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[MamaRuga]

Night before last DH told me that he wants to move out.  I am only 2 weeks postpartum and not at all prepared for this.  It is a COMPLETE SHOCK.  I had NO IDEA.  

I knew that DH was feeling burned out and really is at a midlife crisis.  He is 50 and realizing how little time he has left to do what he really wants to do in his life.  Work has always been his passion.  He feels that he has a mission here on earth and must get it done before he dies.  He kept saying that once the baby was here we needed to really talk about things, but I thought that it was about making changes with the way we were managing our lives, not about divorce.  But, he feels that having a family is taking too much time and energy away from his time to work.  There are too many demands being made on him and he can't do what he came here to do with so many external pulls on him.   I would never want to stand in the way of his passion and life's work.  I thought that we were a support and a joy for him not a hinderance.

There is a lot of back story.  For one (really big) thing, DH has aspergers syndrome.  This makes it much harder to deal with relationships and other peoples needs. He already needs a lot of time and space to himself.  I handle 99% of all household and parenting things.  We try to keep as much off of him as possible.  But I do get frustrated about it at times.  He has found a few of the on-line posts (by accident) where I've reached out for support as someone in a challenging apergers relationship.  I think that he must feel ashamed and guilty that I suffer because of his differences.   We also have a business together and I had pulled way back from it once we had children.  He is really resentful about that.  I've been so complaining about my unmet needs, and obviously haven't handled that in a positive way because he feels shamed and guilt and has come to the point that he doesn't want to even try to meet my needs (or believes that he just can't).  

But the bottom line is I have a new baby and a 4 year old. I don't have any emotional resources or balance right now.  I thought that we were a family and he was committed to us no matter what.  I thought he was committed to ME no matter what.  I thought that our relationship was a solid rock under my feet (and obviously took it for granted).  I NEVER thought that this would happen to us.  We have been friends for over 20 years and married for 11 years.  

Oh my God, I don't want to be a single mother!  I don't want my babies to grow up in a broken home.  My daughter will be crushed to have her daddy move out.  I will be crushed.  As odd as our relationship is compared to the average marriage, he is still my best friend and the person that I want to spend my life with.  But his heart is hardened.  And, for an aspie, that is pretty much a done deal. It is very hard to ever change their mind.  Everything is so black and white and unemotional.  He is so matter of fact about the whole thing.  

He has agreed that we could find a therapist to clear the air on the really charged issues that he is so resentful about.  And he has also agreed to not make any final decision (although I know that he has made his decision) and move out until the end of the year.  I'm praying that a miracle can happen in that time and his heart will open back to me again.  

All I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry all day.  But I have a baby that needs feeding and a little girl who needs her mama as we all adjust to life with a new born.  I honestly thought that everything was going well.  We had a wonderful family space in the weeks before the birth, a fantastic birth, and the postpartum recovery has been great.  

I keep thinking this must be a really bad dream.  Please send me prayers and hold us in light right now.  I feel so vulnerable and blown open.  How in the world do I manage this on top of all of the postpartum emotional shifts?

[MovnMama]

Oh my, mamaruga! I couldn't read and not post. That is terrible. I literally have no words to ... Ugh, to do anything. I'm so sorry. What a bomb. I'll keep you in my thoughts - maybe they'll be slightly more coherent soon, and I'll come back to post again. Stay strong. Hugs.

[thecountrymouse]

I am so sorry you have to go through this.  I feel for you!  

[KristaDJ]

Oh honey ((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))) You will be in my thoughts <3

[iowaorganic]

Oh NO!  I am so sorry MamaRuga.  I will be praying for you and your family

[tri31]

I'll be praying for you mama. My dh is 50 and struggling with a lack of peace in his life, I pray all the time or him, too. Once  a month I think everything is falling apart. Not just for me, there are major changes bulldozing the lives of many people I love right now. It is hard to surrender to these circumstances, we can't control. Try to nurture the new beginnings that are struggling to take root. We are loved, everything is  going to be okay.

[Monkey's Mum]

nak. that is awful!!!  what a horrible time to hear something like that - not that anytime is good - but 2 weeks post partum is not a sane place to deal with major life changes. i'm so sorry your dh did this. i'm also angry for you. do you have any other support around you? you will be in my thoughts.

[Lite]

WOW that is so rough!!!  I'm so very sorry for you and your babies.  I don't have anything helpful to say but want to send my hugs to you.  So sorry :(

[MamaRuga]

Thanks everyone.  I am very fortunate to have support.  I have a post partum doula for a few more weeks, so there is help with a lot of the household stuff.  Plus, my mom and dad live right next door.  My mother specializes in post partum depression, so she is a great resource for me and really REALLY understands how dangerous this type of emotional upset can be with a new baby.  Today I am feeling a bit more of my anger, but mostly just grief.  I am still holding out hope that we can find our way through this.  But I'm starting to spend more time thinking about all of the sacrifices I've already made and wondering if I can make any more.  

Suddenly I just don't feel connected to my new baby.  I'm just going through the motions of caring for her, and I know that I love her, but my heart is just elsewhere.  I feel sad for her to be exposed to so much deep adult emotion so early in her life. But I am going to just have to be gentle with myself and not add mother-guilt on top of everything else.  Right now, it is just about trying to get enough sleep (I didn't sleep at all last night) to be able to manage parenting.  My DD1 has been over at her grandparents all weekend with her cousin, aunt and uncle visiting.  It has been really good to have the space because no 4 year old wants to see their mother wandering the house crying all day.  But she will be back this afternoon and I will have to pull myself together to move ahead from here.  

The most important thing is to do EVERYTHING I can to stay emotionally stable.  I don't want to deal with PPD that gets serious enough to need medication.  I just don't want to go that route.  Right now it feels like I am ok, but I know that I will have to be really careful and take really good care of myself.  This just really sucks.  I wish I could just be back were I was last week, laying in bed, staring at my new babe, and looking forward to the unfolding of our life as a family of 4. 

[CA Country Girl]

I am so sorry.  We are all here for you and I hope you talk to us whenever you need to, but I am glad you have support near you too.  Lean on your family and let yourself grieve.  Also, I am a big advocate of professional support too.  Can you make time to see a good therapist?  They can be wonderful.  Also acupuncture can help with the stress we take into our bodies.  Hugs to you and your children.

[sraplayas]

MAMA, I am so so sorry that you have to go through this. Saying a prayer for you right now. Hugs to you and your little ones!
 

[frioct3]

I'm sorry you are going through this.  I hope you get the support you need from your parents and others.
 

[Nicole730]

:(  I will be thinking of you.  This is just terrible to hear at 2 weeks postpartum.  I'm so glad you have a close, support system to help you.

[dogmom327]

I am so sorry mama. Thinking of you.

[FaithHopeLove29]

i'm so sorry you are dealing with this - i will pray for you and your family.

[MamaAcorn]

Sending thoughts and prayers your way mama!  

[BroodyWoodsgal]

OKay, can I just say....and maybe this is out of line....but eff him, dude. Eff him so long and hard for laying some crap like this on your right now. Aspergers? Well you don't say...awww, how sad. Yeah, this is my face when I give a crap. Who the hell does he think he is?? He's going to move out? Hmmmm....yeah, no, let's call it what it is:

Abandoning his family.

So once he moves out, he's going to find a nice little place to live and he's going to make it a warm and comfortable place for your kids to be and split custody of your kids and take them 50% of the time and contribute to your household so that you can continue to be able to take care of them in the manner they are accustomed to, etc....right??

WRONG. Because working non-stop to "give up" all of his money to help TWO households manage and being a dad 50% of the time (while being on call the other 50% of the time) is going to get in the way of his "super effing awesome life's work" - I promise. He's not looking to make a better life...he's looking to make a NEW LIFE...a life with no children in it unless it is a convenient time for him.

I'm sorry, did you have a gun to his head when you made these babies? Or, in his mind, does he pretend that he gave them to you because you wanted them and so he shouldn't have to bear as much responsibility for them? Or does him being aspie remove any responsibility for his actions? Huh?

This is bull, mama...plain and simple. Sounds like you are already doing everything he SHOULD be doing...managing the household, parenting the kids, etc...now he wants to try that same set-up...except with less noise. Nice. Think about it...if you are doing 99% of the parenting now, when he is IN the house....how much of it do you imagine he wants to do after he leaves??? He's not thinking to himself: "I do NOTHING now....I'm going to leave so I can do HALF of everything!" No no no, he's thinking "I do NOTHING now...but it's always so noisy! I'm going to leave so I can continue to do NOTHING...and have peace and quiet at the same time." I get that it's more complicated than that...but that's what it boils down to.

When you make children, you are bound to them for the rest of your life. Even someone who has a hard time understanding emotional commitment and attachment should be able to understand that. If you don't want kids, don't have them....because once you willingly become a parent, you are on the muthertruckin' hook for LIFE.

What if YOU were struck with an amazing sense of purpose, what if YOU all of the sudden understood your true life calling and you were like "Yeah, this having kids crap is really getting in the way of the amazing work I want to do...so I'm outta here" - huh? What would he say?? Oh...that would make you an a-hole, right? I guess because you don't have aspergers you don't get to just "not understand emotions" and walk out, huh?Yeah...YOUR needs and preferences don't matter as much as his. Cool.

Excuse me, again, if I'm out of line...but mama, this dude is screwing you so hard right now. You need to go to counseling for sure, maybe some miracle lighting bolt will strike in his mind and he will figure out a way to find balance between his needs and the needs of his family... but if he continues to believe that this course of action -----> abandoning the family he JUST helped you to create <----- is prudent, you need to help him "grasp" the pain of this situation. Do NOT dissolve into your hormones and weepiness and let him screw you over here, he is NOT allowed to walk away and just do whatever he wants. His aspergers is NO excuse for letting these children down like that.  If your marriage falls apart....then it does. It would be so so sad, but you are a grown woman and you can recover from that. But if he abandons these kids, he is a scumbag. You don't walk away from children.

Normally I would NEVER tell a mama who is struggling with PPD or anything like it to just "get it together"....but mama, you have GOT to keep your wits about you. If he is really, truly serious about this...you cannot let your current state get in the way of properly advocating for your family right now. You only get one shot, a lot of times, at making sure your partner is held responsible for the life he has helped to make. You need to really think about your kids and what they need, what kind of parent he is, whether or not you even want him around, etc...and then you need to make happen whatever you think would be best for your kids. If he is serious, you need an attorney or to find a good mediator. STAT.

I've totally been there done that with PPD. I know how deep and ugly that hole is....but mama, do not just chalk this up to him being aspie and feel all sorry for him and his stupid freaking lifes work. This is BULL and if you do not properly advocate, you could be kicking yourself later. I've seen that happen to too many women. Do not look at this as is wife...because he is not acting like a proper husband. Do not look at this like his friend...because he is being ANYTHING but friendly. Look at this situation as the mother of these kids...do whatever you have to do, to protect THEIR interests....because he is NOT. Never, ever extend more consideration than is being shown to you in a situation like the one you're in.


I'm so, so so sorry this is happening to you right now. Sorry if I seem a little intense, but I love you man...you are so sweet and wonderful...you don't deserve this stupid, stupid bull. UGHHHH!  I am a daughter who was left behind by a man who didn't have the good sense to man up and be a father and it wounded me so deeply. You can't just walk away from some kids, man....you can't just walk away from a woman who has given everything she had to manage the home and raise the kids....I mean, 10 months ago he was creating a life with you. Now, that perfect life is here, with you....and he is walking away??? EFF HIM. I almost blew a damn gasket when I read the part of your post where you said "I do 99% of everything....we try to keep as much off him as possible" - tough life, man...wow, no wonder he's leaving, sounds like you're a real witch. NOT.

He's resentful that you have pulled back from the business since you had kids??? So, you're supposed to be doing 99% of EVERYTHING that needs to be done to manage your life and parent these kids...ANNNNND be an "awesome business partner" to him?? Is he on crack??

I'm going to step away from the keyboard now, because this is making me so mad. How DARE he step to you with this selfish, immature bullcrap. Does he understand that a judge is not going to let him continue to live the way he's living?? A WIFE with do 99% of the work while you focus on yourself. A JUDGE is not going to do that. He's going to say "oh, you want to leave? Cool story bro! Look, half of what you make needs to be sent to your wife and kids so they can live....and 50% of your time needs to be spent caring for them when they come to visit you. Have a nice day, sir" - is he ready for that? Or is he ACTUALLY imagining that he is going to ride off into the sunset alone, to enrich the world with his awesome freaking visions and greatness?

I don't know which is a lousier excuse for doing this to you right now...aspergers or mid-life crisis. I'm thoroughly pissed for you, mama....seriously, thoroughly pissed.

Please excuse the poor grammar, lousy spelling and atrocious language. "He says he wants to move out and I'm 2 weeks PP" - yeah, now I've officially herd it all. That's bullcrap.

Edited at the request of mods for: language.

Edited by BroodyWoodsgal - 7/7/12 at 7:47am

[MamaRuga]

Thanks BroodyWoodsGal!  You hit the nail on the head in so many things you said. I also appreciate that you had to edit for language!    It's nice to have someone pissed off for me since I'm still trying to stay in a rational matter of fact place so I don't escalate the crisis with a bunch of crazy outbursts.  

I've just been a "divorce is not an option" kind of person.  I made a commitment and I'm sticking to it.  But, as the days go on, I'm feeling more of the frustration and stress that I've been living under for so many years.  In some ways it would be a relief to not have to live with the daily stress that comes with dealing with AS.  But I feel a lot of compassion for DH too.  I know that he really can't help the way his mind works.  But still that doesn't mean that I have to live with the controlling and stressful behaviors.  Until now I've seen it as a great learning opportunity for growth... maintaining my center, openness and joy while also balancing his needs for space and support. 

Right now we are being so kind and compassionate with each other.  I do want to be able to work through this in a healthy and open way. But I don't separate feeling from facts, they are all mixed up together.  He is thinking through the steps on a practical level (getting finances separated, getting a new car for me since we are a one car family, etc.)  He wants to keep the business 50/50 so that I will continue to have the income and he plans to provide everything that we need so that I can continue to live in our house and raise our children without having to work.  He wants to provide for his girls and stay involved in their lives.  It is good, but I wonder how long it will be before he feels resentful about having to support two households.  I imagine in a couple of years he will want to do less and less.  He will want to do less and less with the children, too, I am sure.  I really don't want my girls to grow up feeling that their dad abandoned them.  For him, providing financially is the biggest way of not doing that.  But the time together, on a daily basis, is really what it is all about for a child.  They could care less if there is a full fridge or a big house to live in.  They just need the daily presence of the two most important people in their lives. 

He really DID think that having children was something he was doing ONLY to meet my heart's desire.  It is a loving thought, but also frustrating. He was upfront and honest about that when we got married 10 years ago.  I had hoped that once he had children it would change his outlook.  But it hasn't.  In fact, it turns out that he consciously CHOOSE to conceive our new baby knowing full well that he would probably leave afterwards.  He wasn't 100% clear, but it was in his thinking.  We had had a conversation where he asked if I would want another child if he wasn't in the picture.  I thought he meant if he were dead or if we had never been married and it was just me and my own decision.  I said yes, I would want to have more children.  It was totally hypothetical for me, though.  But it wasn't for him.

We just bought our house earlier this year too.  Again, this was something that it turns out he had been thinking would be a good thing to do in case he left.  It would give me a home that I wouldn't be able to buy on my own.  

I don't know where things will go from here.  In a way, I feel my heart has been so broken I don't know if I could go back even if he wanted to.  But, I'd probably try if the chance was there.  A lot of things would have to get worked out, though.  

Right now I just want to be sitting around holding my new baby and dreaming of the future.  That is where I was just a week ago.  Now, I have no idea what the future will look like.  It makes it hard to be present with my girls.  I think I can do this, though.  With time, I'll find a new vision for us.  

Thanks for the replies.  I just haven't been talking to many people yet about all this (mostly since it is just so painful and embarrassing).  I am glad to have a place to talk a bit and feel supported. 

[thegoodearth]

I'm so sorry MamaRuga. What a horrible thing you have to deal with right now. The timing couldn't be worse. Broody gave some good advice - esp the parts about the responsibility he has for his children.  You will find the strength to deal with this (even though the timing couldn't be worse). From everything I've read in your previous threads you sound like a really strong and capable person. My thoughts are with you at this difficult time.

[becoming]

Wow, mama. I'm totally agreeing with everything Broody said.

I really feel for you and hope that everything works out okay for you and your girls.