Would you find out the sex if your DH didnt want to know?

[Adaline'sMama]

Dh doesnt want to know, but I know that he will be upset if it's a girl. He wanted a boy so bad before, and I know he is really sad that he doesnt have a son. I want to know- I need to know so that I can be prepared for my own feelings about the baby, but also so that I can be prepared to deal with his feelings.

If it's a boy, I would tell him. Here's why: He told me that he doesnt want to find out this time because if it's a girl he might be upset for the rest of the pregnancy. If we just have a girl and he sees her for the first time, he thinks he wont care, he will be excited and love her no matter what. Then he told me he wished there was a way that he could find out if it was a boy, but he knew he couldnt just ask the doctor to tell us if it was a boy, because if she didnt tell us anything he would know it was a girl.

So, the only logical thing I can think of is to ask the doctor to tell me but not tell DH- and not let DH know that I asked the doctor. Then, if its a girl I can keep quiet and if it's a boy I can tell him. And I can keep it quiet- it's not something I would leak out. Plus, Ive just "known" with my other two so if I started calling it "she" that wouldnt be abnormal.

Is that wrong? Do you think I should make a point to ask him if it is ok for me to find out?

Also, how have some of you convinced your partners to find out the sex? I didnt want to know last time, and he did and convinced me to find out. But, I have already made that point, and he doesnt seem to care.

[letileon]

I would find out, not really for the same reasons you are giving but more so, I feel that if one parent wants to know and one doesn't the one who doesn't shouldn't keep the other from finding out. That sounds confusing. Anyway, you get my meaning. I hope it all works out!

[MamanFrancaise]

I agree. If you want to know, ask. If your husband doesn't want to know, don't tell him. I think even if the baby is a boy - what an awesome surprise that would be for your DH at birth.

 

[kawa kamuri]

I have. I did it during my last pregnancy. 

[Adaline'sMama]

Thanks ladies

Kawa,
Did your partner know that you knew or did you just ask and not tell him? Did you tell him after the baby was born that you had found out? My only real fear is that if I know for 6 months and then the baby comes and I tell DH that I already knew that he might be upset. But I dont really see anyway to ask him, because if he knows that I know he will want to find out too.

[kawa kamuri]

Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama 

Kawa,
Did your partner know that you knew or did you just ask and not tell him? Did you tell him after the baby was born that you had found out? My only real fear is that if I know for 6 months and then the baby comes and I tell DH that I already knew that he might be upset. But I dont really see anyway to ask him, because if he knows that I know he will want to find out too.

He knew that it felt important to me not because the sex of the baby mattered, but because I felt very removed from the baby and thought it would help my prenatal bonding. He framed not wanting to know as he and his other babymama not finding out and....that just seemed a gross thing to emulate at the time. I didn't tell him I was going to find out before the US, he didn't go, but I told him afterward that I knew. I was fine keeping the secret but he asked and I told him and he never acted disappointed at me finding out.  

[Adaline'sMama]

Thanks !

I think I will ask the doctor to tell me. I have several weeks to contemplate this, but I'd like to have plenty of time to think it over. I dont think DH would be mad, and it's really important to me.

[Sharlla]

if you want to find out then find out but dont tell him the sex and dont be buying blue or pink stuff. 

[Adaline'sMama]

Thanks Sharlla

Honestly, I dont think Ill have to buy anything this time. Maybe a new changing pad. I really like brown. Also, my sister is pregnant, so if I buy anything pink I can just pass it off as being for her. (so bad, I know....)

[Lissli]

Originally Posted by kawa kamuri 

I have. I did it during my last pregnancy. 

ditto, the last two actually... both were girls.

[JudiAU]

I don't think any good comes from one partner knowing.

I will say that in my experience that it really helps to find out gender if you fear gender dissappointment. My sister had this situation and they both needed the time to grieve over what they thought was a loss. By the time the baby was born they are able to delight in the birth.

[Adaline'sMama]

I'm sure I will be happy no matter what after the baby comes.

I'm looking to feel a great bond with this baby, because part if me is terrified to get attached to another child. Of course I fear his gender disappointment, but at the same time, i fear having another boy. Part of me just really needs to know if I am going to be given another boy baby after birth. I dont want any suprises, because Im sure its going to be hard enough to hold another infant in my arms.

[cat13]

Sorry, I voted before I read your post. I originally voted "no" because I am so bad at carrying secrets and I'd spill in a matter of weeks. But in your situation, I think you should find out.

[erigeron]

I think it would be okay in your situation but you would want to watch how you handled the name discussion if you knew you were having a girl and your husband didn't and was still suggesting boy names. I don't think I could bluff in that situation. If you already have names picked you would probably be okay.

[hildare]

we didn't find out with h, but i went to the ob by myself with b, and i am very impulsive. 

impulsive and a blabbermouth, so i was quite unable to keep it mum as well. 

just going by the interactions with the other people we decided not to tell, it's really super-duper hard to not say one way or the other or not slip up with pronouns.  i can't imagine keeping that to myself once i knew, though you're probably much better at not saying too much than i am.