A Saner 2ww: Thunder Moon - Page 2

[writinglove]

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[zenquaker]

Happy, I think being zen is about balance and openness. It's being in a calm but alert state that allows you to make decisions with clarity, and when there are no decisions, just waiting, to be fully in the moment. For each of us, this will mean something different; definitely following a line of inquiry into why it has taken you so long to get pregnant is fully within the peaceful, zen, saner 2ww spirit. Some of us have decided we want less information, but some of us may need more--it's the spirit and orientation we're after, I think.

Writinglove, so sorry the spa thing didn't work out. It sounds like you're twisted up about it. Can you plan something different that would be just as nurturing but would be pregnancy-safe just in case? Hike in the woods or time in a canoe or kayak would work for me. Do others have ideas for Writinglove?

Betsy, you got it. What can we do to help you? Hang in there! It can be so hard. Find something beautiful and revel in it :)

[writinglove]

hi all, i settled on a haircut, which i feel really good about.

[Megmoira]

I'm glad you got to do something nice for yourself, WritingLove. :)

[dakipode]

Originally Posted by happy2bamama 

Now, had I kept being "zen," I wouldn't have known any of this. Sure, we may have still gotten pregnant, but knowledge is power, as far as I'm concerned! This knowing of data has been such a help that I am in the process of getting blood draws for my progesterone levels. Perhaps they're fine, but wouldn't it be nice to know if they're not? The me of this month says, "Hell yes!" I don't know that we'll take testing much further - just get the basics and then try to improve things as naturally as we can.

I am so totally with you! I was starting to think that my "zen" attitude was really more of an apathy masking a fear of finding out something's wrong. And that whole bit about wanting to control the experience really resonates with me. I don't like feeling not in control, like I am the subject of the whims of the universe. But yes, zenquaker, I understand that it is about being in the moment and acting from a place of empowerment rather than fear. Thank you for restating that, I need to be reminded of that often.

writinglove: great idea getting a haircut! I need to follow your example. Maybe I'll save that idea in case AF shows up and then I can just treat myself a little!

Have a happy weekend, everyone!

[dakipode]

Oh, and by the way, how's this for accepting the circumstances as they are:

I had mentioned in another thread that earlier this year one of the gals of the yarn shop I frequent had announced that she was pregnant and I was crushed.

So today I finally had the courage to face her and tell her she looked beautiful...

[maydaymom10]

Originally Posted by dakipode 

Oh, and by the way, how's this for accepting the circumstances as they are:

I had mentioned in another thread that earlier this year one of the gals of the yarn shop I frequent had announced that she was pregnant and I was crushed.

So today I finally had the courage to face her and tell her she looked beautiful...

[ClumsySugarPlum]

     Zenquaker, I am totally with you on the small lonely family thing. I am an only child and was very lonely growing up. I firmly believe that this loneliness really left me thin-skinned and unprepared to easily develop friendships. I think there are other reasons for this loneliness, and I would add that I think both my mom and dad felt lonely in our little family at times too. However, I would like for my son to have a friend, peer in our house. I could go on and on about this…

      Welcome, Happy2bamama!  I really like your idea about setting a timer for your guilty pleasure online stuff. I need to do this with YahooNews. Why is it that there is at least one story on there every night about a child dying or near death experience? Then, after I read it, I feel like a horrible mother for scolding my son earlier in the day. No, the two are not related. YahooNews just makes me feel like a bad mom, and I am compelled to read it anyway. Why? It brings me back to the emotional rawness after having just become a mother, but this particular time is not one I cherish for obvious reasons.

      Nice job, Dakipode, with Yarn Shop Girl. Sometimes I find sharing in other’s happiness really does feel like they are sharing it with me. A little glow of love and excitement coming my (your) way.

 T   his weekend is shaping up to be uneventful. I feel like I need to do something really fun with ds tomorrow. He wouldn’t take a nap this afternoon and I gave him (us, really) and ultimatum of no nap = no ushering with my dh and I for an outdoor play we had scheduled. MiL covered for babysitting at the last minute (dh hated that) and I ended up  having a rotten afternoon/ rest of day with ds. Now I miss him even though he’s on the other side of the wall. L

   Hope everyone else is having a better Friday night.

[keeptryst]

Hi everyone, have been stalking this thread since its inception (great first post zenquaker!) and think it's a good time to jump in after my debacle (read AF) today morning, ha! We've been trying for a second child on and off for 2 years now and over time I had gotten totally zen about it - until this past cycle.

Originally Posted by happy2bamama 

So this time, I have been pretty mellow about it and "it will happen when it's the right time" and not forcing BD - only doing it when we really wanted to, etc. But funny enough, I feel like all this zen-ness has not been serving us! If there's such a thing as being too obsessed, there's a thing about being too zen too. I realize that I have been avoiding really facing what might be going on and masking it by having this zen attitude. For the first months, sure that was fine, but then as the months go on and it becomes clear to me that it may not just be a coincidence that it's taking us this long AGAIN, something in me has shifted and is now looking to be a bit more active and interestingly enough, that is actually making me feel more zen in a really strange way. Kind of like what a PP said - something like, "If going to the doctor's appointment will help you to be zen, then do it!" Basically, sometimes being zen doesn't look like being zen :)

That is so insightful. I got to a similar place, happy, (great to see you here!) and started an alternative health therapy this cycle for pms and infertility. My almost 5 yr old DS was conceived relatively quickly (3-4 months) so we only feel comfortable trying a natural non-invasive therapy this time around.  Well, it apparently worked so well that I hardly noticed mittelschmerz (which is usually in-my-face) this cycle and had no breast tenderness at all post-O. The only time I've ever had no breast tenderness post-O in my entire life was when I was pregnant with DS. Gosh did my mind take off - symptom spotting, googling early pregnancy symptoms, haunting MDC - the works. And my period, which is a clockwork 28 days usually, was 2 days late. I was convinced this was it, my mind had already started to fantasize about the future. Then - AF this morning. I could almost hear the universe chuckling "Gotcha!" I'm all humble and sober and zen again as I usually am after the hormonal craziness of the tww.

Originally Posted by zenquaker 

Happy, I think being zen is about balance and openness. It's being in a calm but alert state that allows you to make decisions with clarity, and when there are no decisions, just waiting, to be fully in the moment. For each of us, this will mean something different; definitely following a line of inquiry into why it has taken you so long to get pregnant is fully within the peaceful, zen, saner 2ww spirit. Some of us have decided we want less information, but some of us may need more--it's the spirit and orientation we're after, I think.

So perfectly put, zenquaker. I have a whole list of activities lined up to throw myself into for my next tww which is the best antidote for the self pre-occupation and brooding typical of that phase, see you all then. Have a peaceful sane tww.

[maydaymom10]

So, I've been holding onto this for 24 hours, but I needed to get it out in order to restore my "zen". I lost all my control yesterday and decided to take a test. It was early (DPO 12), but I figured I just needed to get the urge out. So... a got a faint positive!   Dark enough to actually see something there & get it on film, but not jumping out. I tested again in the afternoon and got a bfn, which I wasn't too surprised since I had drank a lot of water throughout the day. Yep, I've lost all control & zen. I tested again this morning (2 different test), and got bfp on both! I'm really excited about this, but at the same time am hesitant to really celebrate it as I know it's really early. Things look good -- temps are up, I feel good, no AF symptoms like in the past. But, I don't think I'll be convinced for a few weeks. I haven't told dh yet. I was thinking of making it a slightly delayed anniversary gift. Our 4th was on Thursday & we didn't really do anything. Anyway, that's for letting me get that out. I guess my more laid-back approach to this cycle paid of. Now I just need to get back in that mindset to help it stick!

[zenquaker]

That's wonderful, mayday! Peace to you as you get through this very early stage. Your baby will stick or not regardless of how "zen" you are, but I hope that you can have a spirit of openness and mindfulness regardless.

I am working on balancing being busy enough to remember that ttc is not ALL of my life, not even a major part of it, and allowing it and my feelings about it to be present. I see the RE on Thursday and am going to talk to him about the next step. My cycles on Clomid have been going well and all my hormone levels, etc. are fine--just need to think about whether it's taking awhile because sometimes it does no matter what we do, or if there are some things we haven't checked on yet that could be affecting our chances. It's a tricky thing to be peaceful in the face of infertility. I am trying to take it one little step at a time, letting life unfold the way it will. Part of that is thinking about the possible blessings of other ways of adding to our family. We won't be able to do a traditional adoption because of finances, and my husband is hesitant--before my son we went through the process and had three different mothers change their minds (I'm glad for them, but it was very hard for us). Adopting from foster care could be really wonderful, though that, like any form of family-building, has the potential to be difficult.

But getting ahead of myself is not very presently mindful--one day, one breath at a time. 

[dakipode]

maydaymom, how exciting! I can relate though, not wanting to get carried away too soon. I wish you lots of peace and joy!

zenquaker, I think language is so crucial in shaping our views. Infertility to me is such a harsh judgment, maybe you could consider "low(er) fertility"? I think the same problems exist around adoption with language, i.e. the baby is "given up" for adoption. I don't know what the answer is, but I know my own world view was defined by the fact that some "gave up on me", that's what it felt like for a long time... I don't feel that changing the language is fooling ourselves, as a friend of mine once pointed out. It is about taking on a different perspective, one that is more useful to us (read positive and supportive).

Anyway, just my ramblings on a Sunday morning. Wishing you a mindful day.

[pokeyAC]

Congratulations Maydaymom!  It does sound like your zen attitude paid off.  Sending sticky vibes your way for a healthy pregnancy.  I understand being hesitant at this point.  It's so early and it doesn't seem real yet.  I hope your attitude stays positive and everything goes well. 

Dakipode-  I hear what you are saying about language.  Some people just need a little more help to have babies.  As far as adoption goes, I have heard people use the language of "placing" a child for adoption.  The birth parents place the child for adoption with another family.  It's more about placement than giving up.

I am more than half way through the TWW and I've been doing pretty well, but today I've been feeling a little sad.  Maybe part of it is worry that I'm not pregnant.  I also miss my wife who is out of town taking care of her mother who had surgery.  When I worry, my wife can usually make me feel better, and I miss her.  I will give her a call and see if that helps me feel better.  Yesterday, I went to yoga and got a pedicure and hung out with a group of friends and that was all really great.

[happy2bamama]

Maydaymom - that is great news!! Congrats to you :) I love hearing of people getting BFPs - it gives me hope!

To everyone - thanks for all your kind words and welcomes. Pokey, I'm sorry you're feeling sad and that your wife is away. Hopefully you can get her on the phone and she'll cheer you up. 

Keeptryst - hi! I've seen you on another thread before, right? I feel like you helped me with some charting stuff a while back. Either way - hi! Bummer about AF. It's always hardest when it feels like it toys with us first. I've found myself saying in the past, "Just make it clear - come if you're gonna come, but don't give me mixed signals!" Haha - trying to rationalize with "her"!

The strangest thing happened to me this weekend and I don't know what to make of it - my family and I dined out last night and after we got home and I put DS to bed, I climbed right in bed too - I was so tired. But I woke up around 11:30pm with the WORST heartburn/indigestion ever. It was so bad I had to get up and then I got so nauseous and ended up throwing up. I fell asleep on the couch and when I woke up around 3am, I still felt terrible. There was a knot in the upper part of my stomach and I still felt the heartburn and deep burping. Went back to bed and woke up today not even feeling better. I barely ate anything all day (so nauseous and headachy and weak) and just laid on the couch and slept on and off and burped a ton. It's crazy - the last time I felt this way was when I was pregnant with DS. It felt exactly the same - the only thing was that with DS, this didn't happen until I was about 6 weeks pregnant or so. I am only 9DPO! My mind (and body) feel like this has to be pregnancy, but it seems way too early for anything like this, so I don't want to fool myself. I took a pregnancy test tonight and last I looked, it was negative, but then I realized that I'm only 9DPO and most likely wouldn't get a BFP anyway. So strange though - maybe some low grade food poisoning??  Time will tell (of course), but I am telling myself that if I am pregnant, yay (even though I still feel like hell tonight) and if I'm not, yay because then I won't have to feel so sick so soon. I was really ill with DS and yesterday/today REALLY brought me back to how hard that was.

[ClumsySugarPlum]

mayday: yay! So happy for you!

Happytobeamama: I hope your indigestion is a blessing in disguise, and either way doesn't linger ;)

Zenquaker: I don't know what to say. I sense that your child is lucky to have you as their mama. Also, working in public education, I have met many sweet, wonderful souls in foster care whose potential as great thinkers I have worried about- meaning I hope their foster parents fully appreciate how beautiful/ insightful they are. I feel that however our children come to us, they have chosen us specifically. I know that must be hard to hear as someone who has low fertility, but I think that means the bond between mother and child is something extra special because it defies odds. Again, that doesn't exactly make sense, but then I like to think a lot of what explains love can't be put into language.

Good night, friends.

[dakipode]

Pokey, I hear you on the "placement" and nowadays within the US that is certainly an accurate description though I don't feel that it applies to me since I was international coming from an orphanage... I see your point though, placing your hope in another entity/person for a better future for your child.

I hope you're able to find some peace of mind while your wife is away. I'm usually happy to have DH out of town since it happens so rarely. I think: "Oooh, now I get to do all the exciting things I never get to do while he's around!" such as having a sandwich for dinner, watching a movie and going to bed early.

happy2be, hope you're feeling better today either way.

AFM: I've got all my usual symptoms and I've decided I really don't know the difference, for one because I've never actually been pregnant. So who knows? I've got the doctor's appointment scheduled and I think I'll wait to test until AF shows up. LOL, I know there's no logic in that but last cycle it ended up working out that way and I didn't have to waste an HPT... As it is AF should be showing up around 4th of July, yay, right?

To stay sane I've been knitting a lot the past couple of days though I really need to focus on the tasks at hand, been ignoring some business stuff. I'm also heading out on a shopping trip. Talk about being in the moment, I'm so ADD when it comes to shopping, how much more NOW can it get?

Wishing you all a great week!

[pokeyAC]

dakipode-They do need to come up with some better language for adoption.  It's such a selfless, generous act.  I hear ya about being able to do all the things I like to do when DW is out of town.  I got a frozen pizza for dinner and a sweet treat to snack on.  And I get to watch whatever I want on TV.

It makes sense to wait and see if AF shows up.  That is what I have mostly done. I've only tested once.  I hope you do get to test though because that will mean AF is late.  Either way I hope the Dr's appointment goes well.  I think it can contribute to a peaceful attitude to have more information about what's going on.  Even if there is a problem, it gives you a direction, something to work on.  I find it comforting to have something to do, whether it's go to an appointment or take a medication. It gives me a structure to my cycle, and it gives me a way to mark the days.  Even with just taking my progesterone every day, it feels like a ritual.  It's something I do twice a day that could be helping me have a baby someday.  There's so much we can't control in this process, that it feels good to have something to do.

[writinglove]

I've now entered the 2ww. Waiting to O was worrying for me this go around, but I was able to catch myself most times I found myself pushing time and willing myself to O. It's all in the hands of the fates now. Wow, I've done everything I can! Now it is up to me to eat well, stay away from harsh chemicals, and do my best to stay grounded. I'll be on vacation starting this Wednesday, so my mind will be off of TTC. What a blessing!

Zenq, I echo Clumsy's words, any foster/adopted/birth child will be lucky to have you as a mother. I love the idea of our children choosing us specifically.

[dakipode]

Originally Posted by pokeyAC I think it can contribute to a peaceful attitude to have more information about what's going on.  Even if there is a problem, it gives you a direction, something to work on.  I find it comforting to have something to do, whether it's go to an appointment or take a medication. It gives me a structure to my cycle, and it gives me a way to mark the days.  Even with just taking my progesterone every day, it feels like a ritual.  It's something I do twice a day that could be helping me have a baby someday.  There's so much we can't control in this process, that it feels good to have something to do.

YES, exactly! Having something to work on. Feeling like you have some sort of control, however little, and it's not completely out of your hands and leaves you feeling helpless.

I hadn't thought about a ritual. I keep saying I need more of that in my life, more meaning, more positive reinforcement. Thanks for that!

[SKJ2011]

Hi ladies,

Waiting to O here. Had my first visit to the RE. Obsessed A LOT about the blood work results and haven't even gotten the doctor's take on thing.

Just read this and I thought of this thread: http://www.sourcehealing.com/how-to-let-go-while-trying-to-conceive/ I love this: What does it mean to Let Go? It means to live your life and make decisions based on the fact that you actually trust your body can heal and do what it’s biologically set up to do, no matter what you’ve been through.

My DH always says to "trust the process". Perhaps I need to follow that advice.

Also, this may be helpful to some. http://www.sourcehealing.com/5-ways-to-help-you-get-pregnant/