A year of many losses, not sure how to heal.

[Shiloh]

This year has brought many losses. 

My friend committed suicide, my friends brother committed suicide both had 2 children.

My uncle died from alcoholism.  I lost a cousin to cancer.  I lost a coworker on my team to a heart attack.

I lost a pregnancy.  My hamster and fish died.  I am going through a divorce, so are many of my friends.

In addition my new dp's mom is dying. My parents one had another stroke another a heart attack. 

I am trying to cope, to grieve but am having a hard time teasing out the losses as they compound and trigger old traumas and losses.

I know I am hurting and I have a great support system, I just want to be more resilient.

I want to know how to heal, or start the process.  I just feel like I am standing in the ocean and each wave knocks me down, I get back up only to be hit in the face again by another wave. 

where can I start?

I feel as if everyone keeps taking bets on when I will crack.
They don't realise I crack every day.....

[Cynthia Mosher]

I'm so sorry Shiloh.  I can only imagine how hard this has all been for you. I'm not sure what to say to help you move to a more resilient place in your emotional self but after reading your post I wanted to reach out and give you a hug. 

[KirstenO]

Hi Shiloh, 

I only had 3 losses in 1 year. My grandmother, then my only child died at birth, and 2 months later my grandfather died. All 3 very dear special people. 

You said it is like a wave hits you, and you get up only to be knocked down again.  You have started healing....as you said...you get up. It might knock you down again, and again, and again but you get up. Sometimes that's what we can do....get up in the morning. Be gentle with yourself. 

[Shiloh]

I am on my feet, but I feel this need to "deal" so that I don't keep getting knocked down.

I hate this feeling of grief and feeling out of control.

"taking care of myself" seems to only get me more stressed since "nothing gets done" then.

I need a getting back on my feet plan.

Yeah I am a planner!

[HappyHappyMommy]

Originally Posted by Shiloh 
"taking care of myself" seems to only get me more stressed since "nothing gets done" then.

I need a getting back on my feet plan.

Yeah I am a planner!

I'm so sorry for your losses. What one person needs for self-care differs from what another needs. So, if making a plan or getting something done is what you need, then that's ok. As one of the PPs said, "be gentle with yourself." Figuring out what you need, what self-care helps the most, and how to move forward isn't easy. I'm sending you lots of support and love.

PS You're not alone. Getting things done and/or having a plan are sometimes what I need to take care of myself.

[rightkindofme]

I make detailed schedules for the day. Otherwise I can lose whole days to doing nothing. Grief is hard. I'm so sorry for all your loss. That is a really brutal year.

Something you are going to need to think hard about is: grieving is a process. You can't do it in fast forward. It has stages and patterns that are easy to predict. You can't rush through no matter how much you would like to. If there were crib sheets I would have found them by now. Just sayin'.

Time. It takes time. You won't always feel this way. But you do right now and it sucks. I'm sorry.

[Shiloh]

It has been a brutal year.

His mom passed, now I am not healed and supporting him in his grief.

I have started putting my energy into tying up loose ends, painting, decluttering.

I may not be healthy now, but if I can control what I can, get my physical space healthy and try to not let things go to the last minute.

But sometimes I just get in my car, the bathroom, go for a walk and just cry....

I just don't know what to "do" with the sadness anymore and I feel guilty for feeling sad, I have my life I should live it.

[rightkindofme]

What you "do" is you cry and you are gentle with yourself. You *are* living your life. You are just also sad. That is part of living. You wouldn't understand the joy you have at other points if there was no contrast. That's what I tell myself.

I've had years with that much death. They are hard. They are dark in memory. If I need to cry, I cry. Everyone needs to cry sometimes.

[HappyHappyMommy]

Shiloh, I've been thinking of you and I am sending support and hugs your way. It's ok to grieve.

Originally Posted by Shiloh 
I just don't know what to "do" with the sadness anymore and I feel guilty for feeling sad, I have my life I should live it.

Originally Posted by rightkindofme 

What you "do" is you cry and you are gentle with yourself. You *are* living your life. You are just also sad. That is part of living.

Yes, be gentle with yourself. it's ok to be sad and to cry. It's part of life.

It's also part of life to want to stop feeling the sadness. Given that you and several people in your life are all dealing with loss at once, a counselor might be particular helpful because she/he would be able to be focused on supporting you.

[Shiloh]

Thanks for the advice.

I have started doing some healthier things.

Being kinder on myself, trying to budget, painting the house and making things special.
It's progress and program, not plans and perfection.

[HappyHappyMommy]

Originally Posted by Shiloh 
I have started doing some healthier things.

Being kinder on myself, trying to budget, painting the house and making things special.
It's progress and program, not plans and perfection.

Shiloh. It sounds like you are doing a lot to take care of yourself. I wish you continued peace and healing during this difficult time.

[rightkindofme]

That sounds like growth. I'm glad for you.

[Shiloh]

Thanks.  It is not easy.  Especially when it seems to me that stress and death just keep coming!

I am painting and maybe even renovating a room in my house.

I have started going through the boxes of stuff, of memories, and putting them in "order".

Its funny I am now able to let stuff go and purge the healthier I get.

I still have my bottoming out periods, but they aren't days anymore just a few minutes or a few hours.

I figure atleast at the end of my grief I will have a cleaner, decluttered, home with organized shelves and closets...

and maybe some new beginnings.

[HappyHappyMommy]

Thinking of you Shiloh.
 

[BaileyB]

Hi shiloh! I somehow ended up over here and reading around. I just wanted to say that after having our stillborn it felt that after a certain amount of time people thought that when they saw me I should either be crying and devastated or pregnant and happy again. That made me so mad! I really got bitter towards people and stopped talking to them or caring about what they thought. Make sure you aren't letting other people project onto what they think you should be doing. It is def ok to go for a drive or walk just to cry. I still do that now 3 years later.

[Shiloh]

Its hard when it is such a soup.

I just went to cry in the bathroom, "coping" was not the goal I had for my life.

[HappyHappyMommy]

Shiloh, how are you doing today?
 

[Shiloh]

This weekend was nuts.
I called my exh and cried cause he's not seen the kids much this summer.
(3 times in 10 weeks I yeah he lives in town)
Its upsetting the kids, he doesn't call or email....he's special.

I decided to renovate my kitchen and a bathroom.
I bought a dishwasher used, that should help life a bit easier.

I'm repainting the entire house.
I'm guessing its cathartic but feels hellish and anxiety ridden!
I think I'm going to go for hypnosis to help me deal.
The tears still come daily.
But I'm okay. It just sucks and blows.

My godmother is now dying.
I feel guilty I missed her birthday.
I didn't make time to see her on my last trip.

But with 4 kids, work, school, projects and a quasi social dating life...
I'm spread so thin.

[HappyHappyMommy]

Originally Posted by Shiloh 
I'm spread so thin.

There is only one you. I empathize about how hard it is when what you want to do and what you are able to are not the same. Be gentle with yourself when you have those feelings. And keep taking care of yourself. I'm sending good thoughts and comfort your way.

[Shiloh]

My godmother had a heart attack and died Tuesday.

I am numb. I cannot figure out if I have just gotten to the point where I am a pro at this grief thing or what.

This is all been too much, I understand the patterns of grief but its almost as if I am expecting it or thinking when I meet with people what will I do when they die...

cause everyone dies and my tribe keeps getting smaller.  I wish I could say this is it but I have two grandmothers in their 90's and winter is coming.

My other aunt has had RA and is now on enough morphine to kill a whale.

My father is having surgery soon, really I don't even breathe in and hold it anymore...

I am going with the flow.

It sucks.

Do I need therapy?