Convincing DH

[maydaymom10]

I just found out that I am pregnant with #2 about a week ago and am hoping for a home birth with this one. We had DS at a SABC, and while that was wonderful, I'm really feeling the need to stay home to have this one. For a couple of reasons #1 being because I want to (didn't like leaving last time, even though I desperately needed help from my midwife), but also because I'm working as a doula and thinking about pursuing midwifery. I think it's important that I experience birth in the setting that I want to work -- make sense?

Anyway, I thought that DH was on board with this as we had discussed it a bit before I got pregnant. I mentioned last night that we probably needed to start interviewing midwives when we got back from our trip next week, and he responded "Oh, you were serious about that?" He assumed that we were going back the the birth center and is really nervous about the idea of a home birth. Some of this comes from the fact that I tore badly with ds & had to be transferred for repair. Yes, it was nice to be close to the hospital for that, but honestly we have 2 hospitals that are 10 mins or less away. I think he is most comforted by the back up equipment that he feels that cnm's have at the birth center and is worried about the "what ifs" of a home birth.

Just curious if other have been through this and have suggestions and/resources that might help DH become more comfortable with this idea. TIA!

[fayebond]

With my DH, it helped that I shared what I was reading with him (research articles mostly in the beginning, all official and what what), and communicated about my feelings and concerns too.  A couple of times he asked me to just stop talking about it for a day or a week, and I did.  It ended up being good for both of us.  He later admitted he was worried about ME and didn't like to see his lover so stressed.  I found that the more we talked (about everything, things important to him and to me about the birth and even just other topics) the better things went.  Top most helpful resources

1. weekend at the beach (where I live this is a very cheap vacay with minimal driving)

2. "Obstetric myths versus research realities", by Henci Goer, largely because it shows the gap between what facts say and what doctors want to do "just in case," 

3. him at the appointments with midwives AMAP.  Our birth center midwife was very up front about how they are just a bed and breakfast version of home birth, "close" to the hospital but that's about it in terms of difference.  That made him feel alot better.  

4. be open to changing your mind too.  Moving to our current (third? fourth?) birth plan was HIS gut feeling in the first place, not mine.  

Also, you can find midwives who do homebirths with CNM certification.  Heck, my sister used a natureopath for her first birth (that went down grumpy and she's now with an unlicensed MW, more for her to de-stress than anything "bad").  

[kkcriss]

I'm in this boat as well.  I'm an RN student that would like to pursue midwifery in the future.  I had a great experience at the birth center in AZ but we've moved and I'd like to have a home birth this time around.  My husband is nervous about that idea.  I think that sharing the information that I've come across in my research will help to sway him but it's going to be a lot of heart to hearts I think!  Good luck!

[fruitfulmomma]

If you are interested in Henci's work this is the one she just published with newer info...http://www.hencigoer.com/optimal-care-childbirth/

Good suggestions froom pp, nothing to add as my dh was totally on boared and would be fine with uc too. Maybe find another family who have used the midwife you want and have the hubby talk to yours? 

[1healthylady]

My husband was nervous about the idea of home birth at first. I was very clear that I did not want to be in the hospital though and he understood all my reasons for that. We went to the MW that my sis had used and they used to have a birth center, but that had since closed. The MW told us that the other birth center in town was closing soon, and they weren't accepting new patients (did I verify this? no.) When the MW saw how much I didn't want to be at the hospital she suggested the home birth MW group. The first step was the financial aspect, and when I found out they accept y insurance and it would actually be cheaper than a hospital birth I was excited! I had two pages of questions typed out to ask the MW at our consultation. DH and I were there for an hour. She answered all the questions to my satisfaction, and even better on some so I felt totally comfortable with her. The next day he said he'd be comfortable with a home birth and that he realized it's the right decision for us. We're only 1 1/2 mile from the nearest hospital, which is actually closer than either of the two birth centers were. Let me know if you want that list of questions. It was quite extensive! But for every question I asked she answered 5. I had already read Ina May's Guide to Midwifery and had DH read a couple chapters too, just so he had an idea of what would happen in labor and birth. We were also introduced to a friend of his best friend who has 3 kids and did home births for the last two. Having an informal conversation with them about helped a lot I think. Now he enjoys showing off 'where the action's going to happen' to our friends when they come over.

[StudyingStones]

Originally Posted by 1healthylady 

My husband was nervous about the idea of home birth at first. I was very clear that I did not want to be in the hospital though and he understood all my reasons for that. We went to the MW that my sis had used and they used to have a birth center, but that had since closed. The MW told us that the other birth center in town was closing soon, and they weren't accepting new patients (did I verify this? no.) When the MW saw how much I didn't want to be at the hospital she suggested the home birth MW group. The first step was the financial aspect, and when I found out they accept y insurance and it would actually be cheaper than a hospital birth I was excited! I had two pages of questions typed out to ask the MW at our consultation. DH and I were there for an hour. She answered all the questions to my satisfaction, and even better on some so I felt totally comfortable with her. The next day he said he'd be comfortable with a home birth and that he realized it's the right decision for us. We're only 1 1/2 mile from the nearest hospital, which is actually closer than either of the two birth centers were. Let me know if you want that list of questions. It was quite extensive! But for every question I asked she answered 5. I had already read Ina May's Guide to Midwifery and had DH read a couple chapters too, just so he had an idea of what would happen in labor and birth. We were also introduced to a friend of his best friend who has 3 kids and did home births for the last two. Having an informal conversation with them about helped a lot I think. Now he enjoys showing off 'where the action's going to happen' to our friends when they come over.

I'd love to see your list of questions! I'm sure they will come in handy, as DH is not convinced of a hb either.....yet. I am hopeful.

[womenswisdom]

Originally Posted by maydaymom10 

I think he is most comforted by the back up equipment that he feels that cnm's have at the birth center and is worried about the "what ifs" of a home birth.

What "back up equipment"? I'm not aware of anything that is present at a birth center that most midwives wouldn't be bringing to a home birth.

[fayebond]

ditto pp  above, a licensed hb midwife should bring the same stuff (oxy tank, etc) a birth center has.  Maybe (depending on the state)  if she's not a CNM she can't give you shots, but that's about it, right?

[maydaymom10]

Originally Posted by StudyingStones 


I'd love to see your list of questions! I'm sure they will come in handy, as DH is not convinced of a hb either.....yet. I am hopeful.

There's a short list of questions in Dr. Sears "Pregnancy Book". Just thought you might want to know. But, I'd also love to see 1healthylady's list as well 

[annanicole]

we had DS1 at a SABC too.  I then switched to a home birth midwife with #2.  DH supported me half-heartedly.  We had a long conversation once I made up my mind where we were going and this is what he said.  It scared him to have a homebirth b/c he felt there were too many variables to monitor / control.  When we spoke more, I soon understood more than I did after the first birth. My husband and many other husbands quietly take full responsibility for the safety of the mama and the baby.  This is just part of their natural instinct.  We need to keep this in mind when we are considering what options will work best for us.  I don't agree that a pregnancy, labor, and delivery is on the mama alone, it's on both partners, and we need to respect our partner as much as they respect us.  

good luck with your decision, and don't stop trying to convince him, use logic not feelings........GOOD LUCK, I hope you can come to a compromise that works well for your entire family!

[mamaharrison]

I haven't read all the responses {sorry} but read OP and wanted to share this article on the subject written by a dear friend and a very wise woman/birth mentor http://thepeacefulbirthproject.org/?s=spousal+objection&search=Go.

You have to birth where and how you feel most comfortable and empowered. Don't let others make these important decisions for you. Your DPs aren't the ones who are 'doing' this, YOU are and if they have issues surrounding birth that they need to work out in order to support you in your choices for yourself and the baby then that is reasonable, but it really isn't up to you to convince anyone of what your needs are or what is right for you. It is only up to you to stand firm on what IS right for you...those who love and support you will do what they need to in order to rise to the level that you need them to be at ;)

Happy Birthing <3