When to tell? - Page 2 « Back to Group Discussions

[kalamos23]

With both DD and DS, I had big plans to tell our families, we told at 7w2d with DD (hadn't had any losses yet and had seen the heartbeat) at Thanksgiving for DH's side. We were planning on flying crosscountry to tell my family at around 9 weeks. MIL picked up the phone and started leaving messages on people's answering machines while I was begging her not to tell, that we hadn't even told my parents yet, etc. It was bad.

With DS, I was going to hit 12 weeks at Halloween, so I was going get something like this:

and take DD trick or treating to the ILs and tell them that way. We had found out we were pregnant with DS while on vacation with my parents so we told them at 4 weeks (mainly because I needed my mom's emotional support to get through the pregnancy, I was a wreck) and because we figured they should get told first after MIL's stunt with DD. Well, at 9 weeks, MIL (who had NOT seen me since before I was pregnant with DS, and knew about all the miscarriages) asked DH if I was pregnant and he said yes. There is no way that she could have even suspected it, she was just being nosy and wanted to tell everyone first. We ended up telling everyone at Thanksgiving (19 weeks pregnant).

So after all of that, MIL and FIL got a divorce and now I have no idea when we are going to tell. There is a ton more back story with MIL and I am not really feeling the need to tell her at all. We are supposed to spend Christmas with my family, so I might just show up pregnant :) 

[happylemon]

Originally Posted by LightForest 

Just hold the same beer/wine during the entire party and dump a bit in the bushes whenever no one's looking ;) Or have DP take sips for you on the sly.

Yep, that was my plan on the 4th of July, but by some odd turn of fate none of the other ladies were drinking. Maybe everyone is secretly knocked up?

[thentherewere4]

I have a bad feeling that I'm going to have to tell people earlier that I would like....I think I'm going to bulge quickly...I only POAS yesterday, and already things feel a little tight around the waist area.

I'm going to tell close friends here before they start guessing/wondering....playing that by ear.

...going to tell my family when I see them in August....

I'm going to tell MIL as late as possible, because I'm CERTAIN she will flip out....she already thought that 3 children was excessive. 

...not totally sure of dates, but I don't think I'm 5 weeks yet (due mid March (does that make sense?)), so I have some time to think about it.

TTW4

[filiadeluna]

I told everyone early with DD - around 5 weeks.  It was hard not to because A) we were so excited, B) at that point we had been childless and used to drinking with our friends every weekend, so they would have wondered why I wasn't drinking anymore.  

This time I think I'll wait awhile.  I just want to enjoy it with my husband for awhile.  I haven't even told him yet b/c he had to rush off to work this afternoon.  I want to tell him tonight when we have more time to spend together.  My mom lives with us now (as of last week), so I don't know how long I can keep it from her, but I just don't feel like telling her yet.

[withlittlelungs]

We have told 2 friends and my sister. I am waiting at least until my 10 week appointment to tell my partner's family (I'm excited to tell most of them). I am not looking forward to telling my parents. It didn't go over well when I was pregnant with DS, and I don't expect it to go any better this time around. The fact that we are having an out of hospital birth is going to drive my mother crazy, and I won't hear the end of it.

[BeagleSmuggler]

I told my mother before I took the test, and then called her when I got the positive result. Mostly because I thought I would need the support. The only other person we're planning on telling early is our dog walker.... yeah, strange choice I know. I have this totally weird relationship with my dog walker / friend. He has a sever mental illness, and needed someone to give him a low commitment job. I offered to have him walk our dogs twice a week, in exchange I cook him dinner and we watch videos together. My partner works swing shift (4 pm ish - 2 am ish) and usually calls in the evening to check in. Since my dog walker / friend will overhear the conversations I'm just going to have to tell him. He's discreet so I think he can keep the secret. 

For the rest we want to wait as long as possible, definitely out of the first trimester and maybe some extra weeks. It's the untelling that scares me if something goes wrong. 

I'm waffling on a couple of close friends though, the ones who have had babies, just because it would be nice to get the in-person support. 

[jodieanneanton]

I have had two miscarriages and the one that I happened after I had told the world was sooo much easier to get through.  I really felt supported and loved through the second miscarriage because people KNEW I was hurting and were able to be sweet and helpful and thoughtful.  So, with that in mind, we decided to tell close family and friends (basically the one's who supported us through our last miscarriages and we know will be there again if needed) right from the start, asking for prayers and good thoughts.

Other people and the ones who were jerks through the miscarriages... I will let them find out any old way... Through natural conversation (after 14 weeks), through the grapevine, seeing a huge pregnant belly on me, or seeing me carrying around another kid. :D

[beautifulnm]

I don't know how long I can keep it a secret. Between the nausea and vomiting and a friendly Hawaiian lady telling me I'm pregnant and it's a girl in from of my coworker while we were picking up supplies... I had big plans for keeping a lid on it but we will see.

[BeantownBaby9]

DH and I have different philosophies.  We've had a few losses so he doesn't want to tell anyone until after 12 weeks.  His mother doesn't even know yet.  Me? I surprised my mom before they went to Maine over the weekend, told my BFF who is only 6 wks ahead of me.  My neighbor/great friend has been through our fertility struggle so I told her, and my friend when we were in NYC.  I told our son despite DH not liking the concept.  He's 4, but he understands death and because of the movie UP he understands miscarriages.  He knows I've had a few, so I told him we'll love this baby as long as it stays in my belly and if it doesn't happen, then Mommy will be sad but it will be ok.  I think the whole "not telling till 12 weeks", personally, adds to the shame and secrecy of miscarriage.  These are friends and family, there to support the good and the bad.  I need my friends support when I miscarry, and when in limbo (beta hell, spotting, etc) they can be a great support.  You don't have to be Facebook official but I think its a good thing to share with those closest to you, they'll be there in whatever capacity you need them.

[Chapsie]

I have a close friend who just miscarried at 13 weeks and is grieving.  I was in her shoes a year ago and remember how hard it is to see new pregnancy announcements.  For the sake of my other baby loss friends, I am waiting to post anything to FB. I did tell two close friends, though, who know my struggles so I do have some support.  My 4 year old picked up on it right away... somehow he knew:  "mom, there's a baby in there!"  He is so excited, it is the sweetest thing!  :)   I don't think I'll be able to hide it for long, though... my belly is starting to fill out already.  :)

[madelaine]

I finally started telling people at 10 weeks... My family this weekend, and they were excited, especially my mom!

And I told my yoga teachers, so everyone in the class (which is at work) is probably going to know when I start modifying a bunch of poses. 

Gotta tell my boss and work people sometime soon, just to get it out in the open. I'm 10 weeks, and I'd rather wait until 12 weeks, but... yeah. I'd rather them not get to the point of obvious belly + speculating... I always find it kind of an awkward conversation at work -- Um, do you have a minute? I'm pregnant, just thought I should tell you. This time around my boss is a woman with 2 kids, so she'll probably be sympathetic.

[buko]

I'm 12.5 weeks. 

We told my parents ASAP (at 3.5 weeks!)  But my mom is an MD and I always think of her as my "true" Primary Care Physician, so... I gotta tell her.  We also told my brother (only sibling) when he got home from a vacation around 5.5 weeks, since he lives with us.  And my BFF.  But that was it for a long time.

We now feel comfortable, in theory, telling most everyone, and just told two of DH's siblings (and their spouses and kids)-- yesterday.  They seemed pretty happy, but I thought they'd be more excited?    Or something?  This is essentially my first (one earlier m/c just prior to this PG where we hadn't told lots of people-- and hadn't told DH's family). 

We were going to tell DH's parents first, so we had to swear DH's sibs to secrecy for a couple of days until we do.  We ended up doing what we did because my SIL (DH's brother's wife) lost her father suddenly last week, so DH and I and another of DH's brothers traveled there for the funeral.  Since we were all together and it didn't feel inappropriate (we waited until the last day we were there, to feel it out), we told them in person.  Now we have to coordinate a Skype to Manila to tell my MIL/FIL and then call DH's remaining sibling.  Next will be my grandmothers, then a select dozen other friends and family we want to tell in person/on the phone, then maybe we'll email and post to FB around 15 or 16 weeks.  I think that'll work for us.  

I've been wondering how people would react...  We've been married 14 years (together 17), though folks close to us know that A) we weren't trying all that time (so it's not, like, a sensitive topic) and most folks know that B) we decided to start trying this year.  It's definitely going to be a big shift, I guess, from thinking of us as two, to thinking of us as three.  I didn't get the feeling that the slightly muted (as I perceived it) response from DH's sibs was d/t the death in the family-- especially from the brother that had no loss.  But I don't know what I was expecting...    Maybe that they'd ask more questions, rather than mostly turn back to the topic that had been up for discussion just prior to our announcement.  They did seem fairly happy, I guess...  Just don't know what I expected!   

I thought it would feel more "official" when we started telling more than just my parents, et al., but I feel the same so far.     The funniest thing was how almost immediately, they asked if I was finding out the sex and if I had names picked out and they got (mock) mad at me for saying, A) No, we are going to be surprised and B) we aren't telling anyone the names.  I know it's a common sentiment, but I thought it was kind of hilarious that both my VERY PRACTICAL SIL and my GAY BIL were like, "OMG, what can we POSSIBLY buy you if we don't know the sex?!?!"  Uhhhhh...  Something not clothing?  Something brown, green, yellow, white?  A cool Star Wars onesie (to match my BIL's T-shirt)?  I mean, really?  Frilly cr@p, SIL?  Rigid gender roles, BIL?   

I guess I'll have to get used to it.

[maogans]

I told my mother and sisters around the 8 week mark, but waited until I hit the 12 week mark to tell one friend.  With DD, we waited until 16 weeks to break the news to friends, and I waited until the 20 week scan to tell work.  Didn't post anything to FB until after the birth.  Yep, I'm pretty conservative when it comes to this stuff!

I think I won't feel totally comfortable being out in the open until after our scan and blood test results next week.  Even though I heard a strong heartbeat at 7 and 9 weeks, hearing that again next week will definitely put me more at ease.  

[buko]

Just told ILs and SIL last night, so now all of DH's immediate family know.  MIL seemed happy, but it was a short call d/t long distance logistics (Skype died and we were using a calling card to reach Manila in the end).  My 3.5 y.o. niece (who lives with MIL/FIL) got on the phone and said "I want my cousin right now!" and "Take care of my cousin!"    I'm sure FIL either put her up to it last night or MIL/FIL have been telling her we might make a cousin for her soon (they knew we were going to start trying).  She is a hilarious little girl.

DH then called SIL, who said something slightly odd, like "Are you happy?"  But then, she's always been slightly socially off-- I personally think she's on the spectrum.  She seemed reasonably happy, but they didn't get into a lot of details according to my eavesdropping, and DH kinda shifted the subject to her daughter*, whom she loves to talk about.  Which is FINE with me, and a good thing-- I think SIL is in a much better place about it, but she did struggle w/IF for a long time (ending with a hysterectomy last year) and I know it's all pretty sensitive for her.

I talked with DH last night about the whole "I don't know what I was expecting" thing and realized that at least part of it is just parenthood, I think.  It's a BIG HUGE GIGANTOR DEAL to the people it's happening to, and mostly a "that's nice" to others (especially others without kids).  I mean, granted, my parents were over the moon, but it's a big deal to grandparents, too-- especially with their first grandkid.  And my BFF was thrilled, but she and I are just that way.  We'll see how others react, I guess.  Maybe it's just DH's family.    To varying degrees, they're just not as emotional/demonstrative as mine (or even just as emotional as DH and me).  I guess we'll get a better idea as we tell my family and various other friends.

*The aforementioned 3.5. y.o.-- they're adopting from the Philippines, which is a whole long story, but why she is not living in the US with my SIL/BIL yet.