A Saner 2ww: Thunder Moon

[zenquaker]

Welcome, everyone! This is a continuation of the "Sane 2ww" thread. We will start a new thread each new moon and name it for the upcoming full moon.

If you're new here, you can read a little of our original thread. If you don't have time, here's the gist of it: this is a space to re-conceive the 2ww as a time of waiting and contemplation. Although we don't judge those who wish to poas frequently, symptom-spot, or do chart analysis, this a space set apart from that activity. We share our thoughts about other ways to approach the 2ww and all parts of our cycles. We encourage each other to feel our feelings fully and to greet all possible outcomes with openness.

We hope you'll join us!

[dakipode]

Wow, I've missed a lot.

First of all, a big congratulations and well wishes to brambleberry!

I've deliberately been keeping my distance from the boards to try to stay sane while waiting to O. I know that's not the subject of this thread but I'm starting to feel like my waiting to O could use just as much sanity, if you catch my drift. I think I'm finally about to, I'm on CD27 today, expect to O in a couple of days or so. Been feeling discouraged about my consistently delayed ovulation and speculating about what it may or may not mean...

On the other hand DH and I have been making an effort to connect emotionally when DTD rather than focusing on getting the sperm in me at the right time... So it feels good to keep that in mind, that we used to have other reasons besides TTC to DTD.

And ladies, I totally get that, about the journey and the goal. I get so caught up in the end result that it's easy to dismiss the process.

Loving this idea of naming the threads for the moons!

Have a happy week everyone!

[zenquaker]

Nice to have you back, dakipode! And while I missed you, I'm glad that stepping away helped with your ability to stay sane.

I'm trying to stay sane while I wait to hear about the results of the big job interview. Just waiting to get my life in order! We also found a new, wonderful place to rent that is in a more peaceful setting than our current place, and full of life and history. So that's a start!

I am, as of today, out of my 2ww, and not with the results I had hoped. I am focusing on other goals in my life, but I am sorely disappointed.

[kimble]

good luck to you as you wait to hear back on the new job, ZenQ, and I'm glad you are finding peace in other aspects of life. Having a place that feels like home can make such a difference in one's whole outlook on life so I wish you the best as you move!  Also thanks for the moons idea. I'm looking forward to Harvest Moon since it reminds me of the Neil Young song!
 

Dakipode, welcome back and best of luck to you this month. I too am having trouble finding a balance between obsessing (e.g. frequenting the MDC forums) and peacefully accepting wherever I am at ... the sands of time slip through my fingers. DH and I were stuck in a BD rut a few months ago, and I think practicing releasing my attachments to temperatures, symptoms, etc has let us regain more spontaneity and emotional connection as we are both able to just let our thoughts go for a few minutes and remind ourselves of the joys in life and how thankful we are for one another in the first place.

[pokeyAC]

zenquaker - I'm sorry you were disappointed this month.  I hope the new cycle brings great things.  Congrats on the new home and good luck on the new job!  Thanks for starting the new thread.

dakipode and kimble - It sounds like you are both in a good place.  Enjoy!

I'm in the middle of my tww and feeling fine.  I woke up last night and started worrying about some things I need to take care of, but I was tried to not think about it and I got back to sleep.  I'm looking forward to yoga this weekend and maybe a pedicure.  There is an Adam Lambert concert in Golden Gate Park this weekend, and I am thinking about going.  It's always nice to be in the park and feel like you've been transported to a place that is not in the middle of a big city.

[writinglove]

hello all,

ovulation is pending in the next few days, and i find myself trying to push time. hurry up, already. what is progress, however, is that i am noticing that i am doing it, pausing, and resetting.

i've been reading a lot of birth stories lately. i feel more in the TTC zone than i have in the 2 months prior. i'm feeling particularly inspired by UC stories -- a choice that i don't plan to make, but inspiring nonetheless. i think what i like about the UC stories is the inherent faith in their bodies the women who choose to do it typically exude (i know it isn't always the case). so now it is my time to have faith my body will ovulate in due time, when the time is right.

[maydaymom10]

Originally Posted by dakipode 

On the other hand DH and I have been making an effort to connect emotionally when DTD rather than focusing on getting the sperm in me at the right time... So it feels good to keep that in mind, that we used to have other reasons besides TTC to DTD.

And ladies, I totally get that, about the journey and the goal. I get so caught up in the end result that it's easy to dismiss the process.

dakipode - I totally hear you on this one. DH & I (mostly me seeing DH isn't too concerned about timing) and also trying to reconnect with each other instead of thinking of it as a process. I have to say that this month has been much better in that department as far as the emotional connection while dtd (instead of doing it with a purpose). It actually makes me very happy and peaceful to think that if we did conceive this month, that is was from love and not just due to timing. Gosh, that sounds so horrible, but that's how I feel sometimes when bd'ing is purely happening due to what my chart says. The idea of a baby being conceived out of love is really how if should be (and yes, I know that we all love our DPs, even when TTC, but I know that personally I get caught up in the end result rather than the specialness of the present).

AFM - still hanging in there as a patient woman in the TWW. Such a strange place for me. I went to a Q&A session today for women who are considering going into midwifery. The one focused on the direct-entry route, but nurse-midwifery was also discussed. It was exciting! Even more so know that it's a long process that I can bend to make work with my situation at the moment. And, the idea of having a homebirth for this one is resonating even more than before (DS was born in a stand-alone birth center with a wonderful CNM, but I think I want to be home for #2). It's a lot to think about, and there's no rush. If nothing else, something more to keep my mind off this TWW. 

Happy hump day to everyone else. And happy Summer Solstice!

[dakipode]

Originally Posted by maydaymom10 

It actually makes me very happy and peaceful to think that if we did conceive this month, that is was from love and not just due to timing. Gosh, that sounds so horrible, but that's how I feel sometimes when bd'ing is purely happening due to what my chart says. The idea of a baby being conceived out of love is really how if should be (and yes, I know that we all love our DPs, even when TTC, but I know that personally I get caught up in the end result rather than the specialness of the present).

AHAHAHA, yes, that! I told DH a few months ago it wasn't "just" going to happen if I didn't track anything and we just relied on my sex drive (which is close to non existent). So while there is some timing involved I do agree that it's nice to think that this cycle's baby, if one was conceived, might also be a love child, so to speak.

AFM: YAY, I finally ovulated! This is the most excited I've ever been to start my 2WW! I'm considering making an appt with my GP for 3 weeks from now at which point I will either be confirming a pregnancy or addressing my concerns about ovulating so late. What do you gals think? Would that be not zen?

[maydaymom10]

Originally Posted by dakipode 

AFM: YAY, I finally ovulated! This is the most excited I've ever been to start my 2WW! I'm considering making an appt with my GP for 3 weeks from now at which point I will either be confirming a pregnancy or addressing my concerns about ovulating so late. What do you gals think? Would that be not zen?

I  think you need to do whatever keeps you feeling "zen", and if that's an appointment to ease your mind, then do it. That being said, you might wait another cycle (if you have to - hopefully not  ) to see if it takes as long to ovulate. Maybe this month was a fluke. I know that last month I had a very short LP for me. It's still a little early to say for sure, but it looks like I'm back on track with my "normal" cycle. Sometimes we have things that influence our cycles that we don't have a lot of control over. I remember a few time when I was hoping not to get a bfp, and the stress of waiting for AF to come actually delayed the process. Anyway, you have to do what settles your mind. The TTC process is stressful enough, especially when you're really wanting to get that bfp. So, having a doctor make sure everything is OK in that department might be just what you need. Hang in there!

[dakipode]

maydaymom, thanks for the encouragement. I set up the appt for 20DPO. I think it will help address some of my concerns if AF has come and gone by then. Unfortunately the late O is pretty standard for me. My cycles are all over the place but it seems to be the LP that varies while O is consistently delayed (CD21-28), overall cycle length between 28 and 41 days in the past 12 months.

Strangely, at this point, I'm not "worried" about the 2WW. Having made the appt now makes me feel like either I'm taking charge and facing the potential problem or it'll get me started on my journey but either way I'm a bit more at easy with just waiting and seeing...

[kimble]

Originally Posted by dakipode 

 I'm taking charge and facing the potential problem or it'll get me started on my journey but either way I'm a bit more at easy with just waiting and seeing...

Sounds like a good plan! Either way you will have something to discuss and learn with your PCP. And if it gives you something else to focus on for the next 2-3 weeks, all the better.

[BetsyPage]

I will join in... I'm not sure when I O'd so there's a sense of I don't know what's going on anyway that is good for me right now, I think. I've been online a lot today (going on very little sleep, trying to get caught up on some computer tasks) but I ideally I am minimizing my time as much as possible on the computer, because too much access to computer & search engine leads to crazy obsessive stuff for me (like WHY are my boobs sore, are they REALLY sore or am I just imagining it, what DPO could I be, etc.) I'm trying to spend more time in prayer, reading, engaging with my kids, doing what needs to be done in my life, etc and avoid the obsessing phase...

So, I'm checking into this thread, but if I'm having a sane 2ww I might not spend much time here, I hope! But I wanted to post because that this thread exists at all is encouraging to me, though I have really appreciated the TTC after loss thread as well, but sometimes that thread is hard for me...

[pokeyAC]

Welcome and good luck, BetsyPage!  I hope we don't see you around too much because that will mean you are taking it easy and not obsessing.  I am trying to do that too for the next week, but I will keep visiting the forums because I like keeping up with people.  Talking with other people in the same boat is reassuring.

[zenquaker]

Welcome to all the newbies! So happy to hear new voices and get new perspectives.

I was talking to hubs last night and I wish I could share his approach. He can see positive things about both outcomes and takes a "let's see" approach. I, on the other hand, am baby hungry and not wanting any more space between siblings. He had a big family and remembers feeling crowded; I had a small family and remember feeling lonely. We have to realize, of course, that our family will be its own thing, and that not every big family is crowded and not every small family lonely. There are plenty of reasons for those feelings that go beyond family size.

But it's hard in the 2ww when you've been trying for awhile. I want to move towards adopting my husband's perspective, at least in part, so that I can get more peace about this. I need to learn to take the picture I have in my mind of my future and gently blow it away. My reality will be different from the picture and I need to come to terms with that. There will be good and bad things, and lots of inbetween things, about whatever happens.

Meanwhile, going CRAZY about waiting to hear about the job! Wish I could adapt some of our lessons here to that wait!

[maydaymom10]

zenquaker - I hope you hear something about your job soon so that there is one fewer item adding to the anxiety and anticipation that you're feeling. Sometimes getting others' perspective on an issue can be very insightful and calming. I'm glad that you have someone that you can bounce ideas off of. 

AFM - I need some major zen vibes sent my way over the next few days. I've been doing well this month about taking my temp, entering it & some other basic symptoms, looking at my chart in the morning, and then letting it go. But, itsa changing :(  I'm beginning to obsess and I'm trying to hold back. It's basically due to my high temps -- they're making me think things. Actually, I really don't have any other symptoms to obsess over, and so it's the temps. So, please send me the strength to ride out the next few days to see if AF arrives or if I've been given a gift. Today I'm off to a spa day (that one I mentioned weeks ago) and am hoping that will get my mind off of things. Plus, I'm planning on a new haircut. All of this coincides with DH & my 4th anniversary (yesterday).  I will admit that I broke down and had a couple glasses of wine. I know that it's not good during the 2ww, but if I do implant, it seems to be late in my cycle. Even so, I'm clean until otherwise given the green light (or red, as the case may be). Hope everyone has a fantastic Friday.

[BetsyPage]

Need some support for sanity... I'm still not caught up on my computer tasks for the week, have some homeschool stuff I need to do, but then after today I need to take a break from online until the end of this 2ww (should be maybe Tuesday-Wednesday next week, not really sure b/c I'm in my 2nd cycle after a loss and things are still wonky...)

[happy2bamama]

Hi ladies -

I am new to this thread and have wanted to post here, but have been hesitant about going to the obsessive place. But like one of you said, to talk to people who are in the same boat is so helpful.

AFM: we have been TTC for about 18 months (on and off) and we have a 5-year-old DS. It took us 18 months to conceive him as well, so I learned was forced to learn lots of zen tricks along the way ;) So this time, I have been pretty mellow about it and "it will happen when it's the right time" and not forcing BD - only doing it when we really wanted to, etc. But funny enough, I feel like all this zen-ness has not been serving us! If there's such a thing as being too obsessed, there's a thing about being too zen too. I realize that I have been avoiding really facing what might be going on and masking it by having this zen attitude. For the first months, sure that was fine, but then as the months go on and it becomes clear to me that it may not just be a coincidence that it's taking us this long AGAIN, something in me has shifted and is now looking to be a bit more active and interestingly enough, that is actually making me feel more zen in a really strange way. Kind of like what a PP said - something like, "If going to the doctor's appointment will help you to be zen, then do it!" Basically, sometimes being zen doesn't look like being zen :)

All together, DH and I have been TTC for 3 years (that's including TTC with DS) and I read tons of books including TCOYF (of course) and The Infertility Cure. I have charted quite a bit (although I am not right now) and felt like I knew everything there was to know about my cycle, which is pretty regular and doesn't have any real big red flags except for a LP that's on the short side of normal. I have always avoided OPKs because I thought that I knew my body better than some stupid stick. Ha! So, this month, in our effort to be more active, I tried an OPK for the first time ever and found out that I ovulate a day or two later than I always thought I did - HOLY SHOCKER!!! I always thought that ovulation occurred on the last day of FF, but now that I look at it again and with my OPK experience, it can and is normal to happen a few days after that. So here I am, 18 months in going, "How on earth did I not know this sooner??" So, we could've been literally missing the window every month by stopping too soon.

We also just got DH's sperm tested and it came back with great count and volume, but on the lower end of morphology and motility. Knowing this information has been HUGE!! (I can't believe I avoided it for so long) Now we know that timing as close to ovulation is important for us - a shred of certainty in a very uncertain landscape. And that maybe some Pre-Seed would be helpful if they aren't able to swim as well. And that the missionary position would probably be best for us. And, that there's something we can do to improve his sperm quality - DH is now taking mega-loads of specific supplements. Now, had I kept being "zen," I wouldn't have known any of this. Sure, we may have still gotten pregnant, but knowledge is power, as far as I'm concerned! This knowing of data has been such a help that I am in the process of getting blood draws for my progesterone levels. Perhaps they're fine, but wouldn't it be nice to know if they're not? The me of this month says, "Hell yes!" I don't know that we'll take testing much further - just get the basics and then try to improve things as naturally as we can.

I am in my 2WW and I am finding myself thinking about it quite often (and I'm only in the first week). My gut reaction to myself is "Don't obsess!" but I wonder if I can just accept that it's okay to "obsess"/care" and actually be zen doing it - does that make sense?! For example, yesterday I had an urge to read some early pregnancy symptoms on www.twoweekwait.com. I let myself have it - I set a timer for 15 minutes and enjoyed every last second of it!

I do feel like us stepping up our game (and actually knowing when I ovulate - jeez!) is going to give us a better shot - how can it not? And honestly, that feeling makes me nervous. It remind me of how I was 7 years ago when we started TTC with DS - really excited and knew it was going to happen fast. I already feel really good about this month and think we must've done it. And then sometimes I get fearful that I'm fooling myself and it's not going to be as simple as this (although 18 months isn't really simple). I am scared that even knowing this data is not going to make a difference. I want to feel optimistic and like we have an answer or things we can do to boost our fertility. But you guys know, after getting BFNs for a long time, it wears on you and you're not even sure that it really is possible. I know that the feeling of wanting to control the whole thing was a big issue for me last time and I worked through it and learned how to surrender. So, I just want to make sure that I am not doing that again with the "data" and am instead just taking it for what it's worth, making some improvements and doing our best without knowing how it will turn out.

Thank you SO much for reading this novel - I didn't mean for it to be so long, but I haven't really talked to many people about this. 

[writinglove]

it possible i am O'ing as i type. just about to move to the 2ww.

a dear friend of my invited me to a spa weekend, and i nearly flipped out trying to come up with safe options for the 2ww. can i have a massage? can i sit in a tub? i went to my friend, the internet, and she was, as always, a hypochondriac who told me that everything was a NO. finally, i called a nurse who told me it sounded like i could really use a massage. i'm avoiding the tubs, though.

i settled on a facial and a hand and arm massage . . . but the situation is really bringing up hurt from past failed attempts at bringing a baby to life. and self blame.

so now i'm going to sit with the hurt. and give it a big hug.

[writinglove]

betsy, let us know what kind of support you need. are you obsessing, scared, impatient? do you need kind words?

happy, fun to see you here! you bring up a really good point: being "zen" doesn't preclude taking action.

mayday, positive even vibes to you!

zenq, best wishes for you as you wait for job news

daki, i like your style.

[writinglove]

i backed out of the spa appointment. it was just too much.