Feel like I failed...

[MatthewsMummy]

I'm so glad I found this forum. I'm sat here crying my eyes out and I feel so terrible I don't know what to do.

6 weeks ago I had to face two of my worst pregnancy fears.... an induced labor and an emergency c-section. Little Mattew was over to weeks late and his wasn't even engaged and I wasn't even 1cm diliated so the took me into hospital for an induction. I spent the whole day being poked and proded, strapped to a monitor while begging to be allowed to get up and walk through my contractions before finally giving up a 11pm and asking for an epidural. I was still only 1cm diliated at this point.

But that's when the real nightmare began. The epidural caused my blood pressure to drop so rapidly that Matthew heart rate became erratic. They managed to stabalise him slighty and over the next 3 hours I finally dilated from 1cm to 10cm and was taken through to the delivery room to start pushing. He'd made his way mostly down the birth canal and the doctor even pointed out his hairy crowning head to my partner, but after 5 o 6 pushes the doctor said that his wasn't making any more progress and that his heart rate was becoming erratic again and that they would have to perform an emergency c-section.

So I was rushed off to the operating theatre and they started to operate pretty quickly. But the epidural they'd given me for the contractions was very weak and even though they upped the doesage they didn't leave enough time for it to take effect and I felt the first cut as clear as day. After that I don't remeber much and the doctor says that I passed out. The next thing I knew was waking up in recovery, I hadn't even seen my baby boy. Matthew was born at 3:30am and they kept me in recovery until 8:30am and the only thing they would tell me was that my baby was fine. My partner was left alone with our son and had no idea where I was or when they would bring me up to the ward.

Now 6 weeks later my sister-in-law went into hospital at 4pm this afternoon and now at 11:30pm has just given birth to her little boy as easy as pie. And now I'm here crying my eyes out because I feel like I failed my little angel by being able to give birth to him properly. I feel like there must be something wrong with my body that it wasn't even preparing for labor and that I had to be induced. And most of all I feel jealous of my sister-in-law. I've always felt that she only went and got herself pregant because I was and now she's gone and had a perfect, easy birth. I just want to scream that it's not fair. Why not me?

I love my little boy with all my heart and I just wish I could have given birth to him naturally.

[hildare]

oh, mama.  that's a frightening series of events, and a hard place to be. 

it's hard not to feel jealousy of other people's perfect births.  time will help- you'll eventually begin to feel all the parenting you've done is a buffer between you and the experiences you had.  (hugs) and healing to you.  take time to process, try to journal or talk about it if you can. 

[tangledblue]

That sounds incredibly upsetting esp the epidural failure--I can"t believe they didn't give you general anesthesia for what sounds like a crash c-section.  Also it is strange that you were separated for 5 hours...makes no sense unless you or he had some complication?

That said, please don't feel like you failed your son.  He will be just fine! Feeling guilty can be really debilitating, so try to let that go. It's fine to be sad for yourself and your own experience (although I don't think you have anything to blame yourself for), but don't let it create guilt for your relationship with your child.  My mom had me by c-section and we're close.  I had my kids by c-section and they are fine!  You did not fail your son.  

[mandib50]

it's a normal part of the healing process to feel like a failure. emotional healing after a section can be difficult, take time and give yourself permission to feel everything and grieve.

[Alenushka]

Failed in whose eyes? Are you in school getting a grade?

You are alive and your baby is alive.

There mothers who refused medical Tx including c-section whose babies were born dead or brain damage as a result of it.

You did nothing wrong. You did not fail.

Do not pile up expectations on yourself where there should be none. Meet with OB and ask to go over you LD records. Ask her in detail what happened and how .  Do not blame yourself for an epidural and inductions. Latest studies do not show increase in C-section associated with these treatments.  One large study showed significant reduction in still births when induction is used.

Respect what you feel but find a functional way to process it.  Find a good therapist who can helps you to frame what happen.

My kids are older ...and when thier friends come over I can;t tell you who was born how and when their moms held them for the first times.

A friend send me this quate today. I think it was a reader on NYT blog  who posted it

"If your baby is not born under the most ideal of circumstances, the loss is finite. Motherhood is not defined by how your baby is born, but by everything after that."

[choochootwo]

MatthewsMummy : 

You did not fail. I went through something similar and although it's hard to explain, I needed to go through a grieving process. I envisioned a beautiful natural birth in a free standing birthing center and things beyond our control meant a c-section. Oh, how I longed to be in the birthing tub with my newly born son on my breast. I had envisioned the perfect birth a thousand times. But it didn't happen that way. Something happened right after he was born and I slipped away for a bit. Those few minutes haunted me for a long time and if I'm being completely honest I think I had some postpartum depression mixed in with it. Ultimately, I learned a lesson in letting go. Does it still bother me sometimes? Yes. It's like a tender bruise on my heart, I just try not to touch it too often. Ultimately, I've spent so many hours playing, kissing, hugging, and just loving this precious little boy of mine that I feel incredibly blessed to have him in my life and I don't care how he got here. He could have cracked out of a dinosaur egg for all I care, but he's here...with me...and I love him so.

Make sure you sleep as much as you can and enjoy the wonderful moments with him. Surround yourself with good supportive people. Be honest with yourself and others when you're feeling overwhelmed. Those hormones after birth combined with lack of sleep can be something. I swear it could be used as a torture method. 

Sending good mommy thoughts your way sweetie, because you ARE a good mommy. 

[McGucks]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alenushka 

"If your baby is not born under the most ideal of circumstances, the loss is finite. Motherhood is not defined by how your baby is born, but by everything after that."

I guess I am on the fence, because the OP has every right to mourn the loss of her hopes of having a vaginal delivery while she concurrently loves her son and is obviously just trying to come to terms with how he was born.  However, I love the second sentence above.  So much of parenting is out of our control (I have an almost-17 year old and a toddler, so I do have some long views in the matter)...from the conception through the parenting of a teen, a whole lot of sanity can be found in accepting what's happened and moderating your reactions/responses.

I would also like to say that your medical health professionals sound like complete turds.  You and every woman deserves caring, compassionate, and knowledgeable support during labor and delivery.  You sure didn't get it, and I am really sorry.

I have dealt with jealousy regarding many, many issues most of my life (I'm well into my 40s), and this particular jealousy issue is a very visceral one.  You didn't do anything to "deserve" a difficult procedure any more than your SIL "deserved" a cake walk.  While there are plenty of factors that can make birth more or less difficult, it's also a fact that some babies just are born more easily than others, regardless of preparation, intention, and hopes and dreams.

You didn't fail Matthew.  You gave birth to him and you love him every day.  That's success.  You are only 6 weeks out, so give yourself time to recover from the surgery and adjust to the many changes new motherhood brings.  If the c-section continues to be on your mind to the point that you feel it is impacting your stability, self-esteem, or other aspects of your life, you might want to check into a counselor.

I would also encourage you to find other moms or a LLL group if there's one in Spain!  Try the "Finding Your Tribe" forum.

Congratulations on your son.