It's so hard to admit but I've found myself often disliking being a parent. First let me say I am a good mom. A really good mom. I practice AP because it comes naturally to me. I am still breastfeeding my 16 month old. I co-sleep, I'm a stay at home mom. We go on play dates, I try to meet all her needs. Just needed to clear that up before I continue.
But some days I just don't like it. I have a very high needs DD. Who screams at the top of her lungs to get what she wants. And who often gets frustrated because she cant communicate - She is a late talker.. I've been teaching her sign language to cut down on that frustration and she knows a few.
I'm very mellow. I like to spend my days in a calm relaxing state. Reading a book and listening to some yoga music is a perfect day for me. Chaos and screaming drive me crazy and turn me into a very grumpy irritable person. I say chaos because DD is unpredictable and as much as I try to have a routine/schedule she resists it.
I miss my old life. I miss the way my husband and I used to be together. Now we bicker so much. It's like we are enemies rather than being on the same team. I miss my peaceful home. I miss vacations. I miss the days when I could do whatever I want and didn't have to be home for nap time. I miss running errands and not having a toddler with me.
I love my DD , don't get me wrong. When she is in a good mood she is absolutely delightful. She makes me smile and laugh, and my heart is full of love for her. She has filled a hole in my heart I used to have.
But the screaming fits, the whining and clinging to my leg, the waking up 5 times a night, fighting bedtime with tears, the temper tantrums. They are too much for me to handle. I never imagined having a child would be this hard. I knew they cried, but I didnt know they could scream so loud it would hurt my ears (as she often does). I don't believe in CIO, but with her it wouldnt even be an option. The times she wants me and not my husband to put her to sleep often end in choking and gasping for breath.
And this crying and screaming isnt anything new. Its been going on since day 1 in the hospital. She had really bad colic which we finally resolved. But the screaming has continued with teething, when a food doesnt agree with her, when we put her in the car, when she is tired, i could go on and on. I tried dr. sears' approach of responding to her cries quickly and teaching her to cry better. It worked for a while until she started teething. and now shes in the fighting sleep stage.
So back to what I was saying. I just dont like being a parent. Sometimes I think I got started to late - 34 years old. Maybe I am too selfish now. I used to want 3 kids. Now I think I am done with just one. I hate to think of having an only child cause I think siblings are so important. But I honestly don't know that I could handle a second one. Or my marriage could handle it. Speaking of my marriage. My husband feels the same way - just overwhelmed by how hard this is.
I know I am just rambling and venting. But I have no where else to do this. Its not very PC to tell your friends you dont like being a parent. But I also would like to know - am I doing something wrong here? Do other people feel the same way?