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My DSD's 16 yo sister is pregnant and I feel like it is somewhat my fault (may be triggering)

post #1 of 7
Thread Starter 

My DSD's  (stepdaughter) sister "Betty" is pretty close to us even though DH is not her biological father. She has spent a lot of time with us over the years, and things have been in a downward spiral in her life for the past two years. She has been hospitalized for depression several times and went through a period where she cut herself a lot. She has tried to commit suicide twice. Things seemed to be looking up last fall - she was taking her meds talking about college and medical school and seemed to be on a healthy path.

 

Suddenly, everything reversed. She dropped out of school and ran away from home. Started smoking pot (I'm not anti-pot, I just felt that she was a little young + already on meds that affect her emotional/mental state). She met a boy, moved in with him and his mom, stepdad, grandma. She was sleeping in her boyfriend's room. At this point, DH and I invite her over for dinner because her mom knew that she was somewhere in a certain city but little else. I meet the boyfriend (who is a 17 yo budding piercer and practicing all over her) briefly, then in the car I find out about the sleeping arrangements. I ask about birth control, find out they are using condoms, and we make a date to take her to my midwife to get on the pill.

 

Then my mom goes into kidney and liver failure. I wind up spending the next month going back and forth from WI to sit in the ICU, etc. I have to cancel the appointment because I am in WI. Mind you, I am also trying to finish year one of pharmacy school at this time. During one point where I am back, through FB and other internet searching, I realize that the BF's stepdad raped a 13 yo girl ten years ago. DH tells DSD's mom, she send the cops to fetch a belligerent Betty. Betty refuses to go home with DSD's mom (who is in the process of moving into her parents' house from her alcoholic BF's house). Betty winds up living with her older (half) sister who smokes a lot of pot and not much else. And lives within walking distance of the BF. DSD's mom gets a restraining order against the BF's parents, who were trying to get guardianship of Betty (who comes with a $1500 social security payment to the parent/guardian). Betty snaps her phone in half to avoid her mom's phone calls.

 

So I have no way to contact her, my mom to deal with, finals to take, etc. I'm pissed that DSD's mom did not make Betty come home. So I give up. I never rescheduled the appointment.

 

This week, there were a bunch of signs on FB that Betty was pregnant (or another one of DSD's mom's daughters), and I just *knew*. DSD's mom wouldn't return DH's calls and when he went to pick up DSD today, she said that she wasn't ready to talk about it. he messaged Betty directly. She is pregnant and keeping the baby.

 

I feel like crap and I don't know what to do. I hope DSD's mom isn't blaming me for this :(

post #2 of 7

hug2.gif

 

Well, you shouldn't feel guilty. You didn't do anything wrong. While the birth control pills might've been nice, it's not your fault she got pregnant just because you weren't able to get them for her. She even said they were using condoms, so she wasn't left with nothing. (Plus, have there been studies on the safety of BCPs in combination with the other drugs she's taking? Maybe it wouldn't have even been a good idea. *shrug*)

 

It sounds like you're a great supportive adult in her life, and she's going to need that now more than ever. I hope things work out for you guys.

 

Is she the loveeyes.gif in your signature?

post #3 of 7
16yr old is plenty capable of making a dr appt. no need to thing you were the only one that was capable of taking her. especially now, she's going have a lot more appts. Only so much you can do when it seems everyone else is pulling her in a different direction.
post #4 of 7

The person responsible for the 16 year old being pregnant is the 16 year old - and her boyfriend.

 

Just be a support for her (to your abilities) as she goes through this change.  

 

The next time you see her, I would take my cues from her. if she seems happy about the pregnancy, I would be (or act) happy too, and offer my congratulations.  Pregnant teens get an awful lot of "omg - you have  ruined your life!!!" from the media and society.  I would try hard not to be one of those voices.   

post #5 of 7
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by kathymuggle View Post
  

 

The next time you see her, I would take my cues from her. if she seems happy about the pregnancy, I would be (or act) happy too, and offer my congratulations.  Pregnant teens get an awful lot of "omg - you have  ruined your life!!!" from the media and society.  I would try hard not to be one of those voices.   

 

I have a friend who became pregnant at 18 and is in school with me (and just had a beautiful new little one this week!). Although she was young, she has been an amazing mother to her son and has worked really hard to achieve her goals in life, like going to college/grad school. She offered to spend an afternoon with Betty giving her some advice on teen mothering and sharing her experience. She knows a lot about the options available to teen moms (local high schools with daycare, for example), so that will probably be helpful. Also, spending an afternoon around a brand-new baby might give her a peek at what life will be like during that early time (lots of nursing!).

 

Although I think this isn't necessarily the best timing, I get the feeling that she is happy about the pregnancy. She already has a doula lined up (a friend's mom) and has chosen a beautiful natural birth center run by a well-respected MW/ND. She is going to need a lot of support, and I intend to be a part of that.

post #6 of 7
Quote:
Originally Posted by pinksprklybarefoot View Post

Although I think this isn't necessarily the best timing, I get the feeling that she is happy about the pregnancy. She already has a doula lined up (a friend's mom) and has chosen a beautiful natural birth center run by a well-respected MW/ND. She is going to need a lot of support, and I intend to be a part of that.

bigeyes.gif WHAT?!!!! she's only 16?!!!! that is AMAZING i have to admit. 

 

do you really think this was not the best timing?

 

i see what you have written about her past history and i think its perfect timing. 

 

i think its a conspiracy to assume teenagers make bad parents (not saying that's what you are saying). IRL its the same for adults as well as teens - some are good and some are bad.

 

sometimes pink, children just come. and there is nothing you can do about it. they arrive through amazing circumstances - even with double, triple protection. 

 

honestly i really think young teens can be a great time to have kids. you automatically find a village to help you. 

post #7 of 7
Quote:
Originally Posted by meemee View Post

bigeyes.gif WHAT?!!!! she's only 16?!!!! that is AMAZING i have to admit. 

 

do you really think this was not the best timing?

 

i see what you have written about her past history and i think its perfect timing. 

 

i think its a conspiracy to assume teenagers make bad parents (not saying that's what you are saying). IRL its the same for adults as well as teens - some are good and some are bad.

 

sometimes pink, children just come. and there is nothing you can do about it. they arrive through amazing circumstances - even with double, triple protection. 

 

honestly i really think young teens can be a great time to have kids. you automatically find a village to help you. 


I never thought of it that way... but I can see it. I got pregnant at 18 and totally had a ton more support than most women do with their first... hm. something to ponder.

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