I have always had anger issues, problems with patience and saying things I regret. I've always struggled with depression, anger, and anxiety, and I was extremely emotional during my second pregnancy. I think when my daughter was born 8 months ago, I suffered from mild PPD. At the time I didn't think I was, but looking back, I see how extreme my emotions were. A lot of self-loathing, self-injury (bruising), and even thinking about divorce.
Lately I find myself not wanting to be around my toddler. He angers me and frustrates me to no end. He is very affectionate and I am NOT a touchy person, and when he touches me it is like nails on a chalkboard. I feel like a horrible mother for feeling this way toward him. I say things in front of him that I know are hurtful and unnecessary, "He was horrible today," and "I can't stand him right now," and "I don't even want to be around him" ...things like that. When I feel like I am going to lose it with him, my heart palpitates like crazy and I can FEEL my blood pressure rising. I throw things, screamed, yell in his face, and put him in his room and slam the door.
The first time I really got mad at him like this was when I was pregnant. I had debilitating morning sickness and was trying to night-wean him, and on a difficult night when he was up for hours and I was feeling like crap, I lost my patience with him. He was 18 months old. There were other things going on at the time and I was going through a hard time, but there are no excuses. I threw a sippy cup across the room and hit the bed multiple times. It scared him. I immediately felt horrible and called my husband, sobbing about what an awful mommy I was and how much I regretted losing my patience and treating him like that. But ever since then, it's been "easier" to lose it with him, I guess you could say. I love him with all my heart and I hate, hate, HATE feeling like this toward him and treating him like this. I KNOW it's wrong. I hate myself for it. I want to get better, I want to change. I "blow up" maybe once every two weeks, and it is usually on a really difficult day (he keeps waking up his baby sister, he doesn't listen, he is being a typical loud & obnoxious toddler).
I know it's hard to help someone without knowing them completely, but please tell me it gets better. Any other mothers out there who have anxiety and anger and a history of depression? What can I do to help myself be a better mother? I'm not a horrible mother, am I?