Baby blues « Back to Group Discussions

[katiedidder]

Are any of the other pp mamas having baby blues?  I'd been in really good spirits about the homebirth transport (feeling like I made the decision, managed to avoid a c-section, etc, etc), but the last 24 hours I've been a huge mess.  I'm incredibly guilty feeling that my baby was in the NICU for 2 days getting poked and prodded for no reason (except my unexplained fever in labor).  Having been to soooo many homebirths as an assist/apprentice I also feel disappointment that my body couldn't do it, that I willingly went into the hospital for an epidural (although honestly, that rest probably gave me the energy to push the baby out), and that I've either disappointed my homebirth friends or fed into the fears of those in my life who've always wondered why I was so in love with my job.  It feels like a lot, and then there is the guilt that I'm even wasting time crying about all of this when I have a totally great, healthy baby!

[katiedidder]

Oh, I should add that a huge part of this is that I got a package in the mail yesterday from an old housemate who was born at home with a "Born at Home" baby shirt.  I quickly hid it and for whatever reason can't bring myself to tell my husband that it's part of why I am a sobbing mess. It just seems so freaking silly.

[calapitters]

 Oh mama, I am so sorry you feel this way.  You made all the RIGHT choices and the chances of a baby getting a GBS infection are significantly higher when mom has a fever during labor.  So being under close observation in the NICU could very well have saved her life.  It's okay to feel upset that your plans changed so suddenly; you didn't even get a chance to really process it all before it happened!  Hang in there!

[KristaDJ]

((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))) Honey that is not silly at all! Of course that shirt would do this; you just had a baby, your hormones are crashing like crazy, your birth didn't go as planned and you get a shirt in the mail declaring exactly what you wanted and didn't get :-(? That would make anyone a blubbering mess, mama <3 And don't feel guilty for crying, a healthy baby isn't all we deserve from our births and you should honor your feelings of mourning for the experience you wanted. Let yourself grieve your birth, let yourself work through the feelings, let go of the guilt and enjoy your baby...you deserve all of those things right now. <3 

[thecountrymouse]

Katiedidder- I'm sorry you are so sad.  It is understandable that you would have those emotions about what happened.  It seems like a good learning experience to take with you in your profession- sometimes it is best to go to the hospital.   You also can grieve then accept what happen and not judge yourself so that you can hope that your clients would do the same.  Your situation was so unknown and it would have been so risky to stay home with all that blood.  Your story is very intense but you made the right decisions.

 Maybe take a sharpie to that shirt and write some new statement on it, then burn it or toss it.  The shirt would bum me out also.

 I don't judge you!  I hope you are feeling ok.  You have lots to process.  

[CA Country Girl]

Katiedidder- Sorry about the blues.  You did the right thing!  I agree countrymouse- it can make you more understanding and even better in your profession.  Give yourself and that baby lots of love!

[BroodyWoodsgal]

Okay of COURSE that shirt totally, totally bummed you out! Are you serious? Oh man!

Honey, you've GOT to be honest with your partner about how you are feeling, the shirt....everything! If he is going to be able to support you the way you need support, he has to know how truly shitty you are feeling.

I'm so sorry you are in this state. After the birth of my second, I was here...deeply, deeply "here". I totally know how it feels (many, many mamas here do) and I'm so sorry it's happening to you because it really and truly sucks.

Hormones crashing and zooming all at once, plus the total mind-f$%^ of staring a brand new human (and all the responsibility, work and grinding fatigue that entails) in the face ON TOP OF a really intense, EXHAUSTING experience that you totally planned to be completely different than it ended up being...wow, talk about a perfect storm for depression! Plus, even though your husband was there for you and effected...this really, truly, happened to YOU...you are uniquely effected by all of this and no one around you can TRULY grasp where you are in this moment. That can feel incredibly isolating. Add to all of that the crushing guilt of experiencing ANYTHING negative when you "should be" thankful just to have a beautiful, perfect baby in your arms and, well, crap...that's a lot. That's a lot for any one of us on our BEST day.

You need to feel free to really unravel and you need the time and space and emotional safety to really cycle through all of these feelings as they come up and process through them. Don't do what I did...try to "fake it" or push those feelings down. I was so dishonest with myself and everyone around me about how I was feeling and what was going on with me. I really wish I hadn't done that because it took SO much longer to find my way back from that place as a result.

If I had that time to do over again, I would have screamed everything that was going on in me from the rooftops. I would have come clean from the beginning about exactly how bad I was feeling and I would have told everyone exactly what I needed...even if that meant saying "I have no idea what I need right now....but I know I don't want to be alone, so could you just hang around and watch movies with me or bring me snacks all day until I figure out what else you could do for me" - seriously.

You cannot control most of what is happening to your body right now...you are in a wild sea of shifting hormones and emotional craziness...you have to be allowed to cycle through the craziness...people around you have to know how volatile you are so they can be kind and ready to support you. You don't need to hear "oh, you'll get over this soon" or "Oh, it's just the hormones talking, this is not real" or whatever else even a SINGLE time. Yeah, it is VERY hormonally driven....but that doesn't make it less real.


I would highly, highly urge you to consider talking to someone. You know, all it would take is a little bit of research to find someone who could really be good...and then a phone call to make an appointment...and then a little bit of your time...but it could do you a WORLD of good to be in front of someone with the tools to help you process through this experience you've had. Think about it. I really wish I'd seen someone to help me cope with how completely crazy and so, so sad I was after my last birth. At the time, that idea seemed so stupid. Looking back, I really really think it would have helped me to feel less alone.

I'm really sorry you are here, mama. Please, please don't try and minimize for a second how you feel. Tell your husband everything, tell him how vulnerable you are...tell him you don't know how long this is going to last, how bad it's going to get or how much you are going to need him...but make him know that you do need his support and you need him to not expect you to "shake it off" an move on or whatever.

It doesn't matter how many times you say "Oh, but my baby is here and healthy and that's all that matters" - it won't make the experience you had less legitimately traumatic. You really went through something tough...you have a right to be disappointed and shell shocked to have experienced something so different from what you planned. Even if the hospital was "Way better than you thought it would be" or whatever else...it wasn't what you planned, you were INSANELY exhausted by the length of your labor... I cannot IMAGINE what that must have been like, to not know how much longer it was going to be, to not know if even after all that time, you would end up being able to push him out yourself...the fear that even after all that laboring, they would end up cutting him out of you anyway...man, that is a LOT to stew in!! I am not surprised you are finding yourself very heavily impacted right now. That is natural and okay...any one of us would feel the same.

You did awesome, mama....you have not a goddamned thing to feel ashamed of. How much courage does it take, to do what you planned and prepared for? How brave do you have to be, to face something which unfolds exactly how you wanted it to??

How brave do you have to be, to face something that is scary as shit and nothing like what you planned?

Because that's how brave you were.   You are a birth warrior.

[sraplayas]

So many good things have been said by others in this thread.  

Sending a big hug and lots of healing your way.

[FaithHopeLove29]

Sending healing vibes your way. I totally agree with previous posters. I'm having some trouble myself, and don't have the complication of the unexpected change to the birth. Advice given to me by the postpartum nurse was to drink lots and lots of water to help kind of flush the hormones out, and it's helping me to talk to DH as much as possible when I'm calm enough to articulate how I'm feeling. I hope you feel better soon!

[AmandaMamma]

I have a healthy beautiful baby and am so proud of my birth experience. I'm still there. Ive been having anxiety and sometimes just need to cry. So I do, and I talk a lot to my husband who is great. It just plain stinks though. I feel like an emotional mess so it helps to know other mamas feel that way.

[BroodyWoodsgal]

Originally Posted by AmandaMamma 

I have a healthy beautiful baby and am so proud of my birth experience. I'm still there. Ive been having anxiety and sometimes just need to cry. So I do, and I talk a lot to my husband who is great. It just plain stinks though. I feel like an emotional mess so it helps to know other mamas feel that way.

[FaithHopeLove29]

It does help to know others are going through the same thing, even though i wouldn't wish this upon anyone... getting harder this week, dh is back to work full time and ds is not sleeping well day or night... when he cries I feel like a horrible mom, but when he's fed and clean and in my arms, not much else I know how to do. so we cry together. i'm sure it gets easier but its hard to see right now. this moment helps - i have a sleeping babe in one arm and a puppy cuddled up beside me.

[AmandaMamma]

Originally Posted by FaithHopeLove29 

It does help to know others are going through the same thing, even though i wouldn't wish this upon anyone... getting harder this week, dh is back to work full time and ds is not sleeping well day or night... when he cries I feel like a horrible mom, but when he's fed and clean and in my arms, not much else I know how to do. so we cry together. i'm sure it gets easier but its hard to see right now. this moment helps - i have a sleeping babe in one arm and a puppy cuddled up beside me.

Oh goodness this this this. Especially with my first when husband went back to work. I'd just sit and cry. I will say that with number two I'm more relaxed when he cries though. Since I'm on baby number two I can tell you it does get easier. I keep telling myself the same thing right now.

To another mama in the trenches, good luck and deep breaths.

[BroodyWoodsgal]

Originally Posted by FaithHopeLove29 

It does help to know others are going through the same thing, even though i wouldn't wish this upon anyone... getting harder this week, dh is back to work full time and ds is not sleeping well day or night... when he cries I feel like a horrible mom, but when he's fed and clean and in my arms, not much else I know how to do. so we cry together. i'm sure it gets easier but its hard to see right now. this moment helps - i have a sleeping babe in one arm and a puppy cuddled up beside me.

Oh sweetheart. I remember that so hard with my son...just holding him and crying and crying. :( I'm so worried about you...about all of you who are feeling so alone. That is a terrible, terrible feeling. So many of us understand and are here for you. <3<3

[FaithHopeLove29]

The experience and encouragement from this group is so helpful. I found a new mom's group i may visit tomorrow for some support irl too. It's getting a little easier every day, so i think we'll be ok. and my mom works in the public school and is done for the year tomorrow so i'll have more company at least. i hope everyone having baby blues are feeling a little better every day too. I'm going to try baby wearing today or tomorrow and see if I can't take a nice walk in the sun to help even more.

[iowaorganic]

I know exactly how you mamas feel.  I was there too on my first.  I was nervous and scared and lonely and couped up with a baby who cried and didn't sleep and it was awful.  I was a mess.  I will say this- you must take care of yourself!  I remember so clearly one night when she was crying and nothing calmed her down and I was soooo tired and DH was working and I just knew that this was how people snap and shake that poor baby.  Somehow I had the presence of mind to swaddle her and put her in her crib and I shut the door and took a shower.  I don't do CIO- but if I stayed there I was going to snap and do something I would regret.  I hope no one else ever goes through that- but sometimes you just have to take the 10-15 minutes to regroup and calm down.  She calmed down and fell asleep and I relaxed and took a nap and I have never had that feeling again.  

It does get better and I think with more babies we get used to the hormone surges or at least out bodies do.  Make sure you are getting enough good food to eat, enough to drink, and rest when your baby sleeps (which is a luxury of the first baby :)  There is a great article somewhere here by a midwife on mothering the mother- it is something we all desperately lack in most of the US- but it is sooo very important to our wellbeing.  Only on my 4th baby was I mothered at all- and it made such a huge difference in my recovery and outlook....

[KristaDJ]

I hope you are feeling better, Katiedidder <3 

[swelldoula]

This!! 

If I had that time to do over again, I would have screamed everything that was going on in me from the rooftops. I would have come clean from the beginning about exactly how bad I was feeling and I would have told everyone exactly what I needed...even if that meant saying "I have no idea what I need right now....but I know I don't want to be alone, so could you just hang around and watch movies with me or bring me snacks all day until I figure out what else you could do for me" - seriously.

 

Don't be afraid to ask for help from your friends and family IRL, especially your dh.

[LionessMom]

i would have to say that i got better for me with each baby. esp with the breastfeeding, that helped me. this time i will encapsulate the placenta. i am not going to lie. adding a baby is hard. the hormones and emotions are hard. i spent time crying alone with each of my babies. i fully expect to go through that this time again. 

[katiedidder]

I want to thank everyone for your insight.  Things have gotten MUCH better over the last week.  I took your suggestions, and have been much more open with my husband, family, and friends about how I am feeling and that's helped me not feel so crazy about it.  I've also had a chance to do some processing with my midwife, and we're planning to do more at my appointment next week. 

I ended up having my placenta encapsulated last week and within 24 hours after I started taking it, the really hopeless feeling crying sessions stopped.  I'm not sure if that was just my hormones settling on their own, but it seems like it could have helped.