My partner and I (2 guys) are currently being assessed before going to panel for approval to be adopters. I have lost count of the number of times we have been asked to state our preference to adopt a boy or a girl. We were always under the impression that we should be open and honest about anything to do with our assessment and we have always said that we would prefer to adopt a boy and given what we feel are sound reasons why? Every time this has been raised by our social worker we have been told that the need to be a parent should override any preference for a boy or girl and that our reasons won't be positively viewed by the panel. Despite having been asked to state a preference, we are being literally told that we shouldn't have a preference. Any views or similar experiences?
Gender preference adoption issues
So it sounds like they are trying to trip you up in some way. That's not cool. We were asked if we had a preference when we adopted our son from Guatemala. We figured that if we had gotten pregnant, we wouldn't have had a choice so why should we have one now and said no preference but that was how we generally felt. Is this a domestic adoption or international? Are you in the US?
Its a domestic adoption and we are in the UK. We're not entirely happy with our social worker full stop but are wary of rocking the boat too much. The last email we had from her this week about this issue, she said that we clearly had a 'fantasy child' in mind which really got to me - so patronising. As a primary school teacher of 25 years, I know more than most that there's no such thing! We do have a vision of what we think would fit well into our lives though. Thanks for the reply.
sorry you're trying to adopt in the UK, that's not easy... or maybe domestic is easier, I only know that international from the UK is tough. do you know any other gay couples (particularly men, sadly there is a bit of discrimination against no-mom families) in your "region" who have adopted?
can I ask why you've specified a boy? I can imagine a few reasons, but like Smithie so bluntly stated ;-), you would be fine with a daughter... they do love their dads, those daughters ;-) but I can see why you might be hesitant, just like a lot of single moms and lesbians prefer to adopt girls... if you want to share your reasoning, maybe it will shed some light on what your social worker is feeling apprehensive about?
We had the exact same thing happen to us! The forms said to describe the "ideal" child that would fit into our family. So we did. We were realistic and thought it was unlikely we'd get to adopt that child, but we completed the form as requested, providing the actual answers to the actual questions.
Then we were told we had unrealistic expectations and we had to be more accepting of any child. Well, we were already willing to accept any gender, race, etc. We just limited age and some background (for example, we would not have accepted a child with a history of animal abuse).
Two different parts of the same form. It was ridiculous. It was like they were trying to mess with us. I think they're the ones with unrealistic expectations if they ask a question about preferences or "ideal child" and expect you to say "any and every child would fit perfectly into our family." And then, they'd believe you if you said that. It wouldn't even be a red flag to them. Totally ridiculous!
Just tell your worker the kind of child you're willing to accept and leave it at that. Be specific, if it's just a preference for a boy then say you're willing to accept either gender. If it's more than a preference, say you're only willing to accept a boy. Ignore the whole "preference" issue and just cut to the root of it all.