Hubby feels he has "two jobs" - Page 3

[LLQ1011]

Originally Posted by allisonrose 

I am in the place of questioning whether my husband's presence enhances or detracts from both my life and our children's. He believes that his main job as a father and husband is to bring home a paycheck. Yes, it is a big deal but there is more to life than just money. He doesn't play with our children often. He doesn't like to help with the "dirty work" like diaper changing or cleaning up the house. He has the attitude that our energetic 3 y/o has too much energy. He wonders if he is jealous that our kids "get away with stuff" because I don't strictly discipline with physical punishment as his mother did. (Yet his mom counsels him to avoid physical punishment.) He tends to withdraw emotionally from me and our children. He wants to make our sons "emotionally tough" and as a result ds2 would rather be hugged by ds1 than picked up by his daddy when I am not available. He never takes both our children out of the house. He gets sick of the 3 y/o saying "I love you". He has told ds1 that he is being bad because he was being loud in the car. The word "bad" comes up a lot and I worry ds1 will begin to think of himself as bad. And since hubby spends so much time talking about what a handful ds1 is, I wonder if there is something there I am not seeing. He seems to always infer that our kids are abnormal. He also likes to blame me for our children's behavior: ds1 didn't sleep well because I didn't leave him to CIO and was too rough with other kids because I didn't spank him. His views of our children are affecting the way I am preceiving them.

I feel the same way with my partner. The question I have to ask myself is. How can he know our son so much when he spends no time with him. He made a coment yesterday that hes glad hes fianlly not fussy anymore. I asked him what he meant and he refered to our son as out of control fussy for the past three months. I see no change in the baby he is a happy, sweet, curious, loving little guy.  I feel like they say these things to appear involved even though they aren't true.

"I am parenting because I say these things and believe parenting like ideas" whether they made them up or not. And also I am everything that is wrong with my son. I even cause his ear infections, or his cough. Its rough mama. Don't let him make you think anything you know not to be true. Its like they are manipulating us so it will be us against the kid/kids. This isn't a war its a family.

[leafylady]

Can you get him to do more of the chores that he already does willingly and drop the diaper issue? Let him do what he does best and don't push what he hates? Is there any possibility that you can accept that screen time is something they do with their dad and that's just the way it is?
To a certain extent it sounds like you are both criticizing each others parenting. Is the criticism mutual? Do you criticize all of his and he criticizes all of yours or is he the one who criticizes most?

I know this sounds difficult, but I'd start by accepting some aspect of his parenting and then praise him for it. Thank him for the time he spent occupying the older kids, even if it was in front of an action flick. If you separate or divorce, the screen time won't go away.
I just know that with my late husband, accepting some of his parenting and encouraging the time he did spend was a more positive and productive approach. If you still love him, start with the positives and praise. Work on one small issue at a time.

[leafylady]

I want to add- while this approach did not totally fix things for me, it certainly relieved me of a lot of anger and resentment. I let him take responsibility for his style of parenting and I took responsibility for mine. Yes I picked my battles and held the line on gentle discipline, but I had to let go and be more flexible on other issues.
Another big benefit is that it allows the children to love their dad for who he is and what he can give. Thats very important even if what he can give is not what you personally agree with.

[kparker]

Originally Posted by MichelleZB 

Yes, while he is at work (presumably for 8 hours?), you guys divide up the work like this:

Husband: at work

Wife: childcare and household management

But as soon as he comes home, you have to re-divide the workload!

Husband: 50% childcare and household management

Wife: 50% childcare and household management

So, yes, he has two jobs: 1 from 9-5, and then he takes 50% of your job from 6 pm-8 am. That is simply how it must work.

This is how my husband and I have agreed upon dividing up childcare when our kid is born. It just makes the most sense. I really hope he can stick with me on it once it's a reality.

[ilovemybabies11]

My DH has a hard time doing anything with the kids besides tv as well, and it's usually up to me to encourage him to do other activities with the kids that don't require a ton of energy. I will often suggest reading the kids books, and playing cars with DS on the floor. I've gotten to where I've accepted that the physical activity is pretty much going to be on me since DH works a physically demanding job and is on his feet for 9+hrs a day. At least I can sit down and park my butt for a bit if I need to :) But if I insist the tv needs to be off, he will usually oblige and will lay on the floor with DS and DD and play(low energy play, but still). My DH also doesn't take the kids out alone anywhere, but he really doesn't need to that often, and I've accepted that if I want time to myself I need to leave the house. DH is good with them at home, he just doesn't see the need or desire to leave the house with them..he'll take DS out alone, but when DS was a baby and toddler he didn't. I know that when both kids are older he will be more than willing to take them out. I've learned that trying to make your partner fit your ideals of what a father should look like is fruitless and at the same time makes them feel like they are never good enough, leading to the parter doing even less because what's the point?? I've also learned that as long as my DH's needs are being met, he's generally much more willing to help me out and do his share of parenting. My point is, don't give up on it..Unless you've talked everything through thoroughly, and unless both of your needs are being met, you may not really be getting a true picture of what your marriage potential is. I agree that you should go to individual counseling to address your issues and even just have someone to vent to and it might help change your marriage. I'm not saying you shouldn't leave your marriage, but be sure to make sure you've done everything you possibly can before leaving. It may be easier not to have to deal with your DH every day, but if you are single raising two kids, it will still be hard, and in some ways harder because when your kids are with their dad you will have little if any control about how he choses to raise them. 

[rightkindofme]

My husband has had a rocky road towards parenthood but I think he is in a great place. I finally told him, "Do you really want your kids to remember that you were an impatient asshole? Because that's what you are acting like lately." He gave me a dirty look but started being nicer.

But your husband doesn't sound like my husband. I describe my husband as coming home to a second shift and I feel kind of bad about it. In your situation I would be screaming the roof down. It's probably a good thing you are married to him instead of me. You have a lot more patience.

I am fond of telling people to suck it up buttercup. You are the grown up now and it sucks.