Unsupportive Parents « Back to Group Discussions

[Angierae]

So I told my parents about baby #4. They are not excited or supportive. "what are you doing?" "did you do that on purpose?" "why would you do that?" "that's so irresponsible!"

And so on.

The dislike our unmainstream lifestyle. The fact that we work low paying jobs that we love. That we have one old beat up car. That we cohabitat with my hubands parents in a small row home in the city and we LOVE it. They won't be happy unless I have a large suburban home and we both work high paying jobs. We had that already and we were unhappy. We abandoned that lifestyle and are so much the better for it. They act like we are illiterate drug addict criminals. We have multiple degrees, a wonderful 15 year marriage, three awesome kids, and jobs we believe in.

I KNOW how they are. And I dreaded telling them, but I just needed to get it over with. Now, how do I just get over it and not keep feeling bummed out? Why do I wish they could give support still?
Grrrr...feeling emotional and pissy. And I can't believe I even care.

[kathleen_mary]

It sounds like YOU like your life. (It sounds like a nice one from where I'm sitting, not that you give two hoots about what I think.) But the way you describe it sounds like you know exactly what you are doing, you are setting a good example for your kids, and 15 years of marriage is awesome! Sounds like an awesome family to welcome a fourth baby into!

[Adaline'sMama]

That sucks. I'm sorry that you are going through that. I'm currently trying to learn about realistic expectations. I have parents/ in laws who have been unsupportive of us having kids in the past and Im looking at a pretty big likelyhood that they will respond the same way. It's hard to have realistic expectations when you love the people and you want them to be happy for you.

[canadianhippie]

this is me too! Im having a hell of a time hiding my pregnancy, we live with them while I finish school and I am now 2 months and look pregnant, i have morning sickness and am sleeping by 9:30, but if I tell them now...its abortion abortion abortion, I would wait until i had a baby coming out if I could, its going to be really bad, my family is going to be disgusted, disappointed...meanwhile, its a baby! be happy dammit, cant change it now, it is incredible frustrating and trying on you, i know how ya feel! 

[Gray's Mommy]

That is crazy, but sounds similar to my mom when we told her about #3. We are on #4 now & she just rolled her eyes and said, "Better you than me." Whatever. 

I blame it on her upbringing. She was raised by a divorced, fulltimeworking mom who came through the Depression Era with 12 other siblings. Two kids was it...anymore was just being irresponsible.

Personally, I would just tell them and move on. You kinda know what their response will be so actually it makes it a bit easier.
 

[whoabethy]

My in-laws' response was, "Why now?????" I'm in law school and I think they're worried I'm going to drop out. It was a little disappointing since my family was nothing but happy. (or if they weren't they kept it to themselves!)
 

[waywornwanderer]

We haven't told our parents yet because 1. this is our first and we want to cherish the first few weeks without hearing others' opinions 2. I ended up being diagnosed with a threatened miscarriage last week and needed all my energy to deal with that, without worrying about others' reactions (my husband and I are both the eldest in our families, so we have younger siblings who we want to protect from disappointment in the case that I do miscarry.) Anyway, I know/think my in-laws will be sweet and supportive. Maybe a little concerned about our financials, since my husband is currently in medical school. But happy! This is a baby! MY parents, however, will probably need a little time to get into the idea. They were disappointed first by the fact that I chose not to attend law school, then by the fact that I decided to marry at age 22. They're good people, but they're also big on their careers, money, and achievement. I'm not sure they'll understand that this baby is very much wanted/anticipated by my husband and me and that we're looking forward to being young parents (24 year old!) who can keep up with any/every activity our children choose. We love our simple lifestyle and plan on continuing a similar one even once my husband is well established in his career. It's just who we are. We're nerds who like cooking/eating feasts at home, cuddling up with books, and playing with our cat. haha :) Not much else we need!

A sample conversation from a few months ago, when my mom gleaned I wasn't on b.c. (I actually don't take b.c. for religious and medical reasons, but it was nice not having to wean off of it once we decided to "see what happened"):

mom: ".... you're not having lots of kids like B's family, are you?" (husband is one of six)

me: "why not? we hope we have a big family but you never know. we'll take what we're blessed with"

mom: "I don't know. I just think kids cost a lot of money."

me: "luckily we don't value things. we value people."

mom: ".... okay. Well, B's going to make a lot of money someday so I guess you won't have to worry about it. I still don't know why you'd want a lot of kids, though." (by the way, I'm one of five. it's not like the lady didn't have a "large" family herself!)

oy.

[Angierae]

Sad that there are so many of us with the same feelings. Babies are good. It shouldn't be that complicated!

Kathleen_mary: Thanks! We think it's a pretty great family to come into too!

Adaline'sMama: I hope you are able to feel the support from a lot of other places if not for your parents/inlaws. It's hurts though. Im trying to learn not to feel the disappointment and anger so intensely.

Canadianhippie: that's sounds really tough living there! We were living with my folks last year while I finished law school, and I was kinda glad it didnt happen while I was living there. Hard to look at all that discontent in the face every day. Hang in there!

Gray's mommy: I sometimes with I could figure out what it is about me having kids that pisses my mom off so bad. I really think she either regrets the career she gave up to have kids, or is mad that I am calm and happy and enjoy parenting so much when it was such a struggle for her.

Woahbethy: I hear year. My first was born during the summer between my 2L and 3L years. And I kept on going. But you already have a child, so what are they so worried about, clearly you can handle law school and motherhood at the same time if you want to!

Waywornwanderer: sorry to hear about a threatened miscarriage. Ar things lokoking better this week? You sound like us 12 years ago! Dd1 was born when I was 24. We got married to my parents dismay at 21. DH put his career on hold so I could go to law school and then we got pregnant. Keeping it to yourself is probably keeping it peaceful right now! It was awesome to be a young parent. It's awesome to be on #4 and still be young enough b/c we didn't want super close spacing.

All in all, babies are a blessing whenever they come! And they don't always come whenever you want them to, even if you plan perfectly.

We decided to announce to the whole world today-feels so good to get a lot of happy congratulations, and a good reminder of which people in our lives really care about what makes us happy without judgement or criticism.

[etsdtm99]

this is why we haven't told my parents. i just can't see my mom being supportive.. this is #4 and my oldest will be 1 month shy of 7 yrs old when this one is born.. my mom hasnt understood from the first one, her reaction has always been shock and not in a happy way.. a couple of pregnancies she told me i was stupid and/or crazy .. the issue now is i have 2 pregnant friends due around the same time that my mom knows about - but she doesn't know i'm also pregnnt. i'm kind of afraid that on top of the normal reaction she will also be hurt because i didn't tell her, as illogical as that is ..  i'm going to have my kids tell her to try to get a less negative initial reaction..

[loveandgarbage]

edited

Edited by loveandgarbage - 8/10/12 at 5:59am

[kittn]

I know my MIL is not happy. She tells us all the time that we shouldnt keep having kids. Her sister had 5 she had 4 what's the issue. My brother also doesnt approve. His only response was "are you pregnant AGAIN????"  My younger brother is very supportive as are some of my husband's brothers. We dont act like the fact that we are quiverful  is a asecret. Our family knows it means that we are always open to life. We don't try or prevent, why should this be such a shock? 
I had my first child at 17 so everytime I get pregnant I feel like that scared teen again... silly really Im 34.

On the other hand my mother said she will be happy for me only if I quit my job Ughhh

[akind1]

MIL is the reaction we dread. No matter the situation, 2 is her max. Through in the fact we declared bankruptcy this year, are living with my parents, and our other kids are 2.5, and 8 months, this 3rd - surprise! - baby seems a bit, idk, more than a challenge. My parents will be ok. I think. No one is pro abortion in our families, so that's not an issuev(and I am not either).

It doesn't help we have our own mixed feelings. Excitement and happiness about the new babe, but concern over the reality and logistics. So far we have only shared the news with friends. Their happiness is a bolster.