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A Saner 2ww: Thunder Moon - Page 3post #41 of 1266/25/12 at 12:12pmpost #42 of 1266/26/12 at 9:26am
I finally watched this today at the recommendation of a good friend and mentor. It's a 20 minute speech by Neil Gaiman about failure, success, life, being passionate and enjoying the ride. While it's addressed at graduating art students it resonates with me because these points he makes apply to life in general. It's a very zen kind of speech.post #43 of 1266/26/12 at 10:21am
thank you, Dakipode! I love Neil Gaiman's balance of light and dark in his novels and will have to check that out.
I have been visualizing this month while waiting to O, and seeing DH's little dudes as concertgoers who show up early and mill around on the floor while waiting for the main act to take the stage. Every time we BD I see that crowd growing and getting more energetic. Their wait will end as the curtain rises to reveal the star of the show - an egg who in my mind is a nicely rounded diva and invites the dudes onstage. We'll see where this goes in the 2WW.
Anyone else have little stories/meditations/visuals you apply to the TTC cycle?post #44 of 1266/26/12 at 11:55am
kimble - I love your visualization - especially the part where you're the diva and invite them onstage!
AFM: Ladies, I am in a funk today. I am 10DPO (I think) and am just feeling sad and beat down and like we're out this month. I know this thread is the "Sane 2WW" but I am feeling a little insane these past few days. I can usually get past the hoping and wondering and can be distracted by work, my son and my full life, but I am experiencing lots of symptoms that keep pulling me out of my sanity. I usually discount anything during the 2WW, but these are not just in the background anymore. I am still nauseous, can barely eat and am burping up everything I eat. I had a bit of brown spotting last night and I feel like I'm going to the bathroom every 10 minutes to see if it's all the way gone or has turned into AF (hello short luteal phase if that happens). I took another test today and it was a BFN. I go in later this afternoon to get the second blood draw for my progesterone level check and I have no idea how I'm going to handle it with feeling nauseous like this and not having eaten a lot.
I want to be sane! How do you all keep your sanity when you are getting mixed messages from your body (ie: distinct preggo symptoms and a BFN)? I'm at the point where I almost welcome AF because then I can just be released from this middle place, but I know that I have the power to release myself from this middle place, but I just need some inspiration and help in how to do that.
TIApost #45 of 1266/26/12 at 5:10pmThread Starterpost #46 of 1266/26/12 at 5:32pmQuote:
So, even that makes me feel more sane :) Thank you for the validation. I think I have resolved to let myself be whatever I am (insane) until a BFP or AF appears.post #47 of 1266/26/12 at 9:18pm
Kimble, your visualization is awesome!
Happy- I am with you about the agony of the second half of the 2ww. I’ve come this far without obsessing, so I’m hoping I can hold out till Sunday. I also am feeling super emotional.
I don’t think I can even write about it right now, but dh and I just had a super-serious talk about our individual and collaborative work-life balance. This particular conversation couched in a year of underemployment, being non-renewed from my teaching position last spring, numerous rejection letters, and ultimately settling for a teaching position that pays only half of what my colleagues make, was really too much to bear. My plan to move forward involves immediate reassurance that my husband still loved me (yes, I am that insecure- or emotional) and a calendar to plan every second of our lives for the next year. What I have to let go of is a sense of being owed something. I’ve noticed that this is a typical reaction for me to a variety of situations when things don’t go my way. Growing up, I always obeyed the rules and got good grades and the results seemed predictable. I’ve learned as an adult that the results of my efforts are not nearly as predictable, and a huge sense of being wronged washes over me. I don’t think of myself as a sad person. In fact, the time I feel most comfortable in my skin is when I’m looking to the future and making plans. So, rather than stay in a gloomy moment from my past, brooding over my past wrongs, I need to make plans. Think about the present reality, how I can best enjoy it, and then make future plans to fully come into this reality.
I don’t know if that’s helpful for anyone else. But writing it definitely brought me some clarity just now, thank god, because two hours ago everything seemed out of control.
Good night, mamas. Peace be with you. I’m so thankful I have you with me on this journey.post #48 of 1266/26/12 at 10:04pm
This story is so deep and powerful - she really strips it down to essence, embraces the pain and discomfort of this mortal existence, and says Yes to all of life. Transformative reading. Every line of it is a meditation. It's a story about birth but the core realizations apply just as perfectly to ttc/pregnancy/all of life.
Sure to be hugely comforting during the tww:
I love the trust that whatever happens, happens for us, not to us. Life happens for us, not against us.
Edited by keeptryst - 6/26/12 at 10:19pmpost #49 of 1266/27/12 at 9:41amQuote:
What I have to let go of is a sense of being owed something. I’ve noticed that this is a typical reaction for me to a variety of situations when things don’t go my way. Growing up, I always obeyed the rules and got good grades and the results seemed predictable. I’ve learned as an adult that the results of my efforts are not nearly as predictable, and a huge sense of being wronged washes over me. I don’t think of myself as a sad person. In fact, the time I feel most comfortable in my skin is when I’m looking to the future and making plans. So, rather than stay in a gloomy moment from my past, brooding over my past wrongs, I need to make plans. Think about the present reality, how I can best enjoy it, and then make future plans to fully come into this reality.
I can totally relate to this. I am a very lawful person, I follow the rules and expect to be rewarded for doing so. I'm very attached to the concept of justice and getting what you deserve and it upsets me when things don't happen that way.
Planning helps me feel in control, I need that. I need to know that the things I do matter and make a difference and it's not all up to chance.
I was reading the blog entry keeptryst recommended and I felt myself fighting it. I could not, or did not want to accept the concept of being willing, because that feels like the opposite of "doing and being rewarded for doing so".
Strangely I'm not concerned at all about the 2WW. I'm more preoccupied with the other parts of my life. Things feel out of balance and I realized that balance for me is a ratio and it's not necessarily 50/50. There are so many aspects to my life, my interests, my pursuits, that the ratio is always in flux, and 25/25/25/25 won't mean that I'll be happy. I finally saw that. I might need 8/47/23/22 to feel balanced and happy...
By the way, kimble, I love your visualization! I'll probably think of that now every time we BD!
Wishing you all a peaceful day.post #50 of 1266/27/12 at 11:06amClumsy/Dakipode - I feel this way too! Every time I do a personality test, it says I should be in law enforcement It is really hard for me to feel like doing my best doesn't guarantee success. In the past, working hard always paid off. In the case of TTC, working hard doesn't do much. For me, this turns into blaming myself month after month. It's not healthy, but I'm struggling with how to channel those feelings. If it's not becuase I didn't work hard enough, what is it? I know rationally it's that these things are out of my control, but I have a hard time believing that emotionally.
In regards to balance, I thought this idea was really helpful: "What does it mean to Let Go? It means to live your life and make decisions based on the fact that you actually trust your body can heal and do what it’s biologically set up to do, no matter what you’ve been through. Above all, it means that in the greater scheme of things, you TRUST that there is a bigger picture for you that you may not be able to see. So how do you let go to? Well, you can make the focus about getting your body back in balance as opposed to just pregnancy. When your body is in balance, your life is in balance. When you make balance the focus, it’s an act of love towards your body, and what doesn’t respond well to that?" It's about our bodies, but I think it translates to our lives in general.
I think it helps me to actively let go. I'm not giving up, I'm re-balancing my focus on my whole self.
AFM - I got a +OPK today (CD 10). I'm trying my best not to read into it. I wish I could figure out how to just let life happen instead of trying to force my desires on things beyond my control. To this end, I've been thinking of how it may be that I get pregnant this month, or it could be next month or the one after. Believing that it WILL happen someday makes the timing of things less important.
Off to do my fertility yoga now.post #51 of 1266/27/12 at 4:32pm
I definitely need to read this blog post you all are talking about. I will do that next.
AFM: I got the results back from my progesterone draw and I'm pretty crushed. The first draw (8DPO) should be 15 or greater and mine was 3. The second draw (11DPO) should be 8-10 and mine was 8 (not terribly bad). Honestly, I'm also feeling crushed because of the way the nurse delivered the results. I said something like, "So the 8 is at least near the normal, right?" and she said something like, "Oh no, that's not nearly enough to sustain a pregnancy - you need 20 or above," (which didn't fit with what she'd just said about the normal range). Then she said something like, "Sweetheart, you'll need to be on progesterone if you want to sustain a pregnancy..." which sucked to hear. The thing is, I don't know that she's right. I have a 5-year-old DS and I looked through my records and I had the same kind of cycles back then as I have now. Maybe even back then my progesterone was this low. So now between DS's wonky sperm and my lack of progesterone, we are fighting what feels like an uphill battle. I'm realizing too that the reality of the data and numbers is that you have info to make choices from, but you also have these numbers that may mean nothing but now they feel like law. My instinct is that I don't want to be on progesterone injections. I would like to find other ways to regulate my cycle and boost my progesterone - whether that's acupuncture, being on B complex for longer, womb massage, etc, but I also don't want to be in denial and prolonging the inevitable. Does anyone have any advice about this in terms of boosting progesterone?
To top it all off, my period still isn't here and I'm still as nauseous as before. I took another (my last) test today and again BFN. But now, after what the nurse said, I feel like there's no way I could actually be pregnant. So I'm crushed on a few levels.post #52 of 1266/27/12 at 5:16pm
happy2bemama- did she say you have to do injections of progesterone? Almost a year ago I asked my midwife at my annual well woman exam about spotting during the week up to my period (and then another week long period). Not fun. She told me that my progesterone might be low (we didn't even test it) and that I could try an over the counter progesterone cream. Is asked if low progesterone could have been the cause of my very early miscarriage a few months before, and she said that there was no way to know for sure, but that it was possible. Since then I take (rub topically) 1/2 tsp. of progesterone cream twice a day the week before my period and stop when my period starts. No more spotting. Two cycles ago I drank a ton of Red Raspberry Leaf tea during my period and did the progesterone before, had the easiest period ever. 5 days and no early spotting. Even my cramps and breast tenderness was better. I would ask your midwife or physician about it for sure. Also, I'm aware that there is an oral form available, but some don't like it because it can cause nausea.post #53 of 1266/27/12 at 6:23pm
CSP - thank you for sharing your story!!! YES, this is something I would totally be open to doing and I think would be a big help. The nurse did talk about injections, but I think that's only because that's what she deals with. I would be happy to start the cream as a first move. What brand do you use and where do you get it? Have you had any side effects?
Thanks so much :)post #54 of 1266/27/12 at 7:41pm
Happy - no side effects that I can think of. I've used a couple different brands, but the one I'm on right now is Source Naturals. The label says it has 22mg. of natural progesterone USP from soy. So, if you're sensitive to soy, you'll have to look closely at the labels. The label also says premenopausal women should take it 14 days before menstruation starts. I would talk to your practioner and ask if that recommendation has more to do with ovulation. If you have a short luteal phase, I would think 14 days before could maybe mess up your O date. I think I've timed taking it to when I'm pretty sure O is over.
Hope this helps!post #55 of 1266/27/12 at 9:29pmpost #56 of 1266/28/12 at 7:19ampost #57 of 1266/28/12 at 7:44amhappy2bmama - I've also used natural progesterone cream. It didn't help me much, but I don't think it can hurt. There is a really interesting website with lots of info: http://www.womhoo.com/index.aspx It's a HORRIBLE looking website, just FYI. But, you can email the doctor for suggestions. I did so and he basically said to eliminate all xenoestrogens from my lifestyle. I've been working on that, but they are in EVERYTHING.post #58 of 1266/28/12 at 9:03ampost #59 of 1266/28/12 at 3:27pmpost #60 of 1266/28/12 at 3:34pm
Clumsysugarplum- Acupuncture can be pricey. My acupuncturist doesn't take my insurance so I pay $50 a visit. I have a flexible spending account and those can be used for acupuncture but not the herbs. There are some clinics around here that charge on a sliding scale from $15-$30. That is a really good value. You should see if there are any where you live.
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