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Hubby feels he has "two jobs" - Page 2

post #21 of 46
Thread Starter 
My computer is not playing nicely with multiquote tonight.

No, my husband doesn't come home and clean the house or cook but he does put one child to bed while I do the other. He generally cleans up after I cook dinner but he does squirm out of the tough pots by leaving them to soak (he puts some detergent and water in there and considers his job done). If he does any straightening up of the house it is usually accompanied by muttering about what a mess the place is. He occasionally washes a batch of laundry: mostly his own clothing. If we have company over - typically on the weekend - he will help me clean the house.

So those are good things but on the other hand it is incredibly hard to have the tv off while he is home. Our older son expects it. When I have expressed concern about the amount of tv our older son watches and the younger son is exposed to, my hubby has told me that it is up to me to change it because he is too tired at the end of the day to do anything to entertain the kids. Meanwhile I am still waking frequently with my 17 month old nursling while hubby sleeps in the same room as our older guy who wakes maybe one out every 10 nights. The diaper changing reluctance is because of the cloth diapers he tells me yet I keep velcro all in ones around for him to use. When it is basically the same as putting a disposable on him I suspect it is simply an excuse.

Regarding bonding, I think that is a very valid point. During the same conversation he mentioned he loves coming home to me and our older son. I asked what about the younger guy and his response was that he is growing on him. I simply joked that that is good because we sure can't return him now.

I think ds2 feels somewhat the same: a couple of days ago he got annoyed with me for deciding to go to the bathroom rather than nurse him. Hubby came in and offered to pick him up but instead ds2 went to ds1 and hugged him rather than accept comforting from his dad. It was very cute to see my two little ones embracing but also sad in a way.

Sorry this post ended up being longer and more involved than I really intended.....
post #22 of 46

I feel your pain. Mine literally does nothing... And I mean nothing. He can go days without holding the baby. HE can't even get his work clothes ready or make his own coffee anymore and taking care of my boyfriend who honestly is harder and more demanding than a 7 month old. We try to talk about it but he blames me for having such a difficult pregnancy that he needs to take a year off... (His exact words), we have talked about it. I doubt I will put up with it for much longer.

 

THe bonding is the biggest issue. My son loves his dad but its so sad to watch him signal to be picked up or smile and roll over to him just to be ignored or yelled at. My son is such a sweet boy already at 7 months I am afraid all of this rejection will change that.

 

Sorry this is not about me. Maybe I should make my own thread.

 

For him I would make more situations where he needs to spend time with the younger baby.

 

We have the cloth diaper thing too. Maybe buy a disposable diaper just to see if he will do it then to make a point.
 

post #23 of 46

I would tell him, that seing it from his point of view, your job starts the second he leaves the house in the morning and ends the second he returns home after his working day. Who will take care of your kids and household before and after?

 

My DH is very understanding in this matter, he is very active at home, with kids and also in the household. We have two girls (4yo and 6yo). He usually says he is going to work to have a little rest.

post #24 of 46
Quote:
Originally Posted by allisonrose View Post


anne1140 - Yes, I believe he views playing with the kids as work although I've never asked him.

 

I think another part of the problem is that he has mostly seen mainstream parenting so he believes our lives would be easier if we left our children to CIO and just plopped them in front of the tv all day long. He has told me time and time again that I make my life harder by being the type of parent I am (AP).

 

Yeah, I think therapy is in order.

 

I think the fact that he views playing with kids as work, would bother me the most more than anything else you have mentioned. To me that is a huge red flag that his view of parenting is vastly different from what is acceptable to you. Counseling is a good idea, if he is open to it.

 

Have you ever shown him any research or books that discuss the impact of too much screen time on children? Would he be open to reading about that, as well as the benefits of AP?

post #25 of 46
Thread Starter 
LLQ1011 - I used to keep disposables around but decided not to anymore since I felt it was a waste of money. We have plenty of cloth diapers that I invested money into - why throw money into the trash?
My hubby was less hands on when we only had one child and he was a baby. If I asked him to hold ds1 while I got ready for bed he would but he would sit on the couch and watch tv and DS cried. My brother came to visit and walked his nephew around our place while I made dinner so he would be happy. (My brother doesn't have kids of his own yet.)

Nyssaneala - Everytime I try to talk to him about research he shuts down. He doesn't feel research is a compelling reason to not use the electronic babysitter. He makes the excuse of "our son is crazy/has so much enery". He sees tv as the only way to get ds1 to sit and chill for a bit. He doesn't understand that all kids have lots of energy and that creative play is good for him.
post #26 of 46
Quote:
Originally Posted by Daffodil View Post

If he views things like changing diapers as work, then obviously he would have to agree that you're working all day long while he's at his job.  If you're both working all day, why should he expect you to keep working all evening when he doesn't have to?

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post #27 of 46

The only responses I can think of are unprintable. Yes, he has two jobs.

 

If you makes you feel any better, when DH was a (good) SAHD and worked outside the home, he went "off shift" the minute I walked in the door until I went back to work the next day. His argument, "I need time to myself to recharge."

post #28 of 46

I was the stay at home wife. did the animals and the garden. Now with 2 month old. hubby does allot of housework. Cat liter he dumps after I scoop. Burns garbage. sweeps floor does dishes. Takes care of baby till she needs feeding. Breastfeeding so he can't. some of these I still do to. He just realized I wasn't going to have as much time as I did before for at lest sometime and pitched in. I was so impressed and glad. I was told by his Aunt that his dad did all childcare when he came home because his mom thought she should get a brake after all day. I thought and dad didnt need brake to. parenting is mom and dad. Hope your man learns to be a dad.

post #29 of 46
I agree with some of the other posts I read, it is demeaning and certainly not ideal for him to put All the home responsibility On you. I also think to be fair it should somewhat depend on how many children u have, how demanding his job is and any other special circumstances u may have. I have been going to college ( mostly online until recently) since i found out I was Pregnant. We only have the one child and I've always done the lions share, constantly changing diapers ( cd) play baths and bed time. He works hard he's a stone mason but even still he doesn't do much outside of trash on Sundays the occasional diaper and the Maybe bi-monthly dishes and laundry. Im not going to say it hasn't put it's own strain on our relationship, it has but I'm more concerned with the lack of connection by dd and ds. It's to the point where she wants Me to do everything. She cries when he changes her or puts her to bed or bath, get the idea? So I would really encourage u to bring it up to him again, tell him it's not just for u but for his relationship to his child and try to work something out that u both can live with!
post #30 of 46

Wow. Honestly, I'm grateful to be a solo mama after reading that. I may never get a break, but at least I don't have to deal with that baloney anymore... obviously, there was more going on than just that for me to end up doing this alone, but seriously??! Ugh, I'm so sorry mama. I truly hope therapy helps and he comes around to some form of sanity. You and your kids deserve a partner/parent that is more like the PPs have described.

post #31 of 46

He may just be overwhelmed by his own tiredness and not realize how things look from your side, if you haven't made it clear.  He should see it, but if not perhaps you can help him see.  I do not always see my dh's side of things fairly without being reminded or having him point it out to me. 

 

I am trying to be sympathetic because I am highly sensory and get very introverted when I am tired.  I run out of oomph and it takes a lot of effort to deal with kids at the end of the day.  Dh is usually the one who keeps the basic functioning of home and family going when I am exhausted.  I have often complained about needing to do so many things at the same time.  Homeschooling, helping our special needs child, housework, WAHM things...  I complain.  It is like having three jobs at the same time...  I would like to hope that your dh is caring and would understand, but he just needs to see the whole equation. 

 

Most jobs are less exhausting than SAHM is.  You have more freedom to choose in time management, and can work on one thing at a time, with greater ability to focus.  It seems like if your dh has any empathy and listened carefully he would see why you need equally to be off the job at 5pm after your day, too.  And then what?  You're both off at 5, what do the kiddos get? 

 

I'm sorry about the screen time.  I think if it's not important to your dh he is just not gonna want to do things the hard way.  You may not be able to influence how much he cares and change his mind.  He may feel that if it is important to you then you should be the entertainer.  I'd avoid that as a battle and stick with dividing things up in the evening.  My dh has always been the book reader, that's his "easy" way to entertain a child and he does all of the bedtime stories too.  After all, I do all of the weekday reading time so that's his share.

post #32 of 46
Thread Starter 
Mommel - I am beginning to think maybe being a single mom might be a better bet.

Littlest birds - I lack empathy for his tiredness. I am waking several times a night with my bedsharing and teething nursling (whom I am planning night wean next week). He cosleeping with ds1 (separate beds, same room) who rarely wakes in the night. So he has the opportunity to get in 8 solid hours of sleep every night. He often stays up too late or falls asleep very early with one or another of the kids and then is up in the middle of night for a while. His job is not physical: mostly a desk job. So I do not understand why he is so tired. And meanwhile he thinks my exhaustion is my own fault: I choose to bedsharing and nurse.

His negative attitude about our children is causing me to think about divorce. I spoke to him again about counseling and he said he knows what a counselor is going to say but apparently just isn't willing to try to do it. He seems to have no clue how miserable I am at times. I regret having children with this man and I loathe that I feel that way.
post #33 of 46
Quote:
Originally Posted by littlest birds View Post

He may just be overwhelmed by his own tiredness and not realize how things look from your side, if you haven't made it clear.  He should see it, but if not perhaps you can help him see.  I do not always see my dh's side of things fairly without being reminded or having him point it out to me. 

 

I am trying to be sympathetic because I am highly sensory and get very introverted when I am tired.  I run out of oomph and it takes a lot of effort to deal with kids at the end of the day.  Dh is usually the one who keeps the basic functioning of home and family going when I am exhausted.  I have often complained about needing to do so many things at the same time.  Homeschooling, helping our special needs child, housework, WAHM things...  I complain.  It is like having three jobs at the same time...  I would like to hope that your dh is caring and would understand, but he just needs to see the whole equation. 

 

Most jobs are less exhausting than SAHM is.  You have more freedom to choose in time management, and can work on one thing at a time, with greater ability to focus.  It seems like if your dh has any empathy and listened carefully he would see why you need equally to be off the job at 5pm after your day, too.  And then what?  You're both off at 5, what do the kiddos get? 

 

I'm sorry about the screen time.  I think if it's not important to your dh he is just not gonna want to do things the hard way.  You may not be able to influence how much he cares and change his mind.  He may feel that if it is important to you then you should be the entertainer.  I'd avoid that as a battle and stick with dividing things up in the evening.  My dh has always been the book reader, that's his "easy" way to entertain a child and he does all of the bedtime stories too.  After all, I do all of the weekday reading time so that's his share.

 

Good post.  I agree with a lot of it.

 

I'm also an introvert and don't have oodles of energy after a day of work.  It's taken a long time but we've more or less figured it out - I was very clear with DH about what my limitations were and vice versa.  Like you, my DH doesn't like screen time, however I'm not bothered by it, so when I'm home it's on and we watch shows together, when he gets home later the tv goes off and he does what he thinks is right - he is much more outgoing than I and has more energy for that.     I agree with the PP that you have to pick your battles when it comes to dividing the kid chores after he comes home from work and figure out what works for each of you.   I also agree with the PP that screen time is not a battle worth fighting - if it's really important to you, then you either need to find an 'easy' way he can keep the kids entertained (reading a book to them is a good idea) or you need to eat it and find some other chore that he can do that will give you a break.  It may be you just have to lower your expectations of what parenting time looks like if you want him to step up - he has the right to parent as he sees fit, just as you do.   PErsonally I don't like playing with kids either - never have.  It's better now DD is older, but I found the whole baby/toddler playing thing unbelievably boring when she was younger  - so I get why your DH feels that way.  Not everyone has that skillset, unfortunately.   Can you both meet in the middle somewhere? 

post #34 of 46
Thread Starter 
Tapioca - I tend to look the other way about it but our youngest is only 18 months and I worry about the link between tv and ADHD.
post #35 of 46
Quote:
Originally Posted by allisonrose View Post

Mommel - I am beginning to think maybe being a single mom might be a better bet.

 

 

I don't have anything to compare it to, because I've been solo from the very start, but I couldn't do it without the help of my friends and family. It's an enormous decision, and I'm lucky that I don't have to deal with co-parenting at all... which can be harder than just staying in a bad situation, depending on how bad it is (mine was violent, but I choose to make lemonade, if ya dig). If it helps, I've read studies that say, out of couples that were having problems, the ones that stayed together were better off for it after just five years... and in my experience (well, the experience of some close friends anyway) it appears to be true... but you both have to want to stay together. I think that's sort of off topic, so sorry for the detour, but I wanted to make sure you didn't think it's all sunshine and roses on the solo side... it's not, despite that I choose to be okay with it.

post #36 of 46
Quote:
Originally Posted by allisonrose View Post

Tapioca - I tend to look the other way about it but our youngest is only 18 months and I worry about the link between tv and ADHD.

yes, 18 months is young. 

post #37 of 46

why divorce? your already doing the child rearing alone but there is his whole pay check. many single moms struggle to make ends meet. you would have to work so kids will be in day care. weight  it out first.

post #38 of 46

You cant find a wonderful partner if you are stuck with a crappy one.  also i dont think feeling like a servant and being disrespected is worth staying in a marriage for financial security.   i know lots of unhappily married women who choose to stay in marriages for that reason but i never could. life is just way too short for that
 

post #39 of 46
Thread Starter 
I am in the place of questioning whether my husband's presence enhances or detracts from both my life and our children's. He believes that his main job as a father and husband is to bring home a paycheck. Yes, it is a big deal but there is more to life than just money. He doesn't play with our children often. He doesn't like to help with the "dirty work" like diaper changing or cleaning up the house. He has the attitude that our energetic 3 y/o has too much energy. He wonders if he is jealous that our kids "get away with stuff" because I don't strictly discipline with physical punishment as his mother did. (Yet his mom counsels him to avoid physical punishment.) He tends to withdraw emotionally from me and our children. He wants to make our sons "emotionally tough" and as a result ds2 would rather be hugged by ds1 than picked up by his daddy when I am not available. He never takes both our children out of the house. He gets sick of the 3 y/o saying "I love you". He has told ds1 that he is being bad because he was being loud in the car. The word "bad" comes up a lot and I worry ds1 will begin to think of himself as bad. And since hubby spends so much time talking about what a handful ds1 is, I wonder if there is something there I am not seeing. He seems to always infer that our kids are abnormal. He also likes to blame me for our children's behavior: ds1 didn't sleep well because I didn't leave him to CIO and was too rough with other kids because I didn't spank him. His views of our children are affecting the way I am preceiving them.
post #40 of 46
Quote:
Originally Posted by allisonrose View Post

I am in the place of questioning whether my husband's presence enhances or detracts from both my life and our children's. He believes that his main job as a father and husband is to bring home a paycheck. Yes, it is a big deal but there is more to life than just money. He doesn't play with our children often. He doesn't like to help with the "dirty work" like diaper changing or cleaning up the house. He has the attitude that our energetic 3 y/o has too much energy. He wonders if he is jealous that our kids "get away with stuff" because I don't strictly discipline with physical punishment as his mother did. (Yet his mom counsels him to avoid physical punishment.) He tends to withdraw emotionally from me and our children. He wants to make our sons "emotionally tough" and as a result ds2 would rather be hugged by ds1 than picked up by his daddy when I am not available. He never takes both our children out of the house. He gets sick of the 3 y/o saying "I love you". He has told ds1 that he is being bad because he was being loud in the car. The word "bad" comes up a lot and I worry ds1 will begin to think of himself as bad. And since hubby spends so much time talking about what a handful ds1 is, I wonder if there is something there I am not seeing. He seems to always infer that our kids are abnormal. He also likes to blame me for our children's behavior: ds1 didn't sleep well because I didn't leave him to CIO and was too rough with other kids because I didn't spank him. His views of our children are affecting the way I am preceiving them.

 

Hi Mama,

 

You make some very good points and none of these things are good for you or your kiddos... however, unless your DH relinquishes his parental rights, you'll still be facing those same issues if you divorce... only you won't necessarily be there to reassure your little ones that they aren't bad, or too loud, or too energetic, too loving, etc... in fact, you might not even know about it, if he has them for a weekend or longer, which could have even worse effects on their little psyches. I think perhaps before you make any life changing decisions, you might want to consider going to individual counseling alone, if your DH won't go with you... and yes, I know you're not the one who needs to change, but a marriage counselor can help you decide if divorce is really the best option for your family, even if he won't participate. 

 

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I'm very impressed that you are asking yourself the tough questions despite how disappointed you must feel.

 

hug2.gif

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