Houseguests after baby arrives - Page 2 « Back to Group Discussions

[poppylove]

Hi Sarah,

I know this is so tricky. 

I would definitely plan on giving yourself the full two weeks past due date. I don't blame you at all for not wanting her there before hand.

Besides, the final weeks before baby arrives is such an important time with your dh. A time to relax, go to the movies, do casual grocery shopping. Just momentous bonding time and alone time that will never come again. (In my opinion)

It is so different for everyone's family and I can only speak from my own experience with my mom. The help afterward was great. She really cleaned, cooked, and held our baby while I slept. She was also essential in helping me get over the "new mom" jitters. I literally didn't feel comfortable holding my baby at first, or attending to her. I just felt unprepared. Maybe this is different for you. I had never even seen a newborn before up close!

Two weeks is a long time, so perhaps you could request she only come the first week of September, which technically you could still be waiting for baby. 

One final thought, it seems as if the weeks leading up to labor go really fast. I was just shy of 42 weeks with dd, and the final weeks of waiting were really calm and peaceful. (and so exciting)

I am hoping it will be the same for you 

[ithappened]

Just momentous bonding time and alone time that will never come again. (In my opinion)

agreed.

I would definitely plan on giving yourself the full two weeks past due date. I don't blame you at all for not wanting her there before hand.

agreed again :)

My parents are coming about 2-3 days after my c-section and I REALLY wish they were coming about a month later-- at least with DS1 thats when I really needed the help and the exhaustion kicked in the most/hardest/

[NewMumJoy]

sarahdb - I would definitely plan in the extra time for yourself!!  I think those days just before and after the birth are special and should be savored by only you and DH.  I also think that your family's presence and support will be way more useful after the birth.....and you also have support from your MW in the meantime for that first week or two alone....

I'm in a very similar situation myself and our families' visitation plans have been in constant flux since my last post in this thread....

ALL of our family/friends live a good distance from us.  My MIL was originally going to fly here before the birth, but then FIL wanted to come too (and given that they wanted to stay postpartum that easily meant a 1 month visit w/two very "enthusiastic" people!!)  So we moved their visit to my due date (hooooping that baby would arrive BEFORE then and we'd thus avoid the crowd during my labor)...and so they would drive here together (about a 12hr trip).  BUT we also have the tricky task of bringing DH's 10 yr old daughter to meet her new stepbrother and be included in this special time.  My inlaws volunteered to pick her up on their roadtrip to Canada (she lives 5hrs from them in the opposite direction, w/her mother).  That seemed like the best option since otherwise DH would have to leave me (and baby) twice to fly to MI to pick her up, fly w/her here, and then fly back w/her to MI (resulting in 3 expensive rt flights, and lost precious time at home, when I need him the most)......it also seems a good idea to have DD visit with my inlaws so that we have some extra hands to entertain her (which would otherwise super stress me out).

Well, after some thought, that plan still didn't sit right w/me as there remains the possibility that I could go past my due date and thus have both inlaws plus a 10yr old hanging around during my last days of pregnancy - NOT an ideal situation for me personally!!  And when I thought of them all waiting at our house upon our return from the hospital, I felt robbed of those special first days that I only want to share w/DH and Baby.  So we told them to hold off their trip until 1 week after Baby is born - whenever that may be - so that DH and I have that time alone first.  This of course means that we need the ultimate flexibility from everyone, including DD's mother (for all to leave for 2wks on very short notice).  We have no commitment from DD's mom yet - she has a very bitter relationship w/DH unfortunately - so everything still hangs in the balance.........

And standing by the wayside during all of this is my own Mom who will be flying out for 1 week at some point.  So far she's had to revise her vaca/time-off requests 3x and is now just putting everything on hold (bless her patient soul!) until we give the green light and buy her a last-minute ticket (probably at the end of August).  

I don't know how this is all going to end up, but I'm standing firm on our request to have that 1st week w/Baby alone to ourselves!

[sarahdb]

Thanks, everyone, for your wise responses! They were very reassuring, and I feel better about asking my mom to wait a little while longer before she comes. We'll see how she responds, but I tried to word it very nicely and with a grateful tone.

[andaluza]

Reviving this thread to see how things are going now that some of the babies are here and births are more imminent. 

Newmum, I read on the weekly thread about you hoping to have some time with the baby before the inlaws and sd arrive. I really feel for you and hope that the baby comes soon so you have a few days for you and your dh to get to know the baby before they arrive. 

Sarah, how did things go with your mom?

AFM, help! I though we knew what was going to happen, and now it turns out that things are still unsettled about my parents' visit. I thought they had decided to drive down together, but it turns out that hidden in this plot was the fact that my dad would be bringing the new puppy/dog. I think I wrote about this here, but I already clearly told my mom no dog, so apparently my dad is just completely delusional and refuses to believe that I would prohibit him from bringing his baby here (this would be over a 24 hr drive, mind you). Ugh, this is so frustrating.  

They went to Maine last weekend as a dry run to see how the dog was on a long trip, but had a complaint at the hotel about the dog barking. My dad talked to me that night and was really defensive about the complaint, but it just got me thinking more when my mom brought it up again today. Can I budge? Do I really want a yippy and unfamiliar dog (pomeranian) in my house with a newborn? No, which is what I had already told her! Plus, seeing my dad's reaction to a complaint just confirms that it will not go down well and the dog will cause tension. We already have a cat who is the queen of the house and I anticipate her being stressed out with the baby's presence, so I don't want to compound that, as well. with my parents and an unfamiliar dog.  My adult brother lives with them, but can't be trusted with so much responsibility (?!), since last time my dad visited on his own one of the other dogs escaped for 12 hours in the woods behind their house in the middle of a snowstorm when my brother let her outside while my mom was at work.

So, now it looks like my mom and dad will fly down separately during the month of September. However, somehow my dad has been playing up a dislike of flying issue (it's a 3-4 hr direct flight) and now I'm afraid he won't even agree to fly. It also makes me sad to think that this dog is seemingly more important than seeing his only grandchild. I think I have to stop thinking about this and hope he'll agree to the separate visits and flying on his own. 

Sorry for the long-winded diatribe, ladies! If anyone has the patience to read all that and comment, I really appreciate it. 

[eleuthia]

andaluza, i think you should definitely hold firm on NO DOG! i hope your dad will fly to see you & the baby - it seems like a reasonable solution. 

my sister A arrived last wednesday and it's been pretty great. she is very "type A" and somi'etimes i have to beg her to just SIT DOWN for a second but she's pushed me to sort through lots of clothes and boxes of papers and things are really coming together. she's also cooking for us and running errands and will be doing sewing (including making a cool slipcover for a chair for the nursery) and is generally making the last-minute preparations so much easier for us. and she is enjoying time away from her regular life (she has 2 kids, 2 dogs & a husband back home) - she gets to sleep in and read before starting the day! 

my mom & sister C arrive this wednesday and it'll be a bit more chaotic for a couple days (A leaves on friday) but they'll have a CAR which will make life easier. i'm hoping the baby decides to arrive shortly after they do! sisters E & H (and my 1yr old nephew L) arrive on the 22nd to help out postpartum. i feel really lucky that i get all this help! i am still a bit nervous about my partner's sister/BIL/3yr old nephew visiting the first week of september, but hopefully they will go out and do things on their own while they're here. 

[sallyrae17]

Andaluza - Yeesh. That sucks. I wouldn't want someone else's dog in my house with a new baby either. Dog boarding isn't an option for your dad at all? Maybe you could board the dog somewhere near you when they arrive. ;) Either way, it sucks that you are put into this situation when you are so hormonal and pregnant. 

[LilyTiger]

I'm in sort of the opposite situation from a lot of you.  My entire family (except my mom) are all going to our remote cabin in the woods this weekend, so if I don't have the baby this week everyone will be gone when I actually do have it.  That makes me pretty sad.  I'm also trying to balance keeping my MIL involved (she's very helpful and non-intrusive, but still not my actual mom) with my mom's desire to come help out.  Both are tripping over themselves to not get in the way of the other one, but since it's my mom's first grandchild I sort of feel like she should get to hang around a bit more.  I don't want anyone feeling left out though.  And both would be very helpful at cleaning, making meals, and comforting crying babies (and moms), so I think I'm in pretty good shape either way.

Andaluza, NO DOG!  That's insane.  As a dog person (we have three), I can safely say that it's completely ridiculous to expect other people to put up with a dog, not to mention a puppy, and even more so when those people have a newborn.  Puppies are VERY high maintenance and it's not fair to you, the baby, the dog, or your cat to be put in that situation.  That's really frustrating that your dad can't just board the dog or trust your brother for long enough to come visit his grandchild.  I don't quite understand that kind of thing.  I would put your foot down and hope he realizes what's more important.  You are being totally reasonable to make that request.  Is your mom afraid to be more of an intermediary?

Eleuthia, that's great you get so much help.  I'm thinking I'll want a week of just sort of quiet time with the baby, but after a few weeks I could see really welcoming visitors.  I'm not sure how it all works though because some moms have said the exhaustion really kicks in a few weeks postpartum, making company who can't take care of themselves much less attractive.  Sounds like your folks will either be helpful or stay out of the way.    

[NewMumJoy]

Thanks Andaluza!  I'm so sorry to hear about these developments concerning your Dad's visit and the dog!!  Definitely not fair to you and your needs, I hope that you can stand firm on your request for him not to bring the dog into your home - without causing too much upset.  I agree that it's a really inappropriate time and that your wishes should be respected - it is all about you (and baby) after all!  Just hearing how things went w/the dog at the hotel is even further indication of what you'd be in for....  If the dog can't be watched by your brother (??!!), then perhaps he can be boarded in town where you live?  That sounds like a decent compromise, as your parents would still be able to bring him along and check in on him once a day or so..... otherwise, I'd say that Dad and dog need to stay at a hotel (even if the dog gets complaints there, at least he's bothering hotel staff and not you and baby!!).  This is a time to be "selfish" and allow yourself a break at other peoples's "expense" if need be.....

Eleuthia - so wonderful that you're getting great support like that from your mom and sisters!!

LilyTiger - do your mom and MIL both live close enough that they don't have to plan any complicated logistics to see you, hopefully?  I totally get the balancing act between the 2 families.  My in-laws have been very vocal and enthusiastic about getting here asap and staying for as long as possible.... while my Mom has been super patient about our needs throughout our constantly changing plans....

AFM - since my last update in this thread, we couldn't get the flexibility we were hoping for from DH's ex (for his DD to travel), so this weekend is the date we had settled on for the inlaws and my step-DD to come.  It still seemed like a good plan, with the assumption that I'd at least deliver on time.......ha, not the case anymore, and thus my ever increasing stress noted in the weekly chat thread....  :O

[sarahdb]

Andaluza--things actually went well with my mom. I explained how much we did want her to come, just that we'd really been hoping and planning for some time on our own first. I tried to make her feel special, like "we want you to be the first one to visit and help out," while still balancing that with our need for alone time. She seemed to take it OK, unless she's hiding some hurt feelings from me.

But I would agree with the other posters--NO DOG!!! You have a good and credible list of reasons why bringing a puppy into the mix would only yield disastrous and upsetting results. PP time is about making sure the mama is happy. Everything revolves around that. If you're not happy or feeling at peace, then your baby will suffer from that too. So it really is the time for you to be selfish, except that it's not being selfish--you're just advocating for your baby. I would find it sad, too, if your dad couldn't understand that, and if he continues to make it clear that he has different priorities. But I would still put my foot down, instead of trying to accommodate him. I'm sorry that you have to deal with this at this point in your pregnancy. Is your mom able to stand up to him and talk some sense into him? Or are they working as a team on this issue? Dealing with these kinds of things is so tough...

[Veritas Vitae]

Andaluza, I agree, no dog, your dad should understand why that is too much to ask, especially with a new baby.  Also, having cats, who do not like dogs, I don't think I would agree to have people bring their dogs to my house, we've tried it a couple times, and it just stresses them out a lot, with all the changes coming up, it isn't fair of your dad to except you to accommodate the dog, especially when he could leave the dog with your brother.  I hope this all works out for you.

Eleuthia, nice that you have all the visits planned out, it sounds like you are going to get some good help and not be too overwhelmed.

Sarah, I'm glad the convo with your mom went well. 

Newmom, sorry you're not able to get the flexibility from DD's mom on the visit.  I hope your LO comes soon so you can at least get a little downtime.

and Lily, same for you, I hope your LO gets here before your family's camping trip!

AFM, I've gotten all my visits mostly worked out and I feel a lot better about it.  My sister is here for now until a week after the baby is born.  My older nieces will be heading back in a week or so with their dad.  My IL's will be driving up when we go into labor and getting a hotel close by that allows dogs, so they can keep their very large collie puppy there.  They will stay for a couple of days in order to meet the baby and they are going to help out with my nieces that are staying up here (3yo and 4mo), then they will drive back down to GA.  After my sister leaves, perhaps a week after she leaves, when B goes back to work, my MIL will come up to help me out for a week.  My oldest sister said she is going to try and come up sometime in September or October, since B is pretty much traveling that whole time, and then one of my oldest friends also said she would come visit for a week while B is out of town in September or October. It should be nice because I feel like I will have a nice mix of downtime and visitors. B is also going to try and make sure his flights out are all from Monday mornings - Thursday nights, so that he has three days home each week, and he is going to try and work from home on Fridays.

[andaluza]

Thank you for all the support and ideas, ladies! I hope all the visits and plans end up working out for the best for everyone. 

It's so wonderful that you have such a great support system, Eleuthia! I hope the visits continue going really well.

I hope the baby comes really soon, Lily, so you can take advantage of family before they leave for the weekend. It's great that your family and that of your husband are so close! I think my mil would be great, although she's really far away and there are definite cultural differences. She worked for many years in the neonatal unit at the hospital and was a nanny for a while after retiring, plus had 4 boys, so I know she's going to have lots of opinions and also scrutinize how we do things when we're there over Christmas.

Newmum, I hope you get good news about baby being on the way at your appt today so you have some time before they arrive. 

Sarah, great news!

Veritas, how fortunate that you'll have such a variety of people available to come and help.

AFM, I didn't hear anything at all from my parents last night, but my dad left me a message this morning saying: we're flying, these are the dates, buy us the tickets, we'll reimburse you... So I did and talked to him briefly and he seemed fine, just kind of quiet. My mom said she told him to come and not say anything, and I guess they have a back up person for the puppy if my brother flakes out. So, it's now more settled and I can stop thinking about it!