancy.

AFM, the gods have decided to make this path truly challenging for me. In the last year I have racked up a still birth at 35 weeks and a chemical pregnancy. My latest pregnancy lasted all of 18 days. It is so difficult for me not to self-blame, but in my heart I know I am doing the best I am can to live my life to its best, and fullest.

Please keep this thread going. I'll be back after I get my next BFP, and there will plenty of others joining us from the "Sane 2WW" thread.

[LizzieStewbutt]

Thanks Momma and WritingLove.

I appreciate having a place to post my feelings instead of trying to fixate so much on what may or may not happen in the future. My DH doesn't like for me to be reading and obsessing so much and rolls eyes and acts very impatient and intolerant of me when I express my anxiety, so other than talking to my mom who says "try not to worry", I don't really have anyone else in the physical world to express myself to. I have no idea if I am still pregnant right now, the hpt this morning "seemed" to have a very faint bfp, but it was a blue test...so not sure if that counts. I directly went to prenatal yoga anyways and happened to be the only one there, but it was really nice and relaxing. 

4 more days until my first u/s...

WritingLove, So sorry for your losses. My heart truly aches for you. It is my belief that you will be reunited with your babies. 

[Momma41]

Keep us updated Lizzie.  My thoughts are with you.....
 

[LizzieStewbutt]

No evidence of pregnancy in u/s, bfn urine test. The dr. says it was all chemical pregnancies...that no egg was actually fertilized. That it's amerrohea possibly caused by a thyroid issue. I go in for blood work next week. She mentioned Clomid, progesterone, etc...

So awesome. I've been thinking I was pregnant since March...mourning the loss of the first chemical as if it actually existed. And all along....I am just broken. At least, now it can be identified and treated. 

So I feel just lovely. But I'm trying to stay positive and strong in faith. 

This hurts. Thanks for the support. May your pregnancies prosper. <3

[writinglove]

, Lizzie. I'm so sorry to hear your news, but I'm heartened to hear you are on the road to healing. I don't have a thyroid, so I'm very familiar with how it can affect your body. Fortunately, with time you should be on the way to sorting it all out.

Best of luck to you on your deployment. Thanks for taking the time to join us.

[Momma41]

I am so sorry Lizzie. I completely sympathize with you. It will happen for you. Just not yet.
 

[zenquaker]

Hi, everyone. I'm here from the Saner 2ww threads and hoping to continue that sort of practice through my pregnancy. What a great start this already is! Lizzie, if you're still reading, thank you for sharing your very raw feelings here. Limbo is a hard place to be, and I'm so sorry that on the other side of that was great disappointment and pain. I too have thyroid issues and have taken Clomid. I started thyroxin and Clomid four months ago and got my positive two days ago. I hope your doctor is able to sort some things out for you.

AFM, I'm cautiously hoping this one sticks. I had a possible blighted ovum last year but didn't miscarry (or lose the 'nothing') until 7 weeks. One of the things that I think is hampering my ability to have a peaceful pregnancy is that I've set 7 weeks as a kind of benchmark. Like, if this pregnancy makes it past that mark, everything will be fine. Which is dumb because for THIS pregnancy, that is an arbitrary, factually meaningless milestone. Still, the first tri is hard. I am analyzing my symptoms, worrying about not having enough of them--even though my successful pregnancy was completely devoid of morning sickness--or that the ones I think I'm feeling are just something else.

I need to just say a prayer of thankfulness every day that I am reasonably sure I'm still pregnant.

[writinglove]

great to see you here, zenq. isn't it interesting how we set up benchmarks based on our past histories. this pregnancy is so different than your previous pregnancy, like every child is different, and yet your benchmark is so human. beautiful and hopeful, too.

i had an interesting experience today. i went to the ER (because it is a weekend) to have my persistent head cold checked out to make sure it wasn't a bacterial infection or worse. in the process of going over my symptoms with me the attending asked if i would like an ultrasound -- and she was really excited about it -- apparently it was a slow day in the ER and she was happy to show her student what a 6 week 3 day bean looked like. i took her excitement to mean that there would be something to see, so i consented. forgetting the last time that i had an ultrasound was when they pronounced by 35 week's gestation son dead.

they brought out the ultrasound machine, gooped up my belly, and then the attending told the room that i was at the point in my pregnancy when they may or may not be able to see anything. she applied the wand to my tummy and started looking, pointed out my bladder and my uterus, and then got a phone call, which she answered while the wand was on my belly, leaving the med student, my husband, and i to squint at the small screen to see if we could see anything in my uterus. there may or may not have been a pixilated yolk sac. who knows! she finally got off the phone, motioned to the blip that we could kind of see, indicated that it might be the yolk sac, and moved on to the next part of my exam.

to say it was an ambiguous situation is an understatement. given my previous loss, i've been second guessing this pregnancy from my BFP -- are my boobs sore enough, am i a super smeller, am i nauseous enough????? and then i try to bring myself back to center, reminding myself that time will tell. and now that i've seen an ambiguous blob of pixilated magic on the screen, i don't know what to think. all i know is that i am scared. and i don't have control.

so i'm meditating. one of the women from the saner 2ww thread gave me a lotus flower meditation, which seems to work when i get really scared. the ultrasound is definitely making that one harder.

can i emotionally survive another loss? yes
can i gestate a healthy baby? yes
is this hard? yes
is there anything i can do besides meditate, eat right, exercise, get emotional support, and see my provider? not so much

so here i am. waiting. and living my life.

[zenquaker]

Writinglove, that was beautiful. I'm sorry that you had to go through that ultrasound--it just seems to have confirmed the ambiguous, secret nature of this part of pregnancy. That tiny little thing holds the potential for all that is to come, whatever it may be, and we just can't know!

I also wanted to have a chance to send my love regarding the loss of your son. I didn't know the particulars before. I'll hold your heart in the light tonight.

[writinglove]

Yes, they should rename the first trimester the ambiguous secret phase.

[zenquaker]

Seriously. Really, until reliable tests, women just didn't know until they started showing and felt movement. Although knowing you're pregnant but not if it will "stick" is bad, I would think that really really NOT knowing and living in a could-be-pregnant-at-any-time state would be worse.

[maydaymom10]

Hi ladies. I'm glad to see this thread is active again. I checked a few weeks ago and it seemed like it was dormant & I really need the support through the next 8 months or so. 

Congrats to both of you. I'm with you in that I'm being cautiously optimistic about this pregnancy. Things seem to be going well and I am recovering from a grueling few weeks of morning sickness and nausea. I think this thread it going to be a place for me to calm my nerves as we're approaching this pregnancy with little interventions, such as u/s and testing. We're still interviewing midwives, and I'm really struggling between the two modes of though that seems to be out there, at least among homebirth midwives. Some are very anti-testing whatsoever, while the others suggest at least a 20-week ultrasound. I kind of like the idea of just going with your gut feelings regarding the progression of the pregnancy and to not rely on other outside tools, but I don't think that I can maintain that through the whole pregnancy. We have one more midwife to interview next week, and hopefully we'll make a decision after that. I doubt that I'll go in before 12 weeks, other than maybe to get some labs drawn. 

I look forward to spending the journey with you both, and anyone else who might join us. I hope you're both finding some peace today. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts for a happy and sticky pregnancy.

[writinglove]

welcome mayday! hooray! so glad to have another traveler on this thread. good luck with your decision re: what time of home birth midwife to use. i like you idea of going with your gut as the pregnancy progresses. whichever decision you make, you will always have the option of being able to get an ultrasound if you feel like you need one (it just may be trickier depending on the path you take).

zenq, i can only imagine what is was like to be a woman before the days of accurate pregnancy testing, especially if you were a woman with irregular cycles. women used to carry so many babies, to term and not. however, i imagine there wasn't much that they had to change about their lives given that they either didn't know about what things to avoid, or they didn't even exist. what can we learn from the women of old while we try to maintain peaceful pregnancies? for me, i guess that would be that time will be my best teacher.

AFM, i'm currently struggling with the lack of mental acuity that comes with pregnancy. i'm in the middle of a grant application, and am having so much trouble piecing together the parts to see the big picture. normally that kind of thinking comes relatively easy to me, but today i struggle. or, maybe it is just the lack of coffee.

i'm feeling more pregnant today. my bloat is super bloaty, which is wonderful, but the what ifs keep playing in my mind. i read an analogy the other day comparing anxious thoughts to junk mail. here's the link: http://conscious-transitions.com/if-anxious-thoughts-were-labeled-as-junk-mail/

i love the thought of comparing anxious thoughts to junk mail, but for a girl who has had some pretty serious anxious thoughts come true, the concept is much easier said than done.