A Saner 2ww: Thunder Moon - Page 6

[pokeyAC]

Congratulations writinglove!  I understand your cautiousness, and I hope you move closer to optimistic as time goes by.  Sending all the best energy your way!

[zenquaker]

Crossing fingers for you, writinglove! And lots of prayers for you. Are you going to post over at the Peaceful Pregnancy thread you started? Or is it too early?

Welcome to ALL the new ladies! I'm so happy that each one of you is contributing to this thread. Every person who joins just adds to the wisdom and insight we all need to get through this intense TTC process.

AFM, this is my second cycle temping only to confirm O (from CD 12, to avoid the Clomid falsies, to 3 days after O), which is only about a week of temping. I've found that it helps me GREATLY. Otherwise, though I was only checking my chart once a day, I have the tendency to obsess over individual temps (is this an implantation dip? and googling "temps still up but spotting" every month). I am now in the second week of my 2ww. My scheme for getting through it this time is not especially zen, except maybe that it recognizes the need for balance and putting things into perspective: I have so.much going on that I can't afford to obsess about TTC! On Monday I start my new job, the first FT professional job of my life! (oh, writinglove, it's not an academic teaching job but it is still related to academia and will use my degree really well--that's what happens when you open yourself up to possibilities!). Then, in two weeks, we are moving across town. And three weeks after that, my little boy starts kindergarten. There's the shopping for school supplies and clothes, but also just caring for him and for all of us in this emotional, transitional time for our family. They're all GOOD changes, but they're still changes. All of it's going to take a good amount of energy. I don't feel overwhelmed at all, or that it's going to get in the way of TTC, just that the changes will use up some of the extra energy that was unhelpfully spiraling around TTC.

[happy2bamama]

Hi all -

First off, congrats to writinglove!! Best wishes to you :)

AFM: Today I hosted a picnic for a bunch of the mamas I work with (I host mommy groups, teach childbirth ed and birth trauma workshops). One of the mamas that I've known for a while asked me how babymaking was going (damn, I knew I shouldn't have told anyone!). I know it's such an innocent question to just see how I'm doing in that regard, but it feels like there are two answers to that: 1.) really good, we're pregnant! and 2.) well, I don't know, we're still working on it (so, not so good)! (which is the answer I gave). I feel like it then sets up a conversation where the person asks how long it's taking, what am I "doing" to help it along (acupuncture, yoga, etc.) and have I tried XY and Z and oh yeah, if I don't think about it, it will more likely happen. I then find myself justifying why I'm cool with where we're at (how can that be summed up in a tidy sentence??) and happy to be doing what I'm doing to help things along. It just feels icky. It feels like I am now broken and she is tasked with putting pieces together to fix me in our 2 minute conversation. She mentioned a fertility yoga class she was facilitating and I felt like saying, "LADY, did you hear what I said, I'm taking supplements and herbs up the wazoo, drinking nasty tea two times a day and getting acupuncture twice a week, do I REALLY need to be doing more???" Again, I totally get it that she was just trying to check in with me with the best of intentions, but sometimes I wish no one knew we were trying. I don't want to be fixed. In fact, I think I'm doing a really awesome job figuring all this stuff out and choosing what my next moves will be.

How do you gals handle situations like this? Do you lie?! I feel like I might start telling people we just started TTC so they're in that hopeful stage where they're not trying to fix me yet!

[keeptryst]

writinglove: Heartfelt wishes that your little bean grows into a healthy, strong baby

zenquaker: Sounds like you've found the secret to a saner 2ww! What you said reminds me of that Zen quote - "Why are you unhappy? Because 99.9 per cent of everything you think, and of everything you do, is for your self - and there isn't one." heh. Self-preoccupation is the monkey I need to get off my back during the 2ww.

happy: When people ask, I say "we're always open to a second child and if it happens, great. If it's not meant to be, we're very happy being a family of three." All they do is nod and move on to something else.

[Renaissance31]

Hello all :-)

Today begins my first 2ww in ttc #3.

Last month we thought we had a surprise on our hands but then it turned out to be just a weird long cycle. But it got us talking about #3 and after a lot more talking we decided to start trying. Supposedly today is O day. I don't chart much other than keeping track of my cycle and paying attention to CM. Today does seem like the day. We shall see.... I have a feeling it is going to be a loooong two weeks. lol I keep feeling like I'm holding my breath... excited/anxious/happy nervous/how am i going to make it thru these two weeks and not explode?

[SandyLoam]

I've been reading this thread for a while, and am now jumping in. We're trying for baby #2 - this is the 3rd month of actually trying. My PPAF returned about 6-8 months ago, but were up to 50 days between periods. Now they're getting closer to 28 days, and my just-turned-2 year old has just weaned (well, pretty much weaned).

The 2WW is a long one for me this time! I thought I ovulated about a week after I originally thought I did. So it was like when you get sent back to start on a board game for me this month. So we'll see how it goes. Last month I really had my hopes up and was sort of crushed, so I'm trying to assume that it will take a few more months this time. I think I may have been stressing about it so much this month (trying to get it "right" around ovulation) that I delayed my ovulation. In the past I've always barely been aware of my cycles, so all this is new to me and kind of stressful apparently! I'm going to try taking deep breaths and also thinking that I don't have as much control over when we conceive as I think I do. Last time we conceived while NTNP. I may go back to that if I continue to be such a stress-case!

Writinglove - Congratulations! Wishing you & your family health and happiness!

Happy - I'm always reluctant to tell people when we're ttc. I'm pretty private. When someone asks, my husband always is very enthusiastic about having a baby, and I play the "well, someday.." card. Then nobody knows what's up! I have enough trouble with doubting my own fertility, without others doubting it too. So I think I know what you mean.

[writinglove]

thanks for all of the love, everyone. i'm doing ok, trying to apply the lessons i learned here for the 40ww.

i'm finding practicing gratitude, and being open to possibilities, to be a serious challenge.

xo

[dakipode]

Originally Posted by happy2bamama 

AFM: Today I hosted a picnic for a bunch of the mamas I work with (I host mommy groups, teach childbirth ed and birth trauma workshops). One of the mamas that I've known for a while asked me how babymaking was going (damn, I knew I shouldn't have told anyone!). I know it's such an innocent question to just see how I'm doing in that regard, but it feels like there are two answers to that: 1.) really good, we're pregnant! and 2.) well, I don't know, we're still working on it (so, not so good)! (which is the answer I gave). I feel like it then sets up a conversation where the person asks how long it's taking, what am I "doing" to help it along (acupuncture, yoga, etc.) and have I tried XY and Z and oh yeah, if I don't think about it, it will more likely happen. I then find myself justifying why I'm cool with where we're at (how can that be summed up in a tidy sentence??) and happy to be doing what I'm doing to help things along. It just feels icky. It feels like I am now broken and she is tasked with putting pieces together to fix me in our 2 minute conversation. She mentioned a fertility yoga class she was facilitating and I felt like saying, "LADY, did you hear what I said, I'm taking supplements and herbs up the wazoo, drinking nasty tea two times a day and getting acupuncture twice a week, do I REALLY need to be doing more???" Again, I totally get it that she was just trying to check in with me with the best of intentions, but sometimes I wish no one knew we were trying. I don't want to be fixed. In fact, I think I'm doing a really awesome job figuring all this stuff out and choosing what my next moves will be.

I can totally relate. There are a few people I've told and every once in a while they ask me, bluntly: "And... are you pregnant yet?" with a big grin on their face. It makes me want to explode and yell at them: "You have no idea how frustrating it is!" but I just say no and leave it at that. I'm sure I come off pretty short sometimes... My local friends are either super fertile or their pregnancy was an accident and I just feel like they can't relate. Then I end up feeling bad about shutting them out, and it's just a downward spiral from there...

We got the paperwork for the specialist and DH was really upset about it. Maybe similar to what you're experiencing: feeling like he doesn't want to be labeled as being broken, in need of fixing. I told him I need this appointment for my own sanity. Hopefully it's an expense we didn't need, right now it's worth my peace of mind.

I've been pretty laid back about waiting to O but it's looking like this might be a good one, having some EWCM which I haven't had in a while, so I'm already anticipating more anxiety during the upcoming 2ww since all the signs for O are auspicious... I am taking a quick weekend trip though and maybe I'll schedule my haircut for sometime after that and that'll help keep me sane.

It's weird. DH and I have been having lots of "serious talks" and I feel like we are continually working on clearing the air, making space emotionally for this future baby and maybe my emotional state is improving my fertility as well...

[Megmoira]

The title of this thread is so appropriate, I've been having a 2ww for Thunderstorms! :-D The steamy weather is good for two things, keeping my life slow and deliberate, and keeping me focused on eating all of the lovely produce I can stand, because it's cool and refreshing.  Best of luck and cooling thoughts to everyone else melting this summer.

[BeagleSmuggler]

Hi Everyone,

I'm new to this thread, and reasonably new to this community. Thank you for this space, I know this is what I need right now, it is very much in line with what I am trying to do, but at the moment I'm failing miserably. 

History

We initially sought older child special need adoption, but the bureaucracy around adoption was getting to the point where I was concerned that we may not "make the cut" and we decided that we should try biologically since I am in my early 30s and he in his late 30s. We haven't given up on the adoption, just also TTC. 

We started TTC in October 2011, after a few months of trying naturally and charting I realized my LP was much too short and went to see my doctor and began the process of finding out what our complications were. After many, many, many tests we've determined DH has great male factor fertility. I however am anovulatory and while not in the spectrum to be diagnosed PCOS, I'm very close.

There has been a tremendous amount of stress in our lives recently, nothing we can "do" anything about other than let time pass. 

Last cycle I was put on Metphormine, and then this cycle Clomid was added. 

Despite being told that we did have the anovulatory problem we have been TTC each month. I stay away from charts and temperatures now because I know I will drive myself to insanity so we simply BD'd Days 11 - 17 each cycle and I have a fairly regular cycle that is usually between 26-29 days long. 

Each month I usually manage to stay in a calm balanced place up until a couple of days before AF is due and then I start to slowly lose my calm and any semblance of sanity or reasonable adult workplace functionality. The good thing so far (sanity speaking) is that my cycles have slowly been getting shorter from AF appearing on the evening of day 29 to the morning of day 26. Nevertheless there is always a day or two each cycle just before AF that I am absolutely convinced that this month is the month. And each month I feel crushed by my own hopes when it doesn't happen. I know this is not a healthy cycle. 

Right now

This cycle is my first on Clomid. Other than adding Clomid I did nothing new, which means we didn't chart, we did BD days 11-17, we didn't take a OPK. So far so good.

I was scheduled to go in Day 22 of my cycle for a blood test to see if the Clomid did make me ovulate.... I'll get the results next week.... 

I'm currently on day 28 of my cycle. Since we don't do an OPK I don't know when... or even if.... I ovulated. 

I am loosing my mind. Mostly because my last few cycles have been shorter than 28 days and I'm at day 28 and I don't have at least half of the usual AF symptoms that I expect the day or so before she makes her appearance. 

I haven't let myself buy any HPT. I know that some people do well with taking a test early, me I know if I open that door I'll bankrupt myself taking a test every hour (yes, I know that wouldn't work). What I told myself is that I would have to wait until Day 33 of my cycle, if AF hadn't made an appearance then I would buy a HPT and take it on Day 34... which is also the day I have the doctors appointment to find out my blood results, so if AF hasn't appeared he can schedule tests then...

Over the last few day's I've revised that plan and now I'm considering getting the test on Day 31 of my cycle and taking it on on Day 32. My "rationale" for this is that DH and I work offset shifts, which means we don't actually see each other awake except Saturday/Sunday. Day 32 would be Sunday (Day 34) is Tuesday.... so if I take it Day 32 I can look to DH for support, whatever the results. On Day 34 I'd be by myself. 

All this planning is of course not enough failure for falling off the sanity horse, I have so many thoughts running through my mind and I'm having a real hard time balancing hope (I hope I'm pregnant) and expectation (don't expect this to work on the first round of meds). So I've set a bloody countdown clock... actually I set it days ago at 144 hours to Day 30. 

I know there is every reasonable expectation that AF could come today or tomorrow, and I'm finding out that Clomid may make cycles vary in length so I need to stop running in circles for the next 72 hours (and a bit) until I can take that test

Thanks for listening to my craziness. 

I hope I find the calm again. 

[happy2bamama]

Hello and welcome ladies 

I wanted to post this, which hopefully can be of help to anyone who is waiting for something (aren't we all on here?!)...

I am reading a book about mindfulness meditation called "Wherever You Go, There You Are" by Jon Kabat-Zinn. I read a part today that was so needed - soul food - and I wanted to pass it along:

"Scratch the surface of impatience and what you will find lying beneath it, subtly or not so subtly, is anger. It's the strong energy of not wanting things to be the way they are..."

"Do you have the patience to wait

as your mud settles and the water is clear?

Can you remain unmoving

til the right action arises by itself?" 

-- Lao Tzu, Tao-te-Ching

"Hard as it may seem, try not to push the river in those moments of impatience, but listen carefully to it instead. What does it tell you? What is it telling you to do? If nothing, then just breathe, let things be as they are, let go into patience, continue listening. If the river tells you something, then do it, but do it mindfully. Then pause, wait patiently, listen again."

[keeptryst]

Welcome to Renaissance31, SandyLoam, Megmoira, BeagleSmuggler and all the other new ladies who joined recently.

BeagleSmuggler, I know what you mean about losing it a couple of days before AF. Even with all my que sera sera philosophy, I had a bad day of it yesterday. For me, it's the being in limbo that gets me. I have no idea whether there is a baby at the end of this journey or not - and in the meantime a part of my consciousness is in limbo. ttc takes up a part of you constantly...checking to make sure you're not travelling on ovulation days, cycle days dominating your existence, trying this therapy or the other in the hope that it might do the trick, the sometimes-obligatory BD'ing...and at times I wonder how long I'll keep this up. Maybe till my 35th birthday (coming up in 3 months)? 36th? I don't know. In the meantime, I don't want it to affect the quality of my presence with my family, my moods...but the reality is that at least 1 week of the 2ww is tough going. At least one week it's like what Dumbledore said, "It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live."

happy, soul food indeed. We need a book like that to get through each 2ww :) "Scratch the surface of impatience and what you will find lying beneath it, subtly or not so subtly, is anger. It's the strong energy of not wanting things to be the way they are..." - this is so insightful. Surrender - so easy, and yet so hard.

[BeagleSmuggler]

Thank you KeepTryst.

I had a total moment of frustration induced rage last night. I combed the internet and discovered so many women talking about how Clomid delayed their cycle anywhere from 4 to 7 days. I wasn't so much frustrated that my doctor didn't tell me... because, to be fair it doesn't seem to be in the medical literature as a side effect. It was this total loss of control. I have always been super regular. Up until I started taking metphormin you could set an alarm clock by my AF. And even after the metphormin it only varied by a day or two, but then it came earlier not later. So I raged against this loss of predictability in my biological routine, this one thing that I had been able to cling to with certainty. 

And then...

And then...

I managed to let it go. There is absolutely nothing I can do about this. Clomid is still our best current chance for conception. The price is that I may have a three week wait instead of a two week wait. And so, I have settled back into my calm. Day 29... and counting. 

[nearlyelated]

happy2b, thanks for those quotes, I've just requested the book from the library.  through the TTC and life in general, waiting for the water to clear seems like a good idea.

[writinglove]

happy, love John Kabat-Zinn. Thank you for reminding me about him.

[pickle18]

You ladies showed up on a seach I ran, and I couldn't resist popping back in - wonderful, wise words like always!  I love that quote by Lao Zu - thank you for reminding me of it.

writinglove - congratulations!  If it is any help at all, I conceived our lil one immediately following a chemical pregnancy.  I know how hard it can be to hope.  In the very early weeks, I was obsessing over every twinge (or absence of twinge) in my pelvis as something to smile or cry about.  Pregnancy is also warrior training, for sure - to let go and trust, when you can't know what's going on, even in your own body...at any rate, one thing that worked for me was to meditate on a beautiful,  lotus flower blooming in front of a sunset in my belly.

For some reason, using that as a focal point and "lotus baby" as my mantra really helped me to return to center, to land softly back into the moment, to pull myself out of the obsessive emotional ping pong and worries about the future.  Perhaps this could even work for building a womb - a sacred space for a baby to be - perhaps a nestlike image?  I know my MIL said a prayer for me when we were TTC about "preparing the womb to place a baby in" that really resonated with me.  That may be too attached to outcome for some of you...well...it could be a space for a new life adventure, whatever it may be.

At any rate, I wanted to wish you all well - these threads are beautiful, mindful places to visit, even for those not TTC!  Thank you. 

[zenquaker]

Ladies, I have a beautiful ending to Thunder Moon, and a wonderful one for the start of the new moon cycle: I am pregnant.

I normally spot a few days before AF arrives, but there was nothing this time. I am 14 dpo and decided to test. It's an unmistakable positive :)

I just can't believe it. We've been trying for over a year, with one m/c, and just did our 4th cycle of Clomid. I was beginning to wonder if something else was amiss. But here we are!

Thank you all for carrying on this thread and making it even more beautiful than I could have imagined. I don't know if I would have made it through the last few cycles as peacefully as I did (not perfectly, but better!) without all of you. I do plan on keeping up with the thread, ep. as it is so early and the lessons of the Saner 2ww are still so applicable to pregnancy--esp indeed when one has had a m/c before.

So . . . tonight's the new moon! Who would like to start a new 2ww thread? You can look to the original 2ww thread to see the lists of moon names.

[happy2bamama]

Congrats, zenquaker!!!!  Look at all of this hope, inspiration and baby dust floating around this thread! 

[keeptryst]

zenquaker So happy for you!! wow This baby's come at a full, busy time for you so it'll probably help you in having a saner pregnancy just as well as it did for the 2ww. Wish you a healthy happy 9 months and beyond!

[keeptryst]

pickle18 Loved the lotus imagery meditation - even the thought of it is so evocative of peace and sacredness.