I'm trying to start meditating while breastfeeding - that's sorta kinda working.
I took a quick walk with DS after a monsoon last evening, and really tried to focus on the birds, cacti, etc.
Thanks for the candle and kind thoughts. It really, really has. Turned out she called 4x and left two hateful, venomous, f-word peppered voicemails. Lovely, huh? For someone who told me to leave her alone, that really is letting it go, huh. She was mad because her dad kept giving her earfuls, I guess. Oh well, it's not very fun to get called on your behavior when you have a habit of blaming someone else.
You know-- I've really been thinking a lot about her behavior, and M's, and mine-- I am trying to pray (kindly ) for her every day. I am turning to my 12-step background for enlightenment and understanding and trying to have compassion even in the face of her horrid abuse.
Realizing lots of stuff:
1) she is a ACOA and I have been looking up stuff about that-- symptoms, typical behaviors, etc. She is classic. Classic. I have lots of the behaviors, too, actually, but I think I've been able to overcome lots of them through being sober.
2) over the last nearly 3 years of M and I being back together, M has been slowly working toward better health, including realizing he's an alkie, and needs help for such. He drinks more water-- didn't used to drink any. He reads labels. He's starting to make a dent in his food behavior, slow though that may be-- it's a start. He's given up lots of his former go-to foods, such as PopTarts. It's not surprising that when one person starts to break a family dynamic, the others revolt. He is upsetting the apple cart, and while neither of them realize it, it's uncomfortable for both. Painful, even. Anger-inducing, rage inducing. He's not acting the way he's "supposed" to, and she is LIVID. Sees me as the cause. This isn't happy for her at all, and it's uncomfortable for M, but if M continues on his path-- already he is healthier and happier-- the rest of his family might have to see his modeling and try to get better themselves. That is the best case scenario. One can hope. Or she can never heal-- I hope not.
3) She doesn't see her own behavior as any cause for alarm. It's all finger-pointing at everybody else. She's the hero, the savior, the backbone. Her father is pulling away in some ways (because he's maturing his ownself), and it's not pretty, for her, that he doesn't lean on her completely anymore. He has me. She's pissed as hell about that.
So anyway, I'm laying low and not getting in the playpen. I asked M last night a favor: I said, let it go. Don't engage with her anymore about it. Because it takes two to tango, and if you refuse to dance, she'll eventually stop. We have both said our piece and she will have to stew in it awhile. He's agreed.
Congrats on your new LO! YES-- about meditating while nursing. I think nursing IS meditative. I used to sit outside and just let my vision go weird-- it stopped doing that a couple years into nursing-- and watch Nature.
Where do you live that it's 100+? Yowsa.