breaking down

[hummingbird135]

When I found out I was pregnant I was devastated. I never wanted kids and thought my whole life was going to be ruined. Ive never had anything to do with kids because I hated them.  How was I supposed to be a mom?  I was depressed the entire pregnancy.  My doctor prescribed me very mild antidepressants.  It took me a long time, the entire pregnancy, to open up to the idea of being a mom...then I got sick with pre eclampsia.  I had ridiculously high blood pressure (it never went lower than 150/85; the highest it went to was 186/121).  At seven months pregnant, I spent 3 weeks in the hospital before I got flown by ambulance plane 9 hours away from my home to a city where I had never been, I didnt know anyone, and was only given a half hour notice before getting sent off.  I have only three changes of clothes and didnt even have my debit card or credit cards.  I didnt need them in the hospital.  Well 4 days after arriving, my son was born via c-section because my organs started shutting down.  Great, i thought to myself, i didnt want a kid in the first place and the pregnancy is slowly killing me. My son was born at 29 weeks 4 days gestational age.  Today he is 19 days old.  His father, my fiance, is back in his town, 6 hours away and can only come see us every second weekend.  I am in the middle of moving from my town to his town, which is 6 and a half hours apart, before this whole thing happened. I am also in the midst of planning our wedding. Just finished my second year of university, and working full time. I had so many things going on and I was collapsing under the stress of it all.  Now, i feel like a failure of a mom already.  My son is in the NICU here, has an infection, and has been on the CPAP since birth. I can't hold things together for much longer.  Im in a strange city surrounded by strangers, dont know where anything is, and I cant open up about this face to face.  My fiance is the only one who knows how I feel and he is trying to encourage me to stay strong and that things will get better.  But every time i look at my son, i think of how i am at fault for seeing him hooked up to all those machines, getting poked and prodded every day by nurses with needles, and if i could have kept him inside of me, if my body didnt start failing, he would be okay, and i know he would make it through this but i dont know that. i cant look at him without hating myself for failing.  I am struggling.

[rubidoux]

I wish I could give you a hug, hummingbird.  You know, of course, it's not your fault, at all.  If you imagine this happening to someone else, you know you would never think it was their fault.  Is it possible that you could see a doctor there for your ppd?

I think, btw, that what you've described sounds like a truly miserable situation for having a baby  --  being away from home and without your partner and having no other support or event he comfort of a familiar place.  I think it's pretty natural to want to hole up in one's home with their new baby and the situation you're in is so far from that ideal.  It sounds really hard to me.  

[Mami_Feliz]

None of it is your fault. Be gentle on yourself. That sounds like an incredibly difficult and stressful situation even without factoring in being somewhere you don't know anyone. You've held it together for 19 days - you've done something amazing already. I'm sure your son will get stronger each day and your feelings will change as you see that. Is there anyone you can reach out to in this town? A mother's group, La Leche League? Just someone to be able to have a coffee with.

Sending you a big hug.

[gabrielam]

Dear Hummingbird,

how my heart goes out to you. Me too I never wanted to have children and found myself pregnant at 40 - and was devestatated. I had a supportive husband and trusting in God we went ahead. I had a very healthy pregnancy but delivered by emegency c-section. I then went into post partum depression. What was supposed to be such rose-coloured joyful and peaceful time turned into a nightmare. I had a "fussy baby" who cried a a lot, I got frustrated and desponded. I fought it, thinking if I just read more books, pray more, journal more, he would only sleep through the night... blablabla it would get better. Well when he was 9 months old I almost checked myself into psychward... Instead I finally got meds. It was like someone turned the lights insight of me... No, the meds were not the answere, I struggled three more years to find some that worked ok for me - but today my son is the MOST AMAZING THING that has ever happened to me. He is my teacher!

I wish I could send you a hug and hope. What worked for me was parenting according to Dr. Sears attachment parenting (check-out kellymom.com or read up on it). If you can't nurse just take what you like and leave the rest. The most important thing I did is ask for help. Let others help you. Need be go to  health nurse, or some other drop-in place where your experience can be normalized. The unbelievable challenges of motherhood is the greatest taboo in society. It is NOT all rosy and fun. As a matter of fact it is the hardest thing i have ever done in my life. Get conected (by email/webforums) with like-minded women. And: screw guilt. Excessive guilt is part of mothering and together with feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness the hallmarks of depression!!

Be good to yourself. Be very gentle with yourself. Be as kind and understanding and nurturing as you want to be with your child! And: allow other women to be there for your.

This too shall pass!

gabriela

[heatherfd]

Hummmingbird, he was delivered early for a very good reason , which is why both of you are still here . Please be kind to yourself as your situation sounds so stressful, and balming yourself wont change things .

Is there a social worker or mental health team involved wiht NICU ? An experienced nurse you can share your feelings with ? Another family member you can ring or skype to support you ?

MY heart goes out to you but please look for help on  the ground wiht those caring for you and your son.

Best wishes , Heather