Night before last DH told me that he wants to move out. I am only 2 weeks postpartum and not at all prepared for this. It is a COMPLETE SHOCK. I had NO IDEA.
I knew that DH was feeling burned out and really is at a midlife crisis. He is 50 and realizing how little time he has left to do what he really wants to do in his life. Work has always been his passion. He feels that he has a mission here on earth and must get it done before he dies. He kept saying that once the baby was here we needed to really talk about things, but I thought that it was about making changes with the way we were managing our lives, not about divorce. But, he feels that having a family is taking too much time and energy away from his time to work. There are too many demands being made on him and he can't do what he came here to do with so many external pulls on him. I would never want to stand in the way of his passion and life's work. I thought that we were a support and a joy for him not a hinderance.
There is a lot of back story. For one (really big) thing, DH has aspergers syndrome. This makes it much harder to deal with relationships and other peoples needs. He already needs a lot of time and space to himself. I handle 99% of all household and parenting things. We try to keep as much off of him as possible. But I do get frustrated about it at times. He has found a few of the on-line posts (by accident) where I've reached out for support as someone in a challenging apergers relationship. I think that he must feel ashamed and guilty that I suffer because of his differences. We also have a business together and I had pulled way back from it once we had children. He is really resentful about that. I've been so complaining about my unmet needs, and obviously haven't handled that in a positive way because he feels shamed and guilt and has come to the point that he doesn't want to even try to meet my needs (or believes that he just can't).
But the bottom line is I have a new baby and a 4 year old. I don't have any emotional resources or balance right now. I thought that we were a family and he was committed to us no matter what. I thought he was committed to ME no matter what. I thought that our relationship was a solid rock under my feet (and obviously took it for granted). I NEVER thought that this would happen to us. We have been friends for over 20 years and married for 11 years.
Oh my God, I don't want to be a single mother! I don't want my babies to grow up in a broken home. My daughter will be crushed to have her daddy move out. I will be crushed. As odd as our relationship is compared to the average marriage, he is still my best friend and the person that I want to spend my life with. But his heart is hardened. And, for an aspie, that is pretty much a done deal. It is very hard to ever change their mind. Everything is so black and white and unemotional. He is so matter of fact about the whole thing.
He has agreed that we could find a therapist to clear the air on the really charged issues that he is so resentful about. And he has also agreed to not make any final decision (although I know that he has made his decision) and move out until the end of the year. I'm praying that a miracle can happen in that time and his heart will open back to me again.
All I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry all day. But I have a baby that needs feeding and a little girl who needs her mama as we all adjust to life with a new born. I honestly thought that everything was going well. We had a wonderful family space in the weeks before the birth, a fantastic birth, and the postpartum recovery has been great.
I keep thinking this must be a really bad dream. Please send me prayers and hold us in light right now. I feel so vulnerable and blown open. How in the world do I manage this on top of all of the postpartum emotional shifts?