Hubby feels he has "two jobs"

[allisonrose]

During an argument/discussion, my hubby told me that if I expect him to come home from work and do something like change a diaper that he basically has two jobs: being the breadwinner and being a parent. I told him yes you do and my job (SAHM) is being on call 24/7. It has been a few days since that comment and it still comes to my mind.

I somewhat want to bring up the subject again to talk to him about how we both agreed to become parents and there are responsibilities that go with that decision. Also that viewing it as a "job" probably attributes to the fact that we don't tend to have fun as parents.

Thoughts? If your hubby said something similar how would you feel and react?

[AdinaL]

Turthfully, I would be six kinds of angry.  50% of the DNA, at least 50% of the work.  I never look at parenting as my job - I look at maintaining the house, feeding people, keeping them in clean clothing, etc as my job.  So by that logic - I have two jobs as well.

And would his logic continue if you were to get an out of the home paying job as well? So you could them come home and say "well, parenting is a second job."  Who then takes care of the child? I would bet that there is a bit of "this is woman's work" in there too, since if you said it was a second job, he would still expect you to do it.

Being a parent is a lot of work - but it isn't a job.  It is a part of life.  I don't know if the reframe would help him or not - caring for family is something you do, regardless.

 I hope it works out. 

[fruitfulmomma]

Uh, yeah we would have major issues with that and everything else I have to say about it right now is highly sarcastic and probably bordering on being a UAV.

[The4OfUs]

WORD to AdinaL and fruitfulmama.  And there's no *bet* that there's a little "woman's work" behind this, that's exactly what it is.

In our house, when the kids were babies and toddlers, DH did the after-work cooking, cleanup, and laundry.  I handled kid grunt work.  We both did cuddles and playtime, and split bedtime.  If your DH doesn't want to change a diaper, fine....wash the dishes or do a load of laundry while you change it (at least that's MHO....my DH jumped at the opportunity to do just about anything other than changing a diaper, and since I didn't mind doing that, but hated doing household stuff, I jumped at the chance, too... )

[purplerose]

if my hubby said anything close to that, i'd think he was on drugs or been taken over by aliens. that is extremely demeaning!! i have always wondered why women put up with that. my dh has always stepped right up with the kids from day 1. it is days after birth before i change a diaper and when he is home he does diapers when needed unless i am already holding the baby. he stays home with them if i need to go out or have a girl's night out. it's just expected. i do encourage him to go out with friends also but he tends to want to be home instead.

[Tapioca]

yes he does have two jobs.  he needs to get over it.

[Daffodil]

If he views things like changing diapers as work, then obviously he would have to agree that you're working all day long while he's at his job.  If you're both working all day, why should he expect you to keep working all evening when he doesn't have to?

[anne1140]

So his job is 9-5 and yours is 9-...forever. How does he think that's fair?  

Does he consider playing "work", too, or just things like changing a diaper? I would be so sad if my husband came home from work and didn't want to interact with our child. My son would be heartbroken, too. He loves "Dada". I do think a lot of men need some down time right when they come home from work, but after that, he should be giving you some down time, too. 

[onyxravnos]

I agree with the others. why should your job be 24/7 but somehow he gets to put up his feet at 5 every night. His kids too he needs to get off his bum and help parent them.

[allisonrose]

Thanks for backing me up, ladies.

I think the best course of action is therapy, honestly. The problem is we have tried that twice before and got nowhere (I don't think either therapist was the right one for us).

Yes, I believe there is a sense of "woman's work". My hubby grew up in a male-dominated culture. His father was not a hands on parent and he only seems to remember watching tv with his dad. (Although now that I think of it, I don't think his mom was really hands on either: more of the "children should be seen and not heard" mentality.) At his last job, he worked with several guys who were retired military with grown children and frequently heard from those guys that their wives did it all in regards to the parenting. (This may be common in military families to maintain consistency.)

anne1140 - Yes, I believe he views playing with the kids as work although I've never asked him.

I think another part of the problem is that he has mostly seen mainstream parenting so he believes our lives would be easier if we left our children to CIO and just plopped them in front of the tv all day long. He has told me time and time again that I make my life harder by being the type of parent I am (AP).

Yeah, I think therapy is in order.

[mamazee]

Uhm, he considers parenting to be something unusal for a parent? You are in charge of the parenting when he isnt' there. When he is there, you are both in charge of the parenting.

[MrsBone]

wow, I'd be pissed. Now, DH isn't great at helping with housework, and it's like pulling teeth getting him to change a diaper, but we use cloth and it was my choice to use cloth, so I don't really mind doing all the diaper changing for our 1 year old..That said, he does take over with at least one or both children at night, playing, disciplining, and bedtime. DH works a long hard job and so most of the housework is mine. It doesn't always feel even, but I'd much rather be the one at home washing dishes than out doing the kind of work he does, so I don't mind it most of the time. Thinking spending time with his kids is work though? That's pretty sad..I'm really sorry you're in this situation. :(

[mamalisa]

ONe of the best things I've ever read about sahp compared being a sahp to working at the Home Depot.  Except you never got to leave, you lived there.  If you were at lunch or in the bathroom and a customer needed something, you had to handle it.  If it was the middle of the night and the alarm went off, you had to handle it. Any messes, or needs of the customer were your responsibility. There was no one else to take care of things, it was solely your responsibility to run things 24/7.  I wish I had saved the article, it was truly awesome.  

If it's work and a job, when is your time off?

[1stTimeMama4-4-10]

I'm the work out of home parent, DH is the stay at home dad and we have these struggles too, so just because the situation is reversed doesn't change anything.  What it really comes down to is that there are times that we BOTH feel like we are doing more than our fair share and not getting the support and/or recognition we need. I DO work two jobs - I am at work all day, and then I come home and clean the house, do the laundry, vacuum, take care of our child, put the baby to sleep, etc., and only then can I sit and relax. DH also works two jobs.  He is at home with DD all day - which IS a job, there is no doubt, and then he handles the cooking, and he also works part time on weekends. When we get out of balance, we need to gently get the other partner to get back on board, the trouble is that we are both tired and don't always communicate well about our feelings when we are tired and feeling alone.  It's a really common problem and we are working through it. You're not alone. 

[The4OfUs]

Originally Posted by 1stTimeMama4-4-10 

 I am at work all day, and then I come home and clean the house, do the laundry, vacuum, take care of our child, put the baby to sleep, etc., and only then can I sit and relax.

BIG difference here, I'm pretty sure the OP's husband is NOT doing these things when he gets home from his job.  And that's exactly the point we're all trying to make.

[proudMoMmy2634]

Originally Posted by allisonrose 

Thanks for backing me up, ladies.

I think the best course of action is therapy, honestly. The problem is we have tried that twice before and got nowhere (I don't think either therapist was the right one for us).

Yes, I believe there is a sense of "woman's work". My hubby grew up in a male-dominated culture. His father was not a hands on parent and he only seems to remember watching tv with his dad. (Although now that I think of it, I don't think his mom was really hands on either: more of the "children should be seen and not heard" mentality.) At his last job, he worked with several guys who were retired military with grown children and frequently heard from those guys that their wives did it all in regards to the parenting. (This may be common in military families to maintain consistency.)

anne1140 - Yes, I believe he views playing with the kids as work although I've never asked him.

I think another part of the problem is that he has mostly seen mainstream parenting so he believes our lives would be easier if we left our children to CIO and just plopped them in front of the tv all day long. He has told me time and time again that I make my life harder by being the type of parent I am (AP).

Yeah, I think therapy is in order.

Wow! that is something,..but I cant give all the negative word for your husband--reconsider because he has been raised that way. I suggest talk to him.

My husband's family was somehow the same, they are six boys thus making him definitely unsensitive ..LOL But I am a very open person while my husband was difficult to talk to sometimes but we are able to talk it out. (Tip: Talk with your husband after sex--according to study guy's brain are more open for new idea's at this time! It works for me!).

And one more thing, even though my husband had been the breadwinner of their family before he is still very sweet and loves to take care of his child. So if my husband will consider the time to bond with my children as "work" I will totally be angry. Doesn't he feel the urge to take care of his child??

[Sharlla]

i would be pretty upset too. dh is the sahp and i do my fair share around the house and with the kids.  i actually want to give him a break and will take the kids out to do something so he can have some alone time.   sorry but you dont get to clock out at work and that's it for the day when you have a family.
 

[APToddlerMama]

If my husband said that to me I'd tell him I feel like I have about six full time jobs. I'm the sahm by day, night nanny, wet nurse, cook, maid, and event planner. Honestly my first thought when I saw the title of this thread was "of course he does. He HAS two jobs.". If he wanted to kick back and guzzle beer while watching ESPN at night instead of changing diapers and being part of a family he shouldnt have created children with you.

[MichelleZB]

Yes, while he is at work (presumably for 8 hours?), you guys divide up the work like this:

Husband: at work

Wife: childcare and household management

But as soon as he comes home, you have to re-divide the workload!

Husband: 50% childcare and household management

Wife: 50% childcare and household management

So, yes, he has two jobs: 1 from 9-5, and then he takes 50% of your job from 6 pm-8 am. That is simply how it must work.

[A&A]

Dh and I both work outside of the home, and it doesn't get either one of us out of being a parent.  We both came home and changed diapers (when our kids were in diapers.)  Now we both come home and do whatever needs to be done.  But we don't call parenting a job.  We call it a great responsibility and privilege.  We love taking care of our kids.  If my dh said what your dh said, I'd be worried he hadn't bonded enough with our kids to want to take care of them.