Help! Having doubts. « Back to Group Discussions

[t2009]

So DH & I are 99% sure we will not have another child. DH is more sure than I am.

First, let me say that I love having a small family & can quickly come up with a list of reasons for not having another.

... That said, I am having one serious source of doubt. I haven't ever met an only child who doesn't wish she or he had a sibling. I know that there is never a guarantee that siblings will get along or have a close relationship, but I am struck by the fact that all of my friends IRL who are onlies would have loved a sibling.

Anyone else have this experience? How have you thought thru it?

[mtbmomma]

That was my main concern when deciding to have an only as well.  One thing that helped me was considering my friends who have siblings and really don't get along with them at all.  I know one of my friends has told me she would have preferred to be an only child.  So, I'm not sure if some people are just going to want what they don't have.  Not sure if that helps, but it did make me feel a little better.

[julieven]

I have known more adults who are content with being an only child than vice versa. Personally, I have never tried to reason out or rationalize my DD being an only because it's not really a choice for us medically. Anyway, I wonder if having a sibling would really change who my DD is (her personality, her likes/dislikes, her choices). I have one sister who I have always gotten along with fine, but its not like I could not exist without her. I don't make choices with her in mind now as an adult and I definitely didn't when we were growing up (unless it was to do something to purposely annoy her). Without sounding too dark (I hope), we are all who we are, regardless of who we have in the world with us. At least that is how I see it.

[PacificMar]

My mother's an only child and has been tremendously supportive of our decision to be parents of one (due to be born in late November). She told me that when she was a girl, she loved spending time with her friends during the day and then was happy to go home and not have to compete with a sibling for her parents' attention. 

I wonder if much of the wishing for a sibling comes from our society's romanticization of the sibling bond. So many of the classic books of childhood feature large families living in the country, wandering the landscape at will with minimal adult supervision. I cherish my relationship with my brother, but I've met many more people who have strained relationships with their siblings even as adults (and constantly fought as children). You never know for sure which situation you're going to get, which is why we preferred to make the family-size decision that would work best for us, as opposed to trying to second-guess what the little one would prefer. 

[t2009]

Thank you so much, mamas, for your replies. It's really encouraging to hear your families' experience. I'm slowly growing more attached to the idea of having an only child & letting go of my last lingering doubt. It feels like DH & I are just settling into our professional & family lives (& being more or less happy with the balance we've acheived) so the thought of having another child (& the disruption that would entail) is just less & less appealing.

Also, I realize that as DS is already 3 (& I'm not in a place where I want to get pregnant soon) --chances are that any potential sibling would be at least 5 years younger than DS. That's already so far beyond my experience with my sibling & that realization is helping me to be able to let go.

Thanks again so much for your support!

[pickle18]

Originally Posted by PacificMar 

I wonder if much of the wishing for a sibling comes from our society's romanticization of the sibling bond. 

  Sometimes, when I think of the MANY people I know who have a tumultuous (or no) relationship with their siblings, I feel like this is fabricated (/cynicism).  Truthfully, I see many more people on MDC say they had great sibling relationships than I know IRL.

I think the imagination is a wonderful thing - I'm sure they imagine they would have been best buds with their siblings.  But in the thread about kids asking for siblings, I remember one mama gently pointing out to her child, "But we don't get to pick our siblings - what if x [insert annoying child here] was your sibling, and you had to share your parents with them?"  That's a good litmus test for TRULY wanting a sibling, I think. 

eta - I think alot of people get hung up on having to have kids closer together (in hopes they'll play together) but I think it really depends on personality.  I know in my extended family, kids of big age differences play together all the time - in some cases, I think it actually helps with jealousy/competition to space them farther apart.  Just food for thought - you aren't locked in, necessarily, by shelving it for a while.