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I'm Lost Too!

post #1 of 16
Thread Starter 

I have a 2 year and 2 month old little boy named Bradley. He is terrorizing my daughter that is 4 and 8 months old and his entire class at school. They say they've never seen a child that is so violent. Which is completely heart breaking for a mom to hear her child is the worst they've seen. I got an incident report today that said EVERY time he sits in a group setting he hits or kicks the child next to him. When riding in the car he'll reach over and randomly hit or pull his sister's hair and she'll cry and he'll laugh. When he gets angry he starts biting and hitting. We've tried everything with in reason. He will not sit in time out and I'll spend 20 minutes trying to put him back in time out if he acts up. Today we made a spakin' spoon to use if he hits or bites now. I don't have anyone to ask what to do because no one that I know have had a violent child like mine. PLEASE HELP!!!

 

Thanks, Erin

post #2 of 16

Is he hit at home? Children that age mimic. If you want him to be non violent you need to model that behaviour for him. which means NOT hitting spanking or otherwise using violence towards him at all.

post #3 of 16
Hi. I understand you are frustrated and worried. But please, a spanking spoon will not help an already violent child! I would speak to your doctor if he's behaviour is as severe as you describe. Does he have periods when he is NOT violent? Is he capable of interacting with other children without using aggression? If no, then I would ask him to be evaluated by a child psychologist. I would also make sure that when he lashes out at your dd, you give HER a lot of fuss and attention. If he finds himself removed from the situation and her being cuddled and fussed over he might realize that his behaviour doesn't quite have the effect he was hoping for (if his motivation is seeking attention)
Good luck!
post #4 of 16

I do not think spanking will help, it could make the problem worse. Time outs really worked for us. It was very hard to establish the rules of time outs, but you HAVE to be consistent or it will not work. Hugs.

post #5 of 16

At barely 2 years of age and with this many issues already, there very well may be something else going on with him. I would highly suggest asking your pediatrician for a referral to Early Intervention.They will come out and do a free assessment and possibly provide some answers and/or help. You can call yourself as well but sometimes it gets to the right people faster with a referral. 

post #6 of 16
Thread Starter 

Awesome thanks for all the feed back. We hadn't spanked before when he was acting violent and we don't yell or fight in front of our children so I don't think he's copying the behavior from home. I hadn't had the chance to read the feed back before we used the "spankin" spoon however I only had to use it once and he hasn't hit or bitten or pinched another child or anyone in our family. I don't want to celebrate too soon but it's as if he's a new child. 

 

Just a quick note, we would never physically hurt him or scream at him. I feel like he was just trying to dominate the relationships and when he realized that hitting hurts because his spankin hurt he has stopped doing it. I just remind him periodically that if he hits he will get a spankin and it seems to be working. Thanks for all your feed back. 

 

I've also been spending an hour at his daycare just to monitor his behavior and his teachers say it's like a new child.

 

Yea! Praise God for progress!

post #7 of 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by OneLostMomma View Post

 

 

Just a quick note, we would never physically hurt him or scream at him. I feel like he was just trying to dominate the relationships and when he realized that hitting hurts because his spankin hurt he has stopped doing it. I just remind him periodically that if he hits he will get a spankin and it seems to be working.

 

I really encourage you to re-read your words right there.  You say that you would never hurt him and then say he now knows hitting hurts--- because you hurt him.  You may not be screaming at him, but if you are reminding him that he is going to get a spanking--- you are threatening him.

 

When you say you've tried everything within reason, what have you tried specifically?  You mention time outs.  What does that look like in your house?

post #8 of 16

I used to work at a children's hospital where they had signs posted describing the difference between spanking and abuse...hitting a child with any object moved discipline from the realm of "spanking" into that of abuse.  

 

Please, reconsider the spanking spoon--my mom used to hit us with her rubber flip flops and it HURT.  

 

Further, spanking (even that which the children's hospital signs deemed "okay") just teaches a kid that it's appropriate to hit a smaller, weaker person...why hit to show that hitting is wrong?  

 

Please, check out the gentle discipline forum for ideas for how to parent without abusing your child.  

post #9 of 16
Thread Starter 

I was spanked as a child and have a great relationship with my parents and I've never viewed the spankings I received from them as abuse. In the bible I read it says spare the rod spoil the child. We NEVER spake out of emotion or anger it is a simple consequence for their action. I appreciate everyone taking the time to comment however it seems we just have different understandings of what is acceptable. I know there are people out there that have a strictly no spanking policy in their home we're just more traditional. I feel kids are so much more disrespectful now then they were 20-30 years ago because of the fear of being politically correct. My son thought it was OK to hit because he had never been hit and no matter how many times I told him it hurts he didn't connect the dots. I was just looking for a magical solution to the craziness. What I've noticed is that people that haven't had a crazy out of control child says don't spank but the friends I've had and people online say their child only quit when they were spanked. I've gone back and forth about the spanking thing and if my God says it's an acceptable way to discipline my out of control child then that's what I'm going to do. Again thank you for everyone's feed back. 

post #10 of 16

OneLostMama--looks like you're new to Mothering.  This community is clear that spanking is an unacceptable form of discipline.  If you would like to educate yourself on other methods of parenting please head over to gentle discipline.  You will not find support here for spanking or any other form of corporal punishment.  If you are trolling for an argument...you won't get one.  There is nothing to argue about--hitting children is not accepted here.  

post #11 of 16
The gentle discipline forum is a good place to go for ideas. I do really understand your frustration as I've had similar problems with my son hurting his little sister. But spanking him is not the answer!

I can imagine it is hard to hear from others that you are being abusive when you are at your wits end and only trying to be a good parent. But please re-think your approach. Spanking is not good for children. This comprehensive report gives some pretty undeniable evidence: http://www.phoenixchildrens.com/PDFs/principles_and_practices-of_effective_discipline.pdf

This is a good article too: http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/positive-discipline/should-I-spank-my-child
Ahaparenting is a great website full of empowering, eye-opening resources.

As for the "spare the rod" saying, it has been twisted and misinterpreted! Please read this analysis:
http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=214x14547

I hope you take this as I mean it, to be helpful and give you new discipline tools, and not as an attack or judgement on you. You are obviously doing your best, as we all are, and I really think learning about gentle discipline will be good for your family.
post #12 of 16

Kedrosami--thanks!!!  Great links!

post #13 of 16

hmmm, my personal God tells me it is better to be  gentle and non violent with my child. I wonder whose is right. Strange, I wonder if there is more than one God? obviously I am being snarky here but I couldn't resist. If you truly believe that God says you should spank your child then I doubt there is anything any of us here can say to change your mind. But I do feel sad about it. And yes, Mothering dot com  does not support hitting children.

post #14 of 16
Hi and welcome to MDC! As other posters have mentioned - we don't endorse spanking of physically disciplining your child and have a strong philosophy of gentle discipline.

I appreciate being at your wit's end and reaching for what seems like a logical solution.

I am going to link you to some of our older threads about discipline, Christianity and the Bible. Lots of our moms have struggled with this very issue of the Bible quote about sparing the rod. It might be interesting information for you to see how others have interpreted this piece, and what they have done instead.

http://www.mothering.com/community/t/299675/spare-the-rod-spoil-the-child/0_100

http://www.mothering.com/community/t/99832/gentle-discipline-biblically/0_100

http://www.mothering.com/community/t/879427/christians-and-gentle-discipline/0_100

I hope that some of those give you some other options than hitting your child to enforce your will. There are so many other tools out there, and other ways to get your point across - even for an out of control child.
post #15 of 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by OneLostMomma View Post

I was spanked as a child and have a great relationship with my parents and I've never viewed the spankings I received from them as abuse. In the bible I read it says spare the rod spoil the child. We NEVER spake out of emotion or anger it is a simple consequence for their action. I appreciate everyone taking the time to comment however it seems we just have different understandings of what is acceptable. I know there are people out there that have a strictly no spanking policy in their home we're just more traditional. I feel kids are so much more disrespectful now then they were 20-30 years ago because of the fear of being politically correct. My son thought it was OK to hit because he had never been hit and no matter how many times I told him it hurts he didn't connect the dots. I was just looking for a magical solution to the craziness. What I've noticed is that people that haven't had a crazy out of control child says don't spank but the friends I've had and people online say their child only quit when they were spanked. I've gone back and forth about the spanking thing and if my God says it's an acceptable way to discipline my out of control child then that's what I'm going to do. Again thank you for everyone's feed back. 

 

I'd first like to address your comment about "spare the rod, spoil the child."  I'd recommend you read the book "The Complete Book of Christian Parenting and Child Care: A Medical and Moral Guide to Raising Happy Healthy Children" by William Sears for a good Christain take on discipline.  Here is some information from him:

 

http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/discipline-behavior/spanking/10-reasons-not-hit-your-child

 

 

Quote:
6. HITTING IS ACTUALLY NOT BIBLICAL

Don't use the Bible as an excuse to spank. There is confusion in the ranks of people of Judeo-Christian heritage who, seeking help from the Bible in their effort to raise godly children, believe that God commands them to spank. They take "spare the rod {C} and spoil the child" seriously and fear that if they don't spank, they will commit the sin of losing control of their child. In our counseling experience, we find that these people are devoted parents who love God and love their children, but they misunderstand the concept of the rod.

 

Rod verses - what they really mean. The following are the biblical verseswhich have caused the greatest confusion:

"Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him." (Prov. 22:15)

"He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him." (Prov. 13:24)

"Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die. Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death." (Prov. 23:13-14)

"The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to itself disgraces his mother." (Prov. 29:15)

At first glance these verses may sound pro-spanking. But you might consider a different interpretation of these teachings. "Rod" (shebet) means different things in different parts of the Bible. The Hebrew dictionary gives this word various meanings: a stick (for punishment, writing, fighting, ruling, walking, etc.). While the rod could be used for hitting, it was more frequently used for guiding wandering sheep. Shepherds didn't use the rod to beat their sheep - and children are certainly more valuable than sheep. As shepherd-author Philip Keller teaches so well in A Shepherd Looks At Psalm 23, the shepherd's rod was used to fight off prey and the staff was used to gently guide sheep along the right path. ("Your rod and your staff, they comfort me." – Psalm 23:4).

Jewish families we've interviewed, who carefully follow dietary and lifestyle guidelines in the Scripture, do not practice "rod correction" with their children because they do not follow that interpretation of the text.

The book of Proverbs is one of poetry. It is logical that the writer would have used a well-known tool to form an image of authority. We believe that this is the point that God makes about the rod in the Bible – parents take charge of your children. When you re-read the "rod verses," use the concept of parental authority when you come to the word "rod," ratherthan the concept of beating or spanking. It rings true in every instance.

 

Secondly, while it is hard, children who tend towards being out of control are among those who it is most important to not use physical punishment on.  While their behaviors are frustrating, it is never appropriate to hit.  You are simply saying that a person in power/ larger person can impose their will on a smaller/weaker person. 

post #16 of 16

OneLostMomma--

 

Here is another collection of articles that may be helpful to you and give you some real solutions:

 

http://www.naturalchild.org/articles/gentle_guidance.html

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