labor and birth « Back to Group Discussions

[SomethingAnonymous]

did any of you find that you needed to hire a doula or have someone else besides your partner there for the birth, because your partner didn't really understand how to be supportive during labor?

It is normally something I can cope with, the lack of empathy and emotional support. But whenever I am hurt or very sick or in labor/having contractions, it really stresses me out to have my partner just standing several feet away staring at me.  I try to give him specific instructions and he just has no natural talent for being comforting. I think I will have to figure out someone I am comfortable with to be there with me.  I would prefer it be my partner, but I think I need to stop wishing for something that can never happen.

I'm posting this after being up half the night with contractions. I'm only 30wks so I was pretty worried. They have stopped now, thankfully. I just hate feeling so alone going through this. I've tried to communicate this many times to him, hopefully you guys here will understand that he just does not get it. I don't think he has the ability to understand what I mean. I'm not mad at him, I know he can't help it, I'm more just very sad and feel very alone.

[MamaRuga]

I know that feeling so well!  

I would certainly get a doula.  The only reason that I am not for this birth is because one of the midwife students is a doula and has offered to really be there in the same way.  Aside from that I've also really thought through the most important things that I REALLY need from my DH that I don't feel anyone else could provide.  Not sure what that might be for your DH, but for me, even though he can seem so distant emotionally, he is still my rock.  I realized that I needed: a) for him to be present for some of the birth time (even if not for the actual birth)  b) tell me really nice things (I've made a specific list of things like "you are beautiful" "you are doing such a great job", etc)  and c) for him to communicate clearly but kindly with me when his stress was starting to get too high, so I didn't have to worry about looking out for him.   I've also done my best to really hear his needs and anxiety about the birth and not force him into anything that is just too much of a stretch for him.  

Are you birthing at home or hospital?  Really, I think either way a doula would be a really good idea, but especially if your going to be in the hospital.  It would just be horrible to be in the middle of birth and feel like your main support person just couldn't be there in the way that you needed.  Plus it takes the pressure off of your DH and lets him be in the experience in his own way.   If he doesn't have to be your main birth support, he may end up being able to meet your needs more in then end, perhaps?

[amberskyfire]

I can't help there. :( I actually HATE anyone being anywhere near me when I'm sick or in labor. With the first birth, we had a one-room house, so my husband couldn't go away. I made him play video games in the closet (not joking!). With the second birth, we had a house and I shunned him from the room. I could never have a doula or a midwife or anyone else near me. I like to vomit, poop on myself and suffer in peace.