Edited by LunaLady - 6/21/12 at 5:11pm
I couldn't read and not reply, at least to offer a little support. Although it was never as bad as what you are experiencing, I dealt with postpartum depression and I too felt like I had made a horrible decision and ruined my life. I understand how hellish it must feel to have those emotions brewing in your mind.
I think you really need to get in touch with the doctor's office and explain the severity of your symptoms. If they still won't offer you a sooner appointment (given the intensity of what you're feeling, they should be taking you in immediately), you need to go elsewhere. Unfortunately I can't offer advice on where else you could go (such as an independent therapy center that operates outside of your insurance--one that will offer financial help if that is an issue); hopefully another poster can give you specifics there. But you need to deal with this right away. As to whether or not therapy will help you, it may be that you need medication. I don't think, given what you've described, that a therapist is going to sit across from you and just give you some gentle advice. You need concrete tools to help you overcome this, and if you see a therapist who doesn't give those to you, you need to find another one. If you feel too overwhelmed to do any of this, is there someone in your support system who can help with the locating/scheduling/coordinating for you?
I wish I could offer you more. I wish you all the healing in the world.
I agree with the previous poster. You are not alone, you are not a bad person, you are just suffering from an illness. It won't always be like this, I promise. The good news is, it's treatable. It's great that you posted her and shared your feelings. I went to a great conference on PPD a while back and heard the founder of this site speak: postpartumprogress.com
could be a good place for some immediate support as you seek out medical help.
Best of luck mama. It'a going to be OK.
I agree that you sound like you are in crisis, OP. I am worried about you. Please talk to someone who you think will be supportive, whether a friend, family member, or professional. The link I posed above has some good resources.Here's an article on the difference between typical new mom blues, and postpartum depression:
Please update when you can. We are all rooting for you.
Please find a local resource for some professional counseling. I'm sure it is helpful to express your feelings here with us but you really need someone who can help you and can discuss some possible options you might not have considered.
Please read through our resources at the top of the forum. I've copied them here for you:
According to Postpartum International, 1 in 8 moms suffer from Postpartum Depression (PPD)
Check out this great radio interview on Breastfeeding and PPD with Kathleen Kendall Tackett
Ma'at Grant offers postpartum soothers in Mothering the Mother
Facebook page for Postpartum Depression Survivors
Postpartum Support International Warmline: 1-800-944-4773
National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
Other Emergency Resources
Please let us hear from you so we know you are okay.
Thank you so much for the update. I've been really worried.