July Pagan Family Thread - Page 4

[Maiasaura]

Originally Posted by SaguaroMoon Maia - . What a rough month! It sounds like this has been really energy draining for you - I hope you give yourself permission to spend some time this weekend not thinking about the whole situation. Go out, do something fun with DS, go somewhere alone and have a relaxing time. You need and deserve that.

I'm trying to start meditating while breastfeeding - that's sorta kinda working.

I took a quick walk with DS after a monsoon last evening, and really tried to focus on the birds, cacti, etc.

Thanks for the candle and kind thoughts. It really, really has. Turned out she called 4x and left two hateful, venomous, f-word peppered voicemails. Lovely, huh? For someone who told me to leave her alone, that really is letting it go, huh. She was mad because her dad kept giving her earfuls, I guess. Oh well, it's not very fun to get called on your behavior when you have a habit of blaming someone else.

You know-- I've really been thinking a lot about her behavior, and M's, and mine-- I am trying to pray (kindly ) for her every day. I am turning to my 12-step background for enlightenment and understanding and trying to have compassion even in the face of her horrid abuse.

Realizing lots of stuff:

1) she is a ACOA and I have been looking up stuff about that-- symptoms, typical behaviors, etc. She is classic. Classic. I have lots of the behaviors, too, actually, but I think I've been able to overcome lots of them through being sober.

2) over the last nearly 3 years of M and I being back together, M has been slowly working toward better health, including realizing he's an alkie, and needs help for such. He drinks more water-- didn't used to drink any. He reads labels. He's starting to make a dent in his food behavior, slow though that may be-- it's a start. He's given up lots of his former go-to foods, such as PopTarts. It's not surprising that when one person starts to break a family dynamic, the others revolt. He is upsetting the apple cart, and while neither of them realize it, it's uncomfortable for both. Painful, even. Anger-inducing, rage inducing. He's not acting the way he's "supposed" to, and she is LIVID. Sees me as the cause. This isn't happy for her at all, and it's uncomfortable for M, but if M continues on his path-- already he is healthier and happier-- the rest of his family might have to see his modeling and try to get better themselves. That is the best case scenario. One can hope. Or she can never heal-- I hope not.

3) She doesn't see her own behavior as any cause for alarm. It's all finger-pointing at everybody else. She's the hero, the savior, the backbone. Her father is pulling away in some ways (because he's maturing his ownself), and it's not pretty, for her, that he doesn't lean on her completely anymore. He has me. She's pissed as hell about that.

So anyway, I'm laying low and not getting in the playpen. I asked M last night a favor: I said, let it go. Don't engage with her anymore about it. Because it takes two to tango, and if you refuse to dance, she'll eventually stop. We have both said our piece and she will have to stew in it awhile. He's agreed.

Congrats on your new LO! YES-- about meditating while nursing. I think nursing IS meditative. I used to sit outside and just let my vision go weird-- it stopped doing that a couple years into nursing-- and watch Nature.

Where do you live that it's 100+? Yowsa.

[Maiasaura]

I am still refusing to get in the playpen. M and I are mostly not talking about this anymore, but his dd just talked to him on the phone, and when he said something about something (health related), she sarcastically said "Ask <Maiasaura>. SHE knows everything".

Um-- really? When I called you umpteen times asking for information about M while he was in the hospital? She is the one who supposedly knows everything about schizophrenia, because she took some college classes, and made it abundantly clear that she knows all and I know nothing. Geez.
 

Gah. M is still holding resentment against ME for rocking the boat. This sucks. I am laying low till I get there and then maybe bring things up, where we can be face to face. I know it's hard for him to be mad at me about anything while we are face to face.

He's really, really upset about this, though. I think he's mostly blaming me for that there is a rift between his dd and him, though. I don't think, if he really examined this whole thing, that he'd blame me for standing up for myself-- or maybe he would, I don't know.

Back in May, it was my ds's natural father's birthday. He died back in '04 when ds wasn't yet four. DS has three older half sibs. The youngest of these, the one with whom I have any relationship at all, is turning 23 and is out in CA. She posted a happy birthday to her dad on FB.

I posted, too, that I had thought about him that day, but with mixed feelings. She got WAY upset about that, took it personally, and thought I was dissing her father on her page on his birthday, and ripped me a new one. M thought that was WAY out of line, and even said "I can't believe she would speak so to a 52yo woman"-- he is huge on respecting one's elders.

What I want to know is, how is this different? How is it more acceptable? Why should I shut up and take this woman's abuse just because she is his dd? In the interest of keeping the peace? I don't even think so. I just don't get it.

Plus, I have shut up, just like she asked (TOLD, really) me to. She is the one that has been dragging this on and on. Why is this my fault?

[witchygrrl]

She obviously has major issues, Maia, that are not going away any time soon. M does need to stand up for you and put her, who is not the elder, in her place, somehow. I definitely think you are doing the right thing by no longer engaging her.

[revolting]

Originally Posted by vydalea 

Off to pack for the festival this weekend.  Looks like rain tomorrow... good thing I'm not sweet enough to melt (and have a TOTALLY NERDY but TOTALLY AWESOME) rain outfit... pants, jacket and I have rocked that in the rain while dancing like a maniac before! woohoo!!  haha.  

So how was the festival?

Originally Posted by witchygrrl 

I am still hoping for good job news for either of us. At this point, I desperately want to stop teaching and just DO something else, like research, editing,  or even be an admin assistant. I have WAY too much education for the latter for anyone to hire me for it, though, so I'm banking on the research or editing instead. As for DH, it looks like half the schools he applies don't even OPEN his application. He uses an online site that gives you status updates on your application, so we *know* they aren't getting looked at. So frustrating.
 

Oh man, that's so disheartening. I hope something turns up for the two of you soon!

Originally Posted by SaguaroMoon 

Hi all!

I don't get to post much - between my 11 week old DS and having to use my DH's messed-up laptop because mine is completely broken - but thanks for all the welcoming and suggestions last month!

It sounds like this has been quite a month for some of you!

I will definitely check out the Circle Round book that everyone recommends! I have recently learned about Amazon having really terrible labor practices (apparently, they're big into union busting), so I'm limiting myself to either spending full price at our local women's bookstore (which I would do all the time if I could afford it, but can't often), or searching our great used bookstores for it. I've also been looking into pagan-themed children's books. I found a neat site called goodreads - here's their "shelf" for pagan parenting: http://www.goodreads.com/shelf/show/pagan-parenting

One book I really love is The Pagan Family by Cesiwr Serith. He has some really nice ideas, and just some really great suggestions for sharing Pagan concepts and values with your kids.

I've also been having lots of fun looking up Pagan crafts for kids, imagining how we'll celebrate Sabbats when DS gets older, etc.

However, I'm realizing that my own practice is really falling by the wayside. Obviously, having a tiny LO takes up most of anyone's time, but that may not be an excuse for the fact that I've basically meditated once or twice in the past 3 months. I'm trying to start meditating while breastfeeding - that's sorta kinda working. I've also decided to re-listen to my OBOD (Order of Bards, Ovates, and Druids) CDs - DH and I had started to make a bi-weekly practice of listening to them / doing the meditations before DS was born, and we got halfway through them. I think I'll start over from the beginning - even if I can't do all of the rituals, at least I'm absorbing the concepts and energy. It's also been hard to get out much, as most days it's 100F+ here - I really need to spend more time outdoors in nature. I took a quick walk with DS after a monsoon last evening, and really tried to focus on the birds, cacti, etc.

Any advice from anyone on how you've kept any kind of spiritual routine whilst being consumed by your newborn?

I'd love to read the Pagan family. I will admit to using Amazon more than I'd like, but I do live near a great library that will borrow books from other libraries if you really want a book, which might be an option at your library, too.

I know this probably isn't what you want to hear, but I definitely think the period after you've physically recovered from the birth but before they've become mobile is probably the easiest time to accomplish things, in my experience. Mostly, though, I think that spirituality with kids requires brevity. You aren't going to get a half an hour of uninterrupted time. I think it's finding a moment to say a prayer here, to leave an offering as you take the kids to a park, etc...

We went to Ren Faire this weekend. Oh, mamas, do I love Ren Faire. Totally lusting after a corset...maybe next year when I'm not pregnant, lol. There was a whole Pagan bookstore there, too! My eldest loved it, too.

[LionessMom]

Originally Posted by SaguaroMoon 
Lioness - Congrats on the new LO!!!

Any advice from anyone on how you've kept any kind of spiritual routine whilst being consumed by your newborn?

i go to the UU church and that helps me. they have a mediation every time and being there helps me get into a frame of mind for the rest of the week. other than that, i just try to remember to do everything with intent. clean, cook, nurse, take care of the other kids etc with the intent of stirring up happy positive energy to make a fulfilling house. there really isnt much time to do other stuff with a newborn or little children. celebrating holidays are big things that happen. but the little every day things all have to be done while caring for the kids. so i make it about the kids. the biggest "ritual" i do is make dinner or give them baths. i try to stir (or fry or add herbs etc) with intent. i wash the kids hair with intent. etc. i just try to remember that every moment is a chance for practicing. i have to admit though, it doesnt always happen like that. sometimes i am just too tired or cranky to get much going on like that. i settle for just trying to remember that every moment is Divine. 

Originally Posted by Maiasaura 

It's not surprising that when one person starts to break a family dynamic, the others revolt. He is upsetting the apple cart, and while neither of them realize it, it's uncomfortable for both. Painful, even. Anger-inducing, rage inducing. He's not acting the way he's "supposed" to, and she is LIVID. Sees me as the cause. This isn't happy for her at all, and it's uncomfortable for M, but if M continues on his path-- already he is healthier and happier-- the rest of his family might have to see his modeling and try to get better themselves. That is the best case scenario. One can hope. Or she can never heal-- I hope not.

when i was taking my STEPPS classes, the teacher used to say, all the time, that when you change it forces everybody around you to change. 

Energy flows and if one person changes their energy then it is different in the flow, and how it flows. not everybody can accept that comfortably. 

you have to admit that if you hadnt come into the pic he wouldnt have changed. they will all get over it. you are making a positive change in the life of the man you love. growing up can be uncomfortable. every one was mad at me for years bc my husband was choosing me over drinking with his friends... and family. they all thought i was trying to keep him from them. all i wanted was for him to not drink everywhere he went. it is now to the point where he can go visit and not drink. that changed every one. most of his friends are now making the same choice. They seen what he did and they now choose their family over drinking with friends. they only do that for special occasions and only if their families are ok with it. change is not always a bad thing. it is neccessary for growth. it sounds like M is figuring that out. his DD sounds like she is rebelling against it and that is her own personal mental health issue. you are not responsible for how she feels. period. M isnt responsible for how she feels either. she is a grown woman who is acting like a child. 

keep your head up. 

[Maiasaura]

Originally Posted by Maiasaura Gah. M is still holding resentment against ME for rocking the boat. This sucks. I am laying low till I get there and then maybe bring things up, where we can be face to face. I know it's hard for him to be mad at me about anything while we are face to face.

He's really, really upset about this, though. I think he's mostly blaming me for that there is a rift between his dd and him, though. I don't think, if he really examined this whole thing, that he'd blame me for standing up for myself-- or maybe he would, I don't know.

Quoting my ownself

M isn't mad at me. I think he was, but that's because L is being incredibly manipulating, also, and extremely out of bounds-- I told him on web cam that her first voice mail said she had "threatened" to call his other dd, who lives in Australia, and "that is NOT something my father wants me to do"-- I'm thinking, why, because what, she's going to hop on a plane and come here and beat us up? I mean, get real. So tell her. Tell the Pope. Tell God. I don't give a f*ck. Ooooh, I'm so scared Oh, and in her 2nd voice mail, she said she'd "let" me have my little life with her father. Let? Are you freaking kidding me? The whole thing was peppered with the F-word. She sounded so angry she was on the verge of tears. Whatever.
Grow the F up.

Y'all have known me on here for years. You know I am usually pretty conciliatory and rather nice (I hope?). I don't ever get this...hmm, adamant. Tell you what, though, poke at something long enough and it will bite. I have been way too patient for way too long.

Originally Posted by witchygrrl She obviously has major issues, Maia, that are not going away any time soon. M does need to stand up for you and put her, who is not the elder, in her place, somehow. I definitely think you are doing the right thing by no longer engaging her.

I did remind him, in that same cam session, about my stepdd and how he reacted, about her being really disrespectful of her elder (me) and why does L get a "get out of jail free" card with disrespect, just because she's his dd?

He IS standing up for me. Maybe too much, now. I told him when he goes over there for lunch today to let it lie low for awhile, but he wants her to see how very much he loves me, and that I am not going away. I said I don't think that's going to make her acquiesce any. But it's now his issue. I am not having anything to do with her for the foreseeable future. She can just get over her dang self. And he can handle it.

Originally Posted by revolting Totally lusting after a corset...maybe next year when I'm not pregnant, lol.

Now you've got me wondering-- in the age of corsets, what DID pregnant women do?

Originally Posted by LionessMom i just try to remember to do everything with intent. clean, cook, nurse, take care of the other kids etc with the intent of stirring up happy positive energy to make a fulfilling house.

the little every day things all have to be done while caring for the kids. so i make it about the kids. the biggest "ritual" i do is make dinner or give them baths. i try to stir (or fry or add herbs etc) with intent. i wash the kids hair with intent. etc. i just try to remember that every moment is a chance for practicing. i have to admit though, it doesnt always happen like that. sometimes i am just too tired or cranky to get much going on like that. i settle for just trying to remember that every moment is Divine. 

when i was taking my STEPPS classes, the teacher used to say, all the time, that when you change it forces everybody around you to change. 

Energy flows and if one person changes their energy then it is different in the flow, and how it flows. not everybody can accept that comfortably. 

you have to admit that if you hadnt come into the pic he wouldnt have changed. they will all get over it. you are making a positive change in the life of the man you love. growing up can be uncomfortable. every one was mad at me for years bc my husband was choosing me over drinking with his friends... and family. they all thought i was trying to keep him from them. all i wanted was for him to not drink everywhere he went. it is now to the point where he can go visit and not drink. that changed every one. most of his friends are now making the same choice. They seen what he did and they now choose their family over drinking with friends. they only do that for special occasions and only if their families are ok with it. change is not always a bad thing. it is neccessary for growth. it sounds like M is figuring that out. his DD sounds like she is rebelling against it and that is her own personal mental health issue. you are not responsible for how she feels. period. M isnt responsible for how she feels either. she is a grown woman who is acting like a child. 

keep your head up. 

Wonderful, about acting with intent-- I do try to remember that. I don't always succeed, but I do try. For instance, I stir deosil, I try not to cook when I am angry (I believe what you intend goes into the food), I even put my laundry in the washer deosil, if I have to do something widdershins I try to figure out what I can banish.

What are STEPPS classes? Great advice, that. Thank you for the encouraging words. I know this-- it just took me a bit of meditation and contemplation to figure it out and remember. I know it will eventually work out. I just wish that it wasn't taking years and years.

I mean-- M and I got back together nearly THREE YEARS ago, and all this time she has had a resentment, and built up this idea of what a monster I am. Made it all up in her head. And is now fulfilling that prophecy with everything she can grasp. It stinks. It's all so unnecessary.

Anyway-- I'm going up there Thursday! Woohoo! I can not WAIT to see him.

AND, I'm so glad his dd lives a half hour away and has no car Not that she'd stop by while I am there, anyway.

[mamaofthree]

ok, so i am gonna pop in and say howdy! 

although the thread is only 4 pages i am thinking i probably won't read everything.

maia: ((HUGS)) from skimming it sounds like stuff has been rough. i'm sorry.

and i saw a baby??!!! woohoo on the baby!

[Valerie.Qc]

I'm here... trying to keep up.

Summer keeps me busy... and I caught a cold... feeling awful...

On New Moon night, I caught people in my yard.   I was out with the dog before bed and heard something in the dark... Men voices...  Turns out to be some neighbor... He told me he likes to come in my yard because it's very dark and he can get pictures of Orbs and watch the night sky.   DH is supposed to go talk to him and tell him we prefer he find somewhere else for his nightly activities.

[LionessMom]

Originally Posted by Maiasaura 

What are STEPPS classes? 

they were classes i took as part of therapy. i was dxd as having borderline personality disorder. this class is for people with that and bipolar to learn how to control their over emotional responses to situations including being codependent and stuff. i have a big workbook of stuff we did and everything. it was almost a yearlong program and lots of people in the class had to take it over for years. i was good after the first year or 2, but i stuck around for a few more just to make sure it was sticking. :) i will see if i can find something online about it...

http://www.uihealthcare.com/topics/medicaldepartments/psychiatry/stepps/index.html

http://www.steppsforbpd.com/About_stepps.html

that is all i could find.

[vydalea]

HI MAMAS!! I'm here, i'm here!  The festival (a music festival near Ithaca NY which has lots of sweet bluegrass, roots reggae, zydeco and other eclectic music) was AWESOME but it has literally taken me 2 days to recover.  Not from alcohol (i had a whole 2 whopping beers on Friday EVENING) but from dancing, being on my feet and being awake until 3am on Saturday morning.  Seriously.  What the heck!  I used to be able to stay awake for 24 hours and hardly miss a beat... hahaha.  It was fab, though.  Absolutely awesome. Got to hang out with DH and just dance and be and it was pure awesomeness.  Brought Z up with us on Sunday and she loved it!  She got to dance and "hula hoop" (as much as a 2yo can!).  

Maia, I think sending up prayers for M's daughter is a super idea.  I really do.  I think it will be most helpful for helping you move through this.  Not like you have to accept her a$$hole-ish-ness (like that word?) but it can help you to move beyond it and concentrate on you and M.  I know it takes patience and is helacious as you're going through this but I am sure it will all shake out in the end.  You seem to be a really, really wonderful and kind person with "right intention" in this situation and I have faith that everything will be OKAY!  *hughughhug*  safe travels tomorrow, mama.  Give M a hug from me.  You guys need it, man!  bah!  

 

Originally Posted by revolting 

I've been too sick to keep up, but Maia, look into having him grant you durable power of attorney.
 

How are you feeling, mama?  How is the little one growin' in your womb?  And the house stuff?  and all the other wild-ness that you're going through.  After all this you better get yourself a corset next year!! yeah!! 

Originally Posted by SaguaroMoon 

Any advice from anyone on how you've kept any kind of spiritual routine whilst being consumed by your newborn?

My spirituality was highly enhanced when Z was born, I think because I realized that I don't need a routine but have to find little swatches of time that I can make my own.  I would send up gratefulness as she bawled her head off (thanking the Universe that I had this beautiful soul in my arms that she and I were both here to experience it together, etc).  Like Maia said, I would meditate when I fed her, when I rocked her, etc.  I would take her out and we'd leave offerings together, little easy ones, etc.  I don't know if this helps.  

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by Valerie.Qc 

I'm here... trying to keep up.

Summer keeps me busy... and I caught a cold... feeling awful...

On New Moon night, I caught people in my yard.   I was out with the dog before bed and heard something in the dark... Men voices...  Turns out to be some neighbor... He told me he likes to come in my yard because it's very dark and he can get pictures of Orbs and watch the night sky.   DH is supposed to go talk to him and tell him we prefer he find somewhere else for his nightly activities.

Hope you feel better, mama!  Summer sickness sucks!!  

So, let's see... this week has been all about recovery like I said.  Eating lots of veggies and sleeping.  Also have to get the house in some semblance of order because we are off to the beach in 2 weeks.  I'm totally one of those people who has to clean before I go on vaca.  We descend with so much mess when we get home I don't like to put mess on mess.

Also, for Lammas I am going to help Z set up her own little altar!  yay!  Does anyone want to share with me what they do for their kid's altars or family altars?  She helped me choose some flowers for my altar at Solstice and now she's really loving it so it seems like it's time!  I am super excited!  weee!!  What all does everyone put on their family altars?  If you feel like sharing.  I know it's really personal choice but I'd love to have some ideas!  

[mary3mama]

How CAN it be near the end of July?

Reading along, ladies.

Sending thoughts, prayers and best vibes to all the challenges and virtual 'schoonches' to all the babies. 

           

[Maiasaura]

I know, right?

Well....good news and bad news.

The bad news: M got freaking fired from this last job, too. On the day I arrived here, yesterday. He's really considering that his age and meds and medical issues and being in that trade for so long is wearing on him. He's still applying for more manufacturing jobs, but also is considering getting something else entirely, like maybe driving a UPS van or something. Or seriously considering disability, maybe. His brother, his dd have both mentioned it, and he can easily get it b/c of the schizophrenia. He's just such a working kind of man. I can't see him w/o a job, really.

The good news: He is not letting this latest blow ruin our time together. He can so easily be affected by this kind of thing and let it consume him into self-hatred. We've been having a wonderful time so far

The other good news is I am pretty sure that so far, ds is behaving admirably. I have to admit that I bribed him with a new pack of Bey Blades that he won't get, when I get home, unless he gets a good report from Caregiver.

My goodness-- the weather up here is to die for! It's gotta be a good 20* lower than in NC. I can't wait to live here. I know it's been beastly lately, but M has lived here for 38 years and he says it's still got four fair seasons. YAY. Asheville used to...not anymore. It's a lot hotter year-round than it used to be. Ugh.

[Valerie.Qc]

Come join me in August Thread