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other children rude to your child - what to do? - Page 3

post #41 of 84
It doesn't happen as much to adults because adults pick up on social cues as to whom they should or should not approach.

Your dd will figure out who is approachable with maturity, and other kids will become better at responding or showing in non-verbal ways that they don't want conversation with maturity.
post #42 of 84

Hi there,

I've read through all the posts and find it interesting the responses.  I have two children (third on the way) - the oldest is more outgoing but still has her shy moments.  The youngest is definitely shy and would be the child that doesn't respond to yours if approached.  But it's not that he's ignoring your daughter...he's just not as open as my oldest.  

 

My oldest (5 years old) and I have had conversations on this.  Similar situation to yours but then also when she doesn't feel like responding to a stranger (child or adult).  I have to remind her when she feels like someone else isn't responding to her that not everyone feels like talking or not everyone is outgoing and wants to engage in conversation.  

 

I think if anything this is a great opportunity to talk to your daughter about different personalities and what to expect.  Even as adults, there are people who are less engaging than others and I've learned how to communicate with them versus someone who is outgoing or even gregarious.  I like the idea of follow up questions to further engage but then also give her the confidence to trust in herself if someone dis-engages from her conversation to know it's not about her, but instead it's just the difference between how people feel comfortable with meeting new people.  

 

Thank goodness everyone is unique and we're not all the same.  It gives us opportunities to learn and grow and this can be applied in so many areas of our life.  And to be able to have this lesson even as young as 3 is awesome - think of how much more interactive and understanding she will be in 5, 10, 15, 20 years if she can learn to communicate with so many different personalities and levels of comfort with strangers/new people.  As a child I was painfully shy (almost hindering me in some places) and it took me a while to become more comfortable in public with new people or public speaking.  But it sounds like your daughter has a leg up in that respect. 

post #43 of 84
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by The4OfUs View Post

OP, for your daughter, I'd just focus on talking with her about how different people having different ideas about how to interact with strangers, and that she should go into any approach she makes being OK with saying hi and not getting a response back.

 

I like that approach. 

post #44 of 84

Oh, I feel your pain. My 21-month-old son isn't necessarly a social butterfly, but if we're out somewhere (like the grocery store), he will say hi to many of the little kids we pass. I can't recall a single time a kid has returned his hi (and it's not a matter of not understanding him; he clearly says hi and waves). It breaks my heart to see him ignored over and over and see his confused and sad expression. But at the same time, if another kid were to walk up to him and start talking, he most likely wouldn't return the hi either.  Kids are funny that way. :)

post #45 of 84
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by abouttobe5 View Post

Hi there,

I've read through all the posts and find it interesting the responses.  I have two children (third on the way) - the oldest is more outgoing but still has her shy moments.  The youngest is definitely shy and would be the child that doesn't respond to yours if approached.  But it's not that he's ignoring your daughter...he's just not as open as my oldest.  

 

My oldest (5 years old) and I have had conversations on this.  Similar situation to yours but then also when she doesn't feel like responding to a stranger (child or adult).  I have to remind her when she feels like someone else isn't responding to her that not everyone feels like talking or not everyone is outgoing and wants to engage in conversation.  

 

I think if anything this is a great opportunity to talk to your daughter about different personalities and what to expect.  Even as adults, there are people who are less engaging than others and I've learned how to communicate with them versus someone who is outgoing or even gregarious.  I like the idea of follow up questions to further engage but then also give her the confidence to trust in herself if someone dis-engages from her conversation to know it's not about her, but instead it's just the difference between how people feel comfortable with meeting new people.  

 

Thank goodness everyone is unique and we're not all the same.  It gives us opportunities to learn and grow and this can be applied in so many areas of our life.  And to be able to have this lesson even as young as 3 is awesome - think of how much more interactive and understanding she will be in 5, 10, 15, 20 years if she can learn to communicate with so many different personalities and levels of comfort with strangers/new people.  As a child I was painfully shy (almost hindering me in some places) and it took me a while to become more comfortable in public with new people or public speaking.  But it sounds like your daughter has a leg up in that respect. 

I like the idea that this is an opportunity to learn about how different people feel about meeting new people.

post #46 of 84

Hi there,

 

My 4 yo sounds exactly like your daughter. She's been very social, although not really that verbal, since she was 2 yo.

 

The ways that we ease her when she gets no response is to say something like "I think he/she does not feel like talking/playing now, what don't we go and __fill in the blank___" . She's been fine with that most times.

 

She's also been to Pre-k for a couple of years and she's happy as a clam with all her friends there, not sure if this is in your plans. For us it help with making friends that we can call upon for playdates during the weekends but more importantly to show her that she can be friends with children that took sometime warming up to her and that may be not as sociable as she is. 

 

It also helps that we live in a very small town in central Va where there are children and adults everywhere ready to talk to strangers. Whenever we've been abroad she's had a hell of a time, but even then she's been able to make people smile. If nothing else it has make her persevere on her goal of meeting new people :)

 

Good luck!

post #47 of 84

I think it's great that she's so outgoing. Hopefully that confidence will stick with her. As someone who has never had the confidence to initiate friendships that easily, I would explain to her that some people are shy and not expecting someone to talk to them. I think it's very likely that they aren't really rejecting her. Maybe they're just caught off guard, and at that age probably don't know the socially appropriate response. I agree that if an adult ignored someone's greeting it would be rude, unless the greeter obviously had ulterior motives. I agree with the others that reading social cues is something that will develop with time, but it's not really relevant when she is initiating the interaction. What cue is there to read before she's made contact? Tell her hello for me!

post #48 of 84
I think its very important for your child to be part of a regular class or Playgroup! I have a three year old also very social who sometimes makes random friends at Parks but you never see them again where as he was part of a preschool class all year and as a core group they were able to develop friendships over time. My friends who have three year also not in preschool also struggle with this issue because Parks are kind of random. You don't know the kids they could be shy and other things or just had a bad day. It would be very beneficial to have your daughter be part of a group that meets over time twice a week or something.

I have also seen my son get upset now that he has "friends" when we go to a park and nobody he recognizes is there... he will also try to make friends with stranger kids with sometimes similar results as your daughter... but its softened by him usually being part of consistent groups.. so he doesn't seem bothered by it and has the context of "strangers at the park " versus his familiar Playgroup buddies...




Good luck!
post #49 of 84
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by LAMargarita View Post

Hi there,

 

My 4 yo sounds exactly like your daughter. She's been very social, although not really that verbal, since she was 2 yo.

 

The ways that we ease her when she gets no response is to say something like "I think he/she does not feel like talking/playing now, what don't we go and __fill in the blank___" . She's been fine with that most times.

 

She's also been to Pre-k for a couple of years and she's happy as a clam with all her friends there, not sure if this is in your plans. For us it help with making friends that we can call upon for playdates during the weekends but more importantly to show her that she can be friends with children that took sometime warming up to her and that may be not as sociable as she is. 

 

It also helps that we live in a very small town in central Va where there are children and adults everywhere ready to talk to strangers. Whenever we've been abroad she's had a hell of a time, but even then she's been able to make people smile. If nothing else it has make her persevere on her goal of meeting new people :)

 

Good luck!

My daughter has friends from her Music Together class (mixed-age) and local friends' children.  She'll be starting preschool at a Montessori this September and we are all very excited about it!

post #50 of 84
I also just read thatvuour daughter is home during the week all day with your parents.. that means she's not getting any peer interaction and is seeking out a lot at the playground especialy if its one of her only opportunities to be social! My son would be going crazy if he were with my parents all week! Have your parents drop her off twice a week to some sort of half day preschool.. you will notice a huge difference!!! Best of luck.. sure it will work out!
post #51 of 84
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by ladytigerfairy View Post

I also just read thatvuour daughter is home during the week all day with your parents.. that means she's not getting any peer interaction and is seeking out a lot at the playground especialy if its one of her only opportunities to be social! My son would be going crazy if he were with my parents all week! Have your parents drop her off twice a week to some sort of half day preschool.. you will notice a huge difference!!! Best of luck.. sure it will work out!

My daughter has been attending Music Together classes since she was about 6 months old.  She also has playdates with my local friends' children and her cousins.  My parents are with her 1/2 day - I'm home at 2 pm.  She'll be starting preschool at a Montessori this September.  I think preschool will be great for her!

post #52 of 84
Quote:
I also just read thatvuour daughter is home during the week all day with your parents.. that means she's not getting any peer interaction and is seeking out a lot at the playground especialy if its one of her only opportunities to be social! My son would be going crazy if he were with my parents all week! Have your parents drop her off twice a week to some sort of half day preschool.. you will notice a huge difference!!! Best of luck.. sure it will work out!

I beg to differ- I don't think you get this.

 

I know for us my DS does have peer interaction and that is not what he is seeking in saying hi and being ignored. It occurs at NON-play date/class programs- in general every day setting- when you see people and for the most part many adults are friendly and the children simply are not. Everyday events, going to the store, market, playground, etc. places were interaction with other you do not know well takes place. It's like seeing the parent say hello or respond to a greeting and the child does the same only to be totally ignored by their peers.

 

I have found most parents (of children who do not say anything or even gesture-those who mostly just stand there and do not engage at all) are clueless that their children are not responding they are so wrapped up in their own little world to even notice.

 

I also am not a proponent of planned out play date all the time- the park/playground does not have to be with only those you know, there is a lot to be said about non scheduled, non parent directed activities and the benefits from simple spontaneous interactions.

post #53 of 84

I think the answer to your question lies in the responses.  You should take one for the team and say "hi" to the parent of the child your LO is trying to greet.  If the parent says "hi" back to you they get a chance to model the expected behavior to their child and it will make for a friendlier world some day.  If the parent gives you the cold shoulder too your child will see that this happens to everyone.  Apparently not everyone thinks its worth while to answer strangers.

 

The replies made me laugh.  Yes, ignoring a person saying "hi" to you is rude in the US.  There are other cultures and countries where the child saying "hi" to a stranger is the one being rude, but I'm pretty sure Miss Manners would agree with me on this.  Don't we all want our kids to be friendly? 

 

If your child ignores someone who is saying hi to them (and you wish they wouldn't) I think you should say hi to the child yourself. Oh, and read The Little Blue Truck at home.  As a parent of a child with special needs this is one of those things that goes on IEP goals and is the focus of therapy sessions.  It's that important!

post #54 of 84
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by kgraham View Post

I think the answer to your question lies in the responses.  You should take one for the team and say "hi" to the parent of the child your LO is trying to greet.  If the parent says "hi" back to you they get a chance to model the expected behavior to their child and it will make for a friendlier world some day.  If the parent gives you the cold shoulder too your child will see that this happens to everyone.  Apparently not everyone thinks its worth while to answer strangers.

The replies made me laugh.  Yes, ignoring a person saying "hi" to you is rude in the US.  There are other cultures and countries where the child saying "hi" to a stranger is the one being rude, but I'm pretty sure Miss Manners would agree with me on this.  Don't we all want our kids to be friendly? 

If your child ignores someone who is saying hi to them (and you wish they wouldn't) I think you should say hi to the child yourself. Oh, and read The Little Blue Truck at home.  As a parent of a child with special needs this is one of those things that goes on IEP goals and is the focus of therapy sessions.  It's that important!

Modeling the behavior is how my husband and I choose to teach manners. While my DD always says hi back, she sometimes doesn't say thank you right away because she's excited about the present she just received or really interested in it. When that happens I simply say thank you to the person and that's it. Most of the time, DD will say thank you eventually.

I do say hi to the parent if DD says hi to the child. I don't think I've ever had a parent not say hi back.

We actually had a lovely experience yesterday. We spent the morning at a nature preserve including doing a group tour. DD said hi to a couple of kids. A 5-6 year old girl let her play with her binoculars and even showed her how to use them. When DD said hi to a boy of about 7, he said hi back and then said "she's so cute." Later when she tried to hold his hand while walking to another area, he totally held her hand while chatting with us about something that happened to him recently. It was a really nice day!
post #55 of 84
Having been on both sides of the fence, I think you should just explain to your daughter what happened simply. "I guess he wasn't comfortable to talk right now, sweetie, it's nothing you did. Everyone feels different in new situations."

I'm sure plenty of parents and children believed my 3 year old DS was rude... But his speech was lacking and he got very anxious that other children couldn't understand him. He's now just shy of 4 and though he still can't say his name properly, other kids understand pretty much everything he says now. He used to be the blank stare kid, and now he's the one who runs up and says "Hi, I'm Au-don (Austin) , do you want to be friends? " and often other 3,4, and 5 year olds will say nothing or hide behind their parents... I just remind DS everyone feels different on new situations and encourage him to see if there's someone else who would like to play.
post #56 of 84
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by anjsmama View Post

Having been on both sides of the fence, I think you should just explain to your daughter what happened simply. "I guess he wasn't comfortable to talk right now, sweetie, it's nothing you did. Everyone feels different in new situations.".

I like your suggestion. Thank you.
post #57 of 84

Same thing happens to my little guy - it never fails to break my heart. I will often say, out loud, that the other child may be feeling shy and if he (my son) wants to talk, I would be happy to talk to him. I like to explain the situation so its less awkward for the child who isn't responding and less of a negative experience for my son. If he inquires as to why they didn't respond, I tell him the truth - that not all children are comfortable with saying hello to people they don't know, that some children feel shy sometimes, that some children can't think of the right words to say. I use it as an opportunity for him to understand others better...but, like I mentioned before - it never fails to break my heart.
 

post #58 of 84

I have read only the first page and a few other posts. My daughter is now eight. When she was younger she went through the same thing and I, too, experienced some heartache when this happened to her. She would get this real dumbfounded look on her face and could not understand it. Sometimes she experienced some sadness or looked sad, but then she would recover and move on to someone or something else. I started explaining to her that some kids are shy and you need to give them some space and maybe they will play, but they might not. Some children are told not to talk to strangers so maybe they are just listening to their parents. It looks like she or he is very busy playing right now maybe they will play later.

 

The kids that are just plain rude (they are usually the older ones), I would sometimes say to her that they are still learning their playground manners and then redirect her to someone or something else. When she became more verbal, she would actually sometimes ask the parent if their child could play with her, if she thought they couldn't talk to strangers or were too shy. The more social experience she got the better she was at handling it and figuring out who wanted to play and who didn't. Or how to wait for signals to know when a slow-to-warm-up child is ready to play. It is all part of learning how to deal with the little personality she is becoming.

 

She has an older sister who was a very-slow-to-warm-up child. She also went through this in her own way. It is all about learning how to be who they are and social creatures. It is heart-wrenching at times, but just be there for her to help navigate through some sticky situations. She will probably be just fine. 

post #59 of 84

Both my son (5) and daughter (4) are like your kiddo, OP.  My son for some reason seems to get replies back much of the time he says hi to other kids, but DD rarely if ever gets a positive reply, and she's been starting to be sad and say things about it like "no one wants to play with me" and such.  We're starting her in preschool in the fall specifically to get her some social time.


I think it is a cultural phenomenon where many parents have such busy social lives and schedule playdates and classes and even homeschool groups that they train their kids to only play with the kids they're scheduled to interact with.  I think in the past, when parents didn't do all this scheduling stuff all the time, kids were just, I don't know, not expected to be best buds with other kids, but it seems that if they lived in the same town or neighborhood or something, they could at least say hi to one another.  I mean, how else did whole groups of kids get to know each other, play neighborhood games, etc?  It wasn't mommy making a playdate with the kids down the street.  As for us, our family just doesn't DO mommy and me groups, scheduled classes, things like that.  And we have moved so often and to new areas that I personally have zero mommy friends right now, so clearly no other families to get together with.  So... how are my kids supposed to meet other kids, again??  Why am I supposed to make friends for them when in generations past the kids were perfectly able to make friends for themselves, generally speaking?  Maybe not at age 3, but at age 5, 6, 7?  (Obviously this is more asking in theory than really asking that personally, but you know what I mean.)


I have actually posted on here a few years ago when I had a mom say to me at a neighborhood playground (the week we moved into a new neighborhood) that they don't go to playgrounds to make friends, they go to play with friends they already have.  I didn't even get why she would say that.  I didn't get up all in her business and ask her to be my bff, I made one small-talk type comment about her daughter who looked about the same age as mine.  I guess she got offended I said anything to her at all?  Well, fine.  Don't be friendly, then.  Even the ladies at LLL meeting I went to specifically to meet other moms already went with their mom friends and weren't looking for new ones.  I'm just as confused as my daughter is by the unfriendliness of some people.  I am an introvert too, believe it or not, and I certainly don't go pushing myself on people, but there are times when even just saying a pleasantry seems to offend others.  (As reinforced by some of the responses on this thread...)  It is cultural, and I'm a little confused by why culture is heading down this road.  But oh well.


I think it's a parents' job to teach social skills.  For parents of kids who are too friendly, that means teaching how to respect social cues, not be pushy, etc.  And, for parents of intense/busy/whatever kids, that means teaching them how to be polite and say hi back to other kids.  It's a learning process.  Adults shouldn't consider other kids rude.  If anyone was rude, perhaps it's the parents, if they don't say something to teach the kids.  Yes, there are times when my kids are "rude", but I try to make being in public a learning experience.  How we deal with others.  Not being pushy, not being unfriendly to the point of impoliteness.


I am really surprised that if someone came up to someone in a farmer's market and said hello to you, they would consider it OK to not say anything back.  I understand not getting into a full on conversation.  But if someone's going to make the reach to say hello to someone, I can't imagine just staring at them and walking away.  I also admit that I don't fully get the whole "are you sharing an experience isntead of sharing the same space" if you're on the playground or something.  Yeah, you're sharing the experience of playing in a public playground.  I wouldn't walk into someone's yard and join in on their pool party no matter how much fun it looked like.  But if my kids are playing at the local park, and they want to interact with the other kids there, why do some parents think that it's somehow intrusive to their kids if mine say hello?  It's another thing entirely if your kid made clear that they want to be left alone to build their sand castle, and mine were to follow them around and pester them.  (They wouldn't, btw.)  But just saying hello?  That's bothersome?


If your kid has special needs, that's DIFFERENT, and I GET THAT. (My own son has SN.  And he doesn't always "look" like he does, so I always keep an open mind about any other family and don't judge, because you don't know what's going on.  Even if there isn't a SN, the kid might be tired or sick or grieving or whatever!)  But if your kid is just the type of person to be busy in what they're doing, then please teach them at least what another pp said - to say "hi, I'm busy right now, nice to meet you but I'd rather be left alone."  Props to that.  But to condone them ignoring other kids is rude, imo.  Are they always going to act perfect?  Heck no.  But it's a parent's job to at least TRY to get them to understand that ignoring others isn't kind.


Before you come at me that I couldn't possibly understand the sensitive child - I *was* that sensitive child.  This post is coming from a person who was PAINFULLY shy as a child.  I was constantly "embarrassing" my own mother because for the longest time, I wouldn't say hi to anyone, even her friends.  So I get it.  But she kept at it because she viewed it as her job to teach me how to at least be polite.  And eventually it sunk in.

post #60 of 84
Quote:
Originally Posted by hollase View Post

Same thing happens to my little guy - it never fails to break my heart. I will often say, out loud, that the other child may be feeling shy and if he (my son) wants to talk, I would be happy to talk to him. I like to explain the situation so its less awkward for the child who isn't responding and less of a negative experience for my son. If he inquires as to why they didn't respond, I tell him the truth - that not all children are comfortable with saying hello to people they don't know, that some children feel shy sometimes, that some children can't think of the right words to say. I use it as an opportunity for him to understand others better...but, like I mentioned before - it never fails to break my heart.
 

 

Everything she said.

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