Houseguests after baby arrives « Back to Group Discussions

[eleuthia]

We don't have any family nearby (and don't really have friends/community here to help out), so I'm very grateful that our families plan to travel here both before & after the baby (our first) arrives. My sister A (& my 10yr old niece) will be here for the 2 weeks before my due date. Then my mom arrives for 10 days with my sister C (but she'll come out earlier or come back later if the baby arrives early/late) & dad will fly out when the baby's here. After that, my sisters E & H will be here for a week with  my 1yr old nephew. There's a week when no one will be here (unless I give birth 2 weeks after my due date, in which case mom will be here). Then my partner's sister & her husband & 3yr old son will be here for the first week of September. 

All of these people are planning on staying with us (guest room and/or aerobed in the living room), though my mom & dad will probably go stay in a hotel once dad gets here since he needs to sleep on a real bed rather than a futon/aerobed. I'm pretty comfortable around my family - I probably wouldn't hang around completely topless, but seeing boobs for breastfeeding is completely normal. They wouldn't expect me to cover up, and my mom & sisters who breastfed/are breastfeeding should even be able to help with minor issues if I need it. I'm not going to have the same comfort level around my partner's family, especially his brother-in-law, which worries me a little. 

We live in Philadelphia, which fortunately has plenty of things to do/see, so I'm hoping these visitors will actually spend lots of time out of the house during the day so I don't feel overwhelmed or like I have no privacy. And my partner won't be taking much time off work (no paid time off, so we can't afford it) so he'll be away 4 evenings a week, and I might really welcome having *someone* around to make sure I get to eat & go to the bathroom. But what if I'm having a hard time and just want to be left alone, or we just want to bond with the baby by ourselves? I don't think I could ask any of them to go stay in a hotel, since they're already sacrificing time & money to be here (& decent hotels nearby aren't cheap). I really think that it will be better for us to have people here, even if we get a bit sick of them, than to be completely alone with a new baby, but what if I'm wrong? 

Are you planning on having houseguests after your baby's arrival?  If you've done it before, was it more helpful than annoying? How did you handle it when you needed privacy? 

[sallyrae17]

I found that after two weeks, my partner and I were ready to have the house to ourselves again. Don't get me wrong, I loved having help (it was the same situation with us - I had no family or close friends and they flew down to see us), but I just wanted to get to know my little guy and figure out our new lives together. So, my mom was actually with us for 3 days after my son was born and my partner's mom stayed with us for about 2 weeks. We flew home when my son was 6 weeks old so everyone could meet him. That trip was rather intense because we had to drive all over the state of MN in about 10 days, but it was nice in that we could leave whenever we needed/wanted to. This time around, though, our family is much closer and I'm incredibly thankful for it. I know I'm going to need a lot of help with my son right after the baby is born because I won't be able to give him the attention that he'll need (such as chasing him around the house and outside). 

As for the privacy question, my partner's mom is totally mellow and doesn't infringe at all on us. She would cook and clean and just do whatever we needed her to do without feeling too overwhelming. It honestly all depends on the personalities of the family members who are coming! Also, your family members might be a little more excitable since it's your first baby!

Retreating to your room is always a great option, if you can!

[andaluza]

I'm interested in this question because we don't have any family close and few people able to visit us. We decided that my parents will fly down for a few weeks in mid September and not earlier because they do not do well in the heat and it will be more comfortable for them then. So our son may be a month old before we get much help. Dh's school year starts right around when I'm due, so it is doubtful that he'll take more than a week. We have friends and acquaintances (none very close) and I'm not sure how much help we will be comfortable accepting. I guess my concern is that we will be pretty alone and I may love it or I may have to end up changing my mom's ticket if I'm too overwhelmed.

[eleuthia]

I'm sure we'll all adapt, though I think this is a time when it's ok to be frank with family about what we need (whether it's "get here NOW" or "get outta my face for awhile"). With my own parents/sisters, I don't think I'll have a problem doing that, and they won't get offended if I shut myself in my room for awhile. I am more worried about my partner's sister/BIL/nephew visiting - I am pretty introverted and socializing/entertaining people is mentally exhausting to me in normal circumstances, so I don't know what I'm going to do when my partner's at work and I'm there alone with them while figuring out a routine with my newborn. Hopefully their own routine with the nephew will take up some of that time. 

Also, since a 1yr old and 3yr old will be visiting, we'll need to childproof our place a bit earlier than I'd planned. Fortunately, the sister coming out before I'm due likes to organize things, so she'll be happy to help me figure it out. And she'll help me clean anything we don't get to (which at the moment is... everything). 

[NewMumJoy]

Yeah, there's definitely a balance between getting the help you need and having the space/privacy to soak in that precious new life in your world.  When my brother and SIL had their 2nd baby this year, both our families took turns spending a week+ at their house to help out (we all live states apart from each other).  By the time I arrived for my week, my niece was 1 month old and they hadn't been "alone" yet - they were ready for some space!  I think it's important to communicate to your guests how they can help you out - and to create some space for yourself by setting some boundaries and expectations in advance....

My MIL was originally going to come 2 weeks before my due date to keep me company and help with preparations (freezer meals, etc).  But now that FIL plans to come too I felt overwhelmed to have us all sitting here just "waiting" for the baby - so we moved up their invitation to arrive on my due date (w/the hopes that baby will be here by then).  I'd rather have the house to myself/DH/Doula during labor and they'll certainly be more helpful after the birth (MIL was once an LLL chapter leader and she's verrrry much into "mothering").  Rest and recovery will be my priority during their visit and I'll warn them that my bedroom is my sanctuary - and I'll be closing that door as needed!  My Mom comes 2 wks after my due date (for a 1 week stay).  She's the super-hands-off-give-plenty-of-space type (almost to a fault) so I'll just have housekeeping instructions for her.  Then we're on our own (w/DH gone at least every other w/e) until we move to the east coast in October.....

Originally Posted by eleuthia 

...I am pretty introverted and socializing/entertaining people is mentally exhausting to me in normal circumstances, so I don't know what I'm going to do when my partner's at work and I'm there alone with them while figuring out a routine with my newborn...

Yeah, that's totally me - I'm the type who spends more time worrying about being a good hostess, rather than just enjoying their company.  I can easily leave my own family to their own devices, but not my in-laws.  I'm hoping that I'll be able "let it all go" this time around, since Baby is going to trump everything.

[Mama Chickadee]

With our first newborn, my parents stayed here about 2.5 days after she was born, and they were really helpful. They were close by though, so they were here right after the birth, and then went back shortly thereafter. On the other hand, DH's parents live in a different country, so they flew in for 4 weeks when DD was 6 weeks old. His mom is a good cook/cleaner, and DH and I really looked forward to having her come. So imagine my shock when she arrived and basically announced she was here to be on vacation and spend time with her first grandchild. DH was working all the time, and I was too timid to just speak up and say what I needed/wanted, so I ended up cooking, cleaning, entertaining, and taking care of a sick baby all night long (because of course MIL gave her a cold within days of her arrival), and dealing with all sorts of family drama. It was an awful experience.

So, I strongly advise that you decide well in advance what you expect of people coming to visit, and communicate that to them in the way that is most appropriate - phone conversation, e-mail, neon checklist posted to the fridge - whatever works. Do you want help grocery shopping, with laundry, walking the pooch, or taking baby for a walk so you can take an hour nap? Again, make a list. Make sure you communicate to them that you hope to spend time with them, but that of course, with a baby, you have no idea how things will be going while they visit, and they are going to have to roll with however life is going in your house. Finally, I don't know what your sleeping arrangements are, or how thick your walls are, but babies cry at night, and it can be really stressful in my opinion, to deal with a crying baby when other people are sleeping, and worrying about whether you are disturbing their sleep. So - another thing to mention to visitors that, sorry, but when the baby is awake, the whole house might be awake, and that is what daytime naps are for. This will most likely be the most stressful with the 1 and 3 year old kids who are visiting.

Hopefully, everyone will be on board, and it will be a pleasant visit. It can be really nice to have verbal people around when you are spending 24/7 attached to a little person :)

[Ninetales]

The only overnight guests I can see having would be my in-laws, since they will be moving before the baby comes and will probably want to be close by.  If I didn't want them to stay overnight they could also stay at my sister-in-law's so I'm not worried.  My mother in law is also very helpful and will cook, clean, do laundry, etc so I can just be with the baby.

[Lizbiz]

I didn't have family nearby when I gave birth to my first, and my parents couldn't come until the baby was about 4-5 weeks old or so.  Then my sister came the following week (it was as soon as she could get time off).  So we were on our own for the first month and my husband took a week off when the baby was born.  It was fine - for the most part - just hanging on our own.  We had friends who brought us meals/did dishes and that helped a lot, and some visitors - but outside of that - it was just us! 

I personally look back on that time as a really special time when I became a mom in the quiet of my own home. Don't get me wrong - it's hard work being the parent of a newborn - but I did enjoy the ability to just sort of do it on my terms.  And I carried that with me into my second birth - I was in China and so family coming was pretty much impossible - but I was actually glad we were just us.  This 3rd time, no one is planning to come again, and that's fine - I think everyone realizes that we've got this!  

I'm also a bit big on forming our own routines with our family unit and also, I'm a pretty confident person in general - so although I've always really appreciated help and input (my mom and sister's input with my first son was invaluable!) - I am fairly at ease thinking my husband and I can figure things out together and reach out for help when we need it.

So I think it comes down in part to personality - Eleuthia - having that many people on board to visit me before/after the birth would honestly be too much for me.  But I have friends for whom your circumstances would simply be a joy.  I would just prepare yourself to be very comfortable - no matter whose side of the family your houseguests are from - telling everyone exactly what your and the baby's needs are.  People who are visiting should be prepared and expect to be helpful - with cooking/cleaning/baby-holding/whatever! - and should be prepared to put their needs second when necessary.  If I were visiting, that's what I would expect to do.  

[Veritas Vitae]

Good thread topic! 

I had several concerns about house guests after baby arrives.  B and I are quiet people and we like our house to be a clean and calm place.  Obviously, things will change once Q comes, but, like others mentioned, I felt like it would be really overwhelming to have a bunch of guests staying at the house as we tried to acclimate to becoming a family.  The idea of quietly holing up together with the three of us sounded fantastic.  At the same time, I knew I would have a really hard time not having the support of my family close by.  In Florida, it would have been great because we could have had family visit, but then they could go home.  Here, if family visits, they will need to stay with us.  My concerns were partially allayed by the fact the my mother will be moving up here, but will live in her own apartment, she was actually my biggest concern because of how much attention she can require at times.  Also, she would be coming up with my sister and her four girls.  I will be really glad to have my sister here, but I was overwhelmed by the thought of having a 9, 6, 3 yo, 5mo, and NB in the house. Mostly based on my experience staying at my sister's house when my youngest niece was born. It was super hectic and the girls were really excited about having a little sister, which meant they were all trying to climb all over her and touch her, dress or undress her...which, while being overwhelming, but manageable to my sister with her fourth baby, would probably be completely nerve-wracking for me as a first time mother. It turns out the 9yo and 6yo will be back in school, so they will stay in Florida, and my sister will come up with the 3yo and the then 5-ish mo.  This will be nice because B, Q and I will have one room and private bathroom, and twinny and her two littles will have the other room and bathroom.  There will be no one sleeping in the common areas of the house.  Also, since my mom will be living close by, she will be able to help out with watching the 3yo.

My two other sisters likely won't be visiting for a couple of months.  One just bought a house and the other is looking at houses, so their money will be a bit tied up for a bit.  B's parents will likely visit often, but only on the weekends, as they live only 5 hours away. Additionally, his little sister is only 10yo and still in school, and they have a farm, so it is hard for them to make longer trips.  A friend of mine will also come up to visit with her son, who will be just about 1yo, but we will have sometime between visits to reset, so to speak.  I think that will be key for us. 

I'm super excited about having my sister here for the birth.  She is so knowledgeable and will be so supportive during the entire process.  I know she will respect my hands-off nature and give me the space I need, but will also offer me the support and guidance I need during the labor.  She will be acting as doula for me, and I think I am also going to get her to act as birth photographer, with strict instructions that NO photos are to be posted to any public forums without my prior approval.  I tend to be a little more private than her, and originally did not want any birth photos, but I've seen some really beautiful ones and I would like to have them for us as a family.  I plan on getting a nice camera in the next month or so and she has a really great eye.

[Sol_y_Paz]

That would totally overwhelm me to have that many guests with a newborn after the drop in hormones, hospital, and learning how to BF when I am modest to begin with.   I enjoy people a lot but am introverted by nature and with guests in my home it would be impossible not to feel the need to play good host, combine that with my love for keeping things clean and tidy and of course keeping up a healthy diet daily so not sure how it would work.  But I know everyone is different and it is generally advised not to turn down offers of help.  I would think a 2nd baby would require more help than the first if the first born is still a baby or toddler.  

[Tizzy]

We just don't do house guests when the baby is born because we prefer to jump into our new "normal" right away :)

After my first, I really wanted a few days just to ourselves but we didn't know how to say "no".  It was utterly exhausting, although people usually brought food, they still wanted to sit and visit whereas I wanted to nap or nurse laying down or what have you.  Or even just hold my own baby! Everyone's so keen to hold the new baby...

For the second and third, we told everyone ahead of time that we wouldn't be having visitors for a week, but if we felt up for it sooner, we'd let people know.

That worked really well!   We were able to adjust to our new family at our own speed without having to worry about anyone else's needs. I think one was 5 days before we had anyone visit, the other was a week then we met both sides of the family at the same time to also celebrate a couple birthdays.

Now it's old hat, we know how to speak up and tell people we're not ready for company, I'm also not too shy to tell them I want the baby back when they're passing it around.  It still ruffles feathers, but hello! It was solely mine for 10 months, you can't just expect me to be perfectly fine when he/she is out of my arm's reach! lol

[eleuthia]

I think I will see *my* family less as guests and more as... servants there to indulge my every whim. 

It will be harder for me to ask my partner's family to do things for me, but HE can easily be the one to relay our needs, and hopefully we will have that week to ourselves before they arrive so we'll have figured out what we can do on our own & what we could use help with. 

[Thursday Girl]

don't be afraid to speak up and ask for help or let them know what you want (says the woman who still can't do that after four kids), it can be totally overwhelming. Better to let people know how you feel than to build up resentment or annoyances.

[eleuthia]

I just started a shared document with my partner that has lists for things we need help with before baby & after baby arrives (obviously this will evolve) as well as things to do/places to go (with & without kids) and shopping/restaurants/delivery. I'm thinking it will help to have some of this prepared beforehand. 

[andaluza]

Ugh, I just had a small emotional breakdown on the phone with my mom about their visit. She has got the whole month off but wants to come for a few weeks and also have more than a weekend to recuperate at home after the visit.

I think it's way too hot for my parents to come at the beginning of Sept, and I also know I'll be more inclined to take the baby places later in the month when he may be over a month old, so I was pushing for the later the better, but she didn't seem very enthusiastic.

One thing is certain, my parents are very active--mom especially--so I don't really believe her when she says they just want to be here in the ac. By active I mean that they need lots of entertaining and get bored easily. Dh and I like to do things within reason, but we are perfectly content at home. My mom is content if we are out for breakfast through dinner and tends to go stir crazy.

In the midst of this conversation, my mom mentions how it would be great if they could take their newest puppy along (pomeranian). I.e that would make staying at the house much nicer for them. I already told her weeks ago that I didn't think it would be a good idea because our cat is very sensitive to them as guests as it is, add to that a new baby for her to adjust to and then a young active dog about her size? Her making this comment just kind of tipped me over the emotional edge and I now am having a hard time envisioning this being a nice, helpful visit.

Now I am wondering if they really should come for a full 2 weeks or just for one, or something in between. Mom is trying to say that I should make the decision according to my needs and whatever works best for me is great for them, but this is all new to me and I have absolutely no idea how I am going to feel and what I am going to need!? She has told me that her own mom (who lived 10 minutes away) drove her mad when she would visit after she had me because all she wanted to do was hold the baby, when my mom wanted her to cook or do housework. I know those are not the strong points of my parents and I can't see them doing that work, although it seems as though she understands how she could be helpful in theory.

Augh, what do I do? I am inclined to think that the personalities they have now as parents are the personalities they will have as grandparents. So I should not expect them to behave differently because of the baby, even though they have said that this visit is to meet the baby and help us. Am I wrong? Am I being an emotional wreck and too pessimistic about this? I don't know what to think and I fear the decision is all on me. 

[Sol_y_Paz]

Andaluza, don't feel bad - just looking at the facts you are not being overly emotional.  The past history (for example them being busy people, get bored easily, not really into housekeeping) is probably realistically a good indicator of what you can reasonably expect.  And about pets, they are great.  Guests/visitors bring dogs to our home in normal circumstances.  But that is not the time for dogs, much less a puppy.  But most especially since you already discussed that topic as not being helpful, welcomed, or a good idea due to your other pet.  I have no idea what I would do in your situation and really have no constructive advice but I don't think you are being overly emotional about it!  

[ithappened]

Andaluza I was just coming to post something really similar about my parents. I have similar concerns- my dad is very active- he needs a schedule. Things to do all the time or he gets crazy. They aren't very helpful with my DS already and I also am having a hard time imaging their visit will at all be a helpful one- they aren't comfortable around small babies at all- when DS1 was a baby if Ieft him with them they would call me the second he started to cry or needed a diaper changed.

this is all new to me and I have absolutely no idea how I am going to feel and what I am going to need!? She has told me that her own mom (who lived 10 minutes away) drove her mad when she would visit after she had me because all she wanted to do was hold the baby, when my mom wanted her to cook or do housework.

this is also me. twins are totally new to me and I have no idea what state I will be in, but my parents aren't much for cooking- I can't even get them to go to the grocery store here alone-- I have to pretty much do everything while they are here- including making my dad his 10 cups of coffee every morning in our little french press.. Its only worse because they don't speak the language even a word of it, and they are so dependent on their US way of life (whole foods, starbucks etc) that when they come here and there isn't any of that, they just freeze up in fear.

Augh, what do I do? I am inclined to think that the personalities they have now as parents are the personalities they will have as grandparents. So I should not expect them to behave differently because of the baby, even though they have said that this visit is to meet the baby and help us. Am I wrong? Am I being an emotional wreck and too pessimistic about this? I don't know what to think and I fear the decision is all on me.

In my experience my parents didn't change, if anything they got more clueless (sorry that sounds hard but its very true). They are just bad with little kids- I think when DS is older it will be easier but right now both my DH and I agree they are more trouble then help when they are around. They don't change diapers, they just feed DS ice cream for all meals, teach him dumb tricks (like how to spit water across the table when we're out to eat). Last time they came to 'help' they ended up going out to dinner every night because after 2 hours with DS1 in the afternoon would 'need a good dinner and a good nights sleep' and had no problem just walking away from us to do that, even if we were so exhausted we were sick (which we were during that visit).

Sorry I am probably not helping matters. Are they staying with you? If they aren't that could save some sanity right there if things don't work out or they aren't helpful.. just to have the space but its hard when you have no idea what you will need and then expect you should already. ..

As for visits, if you have a vaginal birth- I remember 3-8w after birth being really hard for us- we were super exhausted, the babymoon had warn off and we were pretty sick of pizza delivery and in major need of a good apartment cleaning.. could you give them a list of 'to dos' once they are here so that they have things to do which would be helpful? or even give them specific meals you'd like to have (have them cook 2x the amount so you can freeze half for later) and give them to this before hand so they can decide upfront if its something they want to do and for how long?

[andaluza]

Thanks, ladies! Sol_y_paz, thanks for your reasoned response! There is something about the tone of voice that my mother uses in these situations that makes me cry and then I question my own rationality.

So sorry you are dealing with similar fears and concerns, Ithappened, and thanks for sharing your experience. I can only imagine how much more difficult it is in another country, which is why we have dropped the idea that my MIL even consider coming. It would just be too much for her to even get on the plane, although I do believe she would be over the moon just in the house with us and the baby. Yeah, they are staying with us, so there will be no escape. This is a huge non-pedestrian friendly city and they would have to drive places on their own if they wanted to have some time away from the house, which makes me a little nervous. I think the list of specific things for them is a good idea, since it will make them feel needed and useful but also in control (they can decide when and how to tackle the tasks).

This morning my dad emailed me to suggest that one of them come for longer and another for a shorter amount of time (so they can work something out with my brother and they don't have to board the dogs), so it seems as though they've given it a little more thought. I think I'll just give it a few more days and see what idea they come up with. I also got worried because my mom started saying she'd change her leave dates until mid-Sept--mid-Oct but what if I need her to come earlier in the month because I need help (dh will be back to work at the latest by the beginning of Sept., probably sooner). Then she said I could get a Dr. note stating that I needed help so she could take some time through FMLA, but that doesn't sound right. Augh, all these unknowns...

[ithappened]

Augh, all these unknowns...

I know :) makes me nuts!
 

[sarahdb]

Does anyone have any advice for my situation? We haven't lived here very long, so we don't have a lot of friends in the area, and we have no family here. I'm due Aug. 20th, and my mom is getting anxious about getting her tickets to come for after the baby is born. I have a strong feeling that I'm going to go at least a week, if not more, past my due date. All along, DH and I have been thinking we want several days to a week with just the two of us and the baby--it feels like such a special time to share as a new family. We're also pretty quiet and private people, AND we live in a tiny 1-bedroom apartment. We like visitors, but we're always glad to have our space back.

So over the weekend my mom told us that she asked for the last week of August and first week of September off of work so she can come and visit/help. My first reaction is, "Noooo...." First of all, although we mostly have a good relationship, she takes a lot of emotional energy to have around. I'm just imagining me during the last week of August, huge and past my due date, getting more and more impatient to be done with being pregnant--and then having to answer her thousands of questions and respond to all her comments. I'm the kind of person who withdraws and wants to be alone when I'm feeling overwhelmed/irritated/emotional--she's the complete opposite. Then there are the logistics. We're planning a homebirth, and I don't want her here for the birth. But where would she go? And then finally, we wouldn't get that time alone as a new family that DH and I want so much.

The problem is that she really wants to come the last week of August because she has to use up vacation time before the end of August. So in that sense I feel guilty because if I tell her not to come until well into September, I'll feel like I'm wasting her vacation time somehow. I'm also worried about hurting her feelings or making her think we're ungrateful for her offers of help. Ugh.

It's so hard to plan these things when people need to know in advance and we're working with such a large window of time. Do we play it safe and just make plans assuming I will go the full 2 weeks overdue? I'm afraid that letting people come any earlier will just make me too anxious, and that's the last thing I want to feel during the end of this pregnancy and going into birth. So there is a part of me that just wants to pick a hard date, like Sept. 8th, and say "no visitors before then."

On the other hand, are DH and I just being naive about how we're going to be able to handle everything? Since we're having a homebirth, the midwife will be coming by very regularly after the birth, so we won't be completely alone. And DH will be taking 2-3 weeks off of work. So I won't be totally on my own. In some ways, I'm more nervous about when DH goes back to work. I think that is when I'll really want the extra help. But again, am I being naive about all of this? Will I realize we've made a huge mistake, and want my mom there immediately? Or can DH and I handle things for a week by ourselves in our own quiet, low-key way?