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Baby not here and DH leaving next weekend

post #1 of 11
Thread Starter 

Well, I had really thought that the power of positive thinking would bring our baby a bit early.  I've not even thought at all in terms of a due date but rather a due week.  Well, now that week is over (and I'm 2 days past the official "date").  DD was 5 days after her due date, but she wasn't positioned optimally either, so I had hoped that between working on positioning and this being baby #2, I'd have the baby a bit sooner.  Since I expected the baby this week, we have had a really open schedule.  DH hasn't been working much and we've been really enjoying a relaxed family life.  It's wonderful.


But here is my question...


There is a workshop next weekend that DH really wants to go to.  The person teaching it is not often in the US (he is from Israel) and he will be just 3.5 hours away.  I really want DH to go.  He is so burned out with work and the pressures of providing for the family by himself.  This would be a chance for him to get re-inspired and reconnected with his purpose.  I found out about the class over a week ago and when I mentioned it to him, he just figured he couldn't go with the baby.  But back then I thought the baby was only a few days away from arriving (lots of pre-labor signs) and I really encouraged him to consider it.   So he let himself open to the idea and got really excited.


But now, here we are a week later and no baby yet.  I'm planning to lay-in with the baby for at least 9 days (I did 3 weeks with DD, but I don't think that will be possible this time around).  Certainly the baby will be here in the next week, but it means that I will still be in laying-in mode and need lots of help.  My parents are close and were already scheduled to help out a lot, but I'm not sure that they are willing to do 3 days of 24 hour care for us.  


I can probably find some other help (maybe our doula can come on the weekend, I can ask), but now I'm wondering if it is a bad idea to have him go away.  I have forgotten about the hormonal shifts that come right after baby is born.  While I feel right now that it would be ok, on the other side of birth I might be an emotional mess.  Not that DH is very helpful there.  As someone with asperger syndrom, any emotional roller coaster is extremely stressful for him and it just short circuits his brain.  So, I'm not expecting a lot of emotional support anyway but just having him here would help with practical stuff and having things as stable as possible.  Also, he really only has until the end of June before he has to step back into work more full time.  So this weekend would cut into that time together.  And, although the workshop itself will probably be great, the trip will be energetically taxing for him (both the drive and being around a lot of people for three days) and he will probably come home tired and needing space to himself.  


I just hate to have him miss this opportunity.  Plus, I am hoping that by getting that personal and spiritual time, he will have more emotional resiliency for dealing with the new baby family life.  I've been so sad to see him burned out and uninspired.  I want to help him find his spark again.  


So, what do you all think?  Should I tell him to stay home now?  Or should I still encourage him to go?  Am I thinking through this clearly????

post #2 of 11

Lots of pros and cons... 

How does he feel about going knowing baby will likely have arrived?


Maybe let him decide but make sure he knows he's got your full support if he decides to go. If he does, just make sure your parents are ok for double-duty and ask your doula for help.

post #3 of 11

Is he going to really want to go if he has a 2 (or whatever) day old baby?  My DH wouldn't...  I mean I know it seems like the best opportunity in the world- but that doesn't mean it is a great idea right now....  

post #4 of 11
Originally Posted by iowaorganic View Post

Is he going to really want to go if he has a 2 (or whatever) day old baby?  My DH wouldn't...  I mean I know it seems like the best opportunity in the world- but that doesn't mean it is a great idea right now....  

yeahthat.gif I completely agree with the above. I think it would make sense if you weren't going to have a newborn just joining your family. My DH wouldn't go either. 

post #5 of 11

If you think you are going to feel bad about it that is a pretty good indication that it isn't sitting right with you. I'd let him know how you are feeling now that things have changed and would probably ask him to stay home. It won't do any good to encourage him to go if it ends up making you upset; trust me, they would rather know what will piss us off or hurt us than have us try to give into things we aren't comfortable with for their sake. ((((HUGS))))

post #6 of 11

It's so awesome that you encouraged him to go in the first place...I bet he feels thankful and loved just because you made that gesture of support.  Maybe there's a win-win something he can do closer by?  Is there something easy but meaningful that you could do for him tomorrow?  Does he need to make the decision on the class now, or is it something he could register for day-of?  I have so much trouble seeing these things clearly, especially when preggo too. You sound like such a supportive, caring partner-- if you do end up feeling the most relief by saying, "You know what, I would rather have you here"... I think he would understand that you're expressing your needs out of a desire to have him there because he's loved and needed.  (and definitely NOT a selfish request)

post #7 of 11
Thread Starter 

Thanks so much for the feedback.  It is very helpful to get some perspective.  At this point, I think it just isn't realistic to have  him go.  The class is now only 5 days away and baby isn't here yet.  I did let DH know that if birth hadn't happened by this weekend it probably wasn't going to be realistic for him to go.  


One thing that is a bit different about having an asperger's DH is that a lot of the things that make sense to most guys, doesn't to him.  Since I brought it up in the first place, he got his mind latched onto it and now he is going to be really bummed about not going.  I think he will understand on an intellectual level, but he is still going to be feeling really sorry for himself, especially since he is really stressed about how much more he is going to be doing around the house with the new baby.  I think he got really excited when he thought he might escape for a few days AND get to take a class with someone that he respects so much. 


But, I do a lot of putting his needs first because of his diagnosis.  I am going to have to put myself first here, I think.  If it were still a few weeks away, I'd still be considering it.  But this baby seems prepared to stay put for a few more days and there is NO WAY I could have him go with a 2 or 3 day old new born.


I'm just disappointed for him. 

post #8 of 11

Is there any way he can register/attend for just the Saturday or just one day? ...still gets some inspiration without the huge time commitment.

post #9 of 11

Is there the option of taking the course via satallite? Or an online web seminar?

post #10 of 11

I wonder too if they will broadcast the seminar online? 


I understand both sides of your case... and having a child with AS, I get that your dh might not have as much to offer after the birth emotionally.  The seminar sounds like a big deal for him, but he might not have the perspective to really thoroughly understand the situation like you do. I agree with your conclusion that you already make a lot of sacrifices and you deserve to have him home if you need him. This is a pretty extreme situation.

post #11 of 11
Thread Starter 

He is actually taking it really well.  Luckily we have had a really wonderful, low stress week, which helps him to be more empathetic than he is when understress.  So, I think he gets it.  It seemed so much more of a possibility when we thought baby was coming over a week ago.  But as we near 41 weeks, it is clear that this baby has its own agenda and that does not include daddy going away after birth!


I did think about him going for just a part of the class, but it really wouldn't be worth it for the drive.  He would still be so tired and blown out that it would take a few more days to recover.  And, it is a very small event, not the type of thing that is recorded or offered on line.  But, I will trust that there will be another opportunity in the future.  It may not be this specific one, but hopefully something else that will meet that need for him.  

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