Originally Posted by calapitters
I'm so sorry :( I work with ASD kids, and I know that with them, a new baby and a new house within a year would just totally knock them flat. Especially the higher functioning, older kids who know how they are supposed to feel. That adds guilt. Do you think that this may be his reaction to the stress? Could he possibly work through it in a few months? Or has this idea of moving out completely obsessed him? I'm sorry if this is out of line. I would be completely p.o'ed, too. That is super inconsiderate of him.
I will hope with you that he sees the light and learns how to spread himself out soon.
I do think that it is his reaction to stress. Part of it is mid-life crisis, part is the new baby. But, he has been thinking about this for a long time. It turns out that having our second baby was part one of the "pieces" that he was putting into place for me (trying to make sure that he had given me everything that I "wanted" before he moved on). Its a funny (in a not so funny way) thought that makes sense to someone who's mind works so differently. Everything is so black and white and OBJECTIVE with no understanding of the emotional ramifications of things.
I had a good session by myself with our therapist. She had really good advice to just focus on taking care of my body right now. I'm sticking with the very basics... nurturing my body with sleep and good food so that I can nurse my baby, care for my older daughter and survive. Everything else, including housekeeping, is out the window. And that is ok.
We will see our therapist together at the end of July. DH is ready to "let loose" on all of his built up resentment which I refuse to do without a 3rd party present to witness and help sort through things. There is a good chance after he is able to off-load his feelings he will mellow out and decide that he is actually happy here with us. However, after this whole event it has me really re-evaluating everything. Until now, despite all of the challenges of being married to someone on the austistic spectrum, I have been hunkered down for the long haul. I've focused on the positive, held him with lots of compassion, and really tried to be understanding as I adjusted my life and expectations. But now a door has been opened that hadn't been before. I don't think I could go back to how things were, even if he changed his mind. So, I have a lot of thinking to do.
At this point, I'm trying to just stay in the moment and not spin off into feeling I have to make any decisions right now. It's just really hard. For the first 9 days of her life, I held my new daughter and dreamed of what our family would be like now that she was here. Now I look at her and just don't know what the future will bring. It is so strange. But I'm starting to feel stronger and more confident that no matter what we will be OK.
DH is a loving man in his own quirky way. He is brilliant, fun, and caring. I believe that he really does his very best. However, I can't help but feel that he has robbed me of this really precious post-partum time. I wish I could just be in baby-land, obsessing and adoring my new little one. I am going through the motions of caring for her, but my head is somewhere else. I just keep reminding myself that he just doesn't get it. He didn't intentionally try to screw things up. He just can't see it. He really can't.