I wish I could get a bit of sympathy from him. He could at least act like he feels sorry for me. Put his arm around me and ask if he can get me anything. Is this too much to ask? I know a lot of my feelings are my crazy hormones talkin but you would think that he would give a little extra, knowing how bad I am feeling. I wish there was a book I could hand him giving him tips on how to be a supportive dad to be. I know stress is part of it, I am sure he is afraid of another loss. Maybe my expectations are too high. Thanks for listening. I would love to hear other ladies experiences.
Anyone else have a clueless husband?
Sorry to hear you're not getting the support you need/deserve. In my experience, men aren't as intuitive as we are and sometimes need to be told bluntly what we need and expect from them as partners. If he's scared of another loss... that really has nothing to do with making sure you are comfortable during the 1st trimester because you ARE pregnant and are feeling horrible. It doesn't mean he has to grow attached to the baby, but he should at least be attached to you and your well-being.
My DH is actually pretty great with supporting me throughout my pregnancies. Though earlier in our relationship when I'd randomly hurt myself (like cut my finger while cooking, etc) he wouldn't even react or ask me how I was-- and I'd totally call him out on it. He's still sorta like that when I get sick whereas when he's sick I treat him like a baby. I think it's just a sensitivity difference. It's not like I need someone to kiss my boo boos but a little sympathy is nice!
Thanks for your message. I think you are right...I need to communicate my needs ( it just seems obvious..ugh). He is so stressed out with work and is very busy. Being pregnant is the center of my universe, I guess I want me and this pregnancy to be his universe but that is just not realistic. I appreciate the kind words Jean. Cheers!
I find it helpful, when talking to my dh, to also just let him know when I'm feeling especially hormonal. It doesn't means my feelings aren't real, but I know they're definitely amplified when I'm feeling hormonal and if I let him know that's what's going on, he'll tend to be more sensitive in his response.
My DH kept telling me he couldn't wait for me to get pregnant again, because it is the only time I let him take care of me. Then I got pregnant again... and he's been working crazy overtime, 7 days a week. He's asleep almost as soon as he gets home. I think my random hysterical breakdown last night where I was sobbing for no reason reminded him of how needy I was last pregnancy. I got a text today telling me that as soon as he gets his hours under control, he'll help. We'll see.
I just really, really need ME time and I'm not getting any. I've told him this numerous times, but it isn't getting through. I need a few hours a week with no baby, and it would be nice to have a date night with him where we get a sitter. We've only done that ONCE in the 9+ months since DS was born - 2 hours on our anniversary. I just want to feel like a PERSON again instead of just a mom/wife.
I'm hungry. -me
I'm hungry too, I havent eaten in three hours. - dh
My sciatic nerve is killing me.-me
I've been working outside in the heat all day long.-dh
I need a nap.-me
You woke up 3 hours after I did, and YOU need a nap? - dh
Grr...this is our third pregnancy. I've had to tell him that it is the very last time Im doing this unless he treats me like a princess. I want middle of the night grocery store runs and backrubs galore this time.
My DH has been trying... but he gets irritated with me.. I have dramatically increased his work load around the house, i am an emotional mess every night when its time to eat, (he has said the 'i'm hungry too' thing.. ugh.) and i can't handle sex because of the all-the-time nausea (he doesn't complain about this, but i know he is thinking it) .. i try to tell myself that he is trying, but i really expect him to just pick up the slack without being so grouchy about it this is our 4th baby, he should know what to expect by now.. he also was saying things like 'isn't it a bit early for ..." though he has stopped that.. no, its never too early for hormonal-ness, extreme hunger, nausea, etc. that is why those are 1st trimester symptoms :P
I wish they could feel what we are feeling for just one day (ok maybe two, Ha) He would be the biggest baby and I would be the attentive nuturing wife. Anyway, all is better now after a good talk and cry. It is good to hear other ladies thoughts and experiences.
It is easy to criticize and blame them too when they are the ones closest to us. I feel a bit guilty about the thread title now.
My partner is pretty clueless as to how I feel too. I think because I'm not really showing yet, he doesn't think it's possible that it would be affecting me so much.
Before we knew I was pregnant he came home from work and said, "aww... are you ok? what's wrong?" (I was exhausted and looked it) and he literally flew off the handle when I told him I was tired, because HE woke up 2 hours before me and drove in heavy traffic blahblah and I got to work from home all day, and how could _I_ be tired???
He's since apologized, but yeah.. seems like a lot is about him as a PP said.
He's also told me he "doesn't believe in" all that crap about how pregnant women can't do stuff thing. Like lift heavy things etc.
Also the litterbox is driving me bananas. I asked him to take over the chore of cleaning it, and he readily agreed.. but he's cleaned it ONCE. and it's gross. and I don't want to keep nagging him about it, can't he just be an adult and clean it every day like I've been doing for over a year???
I swear to God ,my husband and I have about divorced over the litter box.
Finally I got this:
(after the electric one, etc) and I have to say - it is THE bomb. It doesnt bleach and scrub the box - as should happen - but I am pretty comphy being pregnant and having an altered immune system (for other reasons) and using this. You dont touch anything and it is easy.. Seriously - I never bitch about the box anymore - I just roll it and be done. Now.. lifting the bag of cat litter to add more... while sheesh - I put the litter in a home depot bucket with a measuring cup and I dont even have to bug him on that anymore.
Yes. I get very specific during pregnancy. "I'd really like it if you'd grab my phone for me and bring it and plug it up since I'm already under these covers and so completely cold." Or, "would you mind getting me a cup of Sprite?" etc. The more I've done this, he increasingly (I'm talking, over the last decade of 9 pregnancies) seeks to meet my needs in ways he knows I'll like. But specificity and clear communication truly are gifts we can give them to help them understand.