A Peaceful Pregnancy - Page 3

[zenquaker]

Writinglove, so sorry that you are not feeling so great. I love the idea of practicing gratitude. It is so grounding.

[sweetlowmom]

Hi all,

I am so glad I found this thread this morning. I have one son who is three and a half and after two miscarriages last year am not about 6 weeks pregnant. I finally "believe" I am pregnant again if that makes sense ...  I am feeling okay physically although with some fatigue ... it is so good to read all of your emotional responses to pregnancy. I am trying to just accept what the universe has to offer me and not worry too much ... but deep down I am counting the days until my first ultrasound (the 21st of sept) and praying to hear that little heartbeat. In the meantime my son just started school (we live in Spain and they start the year they turn three) and am struggling with both his and my emotions surrounding that - so for the past few days I haven't thought too much about the pregnancy. Every day is different! Anyway ... thanks for the wonderful thread!
 

[1babysmom]

Very neat thread.

I am expecting #4 for the 6th time.  This is my 11th pregnancy though I only have 3 children in arms.  So needless to say, peace is generally something hard for me to find early on.  That peace that only comes from God is the only way I have made it through most of the time.  I know He can get me through another loss if it happens, but just the thought of it makes me want to throw up! 

I know now what was likely a contributor to my last 5 losses (my first 2 7 years ago were likely chromosomal abnormalities).  And being on medication now makes me feel a little better, but at the same time, I feel like I'm hanging by a thread and if I make one mistake, it's over.  Even though I know that *I* am not the author of life and death.  But I think it makes it more stressful because, other than my FIL, an MD who has been the only one to take me serious enough to discover my problem, I have no real medical support so I'm kinda doing it all on my own.  Not a huge deal, because I'd be just as involved regardless, but it is just a lot of weight on my shoulders with my history.

I have had some big reassurances this time.  One, ultrasound at 6w3d showed my baby is in my uterus and measuring ahead with a strong heartbeat.  My most recent loss was an undiscovered ectopic and I lost my tube (and a good portion of my blood), and so I had to fear not knowing in time and losing my remaining tube...and then having it ALL be over for me.  Two, I was able to pick up the HB with my doppler on Monday (at 9 weeks exactly).  Just knowing my baby was STILL alive, instead of just assuming it, only to be wrong, was very reassuring.

Sooooo...anyway, I've decided that I'm likely going to do this unassisted, aside from the labwork and prescribing (if necessary) that my FIL will continue to do for me.  But I stress so much more over dealing with care providers.  It makes it quite miserable for me, actually.  One, knowing that they're not actually helping me with anything, two, worrying ahead of time about all the things I know I will want to decline and that it will be a fight once it comes to it, and three, I feel like I *have* to have a hospital birth if I stick with an OB. (too many horror stories on MDC, maybe, but I just fear I'd have CPS called on me "out of concern" if we didn't go in!)

But the idea of just doing it unassisted, like we have the last 2 times, is so appealing to me, and even with all that added responsibility, I feel so much more confident about things.  Of course, we pray about it regularly and I know that if God was prompting us to seek care, we would, but for now, this feels like the best place to be.  If I can't relax about my CARE that is being provided, it kind of defeats the purpose.

[Linnaea]

I'm also very appreciative of this thread   Peace has always been something I've yearned for deeply, but never knew how to experience it.  5 years ago I was listening to Eckhart Tolle, meditating a lot, spending a lot of time in nature, doing yoga, that sort of thing.  While all of these things have helped me feel calmer and more centered, they didn't actually bring a true sense of peace within me.  It took me awhile to realize that I was actually pushing away peace by trying to hold onto it with the activities I mentioned since I believed I needed to meditate and all that to "achieve" peace.  Once I realized that, it's been much easier for me to actually be at peace because I know there's nothing I can do or hold onto that can bring me closer nor further from it, it's all about allowing.  With that said, I'm being put to test with this wisdom during this pregnancy.  Nobody knows I'm pregnant right now but me.  I'm afraid to tell my fiance because he's expressed not wanting another child for at least another year or so.  A part of me wants to put off telling him for as long as possible, but the stress of keeping it to myself is starting to get to me.  I'm afraid he's going to be very unhappy, he'll close himself off emotionally or worse, be angry and take it out on me, and there won't be any room left for me to express how I feel.  I'm not sure if I'm ready for another baby, but I know I'll embrace him/her when they're born.  My fiance probably will, too.  I keep trying to tell myself this, but I'm still really stressed.  Yoga has been helping, which is ironic since I know I don't *need* it to feel peaceful, but it has been helping.  I'm not very good at bringing up topics that are controversial or emotionally heavy, I really have no clue how to go about this.  I like to wait for it to come up naturally in a conversation, but some things just don't.  

[maydaymom10]

I'm so happy to see that this thread is getting active again -- and I know I've been away for awhile. I really need the support of this thread right now. Although I wouldn't say that I am feeling troubled in my pregnancy, but I definitely need to good reminders and support to keep myself more peaceful during the rest of this journey.

At about 17 weeks, I am starting to feel better. I am mostly over the nausea and beginning to get some energy back. I'm very grateful for the last because it's kept me from doing many of the activities that seem to calm me -- exercise, yoga, hiking. I am eager to get back to those. I am hoping that I can get DH on board to help me restore some peace by taking over kiddo duties some more at night so I can get some alone time to practice yoga without DS crawling on me. 

I think most of my unrest is coming from taking on too much lately, which is also leading to not sleeping well. I just really need to take a step back, evaluate what is necessary in my life right now and what I can cut out, and then sit back and enjoy my pregnancy. I'm just beginning to feel the little one moving around, which is helping me connect and feel confident that everything is OK. I love the idea of a gratitude journal. I feel that DH and I have had a lot of negativity surrounding us lately, basically focusing on the stressors that we are experiencing. I believe that taking some time to focus on the good things in my life would be really good for me, and lucky me -- I have an empty journal just waiting to be written in. 

I look forward to getting to know all of the new women more and learning from your advice and support. I hope everyone is off to a relaxing weekend. 

[Trickster]

hi all

I am new here, and I just spent the last 10 minutes pouring over every single response in this thread. If there is something I need more than anything else right now, it is peace. This year has just been insane, and is still spinning too fast for me.

My job has been extremely stressful all year, and I have been on the brink of a nervous breakdown since last fall due to conditions there. Add to that planning a wedding and spending your whole vacation NOT honeymooning but taking care of relatives from overseas, all the while renovating your apartment getting ready to sell it because we are moving to a new apartment in October. Getting a BFP on August 14, but still not sure how far along I am, waiting on a new position at work, still trying to work out the financial terms that will come from living in the new apartment, trying to organize movers, cleaners...

I feel so beat down. My pregnancy, so longed for and so anticipated, rests heavy with me as I don't feel I have had any time to just breathe and enjoy the fact that I AM GOING TO BE A MOTHER! Due to my menstrual cycle we are still not sure how far along I am, and that also has me obsessing. I really want to know. I could be anywhere between 9 and 13 weeks now! Or even as far along as 15. I have never been pregnant before, so I don't know! The midwife couldn't count based on my cycle, and the ultrasound isn't until the end of the week.

I feel hounded at work and in my private life. Everything is happening all at once, and I really just need a place to land and be able to breathe, feel the Earth moving and sit STILL.

Thank you for letting me rant.

[keeptryst]

Hi all. Nice to see so many new posts on this thread.

Trying to be mindful and peaceful and at one with life this pregnancy, but realizing that kind of mindset does not drop from the skies - it has to be worked for! I think the key to that is good food for the mind (trying to do some spiritual/inspirational reading everyday), and good activities to keep the hands busy. I read this beautiful insighful article that really spoke to me about the need to have something in one's life that demands sustained effort and creativity and discipline from the mind in order to exist. So I've decided that crochet fits the bill for me and even decided on my first project: Baby Dress Camille - never mind that I only know the basic crochet stitches and very sketchily at that, and have no idea if the baby is a girl or boy :)

A morning meditation session really makes a difference to my day, so trying to keep the practice regular. Plotting to join a prenatal yoga class starting Oct 1st.

13 weeks and a bit and felt distinctive gentle jabs/pokes yesterday! Like a little lightning flash had gotten loose in there, twinkling around in my belly. I had a big smile on my face, because I haven't done any ultrasounds/dopplers yet, and it is amazing to receive direct assurance from baby itself! :) Ladies, we are so blessed to be vessels of life. It's miraculous.

To me every hour of the light and dark is a miracle, Every cubic inch of space is a miracle. Every square yard of the surface of the earth Is spread with the same. . . 

What strange miracles are these! Everywhere . . .
  – Walt Whitman

[writinglove]

Hi all,

Love that this thread has been so active. Pregnancy is samurai training for life, is what I am learning! Man, the anxiety I have experienced over the past 15.5 weeks has been such a ride. I'm getting better at naming what is going on: I'm feeling anxiety; I'm grieving the loss of my son; I'm trying to feel in control of the uncontrollable, but it is a true challenge.

I came across a new article written by Sheryl Paul about the root of anxiety (death). I thought you might all appreciate it in your quest toward peace: http://conscious-transitions.com/the-secret-to-a-peaceful-life-or-the-fear-of-death/

[timesway]

Thanks Bena for pointing me in this direction. I also have the writing skills of a child (dyspraxic through and through) but I will do my best. I have had so many miscarriages I have lost count (5 ones from 6-12 weeks, many many more earlier) it has Been a terrifying 10 years since my first miscarriage aged 16.. At first I thought my body just wasn't ready.. I hadn't even left school and there I was pregnant tryin to work out if I could go through an abortion when instead I miscarried.. A year later I was in a long term stable relationship where we were engaged..this is when I stopped using contraception.. 6 years and multiple uncountable miscarriages later (most of which I hadn't got myself checked out after) we broke up.. My next major miscarriage didn't therefore happen til I was with my next long term partner.. This time it was later and incomplete .. I bled for 6 months solidly and it destroyed me, from then on I told the dr of each miscarriage and they believe me to of had them continuously for years. This time I got pregnant immediately after a 6 week miscarriage.. And this one feels strong.. I feel sick and my boobs hurt massively, I'm still terrified though. I also check my underwear for blood every second I get the chance. No matter how different this one feels I just cannot believe I'm going to be able to carry it.. 10 years of miscarriages made me believe id never carry a baby to term, so now I have one inside of me which so far is surviving.. I'm in utter shock and disbelief and I guess I just can't accept it yet.

Thankyou so far for all your stories, they are sad but refreshing to hear people feeling similar emotions to me. I'm terrified about the fact that going with this could lead me to so so much more hurt.. Hurt I know I will struggle to go through again.. But risk is important for us, otherwise we will never put our faith in a pregnancy again. And never have the chance to potentially bare a child..

Thankyou again to you all your stories are all so sad and beautiful xx

[pokeyAC]

I am hoping to revive this thread as several folks, including myself, have gotten BFP's over at A Saner TTC.  So far I am feeling pretty peaceful about everything and taking it one day at a time.  My betas have all been great and that makes us feel really good.  The hardest part is waiting and calling in for the results.  I can feel my heart rate rise while I am on the phone waiting for them to give me the number.  I also don't enjoy having my blood drawn very much as I have small veins, and I have been getting bruises on my arms.  I don't want to wear short sleeves so people can see them.  Other than that, everything is pretty good.  How are all of you doing?

[writinglove]

Welcome pokey! I'm so so so so happy to see you here! The 9th time was the charm!!!

AFM, I'm moving in and out of anxiety. Today I'm doing alright. Thank the Great Spirit! I tried to see if anyone in my tribe would lend me a doppler, but so far no go. Oh well. I'm going to take it day by day. I felt enough reassuring movement last night not to get too riled up. I've also spend some time meditating and listening to meditations, so I'm definitely feeling more centered. I've realized that part of the reason I don't feel self-trust is that I've been blaming myself for not being tuned in enough to realize that George was dying around 35 weeks. Although I did know on some level. I'm starting to forgive myself. I'd like to think that George is helping to direct the healing as he watches over me and his little sibling.

[keeptryst]

Congrats pokey! So good you made it over here

I've been languishing for want of really good books to read this pregnancy. My first pregnancy I'd find some uplifting book every couple weeks or so, but this time it's been a dry stretch. Occupying myself with crocheting, taking long walks and connecting with friends.

writinglove, glad to hear you're doing the inner work - so much of life is not within our control...sometimes it comes home to me so strongly that our notions of control is an illusion...so don't blame yourself mama. Lately I've been pondering a quote from Gandhi in the context of achieving that "perfect birth", and realizing the truth of what he says, "The outward freedom that we shall attain will only be in exact proportion to the inward freedom to which we may have grown at a given moment. And if this is a correct view of freedom, our chief energy must be concentrated on achieving reform from within." The only control we really have is from doing our inner work...not in trying to arrange external factors just so.

[timesway]

im feeling nervous.. i have my first scan next week.. but that also leads my way into my twelth week. There is a possibility for complications but im trying to think positively. I think i'm supposed to feel really great about the scan but i keep thinking its going to show my biggest fear.. i dont really know how to feel at the moment..

[beingmommy]

Hi, just coming over to join this thread from Saner TTC.  I got a BFP this morning!  It's very early.  CD 25 but I wanted to get into a place of support and positive thinking right away rather than focus on my "magical thinking" that I will jinx things if I have hope.

I am feeling surprisingly zen so far.  I thought the minute I got a BFP I'd start worrying about another m/c but I am staying calm and hopeful.

My plan is to keep myself busy.  I am doing Nanowrimo (fun thing you can join where you write a 50,000 word novel during the month of Nov) which should keep me very occupied (assuming I can keep up!).  I am also setting aside all my intense adventure/semi-violent tv shows and instead starting a steady diet of Jane Austen movies, romantic comedies, and happy tv shows (sitcoms, Gilmore Girls,etc . . .)   I just want to surround myself with fun, frivolous things that make me feel happy.  :)

Writinglove and pokeyAC 

Hi timesway, hoping your scan went well.

Peace to all.

[pokeyAC]

Hello everyone!

Welcome beingmommy!  It's so lovely to "see" you here.  I had a similar reaction with tv and movies.  When we were still TTC, I couldn't handle anything dramatic or depressing.  I would only watch comedies and fluffy stuff.  Now that I am pg, I can watch more dramatic stuff, but I don't think I can handle anything too tragic especially stories about babies or children.  I just don't want to hear it.

timesway - How did your scan go?  I hope you got to see a healthy little baby and heartbeat in there. 

writinglove - Thank you for the warm welcome.  I'm glad you are moving towards being able to forgive yourself and that George is helping you along.  I can understand why this would be a difficult time for you.

keeptryst - How is the crocheting going?  You reminded me that I had thought about knitting a baby blanket.  I will have to get on that ASAP.

AFM-I'm still feeling well and peaceful.  The blood tests are done and last week we had the first ultrasound.  We got to see our perfect little baby and see and hear its heartbeat.  I felt that everything would be fine, but it was wonderful to see it with my own eyes.  I still don't totally believe this is real, but I'm sure that will set in soon enough.  I have been taking a yoga class that is a mix of regular folks and prenatal women for about a year.  I started to help me conceive.  Now that I am pregnant, I am not quite sure how to transition to prenatal.  I haven't told my teachers yet because it seems so early and I can still do the regular poses, but I feel like I will need to let them know soon.  I saw the other pregnant women in class talking with each other because they were meeting for the first time.  I realized that I will need to start making some pregnant friends soon, but I'm not sure how.  Having a big pregnant belly will definitely draw more attention to me, and this is a time for me to work on being more outgoing.  One step at a time.

[writinglove]

Happy to see more new members!

Beingmommy, your plans for staying busy sound great. Keep us posted on your NaNoWriMo progress.

Keeptryst, how did your scan go?

Pokey, how is it going?

AFM, I'm having one of the better days I have had in a long time. There is no rhyme or reason for why I am feeling better, but I'll take it. Someone earlier on asked which meditations I have been listening to. After I lost George, I found the Anji Meditations for Pregnancy Loss, "A Soft Place to Land." I still listen to number three which is about staying open and feeling trust. http://anjionline.com/blog/newmeditationsforpregnancyloss/

I think I've also turned over a bit of a new leaf in terms of surrender. This morning as I was running my bath water I realized that I had to give this pregnancy up to the Universe/God. It is too early for me to know if there is something wrong, so my personal agency is so limited. I'm learning to be more kind to my constant vigilance, and I think the result is a softening of it.

peace to you all!

[beingmommy]

Writinglove, so glad to hear about your peaceful feelings!  I am going to check out those meditations too.  They sound wonderful.

PokeyAC, glad you are doing well too!  The yoga sounds lovely.

AFM: I struggled a lot with anxiety yesterday and the day before. I just made my first appointment for a viablity scan at 7ish weeks (about three weeks from now).  I got really anxious after that.  It made it real and made me realize that I had to make it to that date without any outward sign of a m/c AND THEN see a heartbeat.  And then I am still nowhere near out of the woods. Whew!  Scared.  

BUT I am doing better today.  I have been keeping to my more uplifting movies/show plan and doing Nanowrimo which is VERY distracting. I kept up my word count yesterday and am on track for today.  Yay!  It is very helpful because now I am starting to obsess about my characters and story instead of this pregnancy.  

My husband and I also do our gratitude journals together at night and I have noticed that I am more open to good things happening this pregnancy than I was during the last one.  

[heyitskalista]

Hi all! 

I just found out I'm pregnant this afternoon!  I have 3 wonderful children and had beautiful, peaceful pregnancies. 

I had a 2nd trimester miscarriage in June and I find myself already anxious about it happening again!  I cried when I saw those two lines...and not in the normal, happy way!

I'm so glad I found this thread! 

hugs to you all!!
 

[writinglove]

Hi all,

Since we have so many new people, I have decided to compile all of the helpful resources people have called out as being helpful in their pursuit of a peaceful pregnancy. The compilation is at the top of the thread in the OP.

If you have anything to add to the list, please let me know by bolding your addition.

I hope people find this exercise to be helpful. I know I truly appreciate a tribe of women who are working together to stay grounded during their pregnancies.

[Bena]

brilliant! Thank you writing love!!!